iamthepuppyinyourdreams

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

i dont feel good. i havent made a journal post in a really long time. ive felt a bit nauseous all day. im glad tiny is on her hippo, though. it feels hot in here.

depression and stomach hurting. always always clenching my teeth. not so good at eye contact and my shoulder hurts. so tired

stress of it all hitting me. i miss spencer in my bed.

and the stars are very far now gosh i wish i had to something to jhsay that is worth something

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

taped Him to the back of my boyfriend's phone

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

poem that i wrote

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

a woman gave me this note today after seeing my 777 tattoo

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

here's better

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

get this motherfucker off me

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

me and Thomas

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

heyyyhi heyyyyyy

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

i wonder if the xf writers ever realized that their refusal to make msr explicitly romantic or sexual was actually the thing that made the ship so widely popular and revolutionary.

like, because they wanted mulder and scully to be the core of the show but they didn’t want to make their relationship a relationship, they showed them doing other things to signify closeness — such as working as a team, respecting each other, choosing each other over everything, supporting each other unconditionally, and growing together. there was no unnecessary flirtatious comments, no unreasonable jealousy, no sexualization of scully. the dynamic they presented didn’t have the power imbalance that was associated with heterosexual relationships, and scully’s characterization lacked most of the key components that a female romantic lead would normally have. because they left out all of those things, they assumed that the fanbase wouldn’t see scully as his love interest, because she was presented in an entirely un-sexual way.

but their mistake was in their neglect of acknowledging the female audience: women who had always wanted a romantic relationship with teamwork and mutual respect and unconditional support and love. women who did not see themselves as sexualized or even conventionally attractive, and who saw scully, strong and career focused and not afraid of butting heads, as what they wanted to be. women who saw mulder and scully determinedly portrayed as equals who cared deeply about each other with no condescension or objectification, both of them portrayed as actual people, and went absolutely insane, because that was what they wanted more than anything and no love story before had ever felt so profound and real.

so as the writers (read: chris carter) were creating a dynamic without objectification and sexualization in an attempt to take the focus completely off of romance, the female fans were watching this dynamic and perceiving it as the absolute height of romance, because it lacked the male perspective that they saw everywhere else. the writers were saying this isn’t a romance, and the female viewers were saying then you have no idea what romance is.

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, The Six Types of Boundaries

[iamthepuppyinyourdreams]

it's sunday and we are in the frankfurt airport after a small flight from dresden. the trip has gone so much better than expected, mostly because i've been with kissie, my mom, and grannie, and we all get along great. my mom loosely plans everything out ahead of time so its a lot less stressful. i have no idea how this upcoming week in norway is going to be, but im excited for the countryside.

i wish i had been consistently writing this week but honestly i havent had time, and whenever i Have had time ive been too tired and jetlagged. at night i get a bit uncomfortable and homesick, especially because of my neck and back pain, but its been survivable. berlin was cool, okay, but i really loved dresden. the moment we got off the train it felt different, it was comforting. i immediately thought of spencer and wanting to travel to dresden with him, although the thought makes me stressed. i dont know how it would be to travel with him.

it scares me when spencer talks about our future together because i am so unsure and i cannot commit to something like that. we are so young, i can't help but fear signing my life away to one person, especially knowing the fate of my relatives who married quickly and at a young age. but i love him and im excited to see how we develop. he annoys me often, but i do think its important to find someone to annoy you for the rest of your life. we line up in so many ways, its insane. i never ever ever thought it would be like this. we are still taking things slow, slower than my past relationships perhaps, but maybe quick in relation to other people? im not sure. how do you pick one person in this big world to be Your person? what happens when it doesn't work out? it's scary, really. i am trying to be honest with myself though and know that i don't know if i will marry or want to marry spencer, and i dont know how long we will even be together. i dont have this inner knowing, like i did with kayla and john, that our relationship will be impermanent, but of course i still sit in this big unknown. i guess its best to not think about it-- what happens, happens, and will be the right path for us.

i have so many thoughts in my brain i could write for hours. im trying to recall things weve done in germany so far. best of all i think is getting to spend time with grannie and laugh and hear her stories. shes genuinely interested in my life which i really appreciate. we walked a LOT in berlin, and went to many restaurants. there was a balcony cafe we went to which was lovely! it looked over the city and wrapped around the building. we went to another cafe which was a bit dingy inside but very comforting. the waitress was canadian and it was refreshing to talk to someone from north america.

we had dinner with grannie's friend, josie, and it was cool to hear perspectives about many things from a young european. now that we have gone from berlin, however, it feels really far away. i remember better the small hotel in dresden, and how the cleaners barged into our room to clean while i had no shirt on, without taking no for an answer. we had italian food and steak while in dresden, and there was a time when it rained when we walked home, after the "cheeseburgers" , and we laughed the whole way home. the rain is comforting.

ive been listening to a ton of swans and i like it a lot. i also listened to amnesiac on the train from berlin to dresden which was nice. german is a cool language.