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Happy Saudi Arabia National Day!!!  🇸🇦🎇🎆

Al Khobar, Saudi Arabia (September 23, 2017)

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[iamluiren]

depression after years of having it isn’t even sadness it’s just being exhausted and being allowed one (1) emotion a week and sometimes your brain is like “die” and you’re like “shut up brad”

[iamluiren]

[iamluiren]

[iamluiren]

Tiningnan ko pics natin.

After kong makinig ng malulungkot na kanta, hindi naman ako masyadong nalungkot. Pero nung narinig ko yung "Isang Araw" ni Kaye Cal, sabi ko sa sarili ko, sige nga, tingnan ko pic natin baka sakaling maiyak ako.

Hindi ako nagkamali. Haha. Naiyak ako. Kasi namiss kita kasama nung mga alaala sa mga retrato na tinitingnan ko.

Pero yung totoo? Ayokong makalimutan kung anong itsura mo. Baka kasi pagdating ng araw na bumalik ka, di na kita kilala. Ano ba yun? Sabi ko nung ilang linggo na nakakaraan, sana makalimutan na kita di ba? Pero bakit ganito ako ngayon? Ayaw ko nang malimutan ka?

Ampayat payat mo nung huli kitang nakita. Ako rin pumayat nun kasi sobrang stressful na natin di ba? Pero bakit ganun? Kahit na ganun parang ayaw ko namang ma-stress sa ibang bagay. Kahit na nakaka-stress ka sa telepono gusto pa rin kitang kausap.

Ayaw ko nang tumawag. Kahit gustung-gusto ko.

Yung huling beses na tinawagan mo ko, umiiyak ka para humingi ng sorry sa lahat ng nangyari, sorry kasi nasaktan mo ko, sorry kasi parang ang dali mo lang tinapon yung 2 years natin. Yan lang yung naintindihan ko sa pagitan ng mga pag-iyak mo. Sinabi ko na lang na patawarin mo na sarili mo, pinatawad na kita. Tinanong mo ko kung bakit gising pa ako kasi alas-dos pasado na yun ng madaling araw. Sinabi ko na lang na may sinusulat lang ako nun. Pero yung totoo? Nagsusulat ako ng email sayo para sabihing hinihintay pa rin kita. Kahit na nasaktan mo ko kasi gusto ko pa ring makasama ka pero ang kumplikado na.

Inisip ko nun kung ise-send ko ba o ilalagay ko na lang sa drafts folder kasi ganun din naman. Wala na rin namang mangyayari. Hindi pa rin naman tayo handa para sa isa't isa. Pero napagdesisyunan kong i-send na rin.

Minsan, umaasa pa rin ako na makita kita. Na sana puntahan mo ko dito sa Manila para makausap mo ko.

Pero siguro, yun na nga yung huli. Yung tawag na yun nung Linggo ng madaling araw, huling "Sorry" na para sa ikatatahimik ng loob mo. Hindi na ako nagtanong ng kahit ano, o kung babalik ka pa ba? Kasi sa ilang beses na nating nagkausap na tinatanong ko kung anong gusto mong mangyari kapag sinasabi mong mahal mo pa rin ako, wala kang masagot sa akin.

Hindi mo pa rin ako kayang piliin.

Hindi ko alam kung hiniwalayan mo na talaga siya or umiwas ka na ng tuluyan sa kanya katulad nung sinabi mo sa akin. Hindi ko na naiisip pero siguro mas mabuti nang isipin ko na kayo pa rin kasi nung huli, hindi mo siya kayang iwan kasi masasaktan mo siya di ba? Kaya mas pinipili mo na lang akong saktan kaysa sa kanya.

Ayoko nang magparamdam. Huli na rin yung email na ginawa ko para sayo. Di ko na dudugtungan. Tama na siguro yun. Tutal, nag-deactivate ka na rin lahat ng social media accounts mo. Baka plano mo na rin talagang kalimutan ako. Kaya siguro sana kaya ko nang tumingin sayo nang wala nang sakit sa susunod kapag nagkita tayo.

Hindi ko pa alam kung magbubura na ako ng pics natin sa phone ko pero sisimulan ko na siguro. Magdadalawang buwan na rin namang wala na tayo.

Hanggang dito na lang.

[iamluiren]

I dreamt of a person and my ex.

I dreamt someone wants to be with me, someone who’s willing to stay and hold me. It’s comforting to know that someone’s willing to be there for you at your lowest. Even if it’s just a dream. I least expected that person to be with me. She’s my childhood friend, she’s happily married and have two kids now. I don’t know why she came up on my dream. I hugged her and hold her hand like I am really sad and needed someone’s warmth. Luckily, she’s there. I am hugging her from behind while we were walking our way home. I just finished an interview with my first BPO office job and passed. I also dreamt of some chinese shit like there’s a fiesta or something.

She’s chinese by the way but she doesn’t look like one. I looked more chinese than her. Then we walked passed by my ex, the recent one, and she walked with us. It was so awkward but I don’t want to wake up in that dream. She seems jealous that I am with someone else, we’re still not together but it seems like she’s bad mouthing me to my childhood friend that I am not even applying for a job, meaning I don’t have a dream of becoming successful. I can’t remember if I or my childhood friend said that I passed the job interview earlier before we walk our way home.

My ex walked with us until we reach the tricycle terminal. Both of them, my ex and childhood friend insisted to have the back ride but I refused and jumped at the back, they didn’t have a choice but to rode inside the side car. My childhood friend transformed to her college friend before we rode the tricycle, her college friend went in first then she went in after. They looked so awkward to each other.

I don’t know what that means but it made my heart warm when I see her in my dream, I even touched her warmth but I can no longer feel the love between us. I don’t know. Maybe there’s still “tampo” between us, but in my dream, I still wished to be happy. Even in my waking life, I wished there’s someone who can give me the warmth that I felt when I gave a hug and hold my childhood friend’s hand. I needed a hug. Someone whom I can trust and hold on to when I am sad and happy. That’s how simple I am to be happy. But I know not everyone can hold you when you need them to. I understand.

Some people drift away when you need them, sometimes, unintentionally, you allowed it to happen too. You need to forgive yourself and them for walking away. Some things are meant to stay but some things are also meant to go. Let them go.

[iamluiren]

This blog is Dedicated to anyone suffering from Anxiety! Please Follow Us if You Can Relate: ANXIETYPROBLEMS

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I love me, but it sucks to be me sometimes.

[iamluiren]

I used to be afraid of being alone. Now, I’m afraid of having the wrong people as company.

Bunny  (via pilosopogyno)

[iamluiren]

knowing that one Sunday morning I’m going to roll over next to my sleeping wife and be able to kiss her is what keeps me going