iamonceagainafool

[iamonceagainafool]

1.4.21

it’s been a while. december was good! it went so fast i hardly remember. it was really good to see my family. i dont remember the last thing i said about the first friend i dr0nkenly made out with but update! apparently they still had feelings for me when they came to visit me in december so we had a Talk and basically told them that my physical attraction to them was not enough to sustain a relationship and i didnt want to commit to something i couldnt follow through with. i love them so much. i just dont have romantic feelings towards them, yk? anyway i think theyre ok with everything now. i hope they are. theyre talking to someone new so thats probably a good sign. i havent really talked to the og them lmao in a while. i am thinking about asking them if they want to meet and talk when they get back from break. the last time i saw them was the day i left for break. we got lunch together and it was nice but it felt like there was a lot unsaid. idk we’ll see. i am really hoping this semester was better. there was so much pain in the last six months. the last year really but thats 2020, huh? anyway. i am still figuring things out about the second person i dr0nkenly made out with lmao i am a mess. i dont think i want to date them. i dont know. i just want to Know what they are thinking. we have not talked about it at all. sucks im not telepathic but maybe its for the best

[iamonceagainafool]

11.16.20

hi. in bio again. still hate this class. things with him are still weird. getting weirder. don’t wanna talk about that rn. 

so friday night i supposedly dr0nkenly made out with another one of my friends and once again i was not the one who initiated it but i was not Not into it. i always thought he was hot. i’m not mad about it. i can’t remember it. but now i’m like hm. what if we kissed hehe also i do not know how much he remembers, if anything at all. i certainly will not be the one to bring it up. anyway i guess i’ll lyk if anything happens with that

[iamonceagainafool]

11.9.20

i am in bio again. i still hate this class. i just don’t have a science brain but i wish i did. i love my friends. i’m just thinking about them.

i am trying to get used to just vibing and living my life without a romantic interest. it’s tough bc like,, who isn’t lonely. i might like this one girl. i don’t know. shes super nice and pretty and funny and we like a lot of the same things. but i don’t wanna be the mf who just goes around dating their friends. 

on another note i have been thinking a lot lately about how i am the ~soft one. i am the one who everyone feels the need to protect, who can’t look out for themselves. its fucking annoying. i just feel like everyone thinks i’m stupid or incapable or whatever.

[iamonceagainafool]

10.26.20

i am in biology right now. i hate this class. i talked to him last night. he called me. we havent spoken in a long time. i was worried. he was stuttering a lot and asking me about our class we have today. he asked if i had done the readings. he said they were really graphic and he was having a hard time with them. then he told me he got me something at the thrift store yesterday. my roommate says it’s an “emotional ploy”. psych major, what can i say. im not saying shes wrong though. we are probably going to talk in class. i am kind of nervous. i dont know how to talk to him now. i guess we’ll see. i have decided i will be friendly but he needs to be held accountable. i will not act like nothing happened. a lot happened. he was shitty to me a lot of the time. if he wants to continue reaching out to me, he needs to fix things. 

i talked to my friend i drunkenly made out with. we are all good. love them so much. 

anyway i havent been thinking about him as much lately. i wish it was less. i know that it will take time but i am tired

[iamonceagainafool]

10.21.20

we haven’t talked or seen much of each other lately. that’s ok. i do miss being around him. i get a bit when i know my other friends are hanging out with him. i am torn between forgiveness and holding him accountable. i dont think he’d apologize on his own. looks like im stuck.

in other news, turns out that i did in fact drunkenly make out with that friend and while they do have feelings for me i do not have feelings for them and i feel very bad about it and i do not know how to tell them. i feel bad for not telling them up to this point because i dont want them to feel like i am leading them on. but to be fair we have only really kissed drunk and when we made out i was absolutely gone and barely remember it. i know i need to tell them. i probably will tomorrow.

my dog died today.

today has not been the best.

[iamonceagainafool]

10.12.20

it has been another week. he asked for his stuff back. i left it on the porch. we have barely spoken and in truth i feel generally pretty good. he asked my other friend if they think that we are still friends. the fact is that if you want to be friends, you have to act like a friend. i am down to be friends and shit but i am not down to be treated the way that i was and i am not going to pretend like nothing happened and act like everything is normal. this shit has to be addressed and until things change we can’t be like we were. i would like to be but frankly that responsibility doesn’t lie with me. when he can grow up and talk to me like a person then we can think about being friends or whatever tf. 

sidenote, exploring ~feelings for my friend and i think that no i do not want to date them but yes i think they are hot and have/will make out with them occasionally (and probably dr*nk and if theyre cool w it)

[iamonceagainafool]

10.5.20

LMAOOO one week later i feel fantastic let me break it down for you. so last tuesday is the last time i saw him and then he texted me the next day saying “do we have beef” and i was like uhh i would not call it beef but basically what i said was no but its hard to act like things are normal bc a lot happened, im super busy today but i do wanna talk, can we talk later? and he was like sure j lmk so we tried a couple times and then on friday (or thursday?) he texted me that he left a bag of my stuff of the porch and i looked and it was the weirdest assortment of items and i was like uh sick ok and then saturday he was supposed to come over to talk once he got off duty and i texted him to ask if he still was and he absolutely went off at me, swearing and asking what my issue is and why im acting weird and i was like??? it is not my fault that you broke up with me and i was not immediately over it. i wanna hang out with you but i need you to be just a little understanding ,, like im gonna need a bit of space and time before i see u and ur new obsession~ sorry bro lmao so basically he thinks im immature and selfish and he was like everything i have to say is rude so i guess i’ll just leave it there and i did not answer bc 1 i am not 12 and 2 i am not going to encourage that shitty ass behavior. if he wants to talk to me, he can talk to me like an adult. if he wants his shit back, he can tell me. i’ll leave it on the porch.

 as soon as he said that i was like lmao ok and i immediately felt this weight off my shoulders and i am literally just. not sad about it anymore. i feel a lot better now knowing that i am not missing what i thought i was and i deserve so much better than anything he could ever give me. and at one point i was like wait AM i the crazy one??? and my friends were like lmao no hes an asshole we are proud of u and i was like uwu ! anyway i wish i hope he figures out that *surprise* his actions have consequences and yes they *do* effect other people. sorry! i genuinely hope he learns and grows from this but he has already explicitly said to one of my friends that he cant promise to change and makes no plans to lmao anyway i think more than anything i just feel relieved and confused

additionally, he still does not understand why it is inappropriate to date one of his residents and when it blows up in his face i do not want to hear it

[iamonceagainafool]

9.28.20

more pain. i went to the library to eat lunch w friends. he was there. the guy was there. i didnt know he’d be there. i couldnt finish eating. this weekend was very good. lots of friends lots of love. a bit of crying over this. very grateful for my friends. very tired of everything with him. he does not understand why we would be upset. it makes me feel cr*zy. i need to talk to my friends about this. i know they feel the same. we have talked about it a bit. i am upset. i am trying not to be. it’s not worth it to be upset but i cant help that it hurts. i am so tired. i cant do anything. i want him to know how i feel but at this point telling him just feels like stirring the pot and making unnecessary drama. i have to talk to my friends

[iamonceagainafool]

9.23.20

it’s wednesday. im at the library. my friends will be here soon. i look good today. i dont feel too good today. the last i talked to him was monday night after practice. we didnt talk all day yesterday. he texted me this morning. thats it. idk if i am going to see him today. i talked to my friend about everything. they said they noticed hes being weird too. i am so tired of feeling like this but i literally have no idea what to do about it. it hurts so much. i dont know what to do. we’ll see what happens today. 

[iamonceagainafool]

9.21.20

i was having a good day today. i felt good. i could still feel good. it’s only 1pm. i am in my bio class right now. i was at the library with him and three of my other friends. we were vibing. i went to the bathroom and when i came back this other guy was also there. i have been worried abt this guy. they have been hanging out a lot. i think he likes him. it makes me sad bc duh obvious reasons. but it also makes me feel weird bc he is one of his residents (he’s an RA). makes me uncomfy. but the way he acts when it comes to this guy is so weird. it’s like he doesn’t want any of us around him. he hangs out with him for hours, late into the night, like 4am. it hurts a lot. i don’t think he can even see that. it has been like three weeks since we broke things off for real. he told me he really wanted to focus on self improvement and be on his own. and now this. if he didn’t think we were supposed to be together, i’d rather he said that. everything hurts. this is so embarrassing. i hate that i can’t help but like him still. i’m really trying not to. he is so sexy to me. also i have no idea how he feels about me. some days he’s super nice and normal to me and some days it’s like he doesn’t even want to talk to me. i hate feeling like this. 

[iamonceagainafool]

9.16.2020

i know i haven’t said anything here for a while but a lot has happened so i will do my best to remember it all. in july we went to my friend’s house for a few days. that was the first time i had seen him since everything happened. everything between us seemed weirdly normal, and over the few days we were all at her house, he was touchy and sweet idk. i thought it was weird but i went along with it bc frankly it was what i wanted. over the next few weeks he came to see me a couple times and we spent some days together hanging out and talking and just being together and it was very nice. after we spent a while talking, we established that we wanted to be together again. when i moved into the apt in august, he came over that day and we slept together and continued to do so, at his place and mine, for the next two weeks before my roommate moved in and classes started and all that. things were going well. we spent a good and healthy amount of time together, we were affectionate and sweet. i loved it. i told him i didn’t feel comfortable telling our friends that we were back together because i wanted to make sure that things between us were good and strong. he seemed iffy about it but he agreed. after that i could feel things shift between us. every time we were in the same room together with our friends he seemed to completely avoid me. not like he was angry, but like he wanted to seem uninterested in me or just friendly. i understood but it still made me feel weird. we had a couple really good talks about communication and what we both wanted and needed out of relationships and what our boundaries are. i knew it was hard for him but i told him how much i appreciated that he had opened up to me as much as he had. he was not very touchy w me and he seemed upset and quiet a lot of the time. one night he came over to talk. i figured i knew what was coming and tried to prepare myself but truly nothing could. he sat in bed and watched tiktoks with me for a while and then i asked him what he had wanted to say. he went dead silent for a very long time. after a while he pulled out his notebook and headphones and a pen and went over the same page again and again. after an even longer wait, he put on his headphones and started reading it to me. honestly i dont remember a lot of it, but basically he said that he loves me but he feels like he can’t give me what i need even if he wants to and that he didn’t want to lose me. i know what it sounds like. i know it sounds cheesy and cliche and yeah whatever. what made me believe him was that he cried which was something i never thought i would see. the kid has been through a lot of ~trauma that has caused quite a bit of emotional issues and he just doesn’t really cry, at least not in front of people. we sat in silence for a bit after he stopped reading. i was crying too. i told him i loved him and that he couldn’t lose me if he tried. we talked for a while. i couldn’t stop crying. he tried to make me laugh. he left after a bit. i kept crying until i threw up. that was two weeks ago. i am so sad. i miss him so much. it hurts so much. it sounds so stupid but it hurts to know that i am not going to be special to him anymore, not in that way. i want to be together. i know it’s probably not best for either of us right now. i wish i wasn’t so needy or anxious or unstable lmao. i don’t mean to be gay and stupid on main but something is telling me that this is not the end, just a pause. i loved him as soon as i knew him and no one else since then. 

[iamonceagainafool]

5.26.20

it is now 11:19pm. i literally want to d*e so badly. i am so tired of feeling like this. i know none of this is true, but it feels like no one truly gives a fuck about me. it feels like no one misses me. and if they don’t miss me now, why would they if i was really gone? and i know that ridiculous and i know that’s not true but i can’t get it out of my head. i am trying so hard not to believe it. i have been extremely hesitant lately to tell my friends how i feel. i know it gets really annoying. the truth is i need to talk about it and get it out. i don’t know what else to do. i mean, that’s why i made this blog. and truthfully i feel kind of stupid for depending on other people but like? shouldn’t i? isn’t that how life works? don’t people depend on me too? so why is it so hard, why does it feel so wrong for me to ask for help? i just feel like i don’t matter. i picture my friends and i all at dinner together and then just sitting around talking. and then i picture me not there. and it’s all the same without me. they don’t notice. and i can’t help but ask, would they truly not notice? would they be happier without me? and if they would, wouldn’t it be only right for me to not be there? i want to be loved. i want to be loved as intensely and deeply as i love. i want to be held as i hold and missed as longingly as i miss. my chest hurts. it’s empty and overflowing all at once. 

i am still thinking about him. at most, minutes pass that i do not think of him. i wish i knew where we stood. i wish i knew what he felt and he knew what i felt. i believe that everyone should say screw it and share how they feel and be honest and kind and happy but it is not that simple, is it? i wish i was strong enough to make it through this. i’ll make it through but not easily or bravely. i am doing my best but it does not feel like enough. i want to matter. 

[iamonceagainafool]

5.26.20

things have been a bit better lately. at least i thought they were. it’s been three weeks since i have updated this blog so i don’t remember much of what’s happened but i’ll do my best. last week (i think?) he texted me and asked totally out of the blue if we could cover a song together. this caught me totally by surprise especially bc we hadn’t spoken much recently. but he didn’t want to cover just any song. he specifically asked if we could cover a song from the shared playlist we made and always listened to when we were together. i was sad but i was also kind of angry. didn’t he know that would hurt me? like come on. i told him i was down but i’d need some time bc i’m still dealing with what happened and he said he understood and to take as much time as i need. anyway, we haven’t really spoken much recently but saturday night he texts me, once again completely out of nowhere, that when he said he was “talking to someone” it was like “a week and it was nothing” and that he thinks he might be asexual. i didn’t really know what to say bc what the hell are you supposed to say to that? he also said he doesn’t know how to have a relationship without sex and he doesn’t think he knows what love is (ouch). i told him whatever he feels is ok and if he wants to talk about anything let me know. i was thinking about it and i was wondering what made him tell me all that. there must be a reason he wants me to know that it was “nothing”, right? and don’t get me wrong, i’m not hoping for anything. i’m just confused. i want to know what’s going on. what the hell is he thinking??? he wants to cover a song from our playlist, his admissions on saturday night, the fact that he keeps my ring on him. what is going on inside his head????? and i hate that all of this is getting to me. it’s been more than two months. i don’t want to feel all of this sadness and pain and anxiety anymore but it’s all that i feel. the fact is that he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions or his relationships and i’m just a victim of his emotional instability. if we both changed a whole bunch, maybe then i could see us happy, but i don’t think that’s going to happen. that doesn’t stop my mind from wandering though. it hurts so much bc i keep getting hit with old memories and hypothetical future events and it all is just pain bc none of it is real. i wish he would just be honest with me. 

[iamonceagainafool]

5.5.20

t the past couple days have been weird. i think i am moving closer and closer to accepting that i deserve better than what i went through with him. i’m still having trouble being like “he did all of these sweet and wonderful things AND he did things that hurt me and made me feel bad about myself” and accepting that he Did do those things. i am trying to make myself understand that it is ok that he doesn’t want to be together anymore. if he doesn’t want to be with me, someone who would literally do anything for him, then that’s on him. screw that. i don’t want to waste all this time and energy on someone who doesn’t appreciate or reciprocate it. we haven’t spoken much the last few days. it feels weird. yet somehow it relieves a pressure i didn’t know was there. i had a dream about him last night. we were together in his room at school and we were going to sleep together again but it didn’t happen and i forget why but it made me feel so weird. i won’t lie, i miss him so much. i can’t listen to a lot of music i like because it makes me think of him and cry. i still haven’t unpacked my stuff from school bc so much of it reminds me of him or is actually his. i wish i knew what he was thinking. i wish i knew if he even cared. but thinking that just reminds me of why i shouldn’t want to be with him in the first place. he never told me how he felt! i could always tell when something was wrong and really effecting him but he would never talk to me, even if it was about me!!!!! it made me so upset and anxious and frustrated and i expressed this to him multiple times and he still did it. i understand that it’s hard for him to talk about things, it’s hard for me too. but don’t avoid communicating with me and then go talk to someone else about issues between us i didn’t even know i existed bc you didn’t tell me! what the hell is that??? again, i won’t lie. i’ve thought about us getting back together. and IF it were to happen, a lot would have to be different this time. there’s a lot we’d both have to change. also, random thing. yesterday in the group chat he sent a picture of his little plants he’s growing beside his window. on the table next to them was the carabiner that he keeps his airpods on. i saw that he also has my ring on the carabiner. i used to wear this really simple twisted ring and then i let him start wearing it and he wore it every single day and when we were packing up our stuff at school to come home for quarantine (two days after we broke up) he asked me if i wanted it back. i said no bc i was like,, distraught and no i didn’t want it and i figured he stopped wearing it bc it wasn’t in any pictures of him or anything anymore but now i guess he keeps it on there and that makes me feel?????? weird?? idk it makes me feel like,, hopeful? that we’ll get back together but like do i even want that? i have no idea. i love him. i’m trying to love him differently but it’s so hard. i needed this space. still sucks though. i wish i knew what he was thinking. 

[iamonceagainafool]

4.20.20

it just turned midnight so technically its 4/20. i talked to one of my friends about all this tonight. i told her pretty much everything. she said she knew some of it already. i knew she knew some of it. she said he told her things sometimes. it made me spiral. my anxious thoughts are consuming me and i’m making up stories and scenarios and now i can’t stop and i can’t scream and i can’t even cry. i just can’t shake the feeling that i am being lied to or that everyone knows something i don’t. i trust her and i love her but i also know that she is a good friend and if he told her something and said not to tell she probably wouldn’t. all of this is so weird. more than anything i am just angry. a bit sad, yes. but i am angry at him (and others) for treating me like this and i’m angry at myself for letting them. i wish i could just release this anger. i need to productively deal with it. what the hell does that mean. i am so pissed off. i need him to act like a fucking adult and just tell me what’s going on. i’m so sick of this. i wish i could get rid of this weight in my chest and this fire in my stomach. i want to feel good. i don’t even know what that feels like. i wish i felt like i could trust the people close to me. for the most part i do but like, after tonight i just feel a bit paranoid. i don’t know. i just want to be over this. it’s going to take some time, i know. it’s been about five weeks. i know that isn’t that long but it feels like i have felt this pain forever and i am sick of it. i can’t do this anymore

[iamonceagainafool]

4.18.20

i am angry. my stomach feels like it’s on fire. he pisses me off. when we intially broke up he told me that he needed to figure out who he is and he said he needed to do that alone. and i was totally fine with that and i understood and said that i honestly needed that too. but now, a couple days ago, he tells me that he’s talking to someone. he says he doesn’t know if it will go anywhere bc of everything that’s going on. what the fuck. are you fucking serious. i understand not wanting to be lonely or whatever but like if you say you need to take time for yourself fucking take it. ALSO it literally has barely been a month. what the fuck. god i am just angry and sad and hurt. 

i’m pissed off that i wasn’t enough apparently. i’m angry that you seemed to have moved on so fast. i want you to be happy but i also wish you’d be honest with me. you keep giving me hope and then pulling rug out from under me and i don’t know what you’re thinking bc when i ask you won’t tell me. what the hell do you want from me!!!!! i have so many questions but i don’t want to ask them bc honestly i am afraid of the answers. 

i wish i could stop worrying about all of this. i know it’s not worth it. i don’t want to waste my time like this but i literally have nothing else to think about anyway. i don’t want to tell my friends that we broke up bc our friend group is the same and i am scared that they like him better and only tolerated me bc they love him so much. that sounds nuts, i know but that’s how i feel. i’ve only talked to two of my friends about it. one from that group and the other is a high school friend. they are both very supportive and understanding.

i am doing my best to put myself first and start doing things and thinking in ways that help me improve my physical and mental health and this is just another thing in the way. i’m doing my best to wrap my head around the fact that i can love others and still put myself first. i wish you’d tell me what the fuck you want. 

[iamonceagainafool]

4.14.20

last night he told me he doesn’t want to get back together when we go back to school. i cried in my empty bathtub for nearly an hour. i don’t know what to do. I don’t know what he wants me to say. i can’t help that i still want him. i just want to die.