iancarlmahawan

[iancarlmahawan]

"This story revolves around the event of the lowest point in my life and my experiences during those times."

It all started in the third month of the year 2020 when the Philippines is starting its first COVID-19 lockdown. At the time it didn’t really bother me when the schools were shut down, because at that time I thought “nice ka walay klase”. My peers and I were very happy because all of our pending tasks to be passed during our class were canceled and we were sent home because of the nationwide lockdown, meaning we have more time to relax and enjoy our stay at home. During that time I have a relationship with someone that is still going strong and we continued it during the lockdown without knowing that a storm is brewing and is making its way like a wrecking ball. 3 months have passed and all the stress of staying in the house is appearing, even though there isn’t a main stressor at that time only the sound of *bang* *bang* *bang* *ratatat* of my parent’s mouth and the only thing I know that is bothering me is the thought of being alone without the presence of my friends around me. June, this is the start of my trip down the ladder and into the start of my lowest point. Things started going sideways between me and my relationship, like all relationships, there is a certain point in time that your conversation will start getting cold and you feel like it wasn’t like before, and ours wasn’t different. Our conversation was always cut short and I feel like we were just making excuses not to talk to each other by saying we got up late or that we did something and were just busy. My problems started to pile up and with the upcoming of her birthday, things weren’t going any better. 

Two weeks in July before her birthday I already started racking my brain and shaking it round and round in search of a birthday gift along with the thought that I was still here and is ready to fix our problems. I didn’t ask her what she wants because we still weren’t going along well and I was afraid to ask, I was thinking of a necklace with a hidden message while wearing it but I settled for a cake and balloons because she mentioned that she isn’t preparing food for her birthday.  

The day came, and carrying my gifts and the gifts I am carrying I stood outside their house waiting for her. She was surprised when she opened their gates and I was glad because it was a long time since she was happy together with me. When I came home our conversation went well and it was starting to look like we were back, a big sigh of relief was released knowing that I fix it somehow. But boy was I wrong. After our monthsary passed, that day we didn’t do anything special nor talked because she said she wasn’t feeling like it a surge of butterflies came fluttering in my stomach, and thought this isn’t going to end well. Sure enough a few days have passed we cut and separated ways because I couldn’t take it anymore I did not leave her and she did not leave me we just agreed together to cut ways.  

The following days and months, I felt the weight of all my problems in my back, I felt that the days are just repeating. Days to hours, hours to minutes, and minutes to seconds. Things were blurry and dark I felt down always even with the company of my friends around me things weren’t going any better. But making a stupid mistake like that just can’t sit in my mind idly and I started talking again to her and her talking back to me like nothing had ever happened between us. January came in the new year of 2021, not gonna lie it was the worst new year I have ever celebrated because in that day it was supposed to be our anniversary we talked thing out but didn’t really made any mutual progress and it was just full of rubbish.  

Days after that I just ignored her and kept my feelings to my self and myself to my feelings. But still I talked to her because we promised we would still be friends. We graduated and I decided to transfer schools without saying a proper goodbye. Things got even more worse for me because of the new environment in my new school and not to mention the pile of schoolwork I have to pass in each of the subjects. October in the year 2021, there was this show that I really loved named “arcane” based on one of my favorite video games called League of Legends and as a fan of this gold of a series I wanted to talk to someone about how great this show is but no one had watched it yet. And to my surprise, she was also watching the show and is a fan of the series. I quickly messaged her and shared our thoughts about it. Months passed we were still talking and thought to myself maybe this time we can get back together and fix things to the things they were. I maintained my presence till December that year because I was still hoping. A weight was lifted in my back. After Christmas, she started going cold again but I still maintained it until January 1 so that I can tell her again “that can we maybe fix this”. New year came, it was just like last year, full of rubbish. That day I started saying my goodbyes for real this time and I told her that I will not bother her again and that she can live easy now that she can’t cry because of me. January was a good month I started letting go slowly but surely even though there is still a new semester to survive I felt great knowing that I am moving on.  

I was invited by my close girl-friend in my peers to her debut. And even though she was going to be there also, I am confident that I will be just fine. February 25 was the day of her debut and sure enough she was there but she was looking a little bit sad and down maybe it was because of the fact that I was also there but maybe I was just imagining things and that there is no way she is still thinking about me. When I got home after I fixed myself, I went straight to bed because it was an exhausting day. *Ting* A messenger message notification alarmed me just when I was preparing to go to sleep. I was surprised when I opened my phone because it was her who messaged me after 2 months. She said that she still got feelings for me I was flattered and don’t know what to say. I said, “what now?” she said “there is no what now”, she said that she just said she still likes me but has no plans on going to a relationship again. I was really confused but happy at the same time knowing that we can share our days again. Fast forward to September this year, 2022. I can’t help but question myself if this is the right thing to do, chase someone who has clearly no intentions of going into a relationship again but still likes me. Because in the past months it has been a wave of emotions and we were just repeating things again and again, over and over.