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[hwang-jeany]

It will flunge in a way that slows the time, or in the time where after I enjoyed myself, there is my end waiting for me.

Perhaps, I may never smile for long. Perhaps, my sorrows will be more frequent and greater than my greatest of joys. I will eventually wilt. My heart, its platinum gaze and brave, will eventually succumb. It will be the only thing worth celebrating, assuming that I do not give in to any weakness.

The dream is simple, yet so unattainable. I know, I accept that.

There was this manga that I read, which said, "I wish I lived a little more selfishly." In truth, I get envy by people who have the friends, relationships, and moments that I desire. Yet, in an unexpected time and place, I keep meeting people who make me realize that there is something beautiful beyond what I can feel and see. It keeps disproving my hunch.

[hwang-jeany]

[hwang-jeany]

Elizabeth Gaskell really said, in the year 1848, "Why don't we take a minute and try to understand drug addicts and why they indulge in such dangerous habits before we judge them."

It is true, much of their morbid power might be ascribed to the use of opium. But before you blame too harshly this use, or rather abuse, try a hopeless life, with daily cravings of the body for food. Try, not alone being without hope yourself, but seeing all around you reduced to the same despair, arising from the same circumstances; all around you telling (though they use no words or language), by their looks and feeble actions, that they are suffering and sinking under the pressure of want. Would you not be glad to forget life, and its burdens? And opium gives forgetfulness for a time.

The empathy of this author is astounding.

[hwang-jeany]

Dear me,

How do you feel right now? This is a question that used to make your heart beat at times, because even your true answer greatly disappoints yourself. How hurtful are the times where you cannot say that you are not okay. Today, we know that someone we loved for so long already greatly loves another person. Does that bother you? Does that make you regret? I know you will lie if you say you did not, even for a little bit. After all, he has been a big part in who you are right now.

But, going through all these made you see the light with great joy. This would have been all common for you had it not all happened. You wish you had experienced what should have been "ordinary" for everyone. I am saying the same thing right now: I truly wish I had been ordinary like my fellow student teachers because if it had been, I would not have been missing my former students even until now. It would have gone on to fade a little bit.

I do not want to involve them anymore. I do not want them to find out how fragile I have been. Yet, I am asking myself if I have just been really desperately seeking a connection from someone, something that I know I have really never experienced in its core.

It shook my world to have people who showed melting care for me. These days spent in ANHS-Annex has been one of the most challenging, if not life-changing for me. Through the opportunity to serve there, I met a lot of these beautiful people. Beautiful people are those who makes you feel wonderful and beautiful inside. Those who makes you grasp the subtlety and beauty of the mundane world. Those who embodies the prettiest of the melodies that makes your heart, mind, and body move. Moving, we are moving because love makes us move. Love puts us in motion.

But, I am doubting myself. I am asking what might be their reason for showing me that. Do I look pitiful?

[hwang-jeany]

"Her hair Louisa!"

"And her petticoats! I hope you saw her petticoats brother, six inches deep in mud, I'm absolutely certain!"

[hwang-jeany]

by Molly Buford

[hwang-jeany]

[hwang-jeany]

Friendly reminder that you don’t have to aim for a normal life.

You’re allowed to aim for a stable one. You’re allowed to aim for a fulfilling one. You’re allowed to aim for a meaningful one. You’re allowed to aim for a happy one. You’re allowed to aim for a manageable one. You’re allowed to aim for a sustainable one.

Yes, even when that means following a different road than the one most people walk. Yes, even when that means going in a wildly different direction than the one society expects and pressures you to move towards. Yes, even when it means disappointing society, other people or even yourself.

Living a normal life doesn’t have to be your goal.

[hwang-jeany]

I had tears pouring down my cheeks while I was driving home this morning because I listened to a podcast about the Radium Girls and how hard they fought to hold their employer to account for poisoning them, even though they knew they would die regardless, because they wanted to protect the workers who came after them. Even though their community called them liars and they were in horrible pain, they fought. And then the host started talking about how the Manhattan Project used knowledge gained from the Radium Girls to protect their workers and how the ghosts of those girls and women protected people going forward...

And it made me think of all the ghosts, unnamed and unknown, who in their death protect us: the ghosts of the Titanic, the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire, the Quebec Bridge, and so many others. Disasters that made us change laws and protect people, not just because they were horrific but because survivors and survivors families demanded that we change; kept screaming and fighting and pushing until someone listened and something was fixed.

What a debt we owe.

[hwang-jeany]

[hwang-jeany]

Something along the journey has suddenly changed. I am not automatically appalled by earthly achievements, nor I am fazed by the high standings, I guess, I must now find out what is really good by observing and judging sufficiently. This makes me feel surprised because I find myself wanting to do what is best in whatever situation I am in. Things become really beautiful.

[hwang-jeany]

Persuasion 1995 text posts

More: Pride and Prejudice 1995 text posts | Sense and Sensibility 1995 text posts | Northanger Abbey 2007 text posts | Emma. 2020 text posts

[hwang-jeany]

[hwang-jeany]

It ended...

It seems a bit ridiculous to me now that the two semesters I spent as a third year education student will be an endless day to day frustration with a mix of burst of happiness from time to time, of which, it really helped that I have an eye and a heart to see what can make me happy even in the worst of situations. At times, it is the same eye and heart that makes me awfully disappointed and downtrodden. So awful that it makes me wish that I am like my college classmate, who seems like failing Calculus 2 is of no matter just because she can retake the subject anyways. Or that, I am wondering, how can they be gleeful over a season which makes me all gloomy inside? That it takes me a military-like command, just to make myself be useful as usual, and more importantly, to make myself, do things with a care which abides the principles of love. Those are the times which, terrible I might be in recalling what should be recalled, or being absent-minded (due to lack of sleep) makes me seem like a laughable caricature in front of the class whenever I do presentations, of which I do not mind the attention, it just slightly worries me that the professor will perceive that I do not take my task seriously. On the contrary, my professor actually liked it in a way that it also makes him laugh. My classmate whom he is close to, told me that this professor actually liked me as a student. She also told me that he likes seeing me during the class. I do not know if she is just momentarily pleasing me, but I have now given myself the pleasure to take it to be the truth just because I like the validation.

One of the great struggles is that in little time that we are allowed, I have this sense of wanting to produce the best output that I can. Of course, in reality, just to comply in time due to fear of not being graded at all for a late submission, I have submitted sub-par outputs or sometimes, and with no excuse, an output produced out of laziness. This attitude persisted even more during thesis writing, I wanted our thesis to be useful, to be well-rounded if not very good even with little time and a very hectic schedule. I felt the crushing pressure of "good things do not come easily." How more of a sobre saliente one that I am aiming for?

There are many cups of coffee that I drank that perhaps I should have counted it just for the sake of sentimentality, or the times where I walk along the path towards the plaza after class dismissals, mostly tired, thinking ahead of what is to be done or just desiring to gorge a heavy amount of food, or even thinking, am I in the right way of doing things? Am I ensuring that myself is well despite my commitments? It feels terrible to know the answer without really answering it at all. That, all that I can do for a while is to silently cry my heavy heart and mind to God.

Remarkably, I also had disputes with my parents during these times, even to the end. Which fortunately, is resolved as soon as a day or even a couple of hours have passed. The reason is that I am not taking care of myself well enough. In between those times are where I found myself fearing some events which I dread to be repeated again, or that, memories which came hunting me during stressful times. I forgot that I also spent countless good memories. It does not help that I seem to have a lot on my plate every single day of the semester. These quarrels with my parents made me feel regretful of what I have said, telling myself that it may have been a lot better if I just keep it to myself as I usually do. Yet, I also feel that on one side, I have opened a part of myself which I never really dared to show my parents, which I think is partly responsible for the subtle line of distance between us before. Still I regret that, because I know it hurt them also and I hate it. I hate that what I have just done is so self-serving but I am also happy because I felt comforted by the fact that I cried in front of them because I am really, really tired. But I still cannot stop thinking, all awhile that, that I am not useful to them at that time, that I should have not cried.

It really is troubling when I look back.

Yet, there is one time where during a seminar, I slept on the shoulder of my classmate. Of course, my eyes are closed but while hearing the speakers, I am also fixated on the sound of raindrops. Perhaps, I also like the gentle color of the sky.

I thought, how beautiful, even when I am so tired. I also thank God that I am not getting sick to the point where I cannot do my tasks. I wished to Him in my heart, all things that I cannot put into words.

[hwang-jeany]

𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑼𝒏𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝑰 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏, 𝒘𝒆𝒂𝒌 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒕... 𝑨 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅, 𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌, 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝑰 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓’𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓. | Persuasion 1995

[hwang-jeany]

3RD YEAR SO FAR

jeanette- a trash personified

failure personified 

thats it, cannnot think of a wittier way to say it 

[hwang-jeany]

and in a mysterious way

it seems like I met you again. Seeing you like that, I have no words because in my mind, I know you already died, even in that dream. Then, you implied in that dream that you know that you already died in this world. I was sitting in a corner, observing you play with children I do not know, it seems like I am a third person. Suddenly, you approached me, you sat in front of me. I cried so hard, that my wails might be something so shameful. But I do not have the intention of doing that. It just seems like, I miss you for a long time, and I see you again after that.

You said: "Aba, ganyan din si Emae at JC nung nakita ko."

You seem to tell me that you lived a happy life despite.