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Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

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It’s weird to grow up in a family where you know you’re loved but you don’t feel loved. And then later in adulthood you understand how almost impossible it seems to cross that distance and let yourself experience closeness, how otherworldly love feels now and how love feels unbearable at times. You flinch when someone tries to wholeheartedly love you. And over and over you see so clearly how you cannot be loved unless it's from afar and love is mixed with that familiar sensation of distance and coldness.

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Elaine Speirs

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Anis Mojgani, In the Pockets of Small Gods

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If you persevere, in time you will have an entirely different problem – not that life is meaningless, but rather that life has almost too much meaning. As the scales fall from your eyes the world rushes into focus, presenting itself with a kind of vibrational eloquence that can, at first, be almost overwhelming. Everything shimmers, everything clarifies, everything wrestles for your attention. Trees feel super-real, their roots plunged into the earth, their branches stretching to the sky, birds are flesh and blood souls, fragile with life, the sky unfolds and rolls, the ocean crashes, people fascinate, books are beautiful, children are whirling dynamos of chaos, dogs bark and cats meow, flowers shout, your neighbour glows, and God runs like a helix through all things. The world awaits you, humming with meaning. You are alive with potential. You are not dead.

— Nick Cave on getting clean, Red Hand Files #258

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february 11, 2024 ㅡ 2:29AM.

i was going through my journal the other day and realized that i feel pity for my old self. pity in a sense of i would sit down and hug her without saying anything and not pity in a way i know we both would hate - the kind of pity that you see in people's eyes knowing that we don't grow up in the same environment as they do.

truth to be told, i don't know when it happened, it was almost like a switch but i have been looking forward to living these past few years. maybe it wasn't a switch.. maybe it was gradual. it was gradual but could only see the changes when the hard work was already laid down seamlessly.

i remember during the first months of dating dojun. the memory was still vivid till this day. it was just me, in the bathroom - he was sleeping soundly in the other room - sobbing and grieving badly of the life i used to live. it was my second year being in therapy by then but because i haven't dated in so many years, the problems i thought i had dealt with and accepted were still prominent and taking a toll in our relationship. maybe it wasn't too obvious to him but it was obvious to me. i have to be honest and admit that most of my relationships aren't in any way, healthy so to be in one and bringing all of these heavy baggage from my childhood up until that age, it was.. it was something that i wasn't prepared to go through.

i felt very shameful, very scared, very pitiful of dojun to be in this situation where he has to deal with me, someone with so many deep wounds. there were many times where i wanted, so deeply wanted to self sabotage this relationship. normal people belongs with normal people. that's what i wanted to believe.

i have never told anyone else of what went in my head at that moment, that night except for jimin as i have always been scared of being seen, being heard and being honest of my own feelings. i have always been scared of hurting others in my life because it would be unfair to treat others with wounds that was cause by people in the past. but these days, i think i have been slowly letting myself to be in the uncomforting void of letting people misunderstood me.

i have been in that space where i am not afraid to show my love even when i'm scared. to love loudly and to love proudly. with dojun, with my family and my friends. i had been an observer for long enough that i have forgotten to live so the only time i want to live and be loud is now.

so i do want to live. i do want to love and i do desperately want to be seen and heard. to be seen properly and to be understood firmly.

i hope i have many more years to make up of the lost time that i lose to these traumas.

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mother.

“but i don’t want to be a shell of what once was a person,” ryujin whispered slowly beneath her breath, anxious hands finding themselves tucking under her sleeve again. 

“my life just started, i do not wish to lose that,” there was a pause. “don’t you think women lose themselves once they become a mother?” 

the question was genuine despite the hesitation lingering behind her spoken words. ryujin could not wrap her mind around motherhood ㅡ it is something that she wishes to understand but struggles to. it has been a couple of months now since the meeting with the woman in the red scarf sitting across from her became a regular occurrence. what was merely a coincidence at first blooms a weirdly yet comfortable friendship between them despite the big gap in age difference. 

“it is tough. being a mother, i mean.” gyeonja took a deep breath as she sat up properly on the crooked chair. “you did your best and sometimes losing yourself was the only option.” 

“see. that’s the thing. i don’t want to lose myself ever.” ryujin retorted. the younger wanted an assurance that motherhood would be fun. some even told her it could be rewarding but not enough answers from people around her could convince that a child is worth enough to live for, to bring happiness for. 

“the time i lost myself to being merely a mother, i think i learnt it from my mom.” gyeongja started, her face turning solemn at the mention of someone that brought her both joy and a weight of despair. ”i never knew her hobbies. i don’t think i even saw her go out with her friends. sure, there are some ahjummas from our neighborhood that would talk to her when she opens up the restaurant but i know she couldn’t feel a sense of belonging between them.”

“i saw that and i thought that was what i supposed to be. which i was. until my daughter was 13 and i lost my husband to another woman which i then realized i forgot who i was before this life of being a wife and a mom.” 

ryujin knew that the elder spoke with great truth although it was not an answer that she expected to get. she saw it through the way her body started to shuffle out of uncomfortableness having to lay up open so publicly about her struggles, gaze not meeting hers anymore and instead laid upon the busy pavement outside. 

“i’m glad that you knew all of this when you’re 23. i didn’t get a chance to realize it so young so i had to go through it.” hints of disappointment, grief over her younger days attached with the statement yet gyeongja had a small smile on her face now. “despite it all, i never regret becoming a mother… to love someone so greatly and unconditionally saved me.”

“unconditionally…” ryujin sucked on her teeth, holding back the feeling of wanting to let out a chuckle at such bad timing. “you know, eonni, i never believed in unconditional love. to love others.. maybe? but for me. i doubt so.” 

“i think it’s undoubtedly beautiful ㅡ your love for your daughter. i saw the way you look at her, the way you call her with so much love, the way you’re often so soft and kind when dealing with her. it reminds me of my mother in jeju,” she continued, features returning soft now.  

“then why do you think unconditional love for you is something doubtful?” 

“ah,” a sheepish grin flashed on ryujin’s face. it was obvious that the grin didn’t appear to be something delightful or expressing joy but rather a facade to hide the anxiousness that she was feeling due to having the other poking on her vulnerability that she kept away from so confidentiality, afraid of others to unwrap such distaste of her upbringing.  

the thing is with ryujin, she was good at keeping people at arm’s length. she loved to let people think they knew her by giving bits of information here and there but never fully opening up about her real thoughts and feelings. having being question with such inquiries made her feel a sense of confinement that she’d rather deflect but knew in order to be closer to each other, one must bear the consequences of keeping their side open with honesty and how could she when gyeongja already bared herself only a couple minutes earlier. 

“i was abandoned by my biological parents when i was six.” saying the words out loud made her feel a thud coming up on her chest and ryujin couldn’t even hide the grimace that started to lurk on her face. “so i fear for the day that my parents in jeju would leave me one day because i’m not what they want anymore.”

“and have they?”

“well not yet,” she replied almost immediately, a light-hearted snicker following behind. 

gyeongja leaned forward, her rougher hand settling on top of the ryujin’s and came the soft whisper of words only for her to listen, “you’re 23 and they have seen you become the woman that you are now so why do you think that is not unconditional love? let them love you. let people love you. you have learned to love harder than most people so it is okay to let people love you and believe it.”

ryujin let the silence engulf both of them as her vision started to turn blurry due to the tears gathering and if she blinked, if she let go at this moment, she would’ve started to sob and disrupt the peaceful cafe that they were both seating in. it has been years since she was in therapy and tending to her child self - pouring her the love and care that was missing from others and not hoping for anyone to help due to her own ego but here she is, park gyeongja, in all of her glory, as if it’s no big deal, seeing right through ryujin and letting her hear the words that she desperately wanted to hear all these years.

“and if they leave?,” she asked quietly, careful to not show the wave of emotions striking her visibly.

“that doesn’t mean the time they love you for you was wasteful, is it? their love was real in the present. hold it, be with it.” both hands now engulfing ryujin’s and squeezing hers to make her feel the affection visibly as if to remind her the present she was in.

the couple part ways sooner after ㅡ a long hug was shared and initiated by ryujin instead. she had learned from loving dojun that she was a physical person who wants to be held, to be loved and to affectionately be cared for, thus the act of hugging other people had now become a regular and normal routine for her despite being a non-physical person prior to this.  

this past years of loving had opened her up to many experiences and she felt blessed to come up into this situation where she was better, stronger and more open to let people express their affection to her instead of the habits that she once had ㅡ trying to beg for a space and an ounce of love in the wrong places. although being with dojun had helped her tremendously to feel more comfortable in her own skin and to be more louder in showing everyone her true self, her community was one of the few that strives to make her more softer and more loving to others.

meeting gyeongja now had also helped her feel more in tune with her womanhood as she was able to see and understand the grief, the pain and the love of women in their later days. ryujin was detached when it comes to motherly love. she didn’t even realized she was keeping her adoptive mother at bay due to wound of what her own mother had left behind. it was time for her to understand how mothers love works and perhaps fate had plan it from the start when this two had crossed each other path despite gyeongja being twice of ryujin’s age. 

“send my love to bora, will you?,” ryujin said in between the sniffles. 

“of course. come for dinner this weekend, okay? you can bring your boyfriend too.”

“that would be lovely. thank you again, eonni.”

they bid each other goodbye with ryujin constantly waving in glee as she walked away backwards until she no longer saw the back of the elder woman. during her way back to her place, ryujin could be seen staring over the bus’ windows with a red nose and teary eyes that she hid by constantly wiping it away with the back of her palm. she felt loved, she felt seen and she finally felt free. the universe had often played her these past few years but these meetings that they shared successfully acted in rejuvenating herself back into reminding love is, often, all around. 

her phone was brought out from her purse after she came down from her stop. fingers busy dialing the number that she remembers all too well, the sound of the dialer ringing as the calls waited for it to be connected. 

“mom, i’m staying in jeju until the new years. i miss you.. terribly.”

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Ten reasons why I hate Kook Yeon Soo.  OUR BELOVED SUMMER (2021) dir. Kim Yoon Jin

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girl help i’m starting over again for the 1000th time & i’m beginning to think that life is a never-ending cycle of starting over & i actually have to make peace with that in order to move forward

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sudden urge to burst into tears. im not a toddler i just agree with their beliefs

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"...good question. i haven't." she is quick to come to her defense again, "but i had mint choco beer. i had it when i was in japan since my friend said i should taste it." this isn't something to be proud of course but at this moment, ryujin feels like she's a connoisseur to the unknowing myung who hasn't heard of this food combinations before. "would you order it if i put it in the menu? i read online it taste like pastry.. since you know, fruits. and dough."

he doesn't quite recall what prompted the weirdest food discussion during brunch, but he's nothing but happy to oblige. "have you even had it? it can't be real." myung replies, tilting his head in mild disbelief. there has to be some unspoken rule that certain fruits should never go together with hot food, bananas and kiwi included. "oh wait-- are you trying to hint at me that you want to make that as your cafe's new menu now?"

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Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009) dir. P. J. Hogan

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ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ― NINE-WORD SENTENCE STARTERS change pronouns, phrasing, & tense as needed

❝ i saw something today that reminded me of you. ❞ ❝ why do they say things they know upsets you? ❞ ❝ don't worry, i'm never going to let you go. ❞ ❝ you told me that you were going to change. ❞ ❝ i'm not going to leave, no matter what. ❞ ❝ stay for dinner? i made too much, i think. ❞ ❝ you can't just commit murder because you want to. ❞ ❝ when things get too bad, i shut myself in. ❞ ❝ well, if blood doesn't make family, then what does? ❞ ❝ you showed up drunk just so you weren't alone? ❞ ❝ i can't believe i'm saying this... i love you. ❞ ❝ you look like the dumbass i know you are. ❞ ❝ you're lucky i love you, even at your worst. ❞ ❝ i hope you can walk. i'm not carrying you. ❞ ❝ imagine a world without me... pretty sad, isn't it? ❞ ❝ you don't believe in ghosts? your probably will soon. ❞ ❝ i'm never going home, not unless you're with me. ❞ ❝ oh wow... you look way different in real life. ❞ ❝ you need help! i can't fix you this time. ❞ ❝ why are you being so nice to me now? ❞ ❝ hey, i need to talk to you. it's... urgent. ❞ ❝ i don't love you today... maybe some other day. ❞ ❝ everyone's lied about the silver lining... it never comes. ❞ ❝ you're nothing without me and i'm nothing without you. ❞ ❝ i need a good reason not to kill you. ❞ ❝ first chance we have, i'm taking you to bed. ❞ ❝ enemy is a strong word... more like former friend. ❞ ❝ narnia isn't real, just come out of the closet. ❞ ❝ we'll hope for the best and see what comes. ❞

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SNOOPY's LIFE in a BOTTLE (re-ment)

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open: m/f/nb / mutuals and non-mutuals. plot: your muse is waiting for the bus and was approached by ryujin to help hold her things (a stack of documents or her art supplies - can choose to your liking!). she realized that they looked familiar and turned out that they were one of many one night stands she had last two years but she struggled to remember.  mun’s note: feel free to approach me if you have any questions!

“sorry for bothering but could you just help me hold this for a bit.“ her phone moves closer to her ear again; shoulders lifting and trying to hold it from falling as her hand scrambles to find a pen in her bag. it took her awhile to get back to the person who’s helping her but she couldn’t help to eye them several times due to sensing the suspicious longing gaze falling onto her. 

she only manage to return the attention back once the call is ended. her body fully turned now towards their direction, arms reaching out for her stuff. “uhm, thank you for your help. can i have it back please?“ although appearing calm in person, in her head, she’s busy analyzing the weird vibe she’s reading from this interaction. is it a fan? is it someone that she worked with? well, should she be asking? all she could do instead is just flashing them an awkward smile that feels like eternity as she continues to dwell in her head.

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(  🍀  ) — for @suchaehwas // continuation from here.

she couldn’t mutter a word when she sees rian picking up the hot burnt pieces without much thought and ended up hurting herself. in fact, ryujin had to stop herself from laughing since this is a serious matter ㅡ she put herself and her studio in danger. rian, also, almost burnt down her ongoing projects that caused more than the rent of this place so she should keep her disappointed and mad façade a little longer. 

“why.. why would you touch that?” the struggle to keep the chuckling from seeping out went to waste since she find this very amusing. “come here, gimme your hand.” arm extended now towards her while she waits for the other to give her what she asked for. “i don’t know yet.. never thought of it. maybe i could continue with the arson. for your webtoon is it? i think a tragic ending like lovers dying in arson would be romantic. you know, their love was too hot to handle.” she pauses, shoulders finally relaxed from the tension and panic of what just happened. “what were you doing before tho? run me down on what happened here, rian.” 

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✶ the lonely rabbit ✶