i-am-a-fander

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today’s the day

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I have had this in my queue since September

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stranger things kids as john mulaney quotes

Eleven: “Excuse me, I’m new in town and it gets worse.”

Will: “I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

Mike: “’Cause you know how you lie to your parents?”

Lucas: “I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.”

Dustin: “They’re like, ‘Does that work?’ I’m like, ‘It didn’t NOT work.’”

Max: “Sometimes, babies will point at me. And I don’t care for that shit at all.” 

Steve: “Part of me was like, whatever, you know, you know those days when you’re like this might as well happen? Our life is already so goddamn weird.”

Nancy: ♫ And life is a fucking nightmare ♫

Jonathan: “When I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, ‘Hey look at that man.’ I think they’re just like, ‘Whoa, that tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!’”

Billy: “Well… you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it. So… eggs.” 

(BONUS ADULTS)

Joyce: “I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.”

Hopper: “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”

Bob: “I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here.”

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sometimes you’re so depressed and there’s only one person who can get you through it and his name is john mulaney

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If John Mulaney was a vine he’d be “road work ahead? UH YEAH. I sure hope it does!”

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it’s still so wild to me that john mulaney is only 35 years old because whenever he tells stories about his childhood i can’t help but picture him in like the 1960s playing baseball and going to the malt shop and saying things like “why i oughta”

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when my mental health is suffering and my friends ask if i need anything

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I was talking to my History teacher today about John Mulaney’s SNL episode and she just goes “Me and my roommate couldn’t tell if he was 18 or 38,” and honestly what a mood.

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Don’t you know who I am? I’m Strawberry Alarmclock.

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diner: entered

dollars: ready

what’s new: pussycat

what’s new: pussycat

what’s new: pussycat

what’s new: pussycat

what’s new: pussycat

what’s new: pussycat

what’s new: pussycat

its not: unusual

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new dad tony stark: “you can never have the suit back”

also new dad tony stark: *goes home and starts making another suit*

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Vine references: Harry Potter Characters

Harry: Well I’m doing just fine…I lied I’m dying inside

Ron: i don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets

Hermione: that is not correct. Because according to the encyclopaedia of pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-

Neville: Hurricane Katrina? More like Hurricane tortilla

Luna: he needs some milk

Ginny: Go back to sleep, and starve.

Draco: hey loser, say kid backwards! [dik?] Ha ha, that’s gay…

Dumbledore: [HoW dO yOu kNoW wHaT’s gOoD fOr mE?] THAT’S MY OPINIONNN!!!..

Snape: *to the ghostbusters theme song* I’m an adult virgin

Lily: oh my god why can’t you just take the freaking compliMEEEENTT

James: People constantly ask me what’s it like to be a sexy-

Sirius: All I wanna tell you is school’s not important… Be whatever you wanna be. If you wanna be a dog…RUFF. You know?

Remus: [dad, look! it’s the good kush…] This is the dollar store how good can it be?

Peter: I brought you Myrrh [thank you] Mur-dur! [huh…Judas..no]

McGonagall: smack that bitch

Flitwick: I said whoever threw that paper, your moms a hoe!

Hagrid: look at all those chickens

Arthur: road work ahead? Yeah I sure hope it does

Molly: every time you don’t yell at your kids, put a quarter in your sock and soon you’ll have a weapon to beat-

Bill: wOw

Charlie: So no head?

Percy: Hey everybody, today my brother pushed me, so I’m starting a kickstarter to put him down. The benefits of killing him would be: I would get pushed way less.

Fred: can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?

George: I’m John Cena!

Tonks: This bitch empty, YEET!

Moody: I wanna be a cowboy baby

Colin: That was legitness

Cho: Chris is that a weed?

Cedric: Oh my god they were roommates

Fleur: hi, I’m Renata Bliss and I’m your freestyle dance teacher

Victor: *slides in* Good evening

Dudley: Whaddup my name is Jared, I’m 19, and I never fucking learnt how to read

Petunia: I saw you hanging out with caitlin yesterday!! [r-rebecca, it’s not what you think!] i won’t hesitate, bitch! * pew pew *

Dobby: Hi welcome to chilli’s

Hedwig: Bitch I hope the fuck you do! You’ll be a dead son of a bitch I tell you

Narcissa: two shots of vodka *pours in half a bottle of vodka*

Bellatrix: I love you bitch. I ain’t never gonna stop loving you….bitch.

Voldemort: I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me

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reblog if ur mom is smart and beautiful

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me, making a phone call: god i hope they don’t answer

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The same Ocean that constantly put Moana and her chicken back on the boat is the same Ocean that let her father’s best friend drown when they were kids.

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Imagine your otp

hahahaha best prank i’ve seen in a while

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Reblog if you genuinely support asexuals

It terrifies me that there’s so much raging passion in the lgbt+ community that insist on marginalizing asexuals and implying that asexuals don’t deserve to have safe spaces. There’s still so much acephobia so I just wanna know which blogs are genuinely supportive and a safe space for asexuals