iameternal

[iameternal]

3/22/25

I spent a lot of time not trying to think about how she makes me feel. Apart of me gets so sad but also apart of me is really happy that I got to experience something like that again. Someone else made me really happy, someone completely on the outskirts of my life so unconnected that it was honestly perfect. its really hard for me to still grasp all of the emotions I feel towards her. I still get really nervous when I know im going to see her and apart of me thinks im still pretty shy. I wanted it to be her, but its something I cant have but shes also someone that stays. Im glad its like that but at the same time im pretty sad that it is like that. I just want tobe with her but i cant have that. Shes with someone else, and I kind of just have to sit here and accept that. Im doing better but that doesnt mean I cant be sad, apart of me does think that way but I know its not realistic or true. I miss her so much

[iameternal]

3/8/2025

I saw her today yippie. She was talking to me about how she feels about how she expresses her emotions as well as the way that she feels about herself and the changes she needs to make to be a "better person" I constantly found myself asking whether or not it may have been the others around her that find her emotion regulation irritating. She brought up how she was thinking about going into therapy again and I honestly think that it is a good idea. Especially when you're under a different mindset, you can reach new ideas that way. I think her and I were subject to feeling like therapy was the only escape from the thoughts that we were having back then. But approaching it with the mindset of "I have these issues and its something I want to fix" is great, however I really think that can be really daunting. A lot of emotions that you may have chose to stash away can come up and you have to kind of ready to approach those things. She told me she felt really confused and I have a lot of sympathy for that because I felt the same for a long time, but now a days I try to question less and accept more.

I think its really selfish of me to want to help her more than she allows me to. But I also don't think its right to shove myself in someone's mind just because I want to help them. Being hands off is pretty much the only thing I know how to do.

[iameternal]

cont.

She was basically just clinging on to me for a good amount of time that night. I guess I felt really wanted, I wasnt really that drunk either so it made me happy but I was pretty offput. She had said that I was her bestfriend and that kind of shut me off from thinking or doing anything more that night just because I felt like thats allI could really be for her, which wasnt something too crazy but. I was really happy to see her be really affectionate though, its not something you see everyday. The second big event was actually at the same bar but at a different time, we had gone out with 1 other person that night but eventually she invited her other friends to meet up with us. She ends up crying again because shes just happy to be around people that really loves. But somehow she made her way to me just sitting there and drinking at a seat and I end up holding her face and wiping her tears off. Of course I knew I cared a lot about this person but the fact I wasn't weird about being touchy with her was a good thing, I am not normally like that but I guess my instincts put me in a place to just do that. I would say the third big event was when we were at a club and almost kissed, that one was just reallt weird and I couldnt get the image of her saying we probably shouldnt out of my head. I kinda knew she either didnt like me as more than a friend or our curcusmtances limited that idea of what we could be for eachother. All of these experiences though at the time made my heart flutter and again the possiblities really felt endless. But eventually she got back woth her ex and were still in eachother s lives but its mainly through social meid aas well as text. I dont have a big problem with that but I find myself thinking about whether or not i had a chance to actually push that relationship into like an official relationship. I think about it a lot despite feeling kind of okay where things are right now. I however still really like her but I find myself talking less and less about it. if by some random chance you ever see this kylee i am actually in love with you but I can never. say it to your face because I get really scared of losing a relationship like this. things are very bleak for me and I would never actuallyh wish for things to end between her and her current boyfriend/ex but I genuinely really do love her. But I know I need to move on, I have no plans of ruining anything for anyone. Instead I will exist and hope to find someone new to finally let in and love unconditionally again.

i miss looking forward to mondays

[iameternal]

k

Recently or last year I got the chance to finally get to know one of old coworkers. I had spent a lot of the prior months just sitting there and constantly thinking about how cool I thought they were. I was happy to get to know someone completely new. Back then I knew I had a crush on them but I had always kept it to myself and also I told my friends about her but never that I had actually really liked her. Thinking about the countless nights that we had worked together I never really though much of that crush I had on her to be honest. I would always say things admiring her and how we had already established that her and I thought very similarly to my friends but I would never really do anything, I kinda let her mediate and talk about whatever she wished to talk about. This was basically april 2023 up to january, seeing eachother a lot and always working together. You would think the close proximity was why I grew to like her but I think there was a genuine connection between the two of us and I will always try my best to not sell that idea short. But anyways I had gone to japan for around 2 weeks at the start of 2024. Leading up to that trip I had always brought it up to her and how I excited was for that trip, also spent a little bit of time rubbing the fact in her face for fun just because I thought it would be funny and it was >:). But thats not important, when I had gotten back from that trip there was news floating around that her boyfriend had broekn up with. her. When I heard that I could not help to be happy for myself, but of course I kept that reaction to myself and instead kind of jumped in headfirst into a friendship. I believe people should always be helped and supported when going through hard times, and I know how hard your first heartbreak can feel. After hearing this new I had actually gotten her souvenirs from Japan, just little stuff I thought she might like. But after I gave that to her at work she had texted me later something along the lines of "Hey ive been going through a hard time, it would be nice to have new friends to talk to :)" I dont think another person has made my heart race the way it did 3 years prior to me receiving that text. I had instantly responded saying "okay" but I was going through all of the possibilities from this opportunity. After texting back and forth about the gifts I gave her we decided that we would meet at a coffee shop. I was so happy about it. Leading up to the day i was telling my friends about the situation and how happy I was to be going out with her that day. Now the actual hangout is pretty questionable LOL. It wasn't BAD but it was going to take some getting used to. After that monday though(we decided to hangout on a monday) I would see her almost every monday of every month until may. And in that short time span I would grow to really like this girl. I dont base my crushes on real compatability rather just physical attraction. But throughout those 4-5 months I had really really grown to like her. At first I spent a lot of my time staying in the mindset that it was nothing more than a friendship because of the circumstances that came from this opportunity. I think it both kept me safe but also kept me away from doing anything more than friend things. There was I say 3 big events. 1 of these events was actually her 21st birthday. She invited me and some of her friends to go out and drink on her birthday at the bars. Theres she dressed up in lolita clothing and I was completely in love with it. Watching someone dress how they want rather than how other people expect you to dress is so cool and I have always found that act so cool. But that night we were drunk and obviously things got kinda weird I guess but not really. She started crying relentlessly and I found it really interesting that she chose me to cling on out of everyone at that table. To all of those other people I was just seen as the guy that was really like her and thats basically all her friends knew me as. One of her friends even bought me a drink which was really nice.

[iameternal]

February 9th, 2025

It’s getting harder to sleep, but I’ve been feeling so much more tired than normal lately. I found myself asking if the thoughts that occur past 12am are ever good ones and why I end up staying up this late all the time, but right now I don’t really end up staying awake a lot, I find time to sleep when I can. I think I get a good amount of sleep too but idk I feel soo disoriented and obviously the solution is just to fix my sleep schedule but maybe this is just my way of saying I’m starting to get pretty depressed again? This happens periodically so I start to think maybe I just never wasn’t depressed. I usually keep thoughts like this to myself but I figured they only linger in my head if I don’t share them. I feel like I’ve almost completely learned from a conversation I had with a friend the other day. I only really feel comfortable opening up to them right now but I would rather not bother someone, but thoughts like that feel negative,, but I would hate to pull the rope too hard and they end up letting go. You know what I mean?

[iameternal]

02/5/25

Today was a weird one, I found myself opening up about something that troubled me to probably who I’d consider my newest friend. Sometimes I struggle a lot when it comes to them. I really like them, and for me it just seems like that’s a glaring issue. Nobody I really like sticks around, but this one seems to want to stick around. I’ve really grown quite fond of them and their existence. I would say we’re really alike in the way we think with both the good and the bad. I always grow fond of the ones that know how to acknowledge certain things at the right time. I can really feel seen by someone you know.

I’ve struggled with that part of me, the desire to be seen but to not be heard. Does that make sense? I like knowing people know me, but I also dislike it at the same time. I think a lot of people sum me up by my interests but I take it at face value. I know who I am and what I like but having to see people turn what I like into me is nice, it feels like that’s all there is to me. It’s weird to be so in tune with that part of me though, I feel like for the longest time I would struggle with ways to describe myself but now I rarely find it to be a struggle. I’d say I describe myself as kind, resilient, and caring. All good things but I think it’s okay to think of yourself in a good way, which is another thing I struggled with when I was younger.

Back to what I was saying about that friend, I truly feel like me and this person found eachother at really weird times in our lives where we’re really young but at the same time we’re both growing to be older. Definitely a phases where we both want to display maturity while holding on to the things that keep us from saying we’re definitely mature. Albeit I believe that it’s more of a self thing than an outward thing. We’re mature in terms of the way we handle ourselves but can be immature with others. However I think we approach and communicate with each other with that maturity in mind.. You definitely meet your people eventually, and apart of me would say I met the person I’ve been waiting to meet for so long. Which is a little corny and very very presumptuous but I’ve never really been given a reason to think otherwise. I could care less if I think I want to be more than friends with them, I love her so much that it doesn’t matter much. This ONE person practically changed the way I viewed myself and I realized that I also have a place in this world. If someone so like me exists out there than I know no matter where I am, I am not out of place. Their existence gives me a lot of clarity and comfort and I’m beyond glad that I met them. But I do indeed wish I could see them more but what can I do about that.

I think my brain will want to start limit testing and try to push her up in my head as a priority to talk/text whenever I have something to share. I feel like all the people that used to be there simply just fell out of circle/life because I get tired of waiting for atleast 3 days for a response to something that really took a lot out of me to express and share. But again this other person really shows they care and has expressed it to me in their own way which I’m grateful for. It’s nice to have very loving friends, and also a great change of pace. I don’t doubt the others care for me but I guess their way of going about it just reminds me of a lot of bad trauma and reminds me of the past a lot and it makes me feel frozen in time. I’ve definitely changed and they’ve definitely changed but it feels like the way they communicate is still very much the same and like in the past it makes my brain go to hard extremes. It just can’t be healthy for my heart and mind space.

I feel as though I care very deeply for those around me even though I can be quite dismissive and rude sometimes. But if I’m able to interact with them and I don’t feel like they feel the same way it’s okay to think that. And them saying otherwise doesn’t really change anything for me, it may be toxic but I truly feel emotionally neglected by a friend of mine and it’s exhausting and pushes my brain to its bring when all I really want to do is love and care without a thought in the world.

Idk that’s a lot but I guess I’ve had a lot going through my mind, I’m just glad I’m getting more accepting that like poop these words and thoughts need to come out eventually for them to pass and go away. And I find that this site is an okay place to express all of these things, no matter if someone will ever it beside me. I’m truly glad that I feel okay with expressing myself instead of just letting all of these thoughts linger forever in my head

[iameternal]

Novermber 19th, 2022

Hello, if youre coming across this thats a little crazy. Im just using this tumblr account for personal purposes because i didnt want to keep all my thoughts on google docs LOL. Im not going to disclose my personal information either. 

Hello, im venusflytrapeternal. Im pretty cool and swag. Anyways, I would say for me through text I can really express who I am and collect my thoughts. I often find myself letting my emotions takeover my action so I always try my best to not do that anymore as I think it leads to poor communication and comprehension skills. Im currently 19 as of writing this. Ive always dealt with mental issues such as anxiety and depression but as of late I’ve seen this issues being less apparent for me the older I get. The sources of these issues would probably be my lack of self esteem, confidence, and identity. Also neglect from my parents growing up. I always felt like I was in a position to never talk to my parents and deal with most things myself. I resisted and tried my hardest to never cry or really show any emotion except happiness with them and it became an issue. The more I lived like that the more I chose to distance and never talk to my parents, they never really made an effort for me either. But in the most recent months ive been trying my best to let my parents into my life as it seems my mental health has been more relevant for them. I;m kinda exhausted so this is all im gonna write today.