i-truly-dont-know-anymore

[i-truly-dont-know-anymore]

    Dear Sister,

I can’t lie, it’s been hard sis. Really hard. I wish I was handling it as well as some of the others. I’m a little teary eye as I write this, like I said it’s hard. First I have to catch you up. Let’s start with P****! I swear she’s about to walk, it’s crazy. She’s almost talking, oh how you’d laugh, she’s almost says ‘damn gina!’ haha, that’s thanks to T***. She says hey by the way, she loves and misses you. D** got a PS3 for Christmas, he was so happy man, his smile was crazy. He was so excited. A******* actually for 1 got us all(Me, B**, and M***) luffas haha, it was great. But she also straight up got a box of rocks. M*** said her grandma would’ve loved it so I really couldn’t say anything but damn was it funny to me. B** got some clothes and some other cool stuff. He’s working in the back now. Yea haha that’s right he’s cooking all the chicken when he works. He loves it. He said he likes it more than the front of house but who doesn’t right? He misses you a shit ton. I think he might be doing the best though honestly. You know how he is, even though he’s young and acts young he has a very adult oriented mind set. He might be going to collage out in Cali though! He’s filling out some paperwork for a trip out to see it and shit. I’m really proud of him, I know you are too.

M*** and K**** are doing ok. They are having some rough patches here and there but I think they are ok. I know it M*** hard. When he cried, I felt it in my stomach and I hated it. It’s only natural I suppose. He’s gunna be ok I know it. He’s got big plans. I can’t wait to see him there. He loves you like crazy and misses you like a motherfucker. K**** too, you were her sister too.

Mom and Dad really got hit too sis. Although I know you know that. Dad cried when it was all said and done. He was standing at the bottom of the kitchen stairs, looking out the window, and he started with a few but couldn’t hold it. I understood. Even though in all my life I never had seen Dad cry I understood. I walked over to him and held him. I have to tell you it was strange to hold him like that. I was comforting Dad and holding him in the kitchen crying on my shoulder. Fucking harsh man. I held Mom a lot too. She just stepped down as children's director, she’s been distracted but she’s getting there. I think it’s just gunna take longer with her, same with Dad.

The holiday’s were pretty ok, but it was obvious that you were gone.

Oh! I almost forgot!

J*** came out. Like out here! I couldn’t fucking believe it. Good job sis. No fighting, everything was pretty peaceful.

Now it’s January and your birthday is right around the corner. I’ll live it up out here for ya, or at least try.

I got to be real with you sis. I’ve been strong for them. Everyone has much as I can be at least. I’ve talked to so many people and helped them. But to tell all, I’ve been fucked.

I’m stressed, and lack so many emotions. My regular depression got so much worse sis. You knew where I was at, you were the only one really, I’m crushed beyond belief. I fucking miss you so much sis, like fuck. I keep waiting for your texts telling me to unlock the doors for you or not lock them for you. The first whole month I always unlocked them for you. Just in case you came back. I miss those texts, I miss seeing you around the house. I miss picking you up from **, I miss everything sis. I want to cry every day but can’t. I can;’t stop myself from the what ifs and what I could have done. No matter how hard I try. I lay up at night wishing I would have come up to talk to you. Talked to you more when I picked you up. After you went up stairs, after I said, ‘yea for sho, see ya in the morning’. J*** came over and we sat in the man cave, B** and I were making jokes and we all laughed. Boom boom BOOM, 30 minutes later Boom boom BOOM until 8ish 9.

It was so FUCKING normal that we joked about it. I wish I didn’t have to deal with that Sunday. It was the longest Sunday of my life. I wish I  

I know it was an accident, I know. I know you didn’t want this to happen.

But it did. I really do hope you’re happy sis, I really do meant it. I hope you found what you wanted and I hope you’ll wait for me. Sis I fucking miss you so much every single minute. I want to cry so hard but my tear ducts stay dry no matter what or what I try.

There or so many firsts we aren’t gunna get, Dad said something like that in his speech. But I won’t be able to Tell you about Cali or what I’m doing. I won’t be able to walk on my first beach with you, while you tell me why the Jersey Shore is better. I won’t be able to laugh at that.

    Truthfully I don’t know if I’m mad, sad, pissed, hurt, or anything. I feel numb to it. All I know is I fucking miss you. SO much.

I don’t know if I’ll write you another letter, seeing as how you’ll never read this. I wish you didn’t die sis. I wish I would have said something while you were alive but none of us thought it would happen. You even told K**** you didn’t want to die when she told you she was worried. I wish I was a better younger brother to you. I wish we talked more than we did. I wish so many fucking sis. I wish you knew how much you meant to me and how much I loved you before you O.Ded. But you’ll never know. I wish we didn’t find you on the your bedroom floor. I wish you weren’t so pale when I saw you. I hope your final dream was a nice one. At least those pills put you to sleep...

    These past almost 2 months have been hell. No text on my birthday this year huh? I’ll miss that but I understand sis. I fucking love you. I really do hope you knew that.