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i-dontlikeyou · 8 years ago

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June 1, 2017. (Thursday; 2:53 am)

I was ready to be his friend.

I would give anything to have him in my life.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him.. now, later, ever. I’ll just have to move on. But moving on without getting over him is just gonna be so fucking hard- I don’t know if I can do it. Like I don’t know if I can let go. We stopped talking on 21st October and since then, there hasn’t been a day when I don’t think of him. Not a single day. More like since we started talking I haven’t had him off my mind. I mean I’m used to it for two whole years. We started talking on 9th of July, 2015- 10:49 am and boy, since that day, I haven’t not thought of him a single day. Legit A SINGLE DAY. This has been eating me up. I still feel like hitting him up. Like how he snapchatted me and I ignored him, I feel like snapchatting him now- or just hitting him up. But well, obviously he’s gonna go ahead and tell his friends and then let’s not even go there. He hasn’t even been viewing my snapstories lately and THAT EATS ME UP. When am I gonna be done with this? Will I ever be done with this?

-AV

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i-dontlikeyou · 8 years ago

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May 10, 2017 (Saturday) 1:35 am

WHY IS J NOT CALLING ME. When I spoke to him the first two times I didn't miss V. But when I spoke to him the third time, I did. Then V and I spoke the day after and now I'm not replying to him. I think G and V were together when they texted me. They were replying at the same time, well almost. And we were talking about meeting up. He's like I'll get V along too. And yeah well. I still want N. Uggghhh. Fuck J, V (I feel pathetic saying that I'm so sorry) but I'm stupid so yeah. IF I HAD N, I wouldn't fucking care about who's hot and cute and blah blah. I WOULD LOVE N. UGH WHY. I HATE THIS. J HASNT CALLED IDK ABOUT MY EQUATION W V IM STILL GOING THROUGH MY CHAT W N WHILE LISTENING TO WE DONT TALK ANYMORE. God

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i-dontlikeyou · 8 years ago

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May 15, 2017. 4:52 (I time)

I miss N. I really do. I want him. In my life. Rn. I really, really do.

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i-dontlikeyou · 8 years ago

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April 24, 2017. (1:16 am)

Okay, so here it is. I’m over N. Feels great. I mean I don’t know why there’s not a day that passes by and he doesn’t cross my mind. Or forget crossing, I actually think about him. It’s been almost 8 months since we’ve had a conversation over text (obviously bc he didn’t wanna talk, lol. ) and we just had a mini closure- argument a couple of days after his birthday. So technically, seven (ish). ANYWAY, no need to be precise while talking about that asshole. So currently, I like V but only as a friend. Like I WILL be jealous- ish if he hooks up/ starts liking someone else. But I don’t know. I’m not in love. Nor do I have strong feelings for him. After N, I just feel like I’m not ready to be “in love” again. That’s a whole new level, a completely different feeling, an amazing yet quite a hurtful thing, a magical curse, an addictive drug, knowing it’s gonna kill you in the end but not stopping yourself anyway because you’re blinded by the way it makes you feel. He was everything that I wanted at a point in my life, my favourite person. I’d do anything for him, I’d do anything with him- I loved him, I was “in love” with him.

Okay, so enough about him. Not with anyone right now, nor will I even be.

Just me, myself and I.

(1:32 am)

-AV

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i-dontlikeyou · 9 years ago

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AEUKRGHAHLSHGBAEHLJN

JANUARY 8, 2017 (SUNDAY)

I LOVE V.

Actually no lol I don’t. We’re just friends but !!!!!!! uiwHjhvbvzfmbvzdkhbj OHMYGOD HE’S AJSHDKGHFBJ. Like no, okay, so see it’s like he smokes up like every fucking day lol and sounds like he’s dying or whatever but he’s so ashdjfjjknbhdzbhj LIKE UGH I JUST WANNA CUDDLE W HIM RN LIKE RN LIKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW. And just look at him all day and just kiss him and just hold his hand and just cuddle w him and just ughhhh I WANT HIM RIGHT NOW. I mean I remember while going to Singapore, I was talking to him when I was at the airport, when I was in the queue to board the flight, when I was inside the plane. And even after that I was texting him and then he told me some astyjdgskuhfjmgkuh stuff like omgggggg. I wanna squeak. Like when he said those things I was just smiling there in 60 J- middle seat looking like a weirdo I mean I JUST COULDN’T STOP SMILING

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i-dontlikeyou · 9 years ago

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December 5, 2016. (Monday) 3:21 am

I might've said this a million times, but I can't help it. I've tried to think that it's over. I'm over him but I'm not. I wanna put up a story only so that he sees it. I keep checking whether or not he sees it. On snapchat or Instagram, whatever. Like he literally hasn't seen my snapstories for quite sometime now. I can't even see his. He hasn't uploaded anything on snapchat for quite sometime or has he just blocked me from seeing it. His score on snapchat hasn't changed. Or atleast I haven't seen it change. I keep hoping that he's gonna communicate, reach out to me but he won't do that. I can't help but cry. Every fucking time. He has forgotten me. So easily. He has replaced me. Like how can this be so easy for him. It should be me who should move on from him after he's done SO much damage. I keep making up scenarios in my head about how we'll bump into each other or he'll atleast reach out and I'm blowing him off. But it's just how I want it to be. I wish I could be that person. But for now, I'm the stupid one here because he's out there talking to so many girls while I'm still writing about him. What did I do to him? I loved him so much. As a friend before anything else and it was so easy for him to walk away. In fact like he said about hurting his first hookup, he might be feeling so good about hurting me too. How can he be the person I never thought he could be? Why do I still cry everytime when I'm reminded of him and why does everything remind me of him? Spending nights crying over someone who treated me like shit- I should respect myself more. Let's see what happens to that but as of now, I don't know what I'm stuck in the middle of- process of destruction which has been going on since I was gonna board on that plane- or process of healing

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i-dontlikeyou · 9 years ago

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(November 30, 2016. Wednesday. 1:02 am)

Another post and all this time I thought that I was so done with him. Over him. More than a friend or even as a friend. I mean I look at him, I know for a fact that he is not a good person. He’s been such a lowlife- he is. And it disgusts me how I still think about him. I swear I have such a disgusting feeling knowing that I’m still out here writing something including him if not all about him, you never know though, we shall see, when he is fucking around with god knows how many people. Like it’s so hard to het him go, and even harder to let anyone else in. There’s this other guy- V who is a nice guy. But it’s just not the same with him or anyone. I want N. Like I’m so confused. I have so much in my head, all because of N, and after thinking so much, I’ve come to the conclusion that even though all of this is because of N, he is the one I wanna share everything with. Everything, all of this.. everything. I keep telling others that I hope I don’t bump into him when I really hope I do. I won’t- that’s a different thing but, ugh. Like I know I need to stop comparing what we had to what I have with anyone else but no- I can’t not compare- it’s just not possible. I want what I had with N, I want him.

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i-dontlikeyou · 9 years ago

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So here’s the thing. I’ve been trying to get over this guy. As a friend/ more than a friend- I don’t know. I loved him, I love* him.

We confessed our feelings for each other around three weeks-ish before I moved to a new city. A few things happened then which made me question everything once it got over.

Did he just use me? Was he only trying to get physical? I was so confused, I am so confused. I feel like I know him and I know his heart and I know what he wouldn’t do to hurt me. But why would he forcefully give me the option of “meet me or lose me” before moving to a new city? You can ask me to meet you but options? Why would he start liking me that way only when he knew I didn’t have much time left in that city? Because he knew that I’d meet him, he’d get what he wanted and then get away from me because of the distance? Why would he tell his hook up that what we had wasn’t serious or wasn’t a big deal, that too while it was going on? Because it hurt her? He told me that he doesn’t care about her, at all. Why would he say that he loved me once but then not say it again? According to him, he didn’t wanna say “I love you” a lot of times because he said it made him feel more, which I agree, and he didn’t wanna fall in love because the timing wasn’t right. I still took everything his way. I was afraid of losing him. I told him so. He promised me- “pinky promise”

“See I just don’t wanna lose you as a person”

“That’s never happening. Whatever happens between us doesn’t affect our friendship, ever. Pinky Promise”

Minutes before boarding to the new city, I told him that I’ll miss him, that I loved him, a lot.

Online. 8:52pm. No reply.

One more message. 9:04pm. Online. No reply

9:10 pm. I love you. too. I miss you already.

1st sign of ignorance.

“I was on phone via whatsapp. Didn’t see your message” Always acknowledged messages while on phone with me, though.

1st sign of a hundred thousand more excuses to come.

After coming to the new city, I was dying to talk to him. Dying to hear his voice. But it just wasn’t the same anymore. No efforts from his side. It ate me up. He wanted a break for sometime and I was the one consoling him, sending him paragraphs. He said he promised me and he won’t break it. I still trusted him. When I got lucky, we spoke for 17 minutes on the phone. Not once after that did we speak, nor will we speak, ever again. I still continued to text. Trying my best to make him want me in his life- as a friend. I can’t help it. I value people. Other’s don’t- he didn’t. I confronted him, but in vain. Confronting him and at the same time telling him that I will prioritise him. Confronting and comforting him. What did I get? A bunch of excuses. A bunch of lies.

“And I’m telling you to not expect a lot from me coz I can’t give so much. Sorry.”

Still comforted him. Told him it was okay and that I’ll always be there for him.

I was being stupid. I chose him over myself. My self respect.

__

Recollecting what he said when I had this thing going on with some other guy- I told him that I didn’t wanna lose that guy- as a friend and I felt that ending things with him would make me completely lose him. He told me that I’d never lose that guy if he loved me and he would never walk away- no matter what.

If you loved me, why would you not care? How did you walk away as if nothing happened? How was it so was it so easy for you? I was broken into a million pieces, still am. That means, you never loved me. Never did I ever even imagine you to be the person you turned out to be. I was just blinded by your love.

..

I was in tears. I went to bed every night crying, confused, at the same time full of hope because I felt that I could fix everything. How can he not want me in his life anymore? How can he not care? I know him, I know his heart and I know that he loves me, at least as a person, he wouldn’t hurt me intentionally and he would try his best to make sure that I was okay. But he never did. He never even tried asking me how I was actually doing. I felt lonely in a new city, without my family, without my friends.. without him. He couldn’t care less. I had so many emotions inside me I can’t even word them. I wanted everything to go back to normal but it just didn’t. I can’t believe that after so much, I still had hope. I never stopped loving him. Had him on my mind 24x7. I just couldn’t be the person that he was, that he IS- and it breaks my heart to say that.

N, Never have I ever loved someone as much as I loved, love* you. I would give up anything just to have you back in my life again. I think of you and I have a range of emotions inside of me. From happiness and the best feeling ever to loneliness, sadness, emptiness and everything that could make me feel miserable. How could you be so mean, so cold- from the way you’re behaving to the things you said. I just want you to know that this is not me leaving, this is you pushing me away. I would never give up on you, I never did. I don’t know what our future looks like. Most likely, actually no, for sure- we don’t have one and it hurts me. You hurt me.

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i-dontlikeyou · 9 years ago

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