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Man I feel stupidly Autistic. I mean that my innate tendencies are at such an incompatibility with people who want to socialize with me, access me. And that tension is stupid. I just have my bubble and I'm happy with it. And it feels like an invasion.

I've also realised that a lot of my previous anxiety may have been from formatting myself (masking) to my friends, family, peers. And now the stage after trauma healing is actually quite annoying. Because boundaries become very apparent. Internal emotions become more accessible and translatable. And doing my own thing just becomes far more interesting than whatever else society wants me to do. Special interest alert. I'm doing a balancing act of compromising what I need to for income (high masking), and important people (medium masking), but when I'm alone it's so so precious because there is no masking. No talking. Just in my head. Reading. Reflecting. Minimal chats with partner.

And there is guilt around attempting to explain this to family/friends in a tactful way that isn't going to hurt their feelings. The truth is, I just don't want to see or talk to people on a regular basis. I do it already for work and by then I'm worn out. I could go 6 months, a year, 2 years without talking. Absolutely fine. My frequency does not align with most and it makes me feel like the bad guy.

Perhaps it'd look different with less demanding work. Or less demanding friends. Parallel play friends. Or friends also interested in my special interest.

It's just weird.

Edit 10 mins later:

My partners great. So he helped me work out I'm too passive in my interactions and I need to be more proactive in what I want to talk about. Great tip. Enmeshed attachment is a bish.

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the most fun a girl can have is finding parallels, noticing patterns, making connections, contemplating

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You're not here.

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Sparkle. Värmland, Sweden (December 22, 2014).

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Hotel Tschuggen

Arosa, Switzerland

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Clear Lake Road, Silverton, Colorado

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nathaniel wise

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camprobber

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Kebler Pass, Colorado

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june 6, 2019

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Stormy on Red Mountain Pass, Colorado

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sorry for romanticising the mundane. i have little else

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On Clear Lake Road in September

Silverton, Colorado

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Saguaro close-up in the moonlight. Big Dipper in the sky. Bumble Bee, Az.