i-need-bitches-help - Tumblr blog

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Kiss me, and I’ll cut your fucking tongue out

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I mean sure I watch buzzfeed unsolved but mainly because I think it’s the funniest fucking thing on the entire planet that it’s these two mediocre, over dramatic American morons go to these terrifying places and just sort of stand there and do absolutely nothing, stick some fun graphics in between shots, out loud ask if there are any ghosts here with barely any more investigation and then just….leave, and the fan base has somehow decided that Shane Madej, a buzzfeed employee, is a whole demon.

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My upstairs neighbor is having really loud sex at 10:25am. And, while this feels like retaliation, I can only hope it mellows her out and she stops stomping around all the goddamn time

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a kickstarter for Cards Against Humanity - John Mulaney extension pack

Black Cards:

Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell ___.

I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I am ___.

I’ll keep ___ right here and then one day I’ll die.

Buy ___. Engraved, question mark?

There’s ___ loose in a hospital.

This is ___. Could be a nursery.

I gave you ___ and you gave me ___ and then we called it a day.

Because we’re ___ and life is a fucking nightmare.

My wife is ___ and I like her so much.

I’m very gay. I’d like ___.

The bread of God is ___. He will bring us ___.

Is it ___ or is it ___? That’s up to ye.

College is just ___ and they’re like, “Partial credit,” and that’s like the whole thing.

___ might as well happen. Adult life is already so goddamn weird.

White Cards:

A sea of drunken toddlers

7 What’s New Pussycats followed by 1 It’s Not Unusual

A hundred year-old blind dog who’s texting and driving while drinking a smoothie

A 28-year-old healthy man trying his best

One black coffee

Playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles

[sustained groaning] yknow, life?

STREET SMARTS!

The moral backbone of a chocolate eclair

One word at a time with verbal abuse

Snorting cocaine the night before college graduation

A hundred and twenty thousand (120,000) dollars

Being so horny and angry all the time and having no outlet for it

A tall child

A high-waisted man with feminine hips

Delta Airlines

Anyone who has seen my dick and met my parents

Going down on some rocking twink

An on fire garbage can

Doing white people stuff in Connecticut

One pre-Y2K asshole

Our nation’s No Snitchin’ policy

Such 19-year-old horseshit

Throwing pedophiles off their rhythms

Probably HPV. Probably.

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Calum Hood swings left

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my friend angella was doing a comedy gig, and as soon as she came out a guy shouted ‘can i give you my number?’ and all the crowd groaned cause it was so inappropriate but angella was like ‘yeah sure’. the guy started shouting out his number and she started entering it into her phone. the whole crowd was like woaaah. she got the whole number and then dialled it and it rang. everyone lost their shit. finally the guy answered and angella just said “hello? shut the fuck up” and it was the most incredible thing i’ve ever seen 

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A blessed moment. 

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It’s true though.

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repeat after me: fuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaat

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What you upload vs. what your mom tags you in 😂

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Michael: “This is from lustyluke” Luke: *DOES THAT*