hyrmind

[hyrmind]

i'm still trying to piece together the truth of it. when you left, you said: feel free to spin this narrative however you want. i have no idea if you were being cruel or if you just genuinely don't remember what you've done to me.

it's hard because i'd done so much of the work for you. i had seen the parts that flaked off, the rust underneath. i started separating you into two people - the one i loved, and the one who hurt me. i had this fantasy version of you - my partner - and then i had this stranger, a third person who would show up randomly to shatter me. i am deliriously glad i'm no longer with "the stranger". i miss the gentle (unreal?) "other" you terribly.

at first, i was so strict about my boundaries. i remember telling you to get the fuck out of my house if you were going to talk to me like that. by the end: i would justify your behavior for you, accepting even your mistreatment as "my fault" in the grand scheme. i look back on the person i was before you - smart, independent, confident - and i feel a strange sense of detachment. i don't even recognize me.

even in one of our last conversations, you said: if you want a partner that always talks warmly to you, find someone else. there was a time that a comment like that would have made me leave. and instead, somehow, i just placidly accepted that kind of thing. you were literally telling me that i wasn't allowed to have a reaction to your cruelty - and i just took it, because you'd so fully turned things around on me.

when people are faced with irrationality, a rational brain tries to make sense of it. this is the trap. they're lovely in the morning, gentle and blue-eyed and sweet. like nothing even happened, they breeze around the house and kiss you on the mouth. but at night; who is that? they snap almost randomly; flying into an impotent rage about just-about-anything. it just doesn't make sense. so the problem must be me, and my brain, and how i think.

the traumatized brain just wants peace. so maybe i'm misremembering. maybe you were just having a bad day. maybe it's actually me.

you eventually would fully turn on me and start implying that i am the bad actor in our relationship. that's what happens, right? that's literally in the playbook. you went to therapy for all of a month, told her a half-truth, co-opted therapyspeak. you figured out how to reframe your actions as "seeking peace." any time i stood my ground, i was "gaslighting." when i asked you to be more gentle, you said i was "tone policing." you said, randomly, i had emotionally manipulated you - i still have no idea what that's even specifically referring to. maybe my consistent requests for calmness and empathy?

and while i literally know better, and i'm sitting here, trained by you, thinking: wait, fuck. was i actually the person you made me out to be?

and the thing that scares me is that i literally do not know if you ever actually saw what you were doing to me. when you'd tell me how you remember arguments, you'd always summarize them in a way where you come off as gentle and easy: "i was trying to set an important boundary." what had actually happened was 15 minutes of you shouting at me i know you did something shady, just admit it already. eventually you'd say my reaction to your shouting (when i finally reacted, which usually happened around hour three) was inevitably "disappointing" and "another way i'm silencing your feelings."

how many times did i ask you - beg you - to just take accountability? looking back, i don't think i ever heard you say: you're right. the way i talked to you was wrong of me.

i am trying to tie together the two people into a full version of you in my head. yes, you made my coffee and made me laugh and spent hours on the phone with me. and yes - you would scream at me until i had to run away and hide behind something.

i wish i did have a narrative i could pull out and shape to my whim. i wish i did have some semblance of reality. instead i just stand here, strange and vibrating, wondering: what the fuck just happened?

[hyrmind]

Being mentally ill and traumatized is so fucking funny sometimes because something completely random will make you bawl your eyes out and then you have to figure out why.

I'm playing a new game and in it, one of the characters basically used magic to summon a pet and make it real, and there was literally nothing sad about this situation at all but I immediately started crying.

And then I was just sitting there with tears streaming down my face, staring at the screen, completely fucking baffled like hello? Huh? We're crying over this? 🤨

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[hyrmind]

npd culture is lying through your teeth to try to comfort someone whos fucking impossible to comfort both bc their constant self pity is pissing you the fuck off and bc if you make them accept help then itll be the biggest ego boost of the century bc they NEVER fucking accept help

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[hyrmind]

npd culture is NEEDING someone who isnt connected to your main friend groups to bitch about them to. like i need someone to go oh my fucking godddd these people are so annoying to but all my friends fucking know each other already or would have some stupid moral high ground “umm shouldnt you talk to them about this?? umm this isnt reasonable or fair to be upset about” bullshit i just know it . and i cant even vent abt this if i wanted to bc who am i gonna say this to?? the friends im actively talking abt needing to shit talk?? get real

- 🕷️🎀

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[hyrmind]

NPD culture is talking to irl friends about your NPD symptoms, and them expressing how they could sort of tell something was off before you even told them, and that it makes sense to them that you have it.

And while your ego takes a hit at first, you remind yourself that they don't care that you have NPD, and are so non-judgemental about it, too. And now you actually feel great because "omfg these people actually understand me and see me for the obvious NPD characteristics I display."

And it's also sort of sweet because both of your friends expressed they notice how you light up when you get to talk, and expressed they conciously decided to let you talk more because of that.

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[hyrmind]

npd culture is "how would you feel if someone said THAT to YOU 🥺" okay well first of all i wouldnt have such an easily exploitable flaw

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[hyrmind]

NPD culture is I HATE myself because I genuinely want to do something epic and heartwarming to honor and in memorial for someone but a tiny sliver of my brain keeps saying "think of how much attention you'll get online for this" SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP ITS NOT ABOUT THAT

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[hyrmind]

npd culture is i am trying. so hard. so hard to be just fucking normal about my chosen person. i have tried so hard to not be weird and clingy and co-dependent. and ive done a better job than usual. but they havent spoken to me in days. everything sent in the last fucking like. 5-ish days has just been from me. i have tried talking over those 5 days and the only time i got any response at all? is when one of us talked about listening to a podcast they liked (and tried to get us to listen to).

i am tired. i am being as benevolent as possible. i am trying to be as understanding as possible. but i have established that this is something i struggle with. i have expressed this incredibly clearly and still. still i get nothing. still i get nothing. still i get nothing. nothing!!!!!. i always always ALWAYS try to start conversations. i am ALWAYS the one leaving out lines and hooks for talking and i get nothing. i get nothing. i dont get anything. they "promise" they "read everything" but that doesnt MATTER if i get NOTHING. NOTHING. FUCKING NOTHING HOW IS THAT FAIR. YOU CAN SAY YOU READ EVERYTHING BUT THAT DOESNT MATTER BECAUSE ITS NOT LIKE I KNOW THAT. YOU DONT SAY ANYTHING TO ME. I HAVE NOBODY ELSE TO TALK TO. NOBODY ELSE I AM COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO TALK TO. i dont have anyone else.

i love my chosen person. i love them, of course i do theyre my best friend. but i am so. so. so tired. im so tired. im so tired and i am so angry and like. what the fuck, man, yk? what are you waiting for me to do. do you want me to beg. please talk to me. please. this isnt fair. you know whats wrong with me, ive begged you ive cried to you ive said so much bullshit trying to get your attention. please. please. i thought you loved me. i love you. please.

-🐢. sorry. whatever, yk? honestly just fucking kill me at this point man.

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[hyrmind]

suspected npd culture is not being even able to FUCKING RESEARCH YOUR OWN DISORDER. BECAUSE ALL THE RESUMTS ARE LIKE "and this is how they manipulate you...." I HOPE YOU ALL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok i'm normal

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[hyrmind]

im so fucming jealous of my mutual im gritting my fucking teeth so hard rn. why can't i be the friend you play games with. why can't i be the friend you name pokemon after. why can't i be the friend you live-blog to. you literally unfriended me on discord a while back, yet you claim to be my "friend"? you relegate our conversations to this fuckass app and you claim to be my friend? why don't you just kick me to the curb already so i don't have to see other people get the treatment i want so so fucking bad. and it's not like i can just ASK for that because that'd be fucking weird. coming into their dms like "hey i like interacting with you, wanna do something pertaining to our shared interests together?" they'd block me faster than light if i tried something like that. god i want to fucking blow my brains out i can't do this shit anymore

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[hyrmind]

i miss being loved but my whole world fell apart and i know im never going to ever get the love i had before. And it hurts so bad

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[hyrmind]

they weren’t lying. It does get better :-)

:]

[hyrmind]

They should invent a new kind of Being Alive where it's not painful and it doesn't hurt constantly and actually feels worth it and you're happy for more than a few hours at a time

[hyrmind]

I dont understand. Theres two versions of you and I hate one and adore the other. When I interact with you, I can manage to blend them together to see the reality for a while. But one mistake or one compliment or one minute apart and suddenly they split again. I want to remember the real you. I wish I loved the real you. Why cant I do it?

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[hyrmind]

int with care but interaction allowed .

hy / hyr / hyrs

hy / hym / hys

[hyrmind]

does he even like me why does he never contact me ?!

miss my bf </3

[hyrmind]

miss my bf </3