iamspeakingtoyou - Tumblr blog

[iamspeakingtoyou]

I haven't written for a while, because I have felt like we have been communicating. I'm not sure if it's all my imagination. I have been having strange dreams lately... Bodies and body parts. Death. You haven't been there though, which I guess is a good thing in the context. I would like for you to show up in a dream that doesn't include those things. I'm thinking about the lyrics...

"You arrive, in my dream... Beside me every night, just you and me..."

I wish that could be true. But this place is death, just like the song states. I am alone. Isolated. That's why I only see dead things... Dead people. It doesn't affect me in my dreams. I look at them as if it's completely natural. But in reality I really wish that there was more life. I wish that I felt more alive. And that you and me could be. But I am Death, and you are The Universe, The Sun, The Star. Could we ever truly be The Lovers?

There's so much lyrics that I've made out to be about you in my head. Almost every song I listen to is about you. Deftones are good at making songs about you. Sextape is our song. The thing that I fear most, you teach me to love. Fireal and Digital Bath are my songs, but they're about you too. Mascara is about us. That line in Ceremony...

"The world we shared was never there..."

That one is also about us, or me. Because I can't make you real. Like Vermilion. Everything is a fantasy. Dead memories because nothing of it ever existed. It's all in my head...

Right now you're not asleep yet. I know it. You may be scrolling though your phone... listening to asmr, or maybe you've put it down and you're laying there trying to fall asleep, with a light on. I don't want you to be scared but for some reason knowing you might be is... giving me some kind of satisfaction? It sounds cruel, but it's just that I imagine being there with you, holding you, keeping you safe. I imagine that I am your safety. That with me you can sleep with the lights off... I should stop.

I need to stop doing this. Imagining too much. It gets painful. Painful and so wonderful at the same time. I imagine being close to you, looking into your eyes. I imagine taking your little hand in mine as I feel the waves of your love reach into my soul. I imagine listening to your heartbeat. There are so many scenarios that play over and over in my head. You are mine. In my fantasies.

[iamspeakingtoyou]

I am slightly drunk at the moment, listening to music, thinking about you. I'm actually not sure you know about me. I hope that you do, I hope you will. You will one day, I will make sure. I desire you so much. I wish I could talk to you... Know what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Are you okay? I hope you are. I hope you are feeling better than okay. If you were to be in a bad place, I would do anything I could to help.

I want you to know how much I care, how much I want to make sure you are alright. If you were mine I would do all in my power to keep you happy and safe. I wish I could tell you how I feel. That is why I'm doing this. Somehow I want to believe you will actually read this, and you will know that I am speaking to you.

I want to write you a letter. Actually, I might. I'm not sure if you'd respond, or if you'd even get it. But if you'd got it I hope you'd read it. I don't expect a relpy, I just want you to read it. I want you to hear me out. I want you to know how much I love you. Even though I am just a stranger to you. It's important to me that you know how precious you are, how loved you are. You are so appreciated. You make me so happy. I love you.

[iamspeakingtoyou]

I wonder if we are attached to different names for a reason. There are many examples of people who had a special connection with more than one person with the same name in their life. I was drawn to somebody with this particular name for years and years, then when that faded into a memory I found you - same name but a whole different person.

I think maybe I was so drawn to the first person because subconsciously, my soul knew it was connected to that name somehow. Getting attached to that person was me desperately trying to find what I subconsciously knew I'd be destined to find one day.

I wonder if you have heard my name before. Maybe you have a previous connection with it, too. That would be very interesting. What I know for sure is that when we meet and we see each other's faces we will feel an instant magnetic pull toward each other. I already feel it to you, but since you don't know me yet, it will be more of a surprise to you. You will recognize me, but not know where from. A dream? A fantasy? Maybe a past life.

Recently there have been many signs coming my way. Signs that I am beginning to find my way to you, and signs that you may already be aware of my existence. You have been thinking about me, subconsciously or consciously, but you still haven't figured out who I am. But I think you know I am near. I think you can feel it.

[iamspeakingtoyou]

I texted you today. I felt that I had to reach out, somehow. How could anything ever happen if I didn’t? I turned to the deck and I pulled The Lovers. Isn’t that a sign? I felt kind of warm and fuzzy, almost nervous. I think maybe you will respond. Maybe I will get to talk to you. Maybe we are soulmates. I have searched for you all my life, my happiness. I am speaking to you. Are you there? 

[iamspeakingtoyou]

are you there?