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[iamcarieann]

-“But don’t ever underestimate the pain and suffering a woman has gone through based on her joyous presentation.”

On a Friday I woke up and felt my ovaries cramp. I took myself to the bathroom to freshen up and found spotting. I told myself, ‘This can be normal. Every pregnancy is different.’ I looked in the mirror and made eye contact with myself, I wasn’t going to worry. The spotting carried into Saturday and then into Sunday. Sunday was a mundane day to start. Although in my mind I knew something wasn’t right, the cramping was worse and the bleeding was more like a period, I decided I would have as much normalcy as I could so I visited my in laws for dinner. On the car ride there I found tears running down my cheeks as I sat silent in thought. I then had prepared to grieve my 8 week old pregnancy. Although I was in so much pain, I sat around a table near the ones I loved and I fed my son his chicken and beans and watched him smile and laugh at the interactions he made with his family. When we got home my uterus was nearly contracting at the rate of labor to expel the now foreign item it hosted. I took my heating pad, curled on the couch, and had the conversation that was now much needed. I in fact was having a miscarriage. The next day I told myself it was my time to grieve. I spent it alone with my son. It was nothing but a normal day full of baby play and chores. Then the following day I returned to work. While I felt okay, I was surly checked out. I did my job, I cared for others, I left them alive, and I came home. While sadness still comes in waves I’ve met myself in comfort and taken the space I’ve needed. For once in my life I took an ill day from work to mentally recover, which indeed did turn into a physical recovering day as well, as I passed most the tissue remaining in my uterus. Today, I spend everyday laughing and playing with my 7 month old son. Boy do I love him. I hold him so tight as I did everyday before this experience. But don’t ever underestimate the pain and suffering a woman has gone through based on her joyous presentation. When you see [her] carrying on as if life never skipped a beat. Today, I am okay. Okay for me. Okay for my family. I’ve somehow in this pain re found myself out of this post Covid culture. I’ve re found my humanity and my drive for love. I am more determined than ever to be who I want and have the family I need. So you will see me carrying on just like [her] before me.

Today I am okay.

[iamcarieann]

Here is a not so boring Q&A: about ME!

1. What is your favorite way to spend a day off?

Let’s say I’m right back home, that means in NC, just like I want to be. My favorite days off consist of a morning beach walk, home cooked breakfast and coffee on the porch, a day on the beach or kayaking in the inter coastal, some beers on a brewery patio, and a warm sun kissed shower at the end of the night. Followed by a fireside and some s’mores. Oh and quite possibly a movie.

2. Introvert or extrovert?

Can an introvert do extrovert things?! Let’s say I am a home body at times that loves family oriented adventures. But give me some tequila and play me some country music and I’ll be the social butterfly of the night. I may even let you spin me around a few times on that dance floor.

3. Are you into podcasts or only music?

While I am avidly into music…I am a podcast junkie. Currently i am into an Ohio local podcast about a family murder scandal. For reference: The Piketon Massacre. But I am also into church podcasts, self help podcasts, psychology podcasts and indulgently enough Steve Harvey and Dr. Phil podcasts. Yes, that’s pretty nerdy.

4. What is one thing that can make your day instantly better?

A great cup of coffee. I’m not sure if this makes my day or if a bad cup of coffee absolutely ruins my day. But rest assured you do not want to be at the other end of a bad cup of coffee in my morning. I can be quite a grouch.

5. What activity instantly calms you?

I love to paint. It honestly doesn’t matter what it is. A wall in the house, a piece of refurbed furniture, a canvas, or even a paint by number. Painting is so calming to me. Sometimes I don’t really get much time to be able to paint, but I will always come back to it when I can.

[iamcarieann]

Looking at my little belly and realizing that in 8ish weeks I’ll be a mommy absolutely blows my mind.

I’ve grown so much in my body image in these 7.5 months. While I am so excited to meet this little boy named Jepson, I also am going to miss days like this where I get one on one peace time with my baby belly.

If you’re a girl with body issues, let me tell you every moment of your pregnancy you will notice something new about your body. I wouldn’t say I’ve loved any of them (besides maybe my línea nigra, because I think it’s adorable)but the further along you get, the more you realize how amazing your body is. Anticipating the end result overweighs these weight gains and growing spaces.

[iamcarieann]

Many women don’t talk about the things you experience during pregnancy.

I don’t know about all women, but trying to view your pregnancy as a beautiful and bonding time period is way harder than social media makes it sound.

Working full time as a floor RN, I spend 14 hours a day on my feet. Which basically is the stem of all the miserable things I’ve experience being pregnant. (Above pictured is my bump after 3 straight 14 hr shifts at 29 weeks)

But a big aspect that no one talks about is body image, weight gain, and the BUMP.

Obviously you can see I am at a place where hiding my bump isn’t possible anymore. But you’re probably wondering why I would want to hide my bump, because pregnancy is beautiful right?! This wasn’t the case for me. I felt so bloated and uncomfortable my first two trimesters, I was convinced I just looked fat not pregnant. I spent winter wearing baggy sweaters and often got the comment, “we haven’t even seen your bump yet,” when I was well into my second trimester.

Weight gain has always been my downfall. I’ve so far been in the range per week of healthy weight gain for my pregnancy, however this is definitely the heaviest I have been in my life. So I feel it! While my stomach doesn’t look like I am 7 months pregnant, I still experience the same things that everyone else does without gaining 60+ pounds. And isn’t that what the downfall is, your own perceptions and how you feel about yourself?! My bump to me is huge! To others they think I am 20 weeks, not 29.

So I’ve spent the last week or so really focusing on loving my belly and myself. For the sake of the little man inside. Honestly I looked bigger at 20 weeks than I do now. Your body is always changing, bloating, redistributing, and you experience constipated like you never have before, and it’s OKAY. You don’t need to make it a beautiful thing, but give yourself some grace. You’re doing so well and you’re becoming a mom.

And that is a beautiful thing.

[iamcarieann]

These days I like to live life unfiltered.

I’ve spent 2020 going through things I’ve never had to experience, learning how God has placed these obstacles in my life to show me i am bigger then anything I face, and still learning everyday the kind of person I want to be.

My father always told me when I was a child “Life is not fair,” when I questioned why certain things happen. Honestly it’s one of the best things he could have embedded into my life. Sometimes we have to do things we just don’t like. We live in this generation of instant gratification, where “we should all just be happy and do exactly what makes us happy.” No matter who we take down with us. We give up on people and weve become selfish and often don’t want to pay for the reprocussions to our actions. But I’ve learned a lot about what it’s like to be steadfast.

As I look out the window this morning, my patients teddy gracing the morning sunrise, I paused to thank God for my perspective. For the days where I leave work and want to collapse into my truck and cry, but yet I can still smile. For the lives I get to meet and leave an imprint on everyday. For a while I’ve lost my thrive from the burnout of work, the overuse of social media and the pressure to be someone everyone else wants me to be. But small moments like this remind me that I love to love people. No matter where this life takes me, the places I’ll live, or the people I meet, I never want to forget that about myself.

[iamcarieann]

My memories of you being such a strong women quickly faded into your weak being

Where one day to the next was determined by the crippling illness that consumed you.

Backed by my educated methodology, I quickly damaged my own perceptions of your mental state to justify your behaviors.

To justify the trauma buried deep in my subconscious.

Only to find light after my years of repression and deflection, trampled by mindfulness.

I strive to find forgiveness in my heart but presently struggle to differentiate the disease with you’re actual intentions,

Awaiting the day that your actions don’t reflect a singular relationship.

Yet all the meantime worrying that I have a similar predisposition.

My biggest fear is looking in the mirror and seeing you.

[iamcarieann]

God has given me more blessings in this life than I could ever have imagined. But it’s it funny how no matter how aware you are of Gods Grace in your life....the devil is still so present? Today I was listening to an online sermon I missed yesterday (Sunday) because I was working. As I listened I couldn’t help but agree and tune into the devil working right at that SECOND. See the word of God makes huge impact and when it is ready to be recieved the devil will to anything to distract you. A text, a call, a commercial, a thought of what I need to get done today...anything to make your mind wonder away from the impact of Gods word. I am a woman of many wonders. But lately I have found myself very distracted by social media and absolutely in tune with this realization. Hence my silent withdrawal from most daily social media activities in the last 4-5 month. However in my life I also have noticed that often my daily worries drag and procrastinate my daily objectives. Although i consciously work on this everyday. I wake up to sermon, I don’t scroll at lunch, I utilize the massage therapist at work, I eat foods that fuel my body....but I am flawed. The devil gets in and I fall short. I create insecurity because the devil tells me I am not good enough. So I start to doubt my purpose which leads to me thinking these goals aren’t meant for me in the first place. I do things that I already KNOW will lead to poor results and I do them anyways. I let anger get the best of me and I let bad food choices lead me to emotional and physical distress. But see being aware, is a step toward God. It’s the hand that reaches out and I imagine him saying “I have you...I will pull you from your darkness, from your bad days, and I will follow you through the days you feel less than enough.” For those are the feet you see in the footprints in the sand. Those are the moments you seek when your mind starts wondering toward all the negative clout.

This picture above is perceived probably a lot different to the media’s eye than to mine. I see a normal woman. A woman who has overcome a lot of adversity in her life but is blooming because she has God and his wonderful grace. Although she has bad days she has faith. Bless it, if you knew her life like God did, you wouldn’t need to make excuses for her bad days because you would already know what is on her plate. Yet she still blooms and plants seeds whereever she grows.

[iamcarieann]

Circa 1942.

There are many things in my expansive mind that occupy my everyday thought. I love coming across old photos. This of my grandma when she was a child. There are numerous things that adventure my mind about this photo. Mainly I remince of how much I miss her and how maybe if she was around I wouldn’t have as many conflictions in my own mind about the woman I am. My grandma was a strong woman. One who may have lacked tact in her dying days, however one that reined over the big Irish bunch. There was no blarney or shenanigans without her sneaking in a word. But she was FOR her family. She would scrounge every penny she had to get each grandchild something for every holiday. Dad was one of 6 children which means including grandchildren we are a traditionally large Irish family. But she made her own traditions that all of us will never forget. Bunny cakes on Easter, birthday singing for Jesus on Christmas, circus peanuts extra stale, orange slices, and mixed hard candy.

Another thing it makes me think about is how sassy she was. How in fact I am probably just as sassy. How much I looked up to her for her Queen Bee attitude. I wanted to be around my grandma all the time. In fact the days she spent dying of cancer where some of the best days I remember. Even though she wasn’t her best a lot of the time, we had fun. We laughed at the tv shows she watched from her hospital bed. As I sat and watched her suck down those long skinny cigarettes from the 60s...we went to Frisces to get a Big boy with a glass bottle of coke (a MUST), a sweet slice of apple pie. This usually occurred on a Wednesday because that’s when the pie was free with lunch. She loved her sail boat and anything nautical. We would take it out on Indian lake and she’s sit her cute little emaciated butt out on the stern and tan with me sipping on coke or unsweetened sun tea as dad and grandpa sailed.

Lastly I think about the days before she died. How she always wanted me to follow the legacy and go to Mount Carmel for Nursing, she knew I dreamed since I was in the 5th grade. When she died I became bitter. I ran from my dream and spent 2 years obtaining a separate degree. But If there is one thing other than keeping us in Catholic Church that I know was most important to grandma it was seeing me succeed at Mount Carmel. So the day I stood and obtained my deploma as a BSN, I spoke up to her and she was proud.

When people leave our lives the impact is an obvious one. Our family isn’t the same without the bind that held it together. But I’d like to think i am a better person because of my grandma. Pictures are “the small things” to me. I’m grateful to have a lot of my grandmothers materials, some lost, some cherished, but the memories with her and the images I have before I even knew her will always be a sweet treat. I know wherever I go, the cardinals that follow are her watching over me.

[iamcarieann]

Bryce aka Bryson

Early in 2018 after we had settled into our new home in our quaint little town near Topsail Beach, my husband and I discussed getting another dog for our fur baby. Corp aka Corporal was a rescue and has severe separation anxiety. We had recently rehomed one of our puppies, Ruby, because she wasn’t a good fit for our family. Corp however has been an obstacle himself. I wouldn’t say he’s the dog everyone aspires to have but he sure is lucky to have a home like ours. It seems I’ve forgiven more times than he’s probably deserved. Anyhow, we talked it over and since we decided Corp was my husbands dog...I got to chose the new “pup” so I came about Bryce on an adoption site. He was 10 years old and needed a “furever” home. When we first met Bryce he was someone hyper and I was concerned about his bad habits. But I figured they could be broken so I couldn’t say no. Little did I know he would open up a new part of me that I’d discovered in myself.

Bryce is a kindred old soul with a puppy personality that peaks out at the right moments. You can talk to him like you’re sitting talking to your best friend and he understands you. My favorite thing to do is watch Bryce sleep. In fact, if he’s not snoring at night I often find myself wakings up to check on him. Bryce also born and raised a hunter loves to find a trail and hunt out anything living. Once he finds it he will bark to the high heavens “MOM MOM!” “Come get your present I found you!” As I walk over and put him on the head and tell him not today we have to let the turtle go.

I know Bryce’s days on our earth are numbered... With his old arthritic hips that he often hops around on in the mornings and his grumpy man behaviors when the cat is trying to play...Bryce was just what I need when I came home to an empty house and Corp had shredded half the recycle bin. He’s just what I need when I want to fall into a million pieces and cry after a long day at work. It’s no doubt in my mind that if Bryce wasn’t a used and abused hunting dog his whole life, he could have been a therapy dog, or the perfect dog to a family home. I’d like to think my children one day will know Bryce but this of course is uncertain.

One thing that I will say, never repeat, and may regret one day is that Bryce made me a dog person. He made me realize that I am all my animals have when my husband is away. They solely depend on me. They fill their day waiting on me to come home, waiting on me to rub their ears, hop around the living room with them, go for beach walks, and overall nurture them. Bryce will always be my porch pup. The one who watches me work on my truck and the one who helps me tolerate Corp.

[iamcarieann]

Introduction:

My name is Carolyn. I am an Oncology nurse with too many aspirations and goals to accomplish in ones life time. Aside from giving most of my time to my patients. I love to travel and take in beautiful views and experiences. The small things in life are what create my joy. I’m naturally a daddy’s girl. I grew up a fireman’s daughter and I’d spend everyday with my dad if I could. I was born and raised in Ohio but currently consider home North Carolina. I have a wonderful church family and amazing friends that support my every move.

Here are a few simple things about me:

🌻I LOVE coffee and PB.

🌻Fishing, hiking, camping, outdoor movies, beach walks, festivals, country concerts.

🌻I have 26 and counting tattoos.

🌻I am very crafty and love to antique shop.

🌻 I am a truck girl.

🌻I’ve always had self esteem issues, i was bullied a lot in my younger years, but I have faith and I work everyday to improve on my own self critiscism.

🌻I burn my candle at both ends.

🌻Spooky things make me happy. I’m an avid horror movie buff, anything Halloween, and anything that feels like fall. Although I’m a summer baby and I love hot weather.

🌻I have 2 hound dogs named Corp and Bryce.