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Hypnotherapy allows to dissolve all possible temptations which could drive you back to smoking - a physical addiction to nicotine, the long-lasting habit smoking in particular situations, mental or emotional dependency. You will learn to relax deeply; you will build real motivation and strong mental muscle, becoming not only absolutely committed to staying a non-smoker, but seeing the fun side and enjoyment of your new freedom.

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It doesn't matter what type of relationship you are trying to build or improve be it a family relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend, business, customer, your teacher or your students it takes a lot of time and dedication for one to grow a relationship and it's a lot of hard work. There are some sentiments that you need to work on to build your relationships including, building trust, increasing your compassion, and learning to accept the other person.

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Hypnosis can be used to change behaviors or simply as a tool to achieve a more peaceful and relaxed lifestyle. There are many hypnotherapists that provide quit smoking hypnosis for a very reasonable price. Hypnosis is a great way to introduce new things or rid of old things in your life.

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If you need to lose weight, be physically fit and healthy, or build muscle then hiring one of the in home personal trainers might just be the thing you need. A personal trainer sydney can help you meet your goal in a matter of time with your full cooperation.

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Anxiety disorders and panic attacks are considerably more severe than feelings of worry or unease that most people go through. Anxiety or panic attacks are abrupt rises of overpowering fear appearing without warning or apparent cause. They can be inhibiting a person suffering from such attacks from living a happy and full life.

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The Master of Psychotherapy and Counselling offered by Western Sydney University is a cross-disciplinary pathway into a career in helping people in. Counselling and psychotherapy expertise with trauma, with the LGBT-QI community as well as relationship counselling and couples counselling.

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What to do if you’re feeling stuck in life

By the time someone comes along to see a hypnotherapist, they often feel like they’ve been stuck going around in circles. They kind of realise what the problem is. But they just can’t seem to get to the bottom of why they keep doing the problem. If this describes you, then have a think about this next time you want to know what to do if you’re feeling stuck in life.

We send ourselves on a wild goose chase.

Next time you’re wondering what to do if you’re feeling stuck in life – go watch the Christopher Nolan movie called Memento. The film is about a guy with a memory problem, who can only remember a few minutes at a time. At the end of those few minutes, his memory of that time erases. During those moments, he writes memento’s to himself. When his memory of that time fades, he can refer back to his memento’s to know what to do.

In the film, this guy is trying to solve a mystery. He’s trying to catch a killer and find out who killed his wife. Along the trail, he meets various people who give him clues – the catch is he won’t remember them. So he has to rely entirely on the memento’s.

The brilliant thing about the way the movie is set out, is it is shown in reverse. The opening scene in the movie shows the last thing to happen in time. Each scene then moves to the thing before and so forth, until the end of the movie shows how it all started.

Turns out, there was no murderer. The guy had accidentally killed his own wife, but could not face the vulnerable pain of the guilt. Instead, he left himself inaccurate mementos to send himself on a wild goose chase. Despite it being painful, it was still less painful to distract himself with this hunt than to face the vulnerability of the guilt.

So what does this have to do with hypnotherapy and what to do if you’re feeling stuck in life.

Stop the goose chase!

Well this movie is actually a symbolic representation of what many people do throughout their own life. They create problems or only address part of the problem to send themselves on a wild goose chase. I’ve seen plenty of clients who have spend over 2 decades perusing the plethora of self help scenes out there. They’ve read every self help book, joined every self help group and movement. They have all this education, knowledge and awareness – yet still they keep searching for something. And in their search for a hypnotherapist blacktown, hypnotherapist camden or whatever area they are looking to find a hypnotherapist in Sydney, they eventually find my office and ask me what to do if you’re feeling stuck in life.

What to do when you’re feeling stuck in life.

In lesson 17 of my free online course, I map the process our mind often takes to distract us with thoughts to avoid facing vulnerable feelings. So the solution is sometimes, to get out of our heads, stop believing our own thoughts and instead, gradually learn how to face, respond to and overcome the underlying vulnerabilities which keep us feeling stuck.

It’s not easy, but if you know the right techniques and understand what’s waiting for you on the other side, then this is by far the best approach to take next time you’re wondering what to do if you’re feeling stuck in life!

Just go to the Hypnotherapy Sydney website and click the button that says ‘get started’ to begin the free course which will show you some simple steps to take to know what to do when you’re feeling stuck in life.

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Hypnotherapy Sydney offers a private and confidential service to help you take control of your life quickly and effectively. The latest hypnotherapy, hypnosis, hypnotism, hypnotic techniques provide a very powerful outcome to change your life to the way you want it to be.  Don't let problems spoil your life - act now in complete safety and privacy.

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THE BEST WAY TO GET MOTIVATED

What’s the best way to get motivated? Well at a younger age, I remember sitting down with numerous Sydney psychologists, counsellors, psychiatrists and even a good Parramatta hypnotherapist where I lived at the time. And of all the problems that I recall talking about, the number one issue that I struggled with the most was lack of drive, or poor motivation. So I spent a long time asking myself the question: What’s the best way to get motivated?

Nowadays I think its fair to say that I am the most motivated person around of anyone who knows me, with many of them asking me how I seem to be so motivated. None of them would believe how much I struggled with motivation at a younger age, but when I try to describe it, the usual question is asked: How do you get motivated?

Well after learning how to do this myself and coaching many others over the years, here’s the simplest most effective way to know how to get motivated.

HOW TO GET MOTIVATED

For starters, you need to recognise that if you’re not feeling motivated, its not just your physical energy but your mental energy. And mental energy becomes drained when you (whether you realise it or not) are avoiding stuff that you really should be doing.

So the first step is to become more aware of what you’re avoiding.

Do you tend to be prone to procrastination or even perfectionism? Do you find excuses for it to be not quite right to jump in yet? Does your mind keep finding a way to distract you from making a commitment? Do you keep telling yourself that you simply can’t. Not yet. Not until you’re ready. Funnily enough it’s the people who do this the most that are most likely wondering what’s the best way to get motivated!

The problem is, if you wait until you’re completely ready, it will probably be too late. Plus, that energy that you should be spending doing the stuff your avoiding tends to build up. And if you keep avoiding it, you end up feeling drained, lethargic, easily fatigued and generally low on energy. After all, humans evolved having to fight for survival – not sitting around being comfortable. So despite our modern lifestyle giving us the comfort to conserve physical energy, it ends up draining us of the emotional energy we should be utilising by constantly being challenged out of our comfort zone.

That’s not to say that it’s a good idea to walk blindly into the face of the uncertainty just because you’re fed up with your current circumstances. Planning and preparation are important. But sometimes it’s hard to know how preparation much is too much, and when you’re just making excuses.

So here’s what you do.

THE 80% RULE

Do you think you’re at least say, 80% ready to do that thing you’ve been avoiding? If so, then that will do. Especially if you know you have a past history of overthinking or finding excuses to procrastinate. Once you feel like you’re about 80% ready, then trust yourself and at least make a start. So what’s the best way to get motivated?

Well something that I’ve noticed about human beings: you’d be surprised what a person is capable of achieving when they absolutely must. Once the safety net is pulled away, suddenly that circular thinking narrows out and becomes tunnel visioned with laser focus. This is what we need to break free and step up to the next level.

That’s why students find it easy to procrastinate until the night before their assignments are due. It’s why young people find it too easy to stay at home and not work until their parent’s kick them out. It’s why you will never be able to achieve your full potential until you know there is no safety net to fall back onto. Then, and only then, will you discover the best answer to the question “What’s the best way to get motivated” and really find out what you’re made of.

Don’t get me wrong. You’ll feel like you’re falling into a pool of adrenaline in the process. But it will get rid of that tired, unmotivated feeling and you’ll notice yourself starting to experience a sudden burst of energy.

WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO GET MOTIVATED?

Let me give you an example of a client who came to me for hypnotherapy. Chatswood was his home town where he grew up in a relatively affluent suburb of Sydney’s North Shore. Hypnotherapy was something he decided to do when, by the age of 35, he was contemplating throwing in the towel. He was convinced that he could never achieve anything great with his life. When asked what he wanted to achieve, we discovered the underlying problem – he didn’t know. In fact, he never knew really. He became so frightened to try anything in case his hopes were dashed, that he basically stuck with the same dead end job for years, even though he was overqualified for it and hated every moment of it.

But if this guy was on the verge of suicide, why therefore wouldn’t he do anything about it? The answer was, because even though he hated his job and his circumstances, he had learned to put up with them. He lived his whole life knowing full well that if worst came to worst, he could always fall back on his families financial support – and so he did.

So what changed?

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM

Eventually after an attempt at suicide, this guy got to the point where he had to accept that the pain of change was less than the pain of not changing. It was only once he reached this tipping point did he decide to move out of home and cut himself free from the safety net. He was terrified of course, but once he had hit rock bottom and realised that the only other option was death – it suddenly seemed like it was worth a shot.

Whilst he floundered at first in the job seeking process and felt like a turtle without a shell – he was no longer showing any signs of depression. He got a new job he was terrified of, and considered giving up as it was more responsibility. But every time he considered quitting his new job, it dawned on him that the only alternative was homelessness, whereas previously he knew he could just fall back onto his family.

It was a hard lesson to learn, but the reality is that sometimes – you have to take away the safety net before you get yourself to feel as motivated as you might be unable to find any other way of feeling.

WHERE DOES THE TERM ‘BURN YOUR BOATS’ COME FROM?

The term ‘burn your boats’ comes from a lesson in History stemming back to the 1500’s where a Spanish expedition to conquer Mexico saw the army’s leader burn the boats they had arrived on. He realised that so long as his men knew there was a chance of retreat, they would never be able to put in 100% of their effort towards conquering the new land. Once they knew there was no way out, the men worked harder than ever to conquer the Aztec empire. Thus the phrase come about, to burn your boats when you know that the only thing holding you back is the knowledge that if you don’t put all your effort into something, you’ll kind of still be okay – enough to put up with it at least.

Be sensible about it of course. I’ve seen plenty of people approach this stupidly, such as quitting their job to start a business rather than starting the business in their spare time until they had saved up enough to branch our on their own. I’ve seen people invest all their life savings in one investment opportunity which failed miserably when a bit of extra research or diversification could have prevented their massive fall. I’ve seen people take massive risks simply because they don’t want to have to plan or prepare or wait or be patient.

So it takes a good amount of self-awareness and rational thinking to know the difference here. But once you know you’re at least 80% ready – so long as you’re not going to risk losing everything by doing so, remember: next time you ask yourself what’s the best way to get motivated? The answer is, simply; get rid of your safety nets, stop making excuses and just burn your boats! You’ll suddenly get a surge of motivation that nothing else will give you.

And that, is the quickest and the best way to get motivated.

If you’d like some more mind hacks, check out the Hypnotherapist Sydney website which includes loads of free eBooks, audio books and video courses! And if you live in the Hills District of Sydney and want to help your kids get motivated to study and prepare for their future, check out our Tutoring Castle Hill centre for more free tips and videos for parents across Sydney.

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Hypnotherapy for addiction has widely become popular in the last 10 years, people are looking to solve deep issues of addiction from within there subconscious mind. Before receiving it is important that you understand what type of hypnotherapy you are receiving.

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How To Get Baby To Sleep Through The Night

The secret to achieving your goals is very similar to the secret to getting baby to sleep through the night. Want to know the secret to getting better sleep? How about the secret to losing weight? What about the secret to becoming more patient, more confident, more skilled and more of anything you want to change.

Whether it’s health, fitness, relationship or other goals – there are inevitably going to be variables depending on your personal circumstances. But there is one underlying constant you’ll find over and over, which is very similar to being able to get a baby to sleep through the night.

Let me give you a clue – it all comes down to what your intention is. What’s your goal? What are you trying to achieve. To lose weight? Okay – and then what. To get over a breakup or find true love? Okay – but then what. What is the purpose of achieving these things?

Let me give you an example.

Recently, one of my Hypnotherapy Parramatta clients was really struggling to get her baby to sleep through the night. According to her description, her baby had been a little more clingy than most, especially when it came to her night time routine. She had been waking frequently during the night, and my client, with the best of intentions, struggled to let her baby cry long enough to learn how to settle herself back to sleep. This over reaction was not only inadvertently conditioning her daughter to be more needy during her sleep times, but it had also been keeping the mum awake during the night, and exhausted during the day. In her search to find how to get baby to sleep through the night, she had still not found the solution.

By this stage, the mum had some awareness that her own difficulty in coping with the sounds of her crying baby had been fuelling the problem. But, like many new mums, was struggling with the conflict between not wanting her baby to be uncomfortable, vs not wanting her baby to have sleeping difficulties.

“So..” I ask “…when you rush in to comfort your baby during the night, what are you trying to achieve by doing this? What is the intention, the aim, the purpose?”

“To get baby to sleep through the night.” was the reply.

And in the short term, this makes logical sense. Likewise, if an addict was having some pretty severe withdrawals, it might make sense to just let them have the drug so as to help them to settle down. This might seem like a pretty draconian comparison, but there’s actually a similar theme, which is that the aim is prioritising short term comfort for long term benefit.

“So if you were able to better withstand the sound of her crying long to learn how to get baby to sleep through the night – what would be the purpose of doing that?”

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“Because….that’s how it’s supposed to be. Because that’s good for her and me. Because….” that’s where the penny drops.

Quite often, we become so accustomed to working towards trying to achieve something in the short term, we don’t take the time to zoom out and really look at what the long term objective is.

“So let’s say you were better able to learn how to calm yourself down in those moments long enough to help her learn how to self-settle. What would be the long-term benefit here, beyond the short term benefit of getting you both to sleep better?”

That’s where the exploration continues.

“Because if the only goal in your mind is to figure out how to get baby to sleep through the night, then during those moments where that crying is driving you nuts, unfortunately that short term goal is not going to be enough to motivate you to persevere through the discomfort. No matter how much you tell yourself that the benefit will be to help you both sleep better, it’s just not going to conjure up an image in your mind that will help you gain the strength to push through the pain.”

So what will? And by the way; how to get baby to sleep through the night is an arbitrary example. But the same is true of how to approach the inner resistance you are going to encounter whenever you try to change anything.

So what is the goal then? What is the purpose, the reason, the aim?

To explain the reason, think of it this way. Do you remember a time when you felt so overwhelmed by something, it felt that you could not cope. You may have felt intensely sad, disappointed, heartbroken or just plain old terrified. Now of all those times, is there a particular occasion where you remember, deliberately, consciously and intentionally responding back to those feeling by telling yourself that you can do it. By supporting yourself through not only the time, but the feeling you were feeling. And, as a result, when you think back to how you used to feel before that moment, you now realise that you actually matured as a result of it. That you kind of ‘grew up’ a bit so that now, that same thing would not overwhelm you as much.

Now think of it this way.

Those moment, when we’re feeling fearful, isolated, or vulnerable in some way – think of those feelings as being like weight on a barbell. It’s heavy and can potentially crush you if you let it. But in the moments we consciously decide to respond back to those feelings, that’s like pushing back against the weight to lift it up. In other words, our response to that vulnerability is what strengthens us. Only, unlike the muscles you can see grow larger when we do this with weights, it’s a little less obvious when we grow emotionally stronger because you won’t notice it unless you look a little deeper on the inside.

If you are not very aware of the emotional strength and maturity we gain by doing this, we won’t notice it. And if we don’t notice it, we also won’t notice the enormous benefit that it does to our life. And if we don’t notice the benefit it does to our life, we won’t realise that there is in fact no greater goal to have than to do just this. In other words, the goal is to grow.

That sounds simple in theory, but it requires changing your thinking to become more aware of your inner growth otherwise you will miss it, simply because it’s not going to be obvious unless you’re looking for it. It also requires looking beyond the external, and changing your focus to the inside.

When you do this, and you become very aware of the benefit you have to gain by growing stronger emotionally, you will inevitably direct your intention towards growth being the thing you desire. And when growth is the goal, then all the other stuff, whether it be getting your baby to sleep, breaking a bad habit or any other goal you want to achieve – these things will happen as a natural consequence.

That doesn’t mean you should set goals related to your health, your relationships, your career and your personal life. Whether you want to get in the mindset to lose weight, learn how to survive a nasty breakup or understand the best way to get motivated. But what I can promise you is that if you set your goal as inner growth as the primary goal, those other goals will happen much easier. And then, when they do, the irony is you won’t even really be that impressed by it anyway, because you come to accept that those things are just a natural consequence when you make personal growth your fundamental goal.

Although this sounds simple in theory, like any skill there is still a process involved. So if you’d like a simple step by step guide to get started, just visit the Hypnotherapy Sydney website and click the button that says ‘get started’. And for parents looking for helpful tips and advice for your children, check out our Top of the Class Tutoring Sydney website.

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The ailment of insomnia or sleeplessness due to modern lifestyle has come to the fore. Many health care practitioners now opt for hypnotherapy for sleep as they find it as one of the best ways to overcome the problem of sleeplessness or insomnia.

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How To Get In The Mindset To Lose Weight

One of the most common things people will tell me about weight loss, is that they have had success with a particular method in the past, and would   consider doing that thing again. “I know it worked for me before” they say “so I think it’s best to do that again.” So if you’d like to know how to get in the mindset to lose weight, it’s important that we get real about this for a moment – especially if you’re at the point where you’re sick of going around in circles with this, or any other problem you want to change.

If you want to get in the mindset to lose weight, let’s start by defining terms like ‘worked’. In my books, it ‘works’ if it trains you to develop better habits so that you no longer have the problem, and instead can clear space in your mind to work on a different problem as you clear more and more problems out of the way as you move through life. Going around and around on the one problem really robs you of the space to focus on all the others.

So let me give you an example of how this relates to a weight loss case study so that you can better see how to get in the mindset to lose weight.

I had a Hypnotherapy Ryde client the other day who told me she bought a treadmill 6 months ago. But as is the fate of most treadmills, it just sits there collecting dust. So she is thinking about getting rid of it. The reason – she lacks the energy to use it and wants to know how to get in the mindset to lose weight.

My suggestion was, just to make a routine where you do one minute of walking on the treadmill. After all, this requires very little energy.

“But doing one minute of walking per day isn’t enough to make any difference to my weight.” She replies.

This is true, however the weight is not the cause of the problem – it’s the consequence of the problem. The cause is the thinking and underlying beliefs about the problem. So by getting on the treadmill for just 1 minute per day, you’re communicating something very different to yourself. You’re telling yourself that you don’t need to wait until you feel enough energy to have a hard workout before giving yourself permission to get started. The catch is, after 1 minute, you’ll probably feel like continuing anyway because you have the momentum. But if not, then just give yourself permission to stop. Either way, the key is to break down the ‘black and white’ thinking which underpins the problem, and instead learn how to change your thinking by changing the rules and permission you communicate to yourself. That’s how to get in the mindset to lose weight.

If you do this by the way, you likely won’t lose weight straight away. However it’s vitally important to remember this point: Your weight is not the cause of the problem. Your over eating is not the cause of the problem. Your lack of exercise is not the cause of the problem. Those things come from your headspace, your thinking and your mindset. The reality is that it might take you a while to rewire your brain a bit before the consequences of the problem start to show noticeable changes. But if you’re only every looking on the outside, then you’re going to have a hard time changing a problem which ultimately, stems from the inside. If you want to know how to get in the mindset to lose weight, the key is to start looking less to the outside (which includes the food labels and the scales) and instead, turn your attention to the inside.

So that thing you had success with in the past – how successful is it looking now?

If you decide that you’d like to learn how to get in the mindset to lose weight or rewire any other habits, especially around your health and your weight, then best place to get started is the Hypnotherapy for Weight Loss Sydney page, which has a free ebook and audiobook, which will guide you through the process step by step.

Enjoy!

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Hypnosis for weight loss, what can it do for you? There are many things hypnosis for weight loss can do beyond the weight reduction. Some of these include improved motivation to loss weight, increased self discipline, along with the willpower that is required to lose weight.

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How To Survive A Nasty Breakup

If you’re going through a divorce, a separation or any other kind of difficult breakup right now, then this is a message you need to hear to know how to survive a nasty breakup.

Let’s first look at how NOT to do a breakup.

Let me demonstrate the point by describing a familiar scene in my Sydney Hypnotherapy office.

So yesterday, I was sitting down with a middle aged woman in her late 40’s. She hasn’t been in a proper relationship for quite a few years now. She’s approaching 50 and doesn’t want to go into her older years alone. But here’s the problem; she doesn’t trust men. “They’re all bastards” she insists.

She didn’t always feel this way of course. This fear of trusting the opposite sex long enough to open her heart and enter into a relationship with someone really started back in her late 30’s during her divorce. It was a traumatic time in her life and has left her permanently scarred.

Her (then) husband went around telling all his friends and family that she was to blame – that she was manipulative and would get under his skin. He stone walled her for several years and tried to make the court battle worse than it needed to be – not because he needed the money, but just to make things difficult for her.

She got through it mind you. And whilst she feels stronger and tougher for it, one thing has never repaired; and that is her heart. Now she is too fearful to let anyone close to her except for her pets.

So what went so terrible during the divorce back in her 30’s?

Well the reality is that life isn’t like the movies. It’s very rare that one partner is a completely innocent victim and the other is entirely at fault. Both partners contribute to the gradual downward spiralling dynamic of a failing relationship. But here’s where she went’ wrong when it comes to knowing how to survive a nasty breakup.

She decided, even if unconsciously, that the best way to deal with the hurt and loss she experienced during that time, was to hide behind a comforting blanket of blame. She had convinced herself (and others) that hating him, blaming him and pointing out every mistake he had made was the best way to cope with the loss of her marriage. That way the tears of pain she might have otherwise cried were covered up by a wall of resentment. That was the only way she knew how to survive a nasty breakup.

And whilst that protected her from the vulnerability of loss at the time, it has left her with a long term side effect. That blanket of blame has wrapped itself around her heart, and has kept her emotionally isolated ever since.

So that was yesterday.

Today, I’m sitting down with another woman – this one in her late 30’s. She in the middle of a divorce right now, and has come along telling me all about how horrible her husband has been and how everything is entirely his fault. I try to warn her of the long term disempowering side effects of taking this victimisation position, but all her friends and family have already reinforced it too her. They meant well of course, but just solidified the belief in her mind, that the only way through this tough time is to hold on tight to the certainty of blame, so that the only thing she is even remotely willing to consider is a sympathetic voice rather than an understanding one. And as adamant as she is that anything other than blame for her partner is not worth considering at this stage, I wonder if she would think any differently, had she been privy to the conversation yesterday. It might make her think differently about how to survive a nasty breakup.

One of the most fascinating things about my job is that I get to see behind the scenes in people’s lives at each chapter of their journey. I know the struggles people go through in their 20’s, and I know the struggles they go through in their 30’s, mostly because they never set themselves up for a good 30’s whilst in their 20’s. I also know the struggles they go through in their 40’s, mostly because they neglected to prepare in their 30’s. And I know the most common problems people uncover in their 50’s because it never occurred to them in their 40’s and so forth.

So if you want to know how to survive a nasty breakup or any other challenging moment in life. Just stop and ask yourself two questions.

The first is – how much of this difficulty could you have prevented had you been a bit wiser 10 years ago? And when you realise how much of your current problem can be attributed to your past-self’s lack of foresight, the next question is this:

When approaching this problem you’re going through at the moment; what’s going to be in the best interests of yourself, 10 and even 20 years from now? When you consider if from the perspective of your future-self, it might change your perspective on how to survive a nasty breakup, or similar challenge that you’re going through right now.

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For more great advice and a free online therapy session, check our the Hypnotherapy Sydney website and click the button that say’s ‘get started’

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These days, many marriages end in divorce. However, there are far more resources available to couples than ever before.

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WHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO HARD

Why are relationships so hard?

For starters, the things that attract us to someone may not even be a real part of their personality. You get the seemingly cool, socially confident guy who’s into all the stuff you are and gives you loads of attention. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news ladies – lots of guys know how to put on that act because they know that it’s what girls want. So then later down the track he turns into this cold, controlling and potentially abusive guy and you wonder what happened.

Then you get the nice guy who falls head over heels in love with the girl who seems so sweet, caring and innocent. Then later on he realises she was just using him for the attention because he’d give her everything she wanted, including his heart which she left behind once she found someone willing to work harder for the attention elsewhere. Or even worse, she’d subtly get under his skin to provoke a reaction so that she could walk away claiming to be the victim.

So what was the mistake both people made here that left them asking “why are relationships so hard?”

They were waiting for someone to come along to provide them with their needs. To make them feel good about themselves. So much so, they were too love drunk to see through the mask.

Guys – you might love the way she looks and presents her charming image, but she wants more from a relationship than to spend her days looking good to make you happy. And ladies – he may give you all the attention and put on the charm for you, but he’s going to want more from the relationship than having to spend his time trying to make you happy. Both players in this game were too focused on what they wanted the other person to provide for them, rather than what they could provide for the other. And as such, they both set themselves up to be manipulated, used and disappointed because they attracted someone focused on taking more than on giving. So, why are relationships so hard then?

Well, getting past the mask without being hurt is generally the first hurdle to clear when it comes to making a relationship work. The next hurdle presents itself when you become attached to the person beneath the mask, only to wish that you hadn’t.

YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO WHAT YOU HATE

If you have been hurt by finding out someones mask was hiding something more sinister underneath, then you’re especially likely to fall into the following trap. This trap happens when we fall for someone who reminds us of our own vulnerabilities. Someone who shares our secret pain. Someone who understands and accepts us in ways that the rest of the world would not.

Why are relationships so hard if we are attracted to familiarities? If those familiarities are the parts of us we keep hidden and protected away from the world’s harsh judgement, then our ‘wounded inner child’ connects more easily.

The fact that you are reminded of your own vulnerabilities is not the problem however. The problem is when those vulnerabilities are the parts that you don’t like about yourself. So one of the biggest hurdles people face in relationships is when they see elements in the other person that reminds them of their own self-loathing.

When this happens you become frustrated with your partner for being so pathetic. “Why can’t you just be like all those other normal people?” a self-judgmental voice on the inside strarts screaming from within. It starts screaming at you but eventually finds it easier to turn it’s attention to your partner instead. Thus begins the vicious cycle of a codependent relationship, and creating a situation where both partners start asking – why are relationships so hard?!

So if they’re so pathetic then, why don’t you just leave them for someone higher up the food chain? Well that’s where the codependent relationship conundrum kicks in.

Your partner accepts you because you share those same internal wounds that the rest of the world just wouldn’t understand. So if you leave them behind in pursuit of someone ‘better’ then you will have to keep those inner wounds shielded from potential attack and never really feel free to let your guard down and be yourself.

So long as we stay with someone ‘beneath us’ then our flaws remain safe. After all, they can’t look down on us. And if they can’t look down on us then they can’t hurt us as much as someone who could. So basically, so long as you stay with someone ‘beneath you’ – you’re safe.

Yet despite being safe – you’re dissatisfied. You remain frustrated that you don’t have the freedom to walk away. And because of that frustration, that’s where the arguing, the conflict and the blame starts to begin. That’s where people come along to see a psychotherapist such as myself, asking that old familiar question: Why are relationships so hard?

The other inevitable consequence is that one, if not both parties in the relationship will start pulling the other down. After all, you can only remain safe so long as the other partner doesn’t build their self worth too high. It becomes like two people drowning – they want to save both themselves and the other partner but end up pushing each others head under to keep their own afloat. It turns into a vicious love-hate cycle which inevitably damages both parties – a damage that will often scar them for future relationships as well unfortunately, and leaving each individual continuing to ask why are relationships so hard?.

DOES PUNCHING ABOVE YOUR WEIGHT PREVENT CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHPS?

So should you just cut your losses, muster up some courage and chase after someone who is further ‘up there’ out of your league so to speak? Someone with a higher sense of self worth who you’ll have to work harder to impress but be prouder to be seen with? You’ll always have that risk that they’re looking down on you, but at least you’ll feel like you’ve got a better deal right?

Well whilst this sounds like a courageous thing to do, there is a problem with this approach as well.

If they have such a higher sense of self worth than you, why would they be interested in you? And that’s not to say that they won’t be interested in you, but you have to consider the motive of someone who willingly gets with someone beneath their ‘level’.

This happens all the time mind you, and it almost always ends in disaster as well. If your self worth is significantly lower than theirs, it may seem like you’ve landed yourself a great deal at first. But you might just find out later that their underlying motive was driven by the ability to control you so THEY could stay safe.

I’ve seen this happen over and over in both men and women. You get the controlling guy who is drawn to an insecure girl with self-esteem issues because he knows she’ll make him feel more powerful. After all if she has low standards, he won’t have to try as hard to impress her. But likewise, you get the guy with low self-confidence who hooks up with who he sees as his perfect princess. Only later on she ends up dominating and emasculating him because she knows that she’ll always be able to get away with bad behaviour as he’ll put up with it.

This becomes a lose lose, and part of the reason why relationships are so hard. If you go for someone with more social power, you’re likely to become the victim of their control as they will inevitably see something in you that reminds them of what they don’t like about themselves. If you try to stand up to them, they are likely to either cut you down or cut you loose – either way you end up walking away feeling like you’re not good enough. Thus the cycle continues. You become damaged and inevitably go on to damage someone else.

So do you chase after someone ‘better’ at risk of not being able to be yourself, or stay with someone more accepting and be yourself that you don’t like?

THE BALANCE OF POWER

Perhaps the solution to avoid codependent relationships is to find someone with a relatively equal level of self-esteem right? That way the balance of power remains equal. This sounds good in theory but the reality is that there will almost always be at least some unbalance in power with one partner having a slight upper hand. And even if you were both completely equal, this only really works if you both have a high self-esteem. Two people with an equally low self-esteem is a recipe for a relationship with a low self-esteem.

So when it comes to power and understanding why relationships are so hard; remember this. Power is about need. If I need you more than you need me, then you have more power over me. But if you need me more than I need you then I hold the upper hand. It would be nice to think that you can feel free to trust your partner and let your guard down. But the reality is that so long as there are wounded self-esteems involved, there will inevitably be squabbles and battles over power.

The fundamental problem here is that when we feel the internal darkness of our wounded self-esteem, we seek to brighten it by borrowing someone else’s light. It feels wonderful at first, but eventually we either drain them, they drain us or we both drain each other.That’s why relationships are so hard!

The only real solution is to have so much personal power that no one can drain your light, so you won’t need to fight to keep it guarded. That way you won’t need anyone but instead, be in a position where you can chose to be with them because you want to, not because you need to. And the only way to reach that point is to have a high sense of self worth that you derive not from your partner but from yourself. When two people with a high self-esteem are together, they see their role as voluntary a giver of light rather than a taker of it.

YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU

The best thing for a relationship to avoid codependence therefore is to be comprised of two people who both have a good relationship with themselves. The mistake most people make in their relationship is to try to get the other person to change so the relationship can improve. Focusing the blame on someone or something else however will only ever spin you around in circles. Your best chance for obtaining and maintaining a fulfilling relationship with someone else is to start by obtaining and maintaining a fulfilling relationship with yourself. So then you’ll stop asking “why are relationships so hard?” and instead start asking “how do I improve the relationship I have with myself?”

The rest tends to click into place much easier after that.

WHERE TO FROM HERE

So how do you actually build your own self-esteem? Well it all comes down to the relationship you have with yourself. And like any relationship, the key is in communication.

So what I’ve done is put together a free online video course on the Hypnotherapy Sydney website. It gives you step by step instructions how to become more aware of your self-communication and how to improve the relationship you have with yourself. When you do that, the relationship you have with other will improve as a natural consequence.

So if that sounds like something that you’d like to learn how to do, just click the link that says Hypnotherapist Sydney. And when you’re feeling ready to go ahead and begin the journey – just sit back, get comfortable, relax and enjoy the ride.

Talk to you soon

Stuart Adams, Hypnotherapy Sydney