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Forgot to tag it

This is also another piece similar to my project that I felt was intriguing enough to share. 

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endless

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My claim is centered around the topic of incarceration, the severity of it and the money ploy behind it. I have a pretty good idea of where I want it to go, but I am still completely and utterly confused about certain aspects. 

[i-like-my-braids-even-tho-u-dont]

This is also another piece similar to my project that I felt was intriguing enough to share. 

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Writing

I’ve changed my claim four times, but I feel content with my claim as of now. I allowed myself to just write for a while and I came up with some pretty good stuff. I’m trying to understand the criticism aspect a little more and I’ve integrated some of my quotes from the pieces into my writing, but I need further direction. I’m pretty happy with what I’ve gotten done tonight, but I’m also lowkey freaking out about this criticism hooplah.

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Research

Alaya and I are again facing one another, freaking out about this assignment. The research aspect is confusing because the instructions were just a little vague. We have sources, but I’m not sure if my sources really work. We created a claim but no matter how good, or how deep I find it to be, I’m still sitting here struggling to find sources and quotes that back it up! I have to go to bed now because this has stressed me out and I can’t get wrinkles. 

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This research...one of us has to go

so I’m stuck, not confused about this research that needs to be done. I’ve been scouring through pages of Google Scholar trying to find an article to annotate to no avail....pray for me people

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I literally am going in circles-If Beale Street Could sit still

I’ve been struggling for a while, seeing doctors and shit over my stupid issues and it just frustrates me. I mean I open the book get 15-20 pages in and end up in the kitchen boiling water! My process takes ten times longer than I want to because sitting and focusing and being studious like other functioning ass kids my age is not what my mind deems as appropriate! With that being said, I’m enjoying my book, I’m just finding myself frustrated and bored with the process of reading, if that makes sense. I may try the audiobook version of this to mend my issue. Perhaps that would help me to get where I want to get. 

As for a review of what I’ve read, I’m at the part where they’re once again with the lawyers discussing the case with one another. As they’re talking about Ms. Rogers and the possibility of her reconsidering her testimony, they stumble upon the idea that she might have disappeared and of course...in order to mend this issue they’ll need to provide more money. I can’t help but think about mosquitos with ties and a briefcase when reading this. I mean, these lawyers are literally sucking them dry. 

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you can dislike ur face bum

I took this picture and she posted it first. We’re on video chat and I’m about to whoop her booty

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I took this picture and she posted it first. We’re on video chat and I’m about to whoop her booty

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If Beale Street could talk :)

In this part of the book, there was a flashback to months prior, when Fonny was still with his freedom. He’d brought Tish to his house and told her that he wanted to marry her. Other things happened that I refuse to acknowledge because >u<...They confessed their love for one another, with Fonny explaining that although he had a profession that was sure to frustrate him beyond all means, hIs love for her would trump his feelings of vexation. She returned the sentiment, later even telling her father that she would not never say something of the sorts if she didn’t mean it. The morning after their horizontal polka: adventures in sexcapades, Fonny walked her home and actually entered the household. He respectfully approached Tish’s family and apologized for keeping her so late, then told them of his plans to marry her. Well, he asked her father for permission after telling Tish’s sister, and was taken to another room to have a lengthier discussion. Her father asked (while they were all still together) what would Fonny do if he was in his shoes. Fonny said, “I’d ask my daughter. If she tells you she don’t love me, I’ll go away and I won’t never bother you no more”, and Tish’s father did just that. She professed her love for him and her father accepted, pulling Fonny aside to discuss further.

When they returned, Tish’s father held Fonny’s hand and led him to her, grabbing her hand and telling them to take care of each other.

This is such a beautiful section. We have witnessed the trope of an overbearing father who tolerates no nonsense and lives by the book. We’ve seen love stories where one chases after the other and begs and begs while the other wavers until they finally say yes. But this display was incredible, first off we have a father with two beautiful young daughters which already would realistically put him on edge. He wants to protect them, it is his job as their father. But, having known Fonny since he was a young child, he holds a certain level of compassion and understanding towards him. Her mom even remarked a paragraph or two earlier, that he was family and to stop referring to her as “Mrs”. They both understand that even though Fonny is a boy, he has the best intentions for Tish. It is obvious that Tish’s father has good reason to trust Fonny, but it is still refreshing to see the amount of faith he has for the boy, and the love he gives him.

It is also beautiful because it is easier to find literature with a black father figure who embodies all of the negative stereotypes that are cast onto the black community. One who is abusive, or a drunk or doesn’t give or receive affection, or doesn’t regard his wife as a person with value rather than an entity for him to find “pleasure” in, or distant. It is so easy. That’s why this is so refreshing; my own “father thinks affection and any gesture of love is too feminine and wouldn’t allow me to cry growing up. Too many times we are presented with incredibly hyper-masculine behavior in media and literature therefore that turns into the expectation, especially with black men. They have to be hyper-aggressive, they have to be big and assertive. That’s not what you honestly want to experience in a household. The sweetest gesture in the entire section for me was when Fonny got so excited that he kissed Tish’s father and he just reciprocated the love by being encouraging rather than recoiling and being harsh towards Fonny. That was beautiful to me.

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I used to analyze myself down to the last thread, used to compare myself with others, recalled all the smallest glances, smiles and words of those to whom I’d tried to be frank, interpreted everything in a bad light, laughed viciously at my attempts ‘to be like the rest’ –and suddenly, in the midst of my laughing, I’d give way to sadness, fall into ludicrous despondency and once again start the whole process all over again – in short, I went round and round like a squirrel on a wheel.

Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment (via notesfromtheundergroundman)

Hating myself won’t make me a more difficult target for others, it just makes it seem okay for them to do it. 

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Life is Hecking Hard

So I’m reading my story with so much optimism in my heart and out of nowhere, Fonny’s mother starts to trip and curse the baby! I was so shook, even her daughters were like “woah mama, that’s out of pocket”, yet she continued on. She’s known Tish and her family for a while, yet completely lost it and solely blamed Tish for the child that is growing within her. I guess she forgot it takes two to “tango”....Anyways, Fonny’s family was only invited over to celebrate the news of the baby, to come together despite the burning house they were all sitting in with Fonny being in jail after being falsely accused of a crime.

This was me as I realized that the reunion between the families was not, indeed sweet and wholesome...but petty and hilarious. Ol’ Mother Sharon had to be dragged out of the house by her daughters because of the vulgarities flying through the air, assaulting anyone and everyone in the vicinity. 

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I was gonna do a full post, but then my post deleted twice and my computer shutdown so God just wants me to go to sleep.

As I sit here crying over feeling as if I am the biggest, dumbest failure of a bitch on the face of the earth, I find myself gravitating towards my book rather than pushing it away. Previously, I  would’ve allowed my cloudy head to hinder me from finishing my work, but rather than allow this headspace to dictate my next move, I am taking the leap and pouring my time into something productive. Which actually makes me feel better.

I typically come across gems that helped me get my thinking back on track. For instance on page 63, the blurb that contains Mrs. Hunt and Sharon in the kitchen talking about all they’ve been through recently included the phrases, “The Lord sure works in mysterious ways.” and “Now He may try you, but He never leaves you alone”. I find these quotes to be relieving in a way because regardless of what your beliefs are, we can agree that life is trying. It is always throwing a ball straight at our faces to see how quickly we’ll react; it gives us cake wrapped in layers of pain, dirt, shit, failure, and we have to keep peeling until we’ve reached the cake. It tries you and tries you and tries you and tries you, but it will never completely leave you hanging. There is a lesson in everything, you just have to keep peeling back the layers until it makes sense, until you get to the good stuff. Sometimes you have to cry over feeling like you’ll never be enough, but you have to push forward even stronger when you’re done. Read that book until it inspires you enough to get off your ass and make that Tumblr post!

And calculus is the devil’s math so stay away

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If Beale Street Could Talk-Quick note

I was very positively surprised by the relationship Tish has with her parents. When she explained that she was pregnant to her mother, she simply told her that she knew and assured her that she'd be fine. All the while, Tish was panicking and expecting the worst to come. Her mom told her to lie down so that she could gather herself, then her father came home. Before he allowed himself to relax after his long day of work, he asked about the lawyers for Fonny’s case, trying to make sure he would be exonerated. The dynamic between these family members (especially the mom and surprisingly the father) is so pure, especially because it is always expected of the dad to hate the boyfriend or to be emotionally distant, but there he was doing all he could to be an aid in procuring justice for Fonny. This part had my heart palpitating, wondering how her parents were gonna respond because these situations don't always end up like this. Upon receiving news of this proportion, parents may isolate their children or kick them out or threaten them, but they were just supportive. Her father was not even fazed!!! So far, the representation of these characters has been very positive and I have a lot of respect for Baldwin as a writer because it is incredibly easy to fall into stereotypes.

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If Beale Street Could Talk- #1

My book finally came! 

The story wastes absolutely no time getting started. Immediately, we meet our two main Characters, Clementine and Alonzo, then learn about what appears to be the big predicament. Alonzo (Fonny) is in jail for a crime that he did not commit and Clementine (Tish) is pregnant with his child. Their relationship is very strong, even in the beginning I can see this. Tish and Fonny have good relationships with each other's families, which will be useful because they know his character. Once he’s released, it’ll be good to have that solid relationship with her family so that they won’t harbor any negative feelings about their relationship due to their perception of his character. 

So far, this book is incredibly fascinating, and I respect the way he’s building the characters up and not holding back. This move alone speaks to the intensity of the book or at least indicates the direction it may be headed in.

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IF BEALE STREET COULD TALK

I chose this book after a discussion with Mr. Kreinbring, I was having difficulty finding a book amidst all the tasks I was expected to finish. I’d been seeing the advertisements for the film “If Beale Street Could Talk”, and I’m quite interested in viewing it when I finish the book. My grandmother expressed a lot of interest in the movie and both of us are fond of the works of James Baldwin, therefore this was a clear choice. This was recommended to me by Mr. Kreinbring as I was not aware that it was a book and as stated before, I had only expressed interest in seeing the movie, so this was a delightful surprise. 

I am actually genuinely excited to read this book, the premise is something I find incredibly interesting and I’m left wanting more. I’m also super excited because this is said to portray black love in a positive, uplifting light, which is surprisingly (not really) a rare sight to see. I was also reading the Amazon reviews, which praised the book for the gripping emotional aspect it possesses, and I can truly say I am looking forward to obtaining and reading this promising piece of literature!