i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I love you mom.

You’re the reason I’m still here.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

Why is everything so fucking hard…. I’m tired.

-i wish i could feel nice by just being alone for ever. Don’t hurt or get hurt. Don’t care or get taken care off. Don’t feel…… i wish i could just be blank. Feel nothing. Just exist. I wish i could be by myself.

Forever lonely.

I hate you. Cause you make me feel scared of being alone and i hate my self for letting me feel. But i was always like this. Feel much, dive in, drown -repeat.

Fuck-

-This.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

Pain.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I’m so lonely… I’ll always be alone… i was accepting that and then u came along and fucked it up… u made me hope again that someone could care for me… and now.. now you’re just disappearing… every day a little more… till the only thing i have are memories of feelings. Feelings i was trying to erase and overcome. I don’t wanna trust anyone ever again. It’s just a never ending cycle of pain. Pain is the only feeling that is not a memory. Pain is real and pain becomes rage. Rage becomes hate. Hate towards my self. I hate my self cause I allowed me to be vulnerable once again. I long for the feeling of love so much that i always forget how it ends and how stupid it is. I’m so fucking naive and i will always be cause deep down im just hurt. I’m filled with hurt. Hurt that becomes rage and then hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

I hate myself and i wanna die. Still… i hate myself and i wish i had the courage to just end it all. Hahahahaha… January 24th was 9 years since this acc was created.. 9 years of hurt… 9 years of hate…. 9 years of hope that always crumbles to dust.

I’ll always hope and that is why I’ll never end it all.

I disgust me…. Even as I’m writing this… im begging for u to love me… that’s the only thing i want really… i just wanna be loved… im so tired of this life… nothing makes sense and it never will… i ready have no idea what im doing and where im going and why im doing anything.. im so fucking tired… I’m tired of thinking… i want my brain to just shut down…. I’m so tired of life. When will it get better? When?

Aaaaaaa fuck this. It all comes back to u. The first person that made me feel. The first person that fucked me up. The first person that manipulated me and forged me into this sad and hurt fucking human being. Everyone after u just helped the pain grow. But you… you started it all… and if I haven’t met u then someone else would have been the start… maybe i would be a bit older tho… maybe i would have been a bit more fucking capable of understanding and moving forward. Maybe if I wasn’t a kid u wouldn’t have fucked me up so much and maybe i would love myself. All of these maybes make me hate u even more. I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. I WISH U A PAINFUL LIFE AND AN EVEN MORE PAINFUL DEATH. I REALLY HOPE U ARE ALONE AND I HOPE YOURE HURTING AS MUCH AS I AM.

I HATE YOU.

BECAUSE OF U I STARTED HATING MY SELF.

You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hate u so fucking much… i wish u never feel at ease again. I wish u all the worst. I don’t know where u are and what you’re doing right now. But hopefully you’re dead. I hope you’re dead so you can never hurt anyone else ever again.

ITS BEEN 9 YEARS….

It’s been 9 years….. you really fucked me up… no one really knows how i feel and no one will ever know…. No one will ever read this. I hate u.

I hate u cause u made me hate myself.

I hate u cause u destroyed me.

I hate u cause i was a kid.

I hate u cause i was never a kid after u.

I hate everything about u.

I hate u.

I hate u.

I hate u.

I hate my life after u.

I hate the choices i made because of u.

I hate how u made me feel.

I hate how u make me feel.

I hate u so much.

The last time we met… i was still a kid.

That kid asked u for one last hug cause even tho u were the most disgusting human being that kid loved u. When I asked u said “id rather not”.

I still remember how that felt.

That’s how i feel right now.

Lost.

U were EVERYTHING to me but “you’d rather not”.

I’ve never written so much about u.

I remember writing u pages of how u made me feel and how happy i was and giving them to u. I remember buying u one flower… i was a kid. I couldn’t afford more that one. I remember that flower man and what he said to me when i didn’t even have enough for one flower… it was a blue rose. It smelled nice…. It was so pretty… u didn’t deserve it. I have never written so much about u.

I guess the feelings just triggered me.

U still make me feel very insecure.

I’ll always hate my self because of u.

I’ll always think about u when im meeting someone new….. that’s happening right now.. hahahaha….

You’re like the monster under my bed… the only difference is that u existed. You hurt me.

You’re still hurting me from time to time.. time like now.

I feel better tho…. After writing all of this… i feel lighter…

I don’t hate myself that much now.

I know I deserve to be free from u.

I deserve to be free and loved and happy but it’s not easy… it’s been a long time… it’s not easy at all…

I hate u…

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I feel homesick for a home i never had.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I feel so lonely.... so lonely...

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

Am i not good enough?

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I feel ok now.

A lot of stress and a lot of lonely days but i feel like it's getting better....

Today i feel okay...

I really hope life keeps getting better n better.

Take care ♥️.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I just want a hug.... I just want a hug....

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I'm still here. I don't know why...

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I can't stop thinking about it.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I can't sleep. My head hurts. I can only think of death. I really wanna do it tonight. I really wanna end it tonight.

I really wanna die tonight.

I really wanna die tonight.

I really wanna kill myself right now.

Hahaha, i really wanna die tonight. I wanna slit my wrists and bleed to death. I fucking hate myself. I hate myself so much. I wanna see my blood hit the floor till my brain shuts down forever. I hate myself. I wish i was never born. I'm disgusting. I'm not worth anything. I fucking hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I want to kill myself. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die.

I really wanna die tonight. I haven't been so tempted for so looooooong. Haha.

My heart likes the thought.

Maybe i should do it tonight. Maybe tonight is the end.

I love it.

Thinking about it makes me feel alive. Hahahaha the irony.

.

.

.

.

I'm not gonna do it tonight but i wish i would.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I wish i was dead.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I wanna die.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I wish i was dead.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

I wanna diiiiiiie but my mom will be so sad... I don't wanna be here anymore. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna live. I'm miserable. I'm tired. I hate this life. I don't wanna be here. Please... I don't wanna be here. Help.

[i-hate-myself-and-i-wanna-die]

You're allowed to feel lonely.

-yy

Text me.