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[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

Do you remember the first "humans are space orcs" post? (at least I think it's the first, correct me if I'm wrong)

I found a picture of it on r/humansarespaceorcs with some of the reblogs and the very last one made me realize something.

WE ARE THE IMMORTAL SNAIL!!!

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[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

I want to live by myself when I move out of my parent's place but I'm really afraid of money problems? I'm afraid that the only place I can afford will be in the ghetto and it'll all be torn apart and I'll only be allowed to eat one granola bar a week. I'm really stressing out about this. I don't know anything about after school life. I don't know anything about paying bills or how to buy an apartment and it's really scaring me. is there anything you know that can help me?

HI darling,

I’ve actually got a super wonderful masterpost for you to check out:

Home

what the hell is a mortgage?

first apartment essentials checklist

how to care for cacti and succulents

the care and keeping of plants

Getting an apartment

Money

earn rewards by taking polls

how to coupon

what to do when you can’t pay your bills

see if you’re paying too much for your cell phone bill

how to save money

How to Balance a Check Book

How to do Your Own Taxes

Health

how to take care of yourself when you’re sick

things to bring to a doctor’s appointment

how to get free therapy

what to expect from your first gynecologist appointment

how to make a doctor’s appointment

how to pick a health insurance plan

how to avoid a hangover

a list of stress relievers

how to remove a splinter

Emergency

what to do if you get pulled over by a cop

a list of hotlines in a crisis

things to keep in your car in case of an emergency

how to do the heimlich maneuver

Job

time management

create a resume

find the right career

how to pick a major

how to avoid a hangover

how to interview for a job

how to stop procrastinating

How to write cover letters

Travel

ULTIMATE PACKING LIST

Traveling for Cheap

Travel Accessories

The Best Way to Pack a Suitcase

How To Read A Map

How to Apply For A Passport

How to Make A Travel Budget

Better You

read the news

leave your childhood traumas behind

how to quit smoking

how to knit

how to stop biting your nails

how to stop procrastinating

how to stop skipping breakfast

how to stop micromanaging

how to stop avoiding asking for help

how to stop swearing constantly

how to stop being a pushover

learn another language

how to improve your self-esteem

how to sew

learn how to embroider

how to love yourself

100 tips for life

Apartments/Houses/Moving

Moving Out and Getting an Apartment, Part 1: Are You Sure? (The Responsible One)

Moving Out and Getting an Apartment, Part 2: Finding the Damn Apartment (The Responsible One)

Moving Out and Getting an Apartment, Part 3: Questions to Ask about the Damn Apartment (The Responsible One)

Moving Out and Getting an Apartment, Part 4: Packing and Moving All of Your Shit (The Responsible One)

How to Protect Your Home Against Break-Ins (The Responsible One)

Education

How to Find a Fucking College (The Sudden Adult)

How to Find Some Fucking Money for College (The Sudden Adult)

What to Do When You Can’t Afford Your #1 Post-Secondary School (The Sudden Adult)

Stop Shitting on Community College Kids (Why Community College is Fucking Awesome) (The Responsible One)

How to Ask for a Recommendation Letter (The Responsible One)

How to Choose a College Major (The Sudden Adult)

Finances

How to Write a Goddamn Check (The Responsible One)

How to Convince Credit Companies You’re Not a Worthless Bag of Shit (The Responsible One)

Debit vs Credit (The Responsible One)

What to Do if Your Wallet is Stolen/Lost (The Sudden Adult)

Budgeting 101 (The Responsible One)

Important Tax Links to Know (The Responsible One)

How to Choose a Bank Without Screwing Yourself (The Responsible One)

Job Hunting

How to Write a Resume Like a Boss (The Responsible One)

How to Write a Cover Letter Someone Will Actually Read (The Responsible One)

How to Handle a Phone Interview without Fucking Up (The Responsible One)

10 Sites to Start Your Job Search (The Responsible One)

Life Skills

Staying in Touch with Friends/Family (The Sudden Adult)

Bar Etiquette (The Sudden Adult)

What to Do After a Car Accident (The Sudden Adult)

Grow Up and Buy Your Own Groceries (The Responsible One)

How to Survive Plane Trips (The Sudden Adult)

How to Make a List of Goals (The Responsible One)

How to Stop Whining and Make a Damn Appointment (The Responsible One)

Miscellaneous

What to Expect from the Hell that is Jury Duty (The Responsible One)

Relationships

Marriage: What the Fuck Does It Mean and How the Hell Do I Know When I’m Ready? (Guest post - The Northwest Adult)

How Fucked Are You for Moving In with Your Significant Other: An Interview with an Actual Real-Life Couple Living Together™ (mintypineapple  and catastrofries)

Travel & Vehicles

How to Winterize Your Piece of Shit Vehicle (The Responsible One)

How to Make Public Transportation Your Bitch (The Responsible One)

Other Blog Features

Apps for Asshats

Harsh Truths & Bitter Reminders

Asks I’ll Probably Need to Refer People to Later

Apartments (or Life Skills) - How Not to Live in Filth (The Sudden Adult)

Finances - Tax Basics (The Responsible One)

Important Documents - How to Get a Copy of Your Birth Certificate (The Responsible One)

Important Documents - How to Get a Replacement ID (The Responsible One)

Health - How to Deal with a Chemical Burn (The Responsible One)

Job Hunting - List of Jobs Based on Social Interaction Levels (The Sudden Adult)

Job Hunting - How to Avoid Falling into a Pit of Despair While Job Hunting (The Responsible One)

Job Hunting - Questions to Ask in an Interview (The Responsible One)

Life Skills - First-Time Flying Tips (The Sudden Adult)

Life Skills - How to Ask a Good Question (The Responsible One)

Life Skills - Reasons to Take a Foreign Language (The Responsible One)

Life Skills - Opening a Bar Tab (The Sudden Adult)

Relationships - Long Distance Relationships: How to Stay in Contact (The Responsible One)

Adult Cheat Sheet:

what to do if your pet gets lost

removing stains from your carpet

how to know if you’re eligible for food stamps

throwing a dinner party

i’m pregnant, now what?

first aid tools to keep in your house

how to keep a clean kitchen

learning how to become independent from your parents

job interview tips

opening your first bank account

what to do if you lose your wallet

tips for cheap furniture

easy ways to cut your spending

selecting the right tires for your car

taking out your first loan

picking out the right credit card

how to get out of parking tickets

how to fix a leaky faucet

get all of your news in one place

getting rid of mice & rats in your house

when to go to the e.r.

buying your first home

how to buy your first stocks

guide to brewing coffee

first apartment essentials checklist

coping with a job you hate

30 books to read before you’re 30

what’s the deal with retirement?

difference between insurances

Once you’ve looked over all those cool links, I have some general advice for you on how you can have some sort of support system going for you:

Reasons to move out of home

You may decide to leave home for many different reasons, including:

wishing to live independently

location difficulties – for example, the need to move closer to university

conflict with your parents

being asked to leave by your parents.

Issues to consider when moving out of home

It’s common to be a little unsure when you make a decision like leaving home. You may choose to move, but find that you face problems you didn’t anticipate, such as:

Unreadiness – you may find you are not quite ready to handle all the responsibilities.

Money worries – bills including rent, utilities like gas and electricity and the cost of groceries may catch you by surprise, especially if you are used to your parents providing for everything. Debt may become an issue.

Flatmate problems – issues such as paying bills on time, sharing housework equally, friends who never pay board, but stay anyway, and lifestyle incompatibilities (such as a non-drug-user flatting with a drug user) may result in hostilities and arguments.

Your parents may be worried

Think about how your parents may be feeling and talk with them if they are worried about you. Most parents want their children to be happy and independent, but they might be concerned about a lot of different things. For example:

They may worry that you are not ready.

They may be sad because they will miss you.

They may think you shouldn’t leave home until you are married or have bought a house.

They may be concerned about the people you have chosen to live with.

Reassure your parents that you will keep in touch and visit regularly. Try to leave on a positive note. Hopefully, they are happy about your plans and support your decision.

Tips for a successful move

Tips include:

Don’t make a rash decision – consider the situation carefully. Are you ready to live independently? Do you make enough money to support yourself? Are you moving out for the right reasons?

Draw up a realistic budget – don’t forget to include ‘hidden’ expenses such as the property’s security deposit or bond (usually four weeks’ rent), connection fees for utilities, and home and contents insurance.

Communicate – avoid misunderstandings, hostilities and arguments by talking openly and respectfully about your concerns with flatmates and parents. Make sure you’re open to their point of view too – getting along is a two-way street.

Keep in touch – talk to your parents about regular home visits: for example, having Sunday night dinner together every week.

Work out acceptable behaviour – if your parents don’t like your flatmate(s), find out why. It is usually the behaviour rather than the person that causes offence (for example, swearing or smoking). Out of respect for your parents, ask your flatmate(s) to be on their best behaviour when your parents visit and do the same for them.

Ask for help – if things are becoming difficult, don’t be too proud to ask your parents for help. They have a lot of life experience.

If your family home does not provide support

Not everyone who leaves home can return home or ask their parents for help in times of trouble. If you have been thrown out of home or left home to escape abuse or conflict, you may be too young or unprepared to cope.

If you are a fostered child, you will have to leave the state-care system when you turn 18, but you may not be ready to make the sudden transition to independence.

If you need support, help is available from a range of community and government organisations. Assistance includes emergency accommodation and food vouchers. If you can’t call your parents or foster parents, call one of the associations below for information, advice and assistance.

Where to get help

Your doctor

Kids Helpline Tel. 1800 55 1800

Lifeline Tel. 13 11 44

Home Ground Services Tel. 1800 048 325

Relationships Australia Tel. 1300 364 277

Centrelink Crisis or Special Help Tel. 13 28 50

Tenants Union of Victoria Tel. (03) 9416 2577

Things to remember

Try to solve any problems before you leave home. Don’t leave because of a fight or other family difficulty if you can possibly avoid it.

Draw up a realistic budget that includes ‘hidden’ expenses, such as bond, connection fees for utilities, and home and contents insurance.

Remember that you can get help from a range of community and government organizations. 

(source)

Keep me updated? xx

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As an asexual, growing up religious (and idk how it is for people of other faiths) as Mormon/member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is so strange?

Because as a child you have lesson after lesson about chastity, and being virtuous, and the dangers of being sexually intimate before marriage. And they are like “don’t date till your 16!” And “don’t seriously date someone in high school!!” And “don’t even think about sex”

And so I go “ok I love rules and I love following them, so I won’t like guys till I’m 16” and then I don’t. And I look around at all my peers, many of whom are the same faith as me, and some of them are doing things they shouldn’t, and I can’t comprehend why? Like, just don’t like them, it’s that simple??

Then you get to high school, and you can start dating, but only in big groups- and I learned how fun it is to go on dates!! I LOVED going on dates in high school, because I had a pretty good friend group and so it would be with friends, and it would be like a group hangout except someone would pay for my food. Heck yah!!??

Anyways I didn’t date my first year at college, bc I didn’t really know many people, but that wasn’t too big a deal bc!! Then I went on a mission! And some of the sisters would ask what elders I had a crush on, and I was shocked? Because we weren’t supposed to feel that way? So... don’t? It’s that simple guys.

Basically growing up I felt praised and honestly prideful at my lack of sexual attraction, because I was following the rules and apparently this was a problem for everyone else!? But now, home from my mission and faced with a guy I really like wanting to date me, when I try to talk to people about how I don’t like him like that- or anyone, all I get is “you have to get over this mindset you had”. Like, my parents, who are very religious, are telling me that because of the church, I scared myself away from wanting a relationship/sex by inherentally thinking it is bad, and in good fun my dad says “you’re broken” when I tell him I’m not attracted to this guy who is doing everything right.

And my mom tells me that we’ll figure this out and get through it- and yah. Theoretically, one day I want to get married in the temple and have a family, and kids. Gosh darn it I’m so lonely! But also? So what? If my religion did push me away from wanting sex? Wasn’t that the point? Am I not good enough because I was so good as a child? I followed all the rules, and now I’m in trouble for following them- but also I can’t break them, I can’t be queer, and I can’t be radical and I can’t change.

Maybe I don’t get married! Maybe!! Maybe I do, and it’s 20 years away. Maybe I find a guy willing to not have sex, or be romantic, and we adopt. Maybe I find a best friend who can relate and be there for me. Maybe I fluctuate between crushing loneliness and happiness because I don’t have a single person in my life who is mine, and I don’t have kids of my own, but I have a ward family, and extended family, and neighbors. Maybe I’m not something to be fixed!!

I refuse to look at it like that, because whenever I start to despair I feel the spirit comforting me, and telling me my Heavenly Parents love me, and reminding me I was made the way I am. I know, and firmly believe in the importance of families! And gosh darn it, I always planned on one of my own. But maybe it doesn’t look just like what it should. Maybe it will. But as a little girl who did “everything right”, and who tried to keep her thoughts clean and herself virtuous, and who loved to do so, I shouldn’t have to feel bad about keeping that conviction as an adult!

Idk. I’m tired of my parents trying to reassure me that we’ll “figure this out”. Because they aren’t listening- I have figured it out. I’m aroace. I don’t want it. I want to want it so badly, but at the end of the day? I don’t. And that’s not something that has to be fixed, or worked through.

So, all you aro/ace/any LGBTQIA+ peoples, religious or non religious, hi. I’m al. I love you, and so does God. There’s not a point to this, I just wanted to go off. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

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So I stumbled through the Barbie aisle at Walmart the other day…

…and y'all, I almost cried. Just look at these. LOOK AT THEM.

So many skin tones!

PLUS SIZED BODY TYPES!

NATURAL HAIR STYLES!!! MULTIPLE SHADES OF DARK SKIN!!!

A WOMAN AS A DOCTOR!!!!!

[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

GUIDE TO:

FIX YOUR SLEEPING SCHEDULE (1-2 months)

Try to wake up earlier every day. Like 5 - 10 min earlier than the day before. Until you wake up any time before 8am or so…

If you struggle with waking up & snooze button is you bff:

Put your alarm clock as far away from the bed as possible.

Drink a glass of water right after you wake up.

Pour another glass of water on yourself right after you wake up.

Prepare some coffee the night before, leave it by your bedside, drink it after you wake up.

Have your blinds/curtains open, so that it’s bright after you wake up.

Try to go to bed 5-10 min earlier than the night before.

Track how many hours of sleep you’re getting. Aim to get at least 7h per day or 49h per week. 

Increase your sleeping hours incrementally. Aim to get at least 1h of sleep more than the previous week. For example, if this week you slept for 41hrs, aim to get an extra hour of sleep next week, so it’s 42h.Once you get enough hours of sleep and wake up early-ish.

Try to keep your sleeping schedule consistent. It is really important to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.  Even if it’s weekend. Or even if that means, you getting less than 7hrs of sleep that day. I’d say waking up at the same time everyday is the most important step, which will help you the most with fixing your sleeping schedule.

START EATING HEALTHY (1-2 months)

This step really depends from person to person, but firstly I suggest you take some blood tests to see if you have any deficiencies, etc. Especially, if you struggle with cravings.  

Try intermittent fasting, if you struggle with binge eating or overeating. As it will help you to learn to listen to your body better: when it’s hungry, when it’s full, etc. It’s really simple, there are many methods of Intermittent fasting, but I’d suggest 16/8 for the beginners. (Google it for more info)

DRINK ALL THE WATER. Again, if you’re not drinking enough water, try to level up your water game incrementally. Download some water tracking app on your phone to help you. Drinking water will make you more energetic, increase your metabolism, and decrease you appetite (among many more benefits).

Track what you eating. I would really suggest tracking your meals for around a month. Because, most of the time people have no idea that what they’re eating is unhealthy. Again, download an app to your phone for that.

Make your own meals once in a while. Not only this will save you money, but it’ll help you to see what’s really going into your body.

Eat less meat and more veggies/fruits. Go to your local market and buy some veggies/fruits, you have never tried before. I’m sure you’ll find your new favs. Eat/buy less meat. Not only it’s good for the environment, but it is good for you, too. Get a veggie burger instead of the beef one, etc.

Cut dairy. Find your new favourite milk substitute. Advice: Oat milk is really good with the tea and oatmeal/porridge; hazelnut milk is amazing on it’s own; cashew milk goes well with cereals.

Learn more about nutrition in general. It will help you to make better food choices and it will make eating healthy much easier in general, because once you understand all the chemistry behind the food and what it does to your body, you kinda don’t want to make yourself feel worse. Here are some free resources: - Human nutrition course from Alison.com - Crash course Metabolism&Nutrition: Part 1 and Part 2 - The Health Nerd’s YouTube Playlist about nutrition - What I’ve Learnt YouTube Playlist - Human nutrition course from Alison.com - Crash course Metabolism&Nutrition: Part 1 and Part 2 - The Health Nerd’s YouTube Playlist about nutrition - What I’ve Learnt YouTube Playlist

GET PHYSICALLY FIT (2-6 months)

Define your goals. Do you want to lose weight, do you want to get stronger, gain weight, be able to climb stairs without losing breath, run 5k?

Remember - you’re half-way through. Being physically fit has a lot to do with what you put into your body. So, if you fulfilled the previous step of eating healthy - you are half way through!

Make a plan. A Reasonable plan. Be honest with yourself.

Start small. Like, 5 min exercise in the morning. Or doing 10 sit ups per day. Don’t do anything overwhelming, like running 5k everyday if you haven’t run for the past 5 years.

Make sure that you kinda like what you’re doing. If you absolutely hate running - don’t do it. Hate doing sit ups in the morning? Try some yoga instead.

Explore until you find what you like. You don’t have to go to gym to get fit, especially if you hate it. Find a type of exercise, which you actually like. Maybe it’s dancing or hiking, taking your dog for a walk. Sign up for several trial lessons of various sport clubs. Ditch ‘em if you have them until you find something that you love. Stick with that.

Do the small changes in your everyday life. Stairs>Escalator, Walk>Drive, Do some squats while brushing your teeth, switch from regular desk to standing desk, etc…  Find ways to incorporate being active into your everyday life

Track your effort instead of your progress. You cannot really control your progress that much (especially if your goal was to lose weight). However, you can always control your effort. So track it instead. This will leave you more motivated. As you will be able to see that you can do more and more everyday. Whereas, if you tracked your progress, you may not always get the result you hoped for, which might demotivate you and make you upset, wanting to quit.

BEAT DEPRESSION

Do the previous 3 steps and you’re half way through.

See a therapist/doctor. Depression is an illness, requiring medical treatment. So, get it. Remember: there is absolutely no fucking shame in having a mental illness.

Get some extra support. Talk to your friends or family. Or maybe someone on the internet.

Write it out. If you don’t want to talk - write down your thoughts. It can be just as helpful. It’ll help you to understand yourself better, see problems in your thinking, etc.

Distract yourself from yourself. Get someone/something to take care of, so that you can, for a moment, stop thinking about yourself and focus on something else. E.g, get a plant, or a dog, or a fish.

Self-care day. Dedicate at least one day per week for self-care. Take yourself out, either to a museum or some fancy cafe, do some stuff you like, whatever your hobbies are, do some physical self care: bath, face mask, manicure, etc., listen to some nice music, watch a film…..

STOP PROCRASTINATION

Celebrate your victories instead of mourning over your loses.So the only thing you’ve done today was write one sentence for your 20 page essay? Amazing! Buy yourself a candy for that!! I mean, you could’ve done nothing, but you didn’t - you wrote that one sentence and that’s worth celebrating.

Do it for only 2 minutes. If there’s an important thing you’ve been putting off for a while, tell yourself that you will only spend 2 minutes on doing it. If after 2 minutes you don’t want to do it anymore, great, stop it. However, after 2min. you actually might want to do more. No pressure either way.

Track your productivity. Track how much time you’ve been productive that day. Try to increase that time by a little bit every day.

Always forgive yourself. So, it’s been a week and you’ve done nothing? Don’t sweat it. Let it go. Blaming yourself will bring you absolutely nothing. Nothing good will come out of your negativity on yourself. So stop it. Forgive yourself and start again. And again, if you need to. Never stop trying. Always pick yourself after you fall. Beating procrastination and increasing your discipline is a skill. And all skills can be build on. There is nothing in you stopping you from changing. Remember that.

LEARN HOW TO DO TAXES (1h - 1 day)

Go to google.com.

Type in: “How to do taxes *the name of the country you’re living in*”

Read the results.

GET MENTALLY STRONG ENOUGH TO MAKE PHONE CALLS

Remember that just as with beating procrastination, making phone calls is a skill. And, again, skills can be learnt.

Get a new SIM card.

Top it up.

Dial some random numbers and pretend to be a salesman, selling whatever you like.. E.g., trying to sell broadband, cable tv, trying to get people to donate for some charity… Or whatever really… Me and some friends used to pretend we’re selling kittens or wood logs. Alternatively, you can pretend that you dialed a wrong person and talk about whatever, e.g. “Hey, Jess!! You wont believe what I saw today!! *start telling a made-up story*…”

If you get uncomfortable - just drop the call. No consequences whatsoever.

Repeat until you build up your game and your phone-call anxiety starts to diminish.

SLAY THOSE BITCHES Congratulations, now you’re ready to take over the world! Got get ‘em!!

[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

I had a realization...

So I’ve realized that i keep flipping between what i call my significant other, ill keep flipping between fiance and boyfriend. So to be able to explain why this ends up happening ill have to explain our whole situation.

We live in the very religious state of Utah in the united states, also known as "the den of Mormonism. "'Mormonism" is the slang term i guess, to refer to "the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints" i could go on and on about the church I was raised in and am surrounded by. And i probably will next, for now i will leave it as 1) yes the church is a part of Christianity. 2) no, polygamy is not part of the current teachings, and they condemn it now.  3) there are many wards(congregations, etc) that are abusive, that are corrupted,hyper judgmental, and are cult-like, and there are many wards that are not any of those things and are loving welcoming and accepting families. Both do exist, i have seen that. I was lucky that my ward and my bishops throughout my life (religious leader in charge of the ward) have been selfless, kind, compassionate, and loving to everyone. But i know that many people had and have very different experiences with the church. But more on that in another post.

The reason I mention these things is because it is everywhere out here, especially in the valley we live in which is salt lake valley,where the capital of the state, and the headquarters of the church are, there are more LDS churches than Starbucks in our valley. And nearly everywhere you look things are being held to these lofty moral standards. One example that me and my fiance/boyfriend feel heavily is the conflicting expectations for young adults, right after high school boys are pressured and expected to serve a 2 year mission preaching and sharing the gospel of the church. Girls are also allowed to go and serve, but there is no where near as much pressure or expectation for that. Girls instead are told to go to college and meet a nice RM (returned missionary) and get married as soon as possible, typically dropping out of college and supporting him through his degree so he can provide for you later and begin having children right away(not always the expectation, but oftentimes is the only way to accomplish what is expected of them). Because this is a cultural expectation 90% of the people in college are looking for a long-time permanent partner. And everyone knows that that is almost everyone else's goals as well. Many girls go to college specifically to get an "MRS. degree" (stay long enough to get married) and oh boy do people get married fast.

I graduated high school a little over 1 year ago.(I graduated May of 2017 and i’m writing this October of 2018) and to date, 16 of my friends have gotten engaged, 10 of them have already gotten married, and one of them already has a child. Now 4 of those people happened to be couples who knew each other from childhood and dated all through high school. But the rest, plus the ones who are just engaged, and the friend who has a child have all met their partner after they left high school, and have already decided to spend "time and all eternity" with this human they have known for less than a year and a few months. AND THAT IS THE NORM OUT HERE. Most colleges have streamlined processes for changing your name after marriage, if the college has dorms or some kind of housing, most have separate "married student" housing so that its easier for the students to have a place to live while going to schools.(not for families who has one or two parents going back to school, but for students who get married while still living in the dorms on campus) There are loads of programs and assistance for young married couples who haven't had the time to say build up their credit scores, or build a credit history, manage bills, etc. All because its so common for people to get married before they are 20. (One theory as to the young marrying age is because the church teaches that "premarital cohabitation" and premarital sex are both immoral acts, so as teenagers get older and want to begin having sex marriage seems to be the only acceptable way, however there is also the undeniable fact that the church believes that one of the first instructions God gave was to “multiply and replenish the earth.(there is an average of 3.4 children per household in Mormon houses)

This leads us back to me and my SO. My darling SO and i had the ability to basically live together for several months after we met. And we realized that we felt like we couldn’t live without the other. We are 2 halves of the same whole. He is the light of my life. And i am his. Well, we have had sex, and we were secretly cohabiting ((I had a private single dorm room that he basically moved into with me)) and neither one of us believes in the church or many of its teachings. My parents have been pushing us to just get married so we don't have to be apart, especially my mom who sees how badly I hurt when I have to leave him (and because they are dedicated to the church, and they are disappointed in the fact that i have had premarital sex. luckily they have not disowned me or kicked me out which is lucky...)

But I am afraid of the title "husband and wife" I'm afraid that we don't know something about us that will drive us apart. At the same time my SO's parents tell him that they do not even want to hear the possibility of him getting married before he is nearly done with his engineering degree. Our parents are just trying to help, mine don't want me to hurt and be in pain, his don't want him to derail his degree and his future. Me though? I've begun to reach the point that I'm not afraid of the title "husband and wife" anymore. I just want to be with him however I can. The depth of our relationship is that of two engaged people, even though we aren’t actually engaged yet. However because he is able to go to college because of a trust fund controlled by his grandparents we can't actually get engaged or even live together as roommates to save on rent costs, because if we upset his family they could pull his access to the fund. "If you’re adult enough to get married then you’re adult enough to pay your way through" So we are stuck in a limbo. On one hand constantly being bombarded with questions of when we are going to tie the knot (since we've been together for nearly 11 months) and on the other having to take things slower and not being so close to each other. When we are with my family and when i’m talking to my family i have to lean heavier on "as soon as we can we will get hitched" and when we are with his family we have to be "a chaste couple who are taking things slow and steady" Some days when i’m writing, calling him my boyfriend just flows easier, and other days calling him my fiance is easier. But no matter what, i just think of him as mine. It doesn’t matter what we have to call our relationship to line it up with whatever the people around us want, it doesn’t matter what "stage of the relationship" we are at, according to everyone else. To us, we want to build a future together. We want to finish college as soon as we possibly can, we want to be able to leave this state, and get away from the toxic culture around us. We know that we will do everything we can so that we never have to wake up alone ever again. So ill probably continue to flip on what i call him on here, until things change and i’m actually able to call him my fiance and then my husband and have the ring to back it up. 

[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

This hits me so hard...ive gotten really sick the last several months and now I am nearly bedridden and i can't do the things I love the most, like dancing, acting, riding a bike, or even make my own food.

One of the most saddening things to happen to yourself is being unable to do something that you used to be really good at.

[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

i’m a vampire...kindof?

the past few months i have been really sick. 

to understand my current problems, you have to become familiar with my history. my mother has both endometriosis and PCOS. the short story is that she should not have been able to get pregnant or have children, however through years of treatment, and a large amount of luck, well, when i was born they knew i would have some problems. well, now i’m an adult. i am 19 and several health problems have already manifested themselves. this most recent one has knocked me down to my knees.

i was born with a severe peanut allergy, and short Achilles's tendons, weak knees, and as I’ve grown older several mental health problems have reared their ugly heads. 

after i got my first period when i was about 12 we knew that we had to wait and see if i would have similar problems as my mom. sadly...i have and i haven’t...

for years my periods have been longer than normal, instead of lasting for 3-5 days of bleeding, and typically last over a week, nearly 2 of bleeding. i went to my normal doctor for years and he was...less than helpful...he was a doctor who worked with my mom in the local hospital for years before he opened his own practice, so my whole family trusted him implicitly. he prescribed me Metformin. a pill that can help with endometriosis, but is primarily used to treat diabetes. i was on that pill for nearly 7 years, without seeing any tangible effect. and gave me lectures about how to diet properly and lose weight. ((weight gain is a symptom of many uterine problems. however at the time i was a very active teenage girl with anorexic problems who has spent most of her life underweight, but within about 4 months raised up to the lower side of healthy weight))

when i wasn't bleeding, i could spend months between periods. a clear sign that my uterus was broken in some way. 

after nearly 6 years of living my life like this, my primary doctor passed away, so i began to see a new doctor in the same practice. 

this time she was much more receptive with my problems, however she agreed to do what my previous doctor was doing, and work under the presumption that i have the same problems as my mom, and keep me on the same medications my old doctor prescribed. then i went off to college, and tried to keep living my life. well...like a frog in cold water, slowly heating up until it dies...i didn’t realize at the time, but i had just hopped into my own pot. 

the university i chose to go to is a large sprawling campus on the side of a mountain...yeah...someone had a laugh while designing that one... i was able to live on campus and the school had a free shuttle service to take students around. even so i was more active than ever, i was walking over a mile each day, many days closer to 2 miles if not more. and nearly 1/2 mile of that was my daily walk to the dining hall, walking from my dorm room uphill to the hall, and then back at least twice a day. at first the walk was easy, the only hard part was walking home alone at night. i hadn’t noticed if it got harder to walk if anything it was fairly stagnant. i could walk it, but after climbing to the second floor where the food was, i did notice that i would get more out of breath some days. but at the time i just wrote it off as being tired from my classes earlier that day. then i went home for winter break. very soon after i got home from winter break...that same weekend even, i met my boyfriend. within a fortnight, we became inseparable, we met up after our classes to study in the library, then go get dinner and go back to my dorm room to watch various shows. about a month after meeting him we began sleeping together, and would go to lunch when our schedules lined up. whenever we weren’t in class we would be together. and as time went on, i slowly started to get more and more tired, soon i couldn’t make it to a graded discussion class i had in the evenings, i simply didn’t have the strength to walk to it, the class being fairly far into a section of campus where the shuttles didn’t run. then as we would walk up to the dining hall each time slowly i would get more and more out of breath, and i would start having to walk slower and slower and needing to take more and more breaks. and we knew that i was getting sicker, but we didn’t know why. after summer break started i moved back home, and there i continued to get weaker. we scheduled an appointment with a new doctor who worked with my therapist, and on the first appointment she sat down with me and we brainstormed some ideas on why i was so weak, and then we were waiting for meds to begin working, and blood tests to be taken and results to come back.

see, as a secondary problem, i have a severe needle phobia, one bad enough that i need to take xanax otherwise i will bite people...which i have...when i was 16...

finally we had an appointment scheduled for a blood test, and i managed to not bite anyone...my boyfriend came to give me support and had mentioned shock when my mom told him that he would probably need to physically restrain me when the nurse gets close, and hold me there until the needle is removed, however i was so weak at that point that he just needed to hold my hand, and gently keep my body from moving, but it wasn't hard to do. 

a few days later i got a call that the results were back, and seemed out of wack, so the doctor wanted another test to confirm. so exactly a week after the first test, i came back to the office. at this point i couldn't stand for more than 20 seconds without collapsing, and i could barely walk farther than 15 feet at a time. i limped into the closest room that the nurse led me to, and i laid down. almost immediately the doctor came in and she took one look at me, before almost bolting back to her office and printing off my lab results. by the time she got back she was terrified. as she flipped through the pages and read the results to my mom as i laid there pale and panting. she kept apologizing to us, she hadn't seen the results herself yet, because typically whenever there is an abnormal result the lab flags it and she looks at it straightaway. for some reason the lab hadn't flagged her, and if they had she would have called us right away to take me to a hospital. as it was, my mom basically cradled me up and took me to the car and began to drive us out to the best hospital in our area, which just so happens to be part of the university i go to for school. during the same time, my boyfriend was cramming for a final for his summer math class he needed to pass, so while we drove up to the hospital, i got in contact with my boyfriend’s parents to tell them what was going on, and to ask them if they thought it would be too detrimental to tell him about what was happening, we decided to hold off telling him until we knew more. so even though it was hard, i kept myself from calling him scared for hours.

while we drove my mom told me about what the results were, as when the doctor was reading them i was preoccupied with breathing and preparing myself for a blood draw, the basic results was that i am severely anemic. typically everyone has between 12 and 15 (grams per deciliter) of blood in their body. well...my score from the previous week was 6.9, about half as much blood as a usual adult. basically...not a good situation to be in.

we got to the emergency room, and my mom handed the receptionist the lad results from last week, and within 2 minutes they had taken me back to get my vitals and less than 2 minutes after that we were escorted back into the floor and into a room. i was handed a gown and told to dress as fast as i could. my mom helped me undress and as soon as i lied down my room was suddenly filled with people. a woman came in to put in a IV, the ER head nurse came in with another nurse, the ER doctor came in, as well as (because it is a teaching school) three student doctors came in as well with clipboards to take notes. 

how ERs work especially in the US, is that it doesn't matter what order you come in, but the severity of people’s problems. i have been in the ER before, and my mom worked there for years and told us about it, even when my sister had to go to the same hospital with appendicitis, she was waiting in the ER for nearly 10 hours. suddenly within 5 minutes of arriving i was in a bed, surrounded by people.

i have never felt more important in my life. 

i also have never felt more like i was going to die. 

as my mom explained what happened to the doctors and nurses, i quietly steeled my stomach and prepared myself for the IV.  ((if one good thing has come from this whole thing is that I’ve found coping mechanisms for needles that have helped. such as lying down instead of sitting, and holding the bed or something helps it so that i don’t fight it as much))

the main culprit for my sudden loss of blood was my period. the day i was admitted into the hospital marked the one month point of solid and heavy bleeding. the entire time of my bleeding i was bleeding heavily enough to fill several pads each day. 

right after i got the IV in, they drew some blood to run more tests, and within an hour the results were in, my level was 6.4, i had dropped half a point in only a week. once people drop under 7, they do blood transfusions. they got my consent, and rolled me into the observation area, so i could sleep after the transfusion was done. once i was out of the hustle and bustle and they got me all hooked up i was finally left alone. and in those moments, i was really lucky that i had sent a text to my boyfriend, trying to portray to him that i was okay, and my boyfriend reached out to me nearly immediately. and, thinking that he didn’t know anything i kept everything very neutral, since we have a understanding between us to not lie to the other. and then after stringing me along for a little while, the little bugger called me, and the first thing he told me was that his parents had told him what was happening nearly an hour beforehand, and he was waiting for me to reach out to him. he spent a whole hour talking to me while he “studied” to help me calm down from the ordeal i was facing alone. and i will forever be grateful to him for that time. 

by the next morning, they took another sample to run, and then we went to try having me walk. i was able to walk all around the wing. i probably walked about 50-75 yards, and it took me about 2 minutes. and i wasn’t panting,  or needing to hold onto stuff or anything. i began to cry because i hadn’t been able to walk that much in over a month. as a second mercy, i was discharged around noon, which happened to be only 10 minutes after my boyfriend had finished his final, and only a few minutes after i left the hospital, i was in his arms in the parking lot outside of the university library where he had his test. he was able to come home with us, and just let me curl up next to him for the rest of the day, and i was able to fall asleep in his arms that night.

i entered the hospital with my levels being 6.4 and i left with my levels being 8.4. 

its been over a month since i was in the hospital, as I've been slowly getting better. i still am weak and get tired easily, but i’m much stronger than i was. 

i did another blood test last week, and my results were that my level was up to 9.3, but my iron levels were a mere 18% as opposed to the normal 35% i’m going to be doing more testing to figure out why i’m not producing as much blood as i need. 

I've also started heavy birth control as a way to stop my heavy bleedings. we still have no idea what is wrong with my body, and because of my fear of needles it makes getting me in to be tested much harder than normal...luckily me and my boyfriend(soon to be fiance) don’t want children, and especially don’t want babies. we both have been taking care of our siblings out entire lives and we want to be able to live for ourselves for a while, and neither of us wasn’t to screw a child up. if we ever decide to change our minds then we can always adopt. or maybe i’ll still be able to have a baby at that point. we don’t know, and as of right now, we aren’t going to be spending a lot of time and energy trying to save my uterus when its very likely that i wont ever want to have children. 

so that’s been my life the past several months. everything’s been chaotic and I've been as weak as a grandma. but i’m getting stronger, and hopefully soon i’ll be able to dance again.

[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

I am a Little

before you jump to any conclusions, please let me explain.

a Little is one half of  CG/L relationship, also known as DD/LG. the abbreviations stand for Caregiver/Little and Daddy Dom/Little Girl.

this is not referring to a relationship between a girl and her biological father, or any other form of insest/pedophilia. this is merely a form of relationship that hinges on the exchange of power, and responsibilities.

i know that sounds a bit confusing and i promise i will explain.

a lot of people love being able to take care of someone. this can be a sibling, children you babysit, your own children, your friend or SO when they’re sick. and many people enjoy not having to worry about the world around us and focus on more mundane things. me and my boyfriend are two such people.

i didn't even realize that i was a little until he pointed it out to me. and when i tell this story to others on the internet they think that he’s forcing it on me. i never even knew about this community before i met him.

the first time i brought him into my dorm room, we were with our mutual friend and my neighbour getting some snacks during a late night video game get together. i was going to run and get some food when our friend mentioned that my dorm room is bigger,(it is nearly twice the size) and i invited them both to see and to pick out food.

i haven't really decorated my room too much, all i've really done is put up some posters of past shows i've been in, some artwork that i’ve gotten at conventions, and a poster of stitch. my bookshelf is full of harry potter and a few other series. i've got a bean bag chair for guests and tubs of food under my bed. on my bed  is a simple blanket and a few stuffed animals that i sleep with. overall i didn't think there was anything too revealing or embarrassing. little did i know exactly how perceptive my soon-to-be-boyfriend was.

he noticed my stuffed animals on my bed, the smaller ones, gifts and childhood mementos on my desk, a large book of fairy tales i had open on my deck. he noticed the childish works of fanart i had up, he noticed the backgrounds on my phone and my laptop, fanart of different childish and “girly” TV shows and movies. and he began to wonder.

later in our relationship, when i would still call him a friend, but before i could see any feelings grow (see my post I am Demi) we would watch movies and assorted youtube videos in my room. he would see my silly little mannerisms, kicking my feet whenever they didn't touch the floor, curling up in a blanket burrito whenever i was cold.hiding my face when i giggled, clutching my stuffie whenever i got scared.

weeks later, after we were a couple, we were up late talking, and we started talking about our biggest secrets, he mentioned to me that he is a “Daddy” although he prefers the term “Caregiver” he told me that he feels happiest when he’s able to give to people and that it gives him a purpose, and he asked if i was a little. i was confused, i knew that i was a sub, and that i liked it when someone else was in charge. he presented all of the little things that i had never noticed before, and i agreed that i would try it, and that if i didn't like it we would stop and never have to talk about it again.

since then he’s been my caregiver. he holds my hand when we’re outside, he holds me when i'm scared, he lets me forget the hard times in the world. and i work to distract him from the world as well, he allows me to explore myself, and figure out how to be happy again.

after a long time of depression, social anxieties, and overall a really bad couple years, i’ve rediscovered happiness in my life. i have been able to find my smile again.

this new community that i’ve been introduced to is welcoming and protective. many times we are shown to be hypersexual (some partnerships are, but many aren't), we get labelled as “disgusting” and “immoral” and “wrong.” this is not how the larger community is. we are a community of love, of silliness, of innocence and comfort.

this is why i am a Little.

[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

I am a stagehand

ever since i was a little girl i’ve been embraced by the world of theatre.

allow me to explain.

in elementary i was fortunate enough to go to a school with a program known as “GTChallenge” short for, Gifted and Talented Challenge. students starting in the third grade could apply for the program and if they had high grades, and two previous teacher recommendations, plus took this strange “creativity/Iq” test they could be chosen to join a small group of students in their grade for extracurricular activities during school hours. every friday for two hours they would meet and do various activities that had to deal with advanced materials. they made sure that each student was able to handle the pressure of missing two hours of class time a week, as well as harder assignments, and it was a very selective group, out of the nearly 120 students per grade, only 15 were selected to join each year, and you had to renew the application each year.

i was able to join this group from 4th grade-6th grade. i had moved to the school in second grade so i needed to wait to get the second teacher's recommendation. that first year in GTChallenge, we spent learning about the founding of the United States, and the US’s early history. it was severely watered down to try and match our age group, but it was still much more advanced than the history we were learning outside of the program anyway.

every year the program does an “exhibition night” so show our parents what we’ve been working on, and to show the school/community why the program should stay. my first year participating in it, my whole class split the emancipation proclamation up into 15 parts, memorized it, then recited it.

i was ecstatic when i found out i was accepted into the 5th/6th year program. they had merged the two groups together for several years and they would learn about shakespeare and would perform a version of his “lighter” plays.

there is no real theatre for nearly an hour around my home, other than the high school productions from the three local high schools. and even then, theatre wasn't really big out there, so this was my first introduction into theatre.

we spent the first part of that year studying Iambic Pentameter, and how the theatre works. then we merged with the older class and began rehearsals for the show. that first year we performed “A Midsummers Nights Tale.” the speaking roles were played by the older class, while we played the ensemble and minor roles.

the next year we performed “Much Ado About Nothing” only this time i got a larger speaking role, and actually ended up playing several characters.

because of our groups size, and the teeny amount of space we had backstage, we didn't have any “tech” people. we were they tech. in my first show i was given responsibilities over props. and spent most of my time next to the light panel and the sound box, following along in the script and making sure everything was running smoothly. my next show i was given that same power.

in my 6th grade year, and last year in elementary school, they decided to have a school-wide show. my little sister actually auditioned and got a part in it, and one day when i came by to fetch her after rehearsal, the director(a teacher i’d had previously) asked me if i could help her figure out how to use the sound box to play the music for the musical. i told her i knew how to do it, and she asked if i wanted to join the production as a technician. i joined right then and there and became the lead tech for the show. i worked with the light tech and a few other stagehands to run the lights, sound, and props. i became addicted to the tech aspect of theatre.

when i moved to jr high, which is only for 7th and 8th grade years in my school district, i signed up for a drama class right away. there i learned more about improv, writing monologues/scenes, and performing contemporary pieces (pieces written after the year 1900, and are more modern in speech and acting styles). however i yearned for the backstage experience, and when the spring show was announced to e Annie Jr, i signed up to be a stagehand. that show i worked to help in any way i could. i arrived early, i stayed late, i put my heart and soul into my work. and it paid off. the next year i auditioned and got a minor role in the fall show “The Stuck Pot” i was dancing and acting onstage, i even had a line, but i was still able to help my stagehand friends.

that spring i was able to participate in the show “Once Upon a Mattress” a princess-and-the-pea based show. when time came for the director to pick technicians for jobs, she offered me the role of assistant stage manager, the number 2 role in the production, and the highest level of power that a student could have. however, she also had a brand new spotlight that she only trusted to three students to touch. i turned down the higher position in favor of working with the spotlight. that show i got to watch the cast perform every night from out makeshift tech booth. (a couple of tables in the back of the room), i knew uring the show that many of my friends were in it, and i enjoyed spending time with them. it wasn't until years later, that i would realize that all of my friends my senior year of high school, and everyone in my theatre class had been in that show. but that's a story for another time.

moving into high school a lot of problems hit, and i wasn't able to do the school shows. then i got my chance my junior year, that fall we did “The Addams Family” musical. and i was able to become a backup tech. my jobs were skewed. i assisted in building/painting/decorating the set, but spent rehearsals and show days in the tech booth, waiting in case someone got hurt or missed a show for some reason, and running things from the 2nd floor booth, all the way around to backstage and back. but  was a tech, and i was still able to be a part of something bigger than myself.

i remained active in theatre that year, but the next time i was able to be a tech was nearly a year later, my senior year we did “Xanadu” and i was a backstage tech, and i was given many large responsibilities, and i enjoyed every second of it. i can remember the dance moves, assisting people in and out or roller skates, and helping them navigate the cluttered backstage safely. i got to lower disco balls from the ceiling and pushed Zeus onstage on a glittering magical throne. i put feathers on large foam wings for a pegasus, and i picked up so much glitter every night that i would sneeze glitter out of my nose, and find glitter in my food at home.

xanadu was the last show that i was solely a tech for. my last show was Beauty and the Beast, performed the spring of my senior year. but that is a story for another day.

theatre is a part of me. the idea that everything you do contributes to a larger picture, and that even though your actions may never be noticed it still has a purpose. that little thing you do with a friend when you are walking across the stage where you rush to each other and give each other a hug  before moving along adds a character to the movement, and even if its never noticed you simply doing that movement makes it seem real.

during Xanadu, during the first scene, the muse Kira decides to go to the mortal world in disguise, while showing her brothers and sisters her discuss at one point everyone does a “oh no where does she go” bit. from my position backstage i saw a friend of mine mess around my looking down her top and then into pockets on her dress. no one else ever noticed that action except me. and when i told her that i loved it, she was astonished and happy that she had made me laugh.

that's what theatre is about. theatre is live, there are no editing crews, no do overs, no “take fives”. everything you see and hear is real. there is no lip syncs (except for EXTREME circumstances, there isn't ever a recording of the singing to begin with) every dance move, and stunt is done with the actor, right there in front of you in character. and if something goes wrong, that just means that you had the privilege of seeing a unique one of a kind show that no one will ever be able to see again. because , once that show is over, it's over.

that is why theatre is part of who i am

[i-am-me-deal-with-it]

I am Demi

let me explain.

i am Demi. meaning that I am both Demisexual, and Demiromantic.

I've heard it said many times that it's hard to realize that you are asexual. and I wholeheartedly agree. Demisexuality is a subset of asexuality. those who identify as demisexual experience little to no sexual attraction, or if they do it's only after a strong emotional bond has formed, such as being friends with someone for a long time, or possibly going through a emotionally bonding experience. demiromantic is the same principle except when it says “sexual attraction” change it to “romantic interest”

it took me months and months and years to realize that I was demi. and even now I look at myself and worry at night that im just broken.

i never had many friends growing up, living in the middle of nowhere utah it is several miles to the nearest person my age/grade, and even then, they were in a different ward than me. out here in utah, the LDS religion is very strong, and it unifies people who live nearest each other, forming a strong tight knit community. sadly because of that, it can be isolating as well. and because I didn't have friends in my ward, it translated into having no friends in school either.

because of this I turned to books, I read several books a week, I didn't watch TV or movies because I would rather read. slowly I found that I enjoyed reading books that were filled with action and adventure, rather than romance. I didn't like reading books where  a major subplot was romance. I would rather the characters be friends for a while, and then slowly I would begin shipping them. I figured this was normal, because it didn't seem right to me that two people could look at each other, and immediately have feelings of lust towards the other person. it seemed irrational to me.

when I got to middle school, and was able to go from a tiny elementary school to a much larger one I finally found some friends who didn't mind that I lived 10 minutes away. in fact their first question to me wasn't “where do you live?” and it wasn't until months later that they learned exactly how far away I lived. but that didn't bother them, these people became my friends and stayed my friends for nearly 6 years now. and during that time I watched my friends develop goo goo eyes for each other, pine away at their crush from a distance, work up the nerve to tell them, go on a few dates, then a messy break up, and the cycle would repeat two weeks later. during that time, I never developed a single crush on anyone. and no one had a crush on me. I shrugged it off if it even got brought up and tried to excuse it away with humour or saying that my time would come eventually. then at night I would lay in bed staring at the ceiling and wonder if I was broken, and if anyone would ever love me.

eventually, someone did. a guy L told me that he loved me, we had been friends for a while and I said that I thought I liked him too. to this day I don't know if I lied back then. the first few months were a blur of us mostly getting to know each other better, hanging out, and him becoming my closest friend. he was okay for me to take things at my own pace, and it was nearly 6 months before I told him that I loved him back. during that time I began to fall for him, and I found that the longer we were apart, the harder it would be for me.i just needed to be close to him. we were together for 3 years. we broke up the summer before my senior year of high school. over the course of our relationship I realized that I stopped calling him “boyfriend” in my mind. he just became L. he had a problem with keeping his room clean at home, and when his parents decided to move he had problems trying to clean his room so they could pack up. so his parents grounded him from me. he could do anything he wanted except spend time with me, hoping that I would be able to whip him into cleaning his room faster. the first weeks were the hardest, then as time went by, I realized that I didn't need him as much anymore. I could handle the distance, and I could handle not seeing him.  after 5 months, I realized that I wasn't in love anymore. and I began to see that I wasn't as in love as I had been those first few months. I convinced his parents to let me see him for a few hours, telling them that I would help them pack. and the two of us talked. he had thought that I was insane. I tried to explain to him how I was feeling, and he told me that he felt as though I had lied to him. I left his house that night in good standing with him and his parents. and drove the 15 min back to my house, feeling just as stable as I had beforehand.

when I told my mom what happened that night, she was full of emotions. she was worried and scared and a bit hysterical. she was afraid of how I was going to feel “once it hits me” that my best friend, and my boyfriend of 3 years was gone.

we waited for the tears to come. we waited for the emotions. they never came.

to this day I haven't cried about it, or had one day that I felt sorry that we broke up. I remember a quote from Peter and the Starcatcher. “it's supposed to hurt, that's how you know it meant something.” I guess it didn't really mean anything.

after that I continued life as normal. and everyone was surprised that I was taking it so well, but as college admissions drew closer and classes began to wrap up, everyone forgot about it. but I didn't.

for weeks I would wonder why I didn't feel anything. why the spark that had grown had faded so suddenly and left me feeling fine.

not knowing what to do I turned to the internet, and learned about asexuality. I realized while reading people descriptions of what asexuality is to them, and what is defined as being asexual, that I was reading a close description of how I felt on a daily basis. I was dumbfounded. however there were a few small parts that didn't fit, namely, that I had found someone that I was romantically attracted to, and eventually I was sexually attracted as well, although those feelings were very weak in comparison to other peoples. that's when I found out about demisexuality and demiromantics. again it felt as though I was reading a description of how I felt. but still I was afraid that I was just broken.

it's been over a year since I found out what demisexual/romantic means. and nearly 10 months since I decided to embrace the term as a way to define me. and yet, I have only “come out” to a small handful of people. my mom, my little sister, my best friend, and my soon-to-be-fiance.

that's right, I've found someone who loves me, and who I love. we met through my next door neighbour. I live in my college’s dorms and my neighbour is a friend from high school, the first day we met we were all talking and joking about flirting and relationships and stuff. my boyfriend, I, said that he was Bisexual, and that he though both me and my (male) friend were pretty cute, I then said, offhandedly, that I was Demi. he gave me a small look, but didn't press questions. I learned later that he didn't know what it meant but didn't want to pry, and after he learned what it was he was sad because he was starting to like me and was scared that I'd never like him back. but he decided that even if he couldn't “pursue me romantically” he could at least be my friend. after a while I realized that I began to fall for him. and when I said so, he was ecstatic. we haven't been apart since, and we hope to get married soon.

he knows that I don't feel romantic/sexual emotions as strongly as he does. he knows that when we kiss, I don't feel the same way he does. to me, a kiss is a lot like holding hands. its sweet because of the meaning behind the gesture, but its just two body parts touching. however I know that to him each kiss means alot, and makes him happy. so I do my best to kiss him as often as I can. many nights I still worry if im broken. I'm scared that he will leave me because a nice conversation gives me more joy and pleasure than a kiss. and when I worry he is there to keep me company, and help me feel whole.

if you ever feel like this. that's okay. you are not broken. you are not worthless. you will find the thing in life that will give you happiness too. it could be a job, a pet, a book or fandom. or it could be a partner. even if you have a romantic/sexual partner that doesn't mean that you aren't Demi anymore. and being demi, isn't all that bad after all.