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iamtheangelofdeath · 1 month

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TW MENTION OF SA

A good chunk of my life has been nothing but Hell,somedays I feel like I deserve it because in my eyes I feel like I’m a terrible person while some I think I didn’t and deserve better

My biological father left me when I was about two or three he abandoned me because he wasn’t ready to be a father despite having around ten kids and maybe more all from different women (I’m the second oldest,I’m 22)

I’d constantly get bullied throughout school also. For being fat. For being ugly. Everything under the sun. Yet I’d get in trouble for sticking up for myself. I had no real friends either and I still don’t which is why I’m always online since I only have online friends

At the age of three or four (bear with me my memory is shit) I’d start getting molested by somebody I trusted (well,my moms best friends father whom I considered to be my grandpa seeing as at the time I didn’t have one.). I can remember every fucking detail and each time it makes me sick. It makes me feel used,if it gets to me too much I’ll take a shower and scrub my skin despite it happening years ago. I remember when I’d be in a room alone and he’d wait…he’d wait for the perfect moment to strike that in question was whenever I’d leave said room whether it be to go use the bathroom or go elsewhere then he’d just stand in the doorway,his fat frame blocking any means of escape though at the time I was skinny so I’d try to get past only for him to grab me and fondle me. His disgusting hands would go up my shirt to touch my flat chest (I remember asking him to help me fix a sports bra I was wearing and he did that as well) or slither down my pants or skirt to touch my vagina through my underwear,how long it’d last I’m not sure though he’d eventually stop. I remember being in their son’s room sitting on the bed playing on their GameCube lo and behold here comes that vile pig only this time he has his flaccid penis hanging out from his fly for my innocent eyes to see,I’m forever grateful that I ran out the room when I did otherwise I’m for sure he would’ve deflowered me right then and there if I just stared at him like a deer in headlights. Another time it finally clicked in my head that what he was doing to me was wrong so when he did it yet again I said “no!” to which he said “yes!”. I can’t wrap my head around how somebody could ruin a child’s innocence. I would eventually tell everyone when I was at my aunts having a panic attack when I was proposed the idea of staying the night at her house with her and her boyfriend (I was afraid he’d do what my abuser did to me even tho he would never do that). We went to court for this only for my case to be dropped due to lack of evidence which I suppose I can understand since words don’t really do much but even then why.

He got to live a life as a free man up until he passed away in 2018 despite what he did to me all while it affected me so bad that I was anxious around men,I oversexualized myself on Kik (which got me groomed by so many sick FUCKS),and honestly I started to wonder if I DID make it up since his family said I was lying (no little kid should know what a grown man’s dick looks like nor should they even know about sex or SA but okay-) that and when his wife asked on his deathbed if he did all that to me he said he didn’t to which she sided with him (I’ll always find it ironic how she swore she’d protect her granddaughter from creeps yet never protected me from her predator of a husband since she was too occupied on the computer or watching reruns of MASH in the living room)The trauma from both getting molested AND getting groomed online was so bad that I’d get hostile with mom (hit her,slap her,berate and cuss at her,tell her I hate her) when I was a little girl all the way ‘til I was around 16-17? I still feel guilt and regret for what I had done. She did so much for me despite being a single mother and giving birth to me when she was still in highschool despite her mother telling her she should abort me and even kicking her out the house to go live on her own n forcing her to quit her job at Dominoes,how she still loves me despite all the turmoil and hell I put her through during that time is beyond me

As for the grooming I’d get groomed by grown men on Kik,some would give me money to send them nudes (I was 15-16 at the time) and some would threaten me into sending them then threaten to show my parents it and blame me for sending them. Some would threaten to rape me,some threatened to dox me,some sent me full blown CP out of nowhere,some would send me dick pics knowing my age,some reassured that the lewd stuff I was doing as a teen was okay it was “hot”,someone said my body looked like the underside of a pig,overall it wasn’t a good experience to say the least. It baffles me how that app is still up especially since CP is a major problem on there and people just trade it like it’s fuckin’ Pokemon cards or some shit either way I fucking hate that app and I hate that most ppl have gotten away with abusing other underaged kids on there-

I genuinely hate that the sexual abuse I endured warped my mind into thinking that sending nudes to random men that I talked to or rped with would make em like me (I did this when I was 18,19 or 20 I don’t remember-) thinking back about it it always makes me feel gross,used and nothing but an object to ogle at.

All my ex partners were horrible in some way or another (I had one leave me after a week in favor of my then at the time best friend,one cheated on me bc I wasn’t comfy with being called mommy,one said he wasn’t using me despite him using me for nudes and to just wank you get it-) BUT the worst one was this sick pedo fuck.

He messaged me asking if I wanted to date him so I got excited and said yes. I should’ve said no.

Keep in mind that I used to age regress in 2019 bare in mind and when he found out I had the gear (adult pacifiers,littleforbig onesies,all that stuff),he’d ask for pictures. Wanted a pic of me with pigtails wearing one of them which at first felt normal until he started asking me to take nasty pics. Most of the time I didn’t want to to which he’d keep pressuring me until I caved in but others I’d do it for the sake of appeasing him since I wanted to be loved. The onesie he made me wear in question looked like this.

Aaaaaanywho I remember once he was making me get off for him and he wanted me to put the dildo I was using on myself in my ass to which I told him no it’d hurt and he kept persisting despite me saying NO because “daddy said so” to which again,I caved in and shoved the large toy inside of my anus that shit hurt so bad but I did it anyway just because I wanted his love and validation. Eventually I started to wonder if he loved me and when I asked he simply sent me memes because he didn’t like confrontation. Oh well,I left him though last year I discovered that he had forced himself onto other people I was friends with on Facebook and did shit like that. Thanks Josiah. Thanks for tainting age regressing for me. Thank you for making me throw out most of my gear because it left a nasty scar.

Nowadays I’m still bitter that everybody on Twt got away with making fun of me for having BPD,anger issues,autism (basically ableism-) and not being comfortable with sharing Dude just because they deem me as a bad person. Making a mockery of me and saying I’m obsessive solely because I’m emotionally connected to Dude. I can’t look at ship art of him or nsfw of him involved with others without feeling sick and betrayed. I know it isn’t canon but still.

I have said some childish n regretful things in the heat of the moment I will gladly own up to it because I’m not gonna excuse my behavior but I’m not a bad person. I’m not a bad person for rightfully getting upset that my boundaries were overstepped and they kept making me uncomfortable despite me telling them to stop to which I’m the bad guy and I apparently start drama (despite them starting it,Twt users loves to cancel people for stupid shit- also funny how the twt Postal fandom “cancelled” me yet it’s hush hush about that person who made a skinhead Dudesona,that weirdo who fetishizes rape n draws gore porn,racists,transphobes/anti lgbt,folks using others for free art,and true crime weirdos that glorify Columbine or say serial killers are cute). I’m not a bad person for worrying about someone’s well being and getting worried that they were getting groomed,I still feel guilty for wrongfully saying the person was a pedo but I apologized to them it’s not like I did it out of malice or spite I was just genuinely worried bc I didn’t want that person to go through the shit I went through. I’m not a bad person for sticking up for myself when that true crime freak was making fun of me (they were insulting me bc of my mental illnesses n took a screenshot of my bio to make fun of it,my autism,my selfshipping and called me fat but all of a sudden it’s bad when I go on pop off on them. Again I went overboard with my “at least my wrists don’t look like this” remark with a screenshot of their SH I know that and I regret it but honestly don’t insult someone and expect them to take kindly to it-). I hate every last motherfucker that abandoned me. I hate Izzy for saying she was my bestie and that she’d never leave me despite her blocking me on every social media platform because she’s nothing but a disgusting pig that wants to be popular and mooches off others for free art. I hate Son Of Satan for defending people making fun of me because in their words “you were acting like you were good and everyone was bad,they were just joking” (using your logic that just means I was joking when I made that SH comment or called your little buddy a fucking clown like what??? I at least owned up to what I did and knew it was wrong meanwhile you’re pulling excuses out your ass to make it seem like you’re a good person when in reality you and everyone that left me behind are nothing but shit stains) and using suicide as a tactic to make me feel guilty (to which it did,looking back I should’ve told them to do it or laughed at them but sadly I have a heart of gold and want to help people despite some not deserving the time of day also they said their parents hated them which I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true because if that failed abortion was my kid I’d hate them too-),I hate their little buddy Chell for playing victim all the fucking time despite being a shit human (I made a post regarding a completely different person once and they somehow thought it was ab them so they sent their white knights to go harass me and make fun of my looks n self shipping also according to them I’m a “pedophile” because I’m telling fatherless teens that probably get bullied at school to leave me the fuck alone (also one of them said “minors can’t harass people” like?? Quit making excuses for being an asshole-),I hate every last one of those motherfuckers. It just felt like a punch in the face when one of my favorite artists said “your behavior was embarrassing” and then I’m pretty sure a post they made on tumblr was about me it was something among the lines of “oh I’m not an obsessive fangirl maybe I would be though in 2007” yadayadayada.

The constant dwelling each and every waking moment,wishing bad upon them,thinking about them in rather horrific situations which isn’t morally right just because I loathe them,how I’d never eat because I was constantly paranoid and if I did I’d just nitpick,how I relapsed and self harmed,how I wasted my tears on people that had long moved on,countless failed suicide attempts because I wholeheartedly believed that that’s what they wanted and that they’d be happy with that decision. It’s not fair. They don’t deserve to be happy or get recognition and all those friends,I DO. I can’t bring myself to forgive them,I really wanted to but I just can’t especially when I went through all of that shit in the span of 4. Fucking. Months.

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