i-saysomething

[i-saysomething]

I’m posting this here as a reminder of a day that a lot can change for me. I’m posting this here to remind myself that it doesn’t matter how this goes, I should be proud of who I am and how much I have learned. I have been working hard for years to become what I am, to get better in everything that I try. I know I’m not always the best or try the hardest everytime but giving the effort to try and change is enough for me. I shouldn’t feel guilty about  my choices, I shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting more. I do what I can with the knowledge that I have. And I know that everything will turn out just fine.  LN

[i-saysomething]

talk so pretty but your heart got teeth

[i-saysomething]

I’ve always wished I was the kind of girl people wrote songs or movies about, but maybe I’m the girl that watches and is able to put feelings, emotions and situations into words. I like to think that is just as good. Someone has to tell the stories, right? Someone has to be observant enough to see more than others. No one talks about people who are not very memorable. People don’t actually pay attention to average stuff, average people. There’s only the high and the low, but what we don’t realize is that most of life is lived in the in between. I like to see the world as more than black and white, right or wrong, yes or no, high and lows. Being extreme can be extremely dangerous, for people or ideologies. People say I don’t talk much, that I’m usually very quiet. I’ve always understood why, and as everything in life, I don’t think there’s just one reason. Maybe it’s because I see that people love to talk about themselves and their life, so I just let them. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing. Or most of the time. it’s because I just don’t know what to say or how to respond. I know exactly what I think, I’ve always had an opinion about literally everything. But I don’t think people will understand me or what I have to say. So I stay quiet, and wait for those rare moments that I know exactly what to say. 

[i-saysomething]

[i-saysomething]

folklore.

[i-saysomething]

Hey, it’s been a while and things are dramatically different. I’m dramatically different. More than two months have passed and I’ve been sad and discouraged most days. Work has been taking little pieces off of me every day and I don’t know how much longer I can take. I don’t wish on my worst enemy the things that I am going through. I think I’m in a depression but I don’t know who to talk to so I’m here, talking to no one on a blog that no one will ever see. Maybe I’ll heal myself with words and with being honest with at least myself. The one good thing that’s been happening is that I have been working out and eating better. I’m not eating candy, or drinking soda. I’ve stopped eating fried things. I’ve even stopped drinking. I lost 1kg already and that’s something for me. I got part of my leg tattoo done and that helps me feel better too. I really want to get back to my life but I don’t know if I’ll know how to act normal. I can hide how I feel now because I spend most of my time in my bedroom alone. But as soon as I start seeing people regularly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to hide my sadness and anxiety. On Saturday I’m breaking my quarantine to see Isa and Fê. I need to be around them. They make me feel safe and wanted and not like a burden. I had a terrible crisis last Friday because I saw a bunch of friends of mine together and I realized that everyone is breaking quarantine, I’m just not being invited. I’m not a part of the people they miss so much they have to break quarantine to see. It’s the same feeling as always, of thinking I consider them friends while they consider me as a colleague. I always had this feeling of never belonging to people or places. It’s so unbelievably hard for me to trust people and accept them. The only person I trust everything is Felipe. With the rest I always feel afraid and cautious to say things because I know that if comes for them to choose between me and someone else, I won’t be chosen. Fê told me about a college in California, that his friend studies at. She took a test after studying for a year and got a full scholarship. Me and him are planning to apply to it so we can go on 20222. I’m thinking about starting to save money for it and to study. I’m graduating at college this year and maybe I’ll get a second degree there. And because of my distrust in people, I don’t want to tell anyone about it because I think people might want to take it away from me or put bad energy on it. I’ll try to keep writing again, I think it can help me overcome all of this. LN

[i-saysomething]

living in the garden of evil.

[i-saysomething]

If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.

— Virginia Woolf

[i-saysomething]

Diary Day 27

Hey, it’s April 16th.           It’s the twenty seventh day of quarantine for me. I woke up late for work again and I’m starting to wonder how I will handle this when I have to work 8 hours a day again. But I still won’t have to wake up early. I’m 100% not a morning person. I’ll have to leave my quarantine on Wednesday to go to the school to do some things. But after that god knows how long I’ll stay at home again.             My friends want to do one of those makeover challenges and I agreed to it. So tomorrow after work or during work I’ll record the first part, then I’ll dye my hair to look prettier to record the second part of the video on Saturday. At least with makeup I look as good as the girls and I think I won’t feel like crap doing this. I put on some makeup today just to remember how to do it and I felt really pretty. I worked out today too but couldn’t finish the exercise because I got tired. I’ll do more tomorrow.                 I’ve been reading the book I said arrived a few days ago and it talked about how orgasms work differently for men and women. She says the women have the pleasure right then and there but men have the pleasure on the next day while telling their friends about it. That’s a funny way to look at things.         On that note, Felipe and I were on a stupid quest today and he was talking to this boy I kissed once that I would kiss him again (but it wasn’t true) and the boy said that he wouldn’t do anything about it because I had a thing with one of his friends. I actually did have a thing with one of his friends but I think this guy has a completely different view from mine, about what we had. To me, we just hooked up one time and kissed in random parties once in a while but we never had a relationship. To me, it was just a fling or just a few random meaningless kisses but maybe to him it was something else? Why would his friends think I had something with him when it was clearly nothing? Men are funny and love to interpret the things as they please, always in a version that they look better.   It’s weird how a situation can have two completely different perspectives and maybe none of them are wrong. Maybe it’s just the way you interpret it with the information and belief you have at the moment. I think most of the time I’m very numb to people’s feelings and how they might feel about me. I always thought I could tell when somebody liked me but maybe I just pay attention to what I want to see.           I can’t wait for to be tomorrow night and I won’t have to work for two full days. Weekends were good before because it meant that I didn’t have to go to work and I could have fun or just to stay at home. But now it means I don’t have to think about work and that’s bloody amazing.               I haven’t been writing my fanfic these days, I don’t know where to take the story and I feel a bit lazy to do it. My obsessions with things come and go very easily and I’m never obsessed about two things at once. Maybe when I finish Peaky Blinders I’ll go back to my story. I’m always all or nothing. Either I’m obsessed with it or I don’t care at all. I’m like that about everything in my life. Sometimes that’s a quality but most of the time is a burden. About the virus, the news has been the same. Lots of deaths and lots of people confirming they have it. Our Minister of Health got fired today and he was one of the only people in the government actually doing something for the people so we’re all fucked now. I just want to get out of this soon.           “Why do I feel like I’m drowning? Like I’m running out of air. Why do I feel like I’m falling? When I’m nowhere near the edge. Just let me know, can you be the one to hold and not let me go? I need to know, could you be the one to call when I lose control?”   Lose Control – MEDUZA feat. Becky Hill, Goodboys

LN

[i-saysomething]

Diary Day 26

Hey, it’s April 15th.           It’s the twenty sixth day of quarantine for me. Work wasn’t stressful and everything went as it should. Another week is almost over and time is going by really fast. I’ve been working fewer hours than I should because I get up late and I leave early to work out. I can’t stand to stay in front of my computer for too long while doing something I don’t enjoy, I can’t wait to come back to giving classes and hoping that everything will turn out just fine and I won’t hate my job as much as I do now.               Today the books I ordered came. They are about love and how romantic human relations have changed as time passed. The book says that in the Neanderthals days man weren’t even aware that they were part of the process of birthing a child, they thought it was magic and that women were completely responsible of it. This is probably where things started to go south for women. Seems like an interesting book and I’m looking forward to reading it.  Fê is giving me an Art History book and I’m really happy about it. I can start my collection and start studying more about Art.             The only productive thing I did today was watch Peaky Blinders and I’m obsessed with this show. I think my accent is starting to change because of the way they speak. I’ve always wanted a British accent so I’ll go with Birmingham one then.    It at least distracts me a lot from everything that’s going on.   I was talking to Fê about Leo again and I have this feeling that people know something I don’t and no one will tell me. It’s common knowledge that they all have talked about before or it’s something so completely obvious to everyone but me. I don’t talk about my feelings to other people because I don’t trust them. I don’t trust them to talk to me and keep my secret. I always think that they will talk about it with someone else, which they will because that’s what people do. But I know in my heart that everybody know something about it and I don’t. It pisses me off more than I can say but I know that I’ll find out even if no one tells me directly. I think I can read people very well and understand their personas and how they like to portray themselves to people. That’s why I know when people are lying or hiding something from me.                 I’ve been wondering about things I want to do after quarantine ends. I realized I don’t ever visit museums and I live in a city full of art. I never go to different places. I’m always going to the same few ones to be with the same people. I promise myself that when things get back to normal I’ll visit those places, alone or with company. I like doing things alone; it gives me space to think. I’ll try to eat in different places, visit the touristic points of my city. Right now I know how important it is to be outside and how simple it is. When I get to do this, I’ll be grateful, Grateful for all the little things I took for granted.             It’s hard to get perspective like this and I think that’s probably the only good thing this virus has giving us. It gave us perspective to see how privileged we are to have so much and to see that everything can change, doesn’t matter who you are or what status you have.             I hope to wake up to good news; I hope to be out soon.             “We’ll be a fine line, we’ll be alright.”     Fine Line – Harry Styles                 LN

[i-saysomething]

Diary Day 25

Hey, it’s April 14th.           It’s the twenty fifth day of quarantine for me and it feels like a lot to say that I haven’t seen my friends, my brother, my sister-in-law, my nephew and my grandma in 25 days. It’s too long and I know it will be longer. Things are not looking good and there are people saying that we have two more months of quarantine ahead. I really hope not because I can’t take another month of this. Today there have been 200 reported deaths in Brasil. The biggest number we’ve had.     Today I woke up nearly at the time I was supposed to start working and I almost didn’t get up. Like, what are the criteria for calling in sick in home office? I wasn’t sick and I don’t want to be but man, I just didn’t want to work. I had a two hour meeting with all the coordinators, two fucking hours on Skype and the bitch from the HR pissing me off on the phone so I didn’t pay attention to the most important parts of the meeting. Tomorrow there will be more and more interviews and I can’t stand them anymore.         Today I did a full yoga session in my bedroom and it’s nice but I need to have more physical preparation because my back hurts a lot. I feel I’m losing weight and I think my body is coming back to what once was. My hair is getting so big and my natural hair color is showing already. I’ve been trying to get it as healthy as I can because next month I plan to straighten it again and I’ll still let it grow more. I feel good with long hair; I feel that I can hide in it.         Things at home were ok today, not anything big going on. Yesterday I talked until late with Fê about boys and sex. It’s funny how I feel completely comfortable with him and I can say literally anything. He believes I should tell Leo how I feel and his gut says I should because it thinks that he might feel something for me. Fê is the only person who thinks that but then again he’s the only person I talk about my feelings for Leo. I’ve been dreaming about him nearly every day, which is weird. The dreams are getting weirder and weirder. I didn’t write anything on my fanfic today. I’m not feeling creative and I still have to think about where I want to take the story too. Every time I read it I think it’s the kind of fanfiction I like to read and I hope it stays like that. I would love to write an actual novel one day. Maybe I can write something involving art and history like Julieta or Dan Brown’s books that I love. I still waiting for the books that I ordered last week, they’re about love and how love was seen and constructed throughout history and how women were seen in it. Sounds really interesting and there’s two volumes. I hope it gets to me soon.             Speaking of volume, today I was listening to sunflower vol.6 by Harry and I don’t understand the feeling this song causes me. I can’t tell if it’s good or if it’s sad. I feel nostalgic about this song even if it has been released a few months ago. I think that many years from now I’ll listen to this song and I’ll feel the same way I feel today. I get the image of me driving in a car with a smile on my face and I’m in a road in a mountain but it’s next to the beach. In that, I feel nostalgic too but I think there’s happiness in it. Maybe that’s a premonition of the future I might have.                 I know deep down to my bones that I’m not supposed to stay in Brasil. I know I don’t belong here and that my future and life is elsewhere. There’s no other explanation because I’ve felt this forever. Maybe that’s why I could always speak English because my mind and body know I don’t belong here anyways. I pray that after this all ends I’ll be able to find the place where I long to be, the place where I truly belong.           “Sunflower, my eyes want you more than a melody. Let me inside, wish I could get to know you. Sunflower, sometimes keep it sweet in your memory. I was just tongue-tied.”                 Sunflower Vol.6 – Harry Styles

LN

[i-saysomething]

“May you see sunshine where others see shadows, and opportunities where others see obstacles.”

[i-saysomething]

Diary Day 24

Hey, it’s April 13th.         It’s the twenty fourth day of quarantine for me and apparently is just for me. I went to the market today to get some money I owed my dad and it was fucking crowded. It’s frustrating to feel that I’m the only one not leaving my house and not living my life. Authorities are saying that for things to get better social isolation needs to be 70% and we’re barely at 59%. We are never leaving the quarantine.         Work was pretty much the same, I’m still not very fond of the idea of online classes but it’s the only way to do it. We’ll have more tests and more meetings tomorrow to understand how everything is going to happen and take place. I’m worried about people not having good equipment to watch these classes but those decisions are not up to me.             I wrote only a page of my story today because I got to it pretty late and wasn’t feeling very creative but it’s turning out okay. I finally did my nails today, they were awful and I cut them all because one of them broke while I was trying to not let my mom and dad beat each other up.   They’ve only argued today, but things are difficult to deal. I talked to my older brother to see if he could help but this situation it’s not up to us.  There are so many bad feelings rolling around that it’s hard to stay positive. Today is going to be the shortest ever because I don’t have the energy to write more. I checked the number of deaths and only in São Paulo there are 600. Brasil is over two thousand. But the number of cured people is over 100 thousand, so there is hope after all. I need things to hold onto.       OH MY GOD, how could I forget to talk about the most important thing that has happened? One Direction might be having a reunion for their 10th anniversary and if that is actually true then I don’t need anything else to be happy. I miss them so much.   “Although I am broken, my heart is untamed still.”         Story of My Life – One Direction LN

[i-saysomething]

Diary Day 23

Hey, it’s April 12th.         It’s the twenty third day of quarantine for me and it’s been getting harder and harder to stay in, but I know I’m privileged to be able to stay at home so I’m trying to not complain.  Things at home got as bad as they could. Mom and Dad fought again and for the millionth time I got caught in the middle. When I say in the middle, I mean literally in the middle trying to stop them from physically hurting themselves and hurting myself in the way, physically and emotionally. I just don’t see a way out of this but I decided I won’t get between them anymore. They’re both grown adults and they need to learn how to handle their own problems without bringing me in. I’m the child; I don’t have to deal with this bullshit.                 On other news, I started to write a fanfic. I actually like the way it’s getting and it’s so good to write. I feel creative and happy that I’m spending my time on something fun. It has already 3 chapters, and over 4 thousand words. It’s about 5sos and me. I’ll never let anyone read but I enjoy doing for myself.             I had another crazy dream about Leo. Again we were travelling and we were a couple but this time we were in a big hotel. He was shirtless again and I was wearing a black bikini and a jeans skirt. I gave him a kiss and he said he would wait for me in the lobby. I went up to our room and it wasn’t like a hotel room. It looked like a room from the building I used to live in and there were so many numbers there. I was able to remember a sign with 124 written on it and a year I think 2328, and there’s was a picture of an old Corinthians’ team from 1970, but we didn’t win anything that year. We only got back to winning championships in 1977. But that’s all I remember.       Work starts back tomorrow and I’m already dreading that. Friday was a holiday and today is Easter but my family didn’t celebrate anything given the situation we’re in. Next week there’s another holiday so I’ll be looking forward to it just because it means I don’t have to work. Quarantine is supposed to last until April 22nd but it seems we’ll be staying longer. It’s scary not to have any certainty. But that’s the reality we’re living in.           Yesterday I didn’t leave my room for nothing other than eating and going to the bathroom. I really didn’t have the energy to interact with my family and it’s getting worse because of what’s been happening to my mom and dad. I used to sleep with all kinds of noises around me, nothing in the world could wake me up but nowadays any kind of sound keeps me up and that trauma is because of my parents fighting.       Today I decided to rearrange my Spotify playlists so I can’t wait to go to bed to listen to some music and try t relax while the world is silent. At least it will stay like that for a few hours until everyone wakes up. I don’t have any news about the virus because I haven’t read anything about it. I know the number of deaths is over one thousand but that’s it. I’m longing for the day I get the news that everything is okay again, and I don’t mean that just about the virus.               “Mas tem que ser assim, pra ser de coração. Não diga não precisa. Tem que ser assim, é seu meu coração, Não diga não precisa.”               Paula Fernandes e Victor&Leo.               LN

[i-saysomething]

Diary Day 19

Hey, it’s April 8th.           It’s the nineteenth day of quarantine for me and it was a stressful day, and the only reason that has been causing me stress is work. Today they decided to simply tell on a TEXT MESSAGE that my assistants were going to have their contract temporarily suspended, I didn’t even know about it. So both of my assistants and the lady who cleans the school came rushing to me completely desperate asking if they have lost their jobs. I literally cried of anger because they completely lack the touch to tell people news in such a delicate time we’re all living. And then the bitch of the HR decided to call me out in middle of a meeting with the owner of the school. Honestly, it’s just contributing to the feeling that I need to leave my job. I need something new. I’ll hold on until everything passes and I’ll start looking for a new job. Quarantine is helping me realized that the biggest cause of my stress and anxiety is my job, and also that I don’t do anything but work. I don’t have time to spend with my family, or to do something for me. I’ve completely let go of university because I don’t have the time to pay attention to it. I haven’t been reading books, or watching movies or series. My whole life is devoted to work and if it’s not making me happy, it’s utterly unhealthy. I hope I see a light in the end of the tunnel and a new direction for me.         Today I bought a mat for yoga, an electric drying hairbrush, a coloring lotion for my hair and two books. I feel bad about it because now it’s not the time to buy unnecessary things but I did it anyway. I still have enough money to pay my credit card and to help my family at home. So I think it will be okay. My dad has been selling well in the past few days, not as well as he could if this whole crisis wasn’t happening, but still well. We’ll be able to survive the rest of the month.                 I totally forgot that Easter is this weekend and that Friday is a holiday and I don’t have to work. So that’s good news. I wish it was a normal weekend because I would be probably going on a trip, to the beach or anywhere else. But I’ll probably sleep through the weekend and do absolutely nothing relevant, unless I get the courage to read a book.  I really miss putting on makeup and getting dressed up to go out. I think my skin probably loves that I haven’t put on makeup in almost 20 days. I really want to get my nails done because they’re looking horrible. My nails are the only thing Leo has ever openly complimented me about. That’s very sad to say but it’s true.   Last night I dreamed I was with Isac, the boy from my Spanish class. I think he fancies me and he’s sort of cute, very smart too. He’s already a man, he’s financially well in life. He has a consolidated career, has basically a farm in the countryside that he is building himself. Like a real life Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. I could 100% go for him but he’s the kind of guy that I would have to classy and elegant and adult all the time. I know I’m not ready for that and I don’t want to be that because that’s not me.     The number of deaths is 800. It grew tremendously since yesterday and the number of confirmed cases is over 15.000. João said today that he thinks he has the virus and that is worrying me a lot. I hope he feels well soon. I think they should talk about the number of people who have gotten better from the virus. It would be good to give hope to the people.                 “Permita que eu fale não as minhas cicatrizes. Elas são coadjuvantes, no melhor figurante e nem deviam estar aqui. Tenho sangrado demais, tenho chorado pra cachorro. Ano passado eu morri, mas esse ano eu não morro.”                 AmarElo – Emicida feat. Majur e Pablo Vittar   LN

[i-saysomething]

I wept for Carrie Fisher’s death in December 2016. But she went out in glorious fashion, tbh:  She avoided a Trump presidency, and corona and got to brag about how she slept with a youthful Harrison Ford. She had a lovely daughter. Also, a lot of drugs.”

Is this really a tragic ending for someone?

No. Not at all.

I think she had problems but enjoyed immensely  herself too.

[i-saysomething]

Diary Day 18

Hey, it’s April 7th.             It’s the eighteenth day of quarantine for me and it was a normal day, as it can be. I woke up late as usual, worked for only 4 hours, no overtime today. I did my work out, two days in a row. I’m feeling sore but it’s the good sore. Then I took a shower, watched some TV, ate dinner, and watched a movie and now I’m here writing. I was actually already lying down on my bed but my laptop turned on completely out of the blue so I took it as the clue that I needed to write.               I wrote yesterday about the weird dream I had of the date that is coming up, so as mentioned before I have weird dreams and I like to talk about them to understand their meaning. Last night I dreamed about Leo. In my dream we were in a beach house together, we were lying down on a mattress in the living room. (Yes, he was shirtless) I got up because I had to get something on the street so I left him there sleeping. When I was walking I felt something calling me to this specific place and when I got in I felt something terrible and ran back to Leo. When I got to the house he was still on the mattress but I screamed and tried to wake him up, he woke up but he was not him. But I kept on screaming his name, and then I don’t remember what happened after. I woke up and I kept thinking about him all day. Every time I get a little bit further from what I feel about him, something happens and I’m back at it again.           The other dream I had was that I was in Daniel’s car with him and we were arguing about something, like we usually are when we see each other. It was about something important but I don’t remember the conversation at all. But I felt angry, like I usually get about him. I talked to Fê about both dreams and he interpreted as, I’m gonna quote him, “I think it’s about how you feel about both of them and how you think that if you have one you can’t have the other.” I absolutely hate him for being so right. I know exactly how I feel about Leo, but I never had anything with him. It’s completely one-sided. But I know it’s a strong ass feeling. What I feel about Dani is that it would feel amazing and explosive and nerve-wracking and exciting to be with him because that is what he causes on me, and he has actually wanted me, in a way that Leo has never wanted or will ever want. At the end of the day, I don’t have either and neither of them have reciprocal feelings for me.               From those dreams I woke up with the same feeling they cause me. With Leo, I woke up feeling something good despite being a bad dream, even though what I feel about him is usually good it also has a frustrating side of it. With Dani, I woke up angry and eager for something. That’s exactly what I feel about him, pure anger but with something intriguing.   To change and end the subject, the number of deaths has gone up to 667, 114 death in 24 hours and 1.660 new cases in 24 hours. We’re supposed to spend another 15 days in lockdown and I really hope it works. It’s getting more and more difficult to be away from people and from a “normal” life.       “Eu só quero estar no seu pensamento, dentro dos teus sonhos e no teu olhar. Tenho que te amar só no meu silêncio, num só pedacinho de mim. Eu daria tudo pra tocar você, tudo para te amar uma vez. Já me conformei, vivo de imaginação. Só não posso mais esconder, que eu tenho inveja do sol que pode te aquecer. Que eu tenho inveja do vento que te toca. Tenho ciúme de quem pode amar você, quem pode ter você pra sempre.”       Você Pra Sempre – Sandy & Junior LN