iamnotataboo-blog

[iamnotataboo-blog]

I am not a Taboo.

Mental health, it’s the taboo of the health world. Kind of like “He who not be named” in Harry Potter. You don’t want to mutter the words too loudly or someone might hear you talking about it and no one wants that right? Depression, anxiety, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, just to name a few I’ve got jotted down on my long list of mental health issues, they effect so many people yet very little know anything about them. They are jokes, funny things to say when bad things happen or someone is having a rough morning. But to so many, people like me, they can effect our lives in ways people couldn’t possibly understand.

I remember the day I was diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD(borderline personality disorder). It was Easter, I had spent the weekend in another mental breakdown when Easter morning came I was in full blown depression mode. The few weeks beforehand I had been in an obvious manic stage. It’s obvious now but back then not so much. I was out partying with friends, spending all my money on parties and making my friends or even strangers happy. And then Friday hit and I started crashing. My head was spinning and by time Sunday night hit I had thought of every possible way to kill myself. So that night I made the choice to admit myself into the local psychiatric hospital. They told me bi-polar 2 and BPD, just adding to my already long list of mental health diagnoses. At first I felt relief, finally something that made sense. Something that could tell me why I couldn’t stop having sex with multiple men while having a boyfriend I loved or why I could blow my entire paycheck on a night of binge drinking but then a week later be so depressed I didn’t want to leave my bed, so depressed I’d rather drive directly into on coming traffic than live another day. Why I could switch the type of persona I wanted to portray day by day and depending on who I happened to be with at that moment. But then relief turned into fear and embarrassment. I suddenly had no idea what I was going to do, why I couldn’t just be normal. After years of therapy and medications to try and alter my mind into being semi “Normal” I thought I was doing better, so I did what so many other people with mental health issues do that start feeling better, I went off my meds. I stopped going to therapy. I stopped getting the help I needed and that my big mistake.

I went back to going through mania and intense depression. My anger has made me scream at people I love and become a violent, manipulative person that has hurt the people close to me. I don’t mean to, trying to control my emotions becomes harder and harder with every passing day but i do the only thing I can do, keep trying, keep pushing forward. Luckily I have a very understanding husband to support me, he is the one that gets brunt of my anger and yet he still pushes forward with me. So my advice to anyone suffering with mental health issues, don’t give up. It’s hard and it gets worse before it gets better but we can live normal, happy lives if we try. And to those who love someone with mental health issues, be there for them. We know what we have, we know how we act is often irrational, we know we aren’t normal.We don’t need to be reminded everyday or every time we do something wrong but we do need love, compassion and help.

And to the rest of the world, stop the silence. Speak about mental illness, get out there and learn about the different mental health issues. Stop the taboo, mental health isn’t something we should be sweeping under the rug, hoping if we ignore it long enough it will go away. The only way it gets better is when the world becomes aware and becomes involved. We can get better.