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ianscomajournal · 8 years

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2.28.17

I know it's been a while since I've done this (literally over a month) but I want to start back up and be consistent. I'm going to catch up everything that happened in the last month and a half. I am now in a romantic exclusive relationship with Angela and Allison hates me. I honestly could not see me and her getting together and staying together even though I know she really cared for me and certainly almost love me. We don't talk anymore and we haven't for about a week now but it is what it is. I feel somewhat bad for kind of leaving her like that but I see a future with Angela. Not the preferred super ABC Christian way but I know we'll both come around to acting right. Yvonne knows that me and Angela are romantically involved but she still likes me and doesn't care about my involvement with her.m as far as not trying to have sex or kiss me but I know she hates knowing that a position she's always wanted to hold in my life is now given to someone else. For the most part we're still the same old us though.

Today I woke up cleaned the kitchen and my room. Sold some acne shorts on grailed, signed up for seeking arraignments because the time limit for me to start classes is coming soon. If I can put some sugar mama/daddy money on my credit card I would be so grateful. Hopefully it works and I can finesse but not too confident in it. Just focused on putting a rack on my card as soon as I get my returns. I also have work 5-10 today at TJ Maxx so I'm gonna keep going there and start looking for another job as well in the mean time.

Work was fine, I'm slowly starting to get closer to the majority of my coworkers but for some reason these two guys are sus and somewhat assholes. I don't trust them but everyone else seems somewhat genuine. There is this one girl that got the cake boss 🍑. I was thinking of flirting with her but I don't wanna do that to Angela even though I have a feeling I'll end up doing it. Also during work Yvonne sent me her bio for SA and I'm gonna copy it and make adjustments when I get home. Got out around 9:46. Me and Yvonne got into a little argument because I thought she was on bars but she was just tired and slurring her words

Me and Allison talked it out and she's still mad at me but agreed to be friends. I think this time it's gonna be cool as us being friends but when she come to nyc we'll see what happens. 100% rather be with Angela

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ianscomajournal · 8 years

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1.4.17

I'm sleeping horribly again I woke up at 5 am and was falling in and out of sleep until finally getting a good 45min of rest and waking up at 10 am. I have a bit much to do today so I gotta get on the ball and handle that. But first....breakfast! I'm broke as ever so I'm gonna have to make a fried egg with peppers and onions.

While on the train I went through my Pocket App and started reading old articles I saved and I stumbled on this one article about how this guy describing his experience with acute schizophrenia. He slept in his own piss but thought he went to the bathroom and stabbed himself in the heel to make sure he was still alive and could feel pain. It was very insightful and made me look at mental illness a little more seriously, I think if I read more articles about it I'll start getting a better understand and being more sensitive to it.

After getting to Starbucks (school) I started watching the new skate video I found on hypebeast called "Dany" I can't even tell you any info about it because I didn't read the description but it took place in NYC and was shot VHS style. VHS is very played out but for some reason, this video felt almost...refreshing? It was well put together, after that I moved on to watching that the minimalism movie I didn't finish and it was very corny but somewhat interesting. I like to think of myself as a borderline minimalist as far as my personal style but their whole lifestyle was minimal for example only having like one chair and a desk in the dining area. It was ridiculous in my opinion but it made them happy so hey it’s not my place to give my opinion right?

I sent Yvonne that article about the acute schizophrenia and she loved it and I think she’s starting to notice my progression on being more open and sensitive to the subject. While sending her that, Allison text me super upset about her situation and how she's not happy and I guess its easier for me to help her since Yvonne would show me how to go about helping someone not feeling good about their situation. I basically told her to break it down as to why she feels this way and what is causing it then act accordingly to make it better. Allison is really liking me and I can lowkey see me with her for while but I already told Yvonne crazy ass that I wanna be with her. After the next week, I’m gonna start plotting the demise lol. Nigga, i need an out

Went to go get pizza then walked back to the other Starbucks I hate going to, right next to the nyu apartments because theres never any seats but I found one and as I talked to Allison some more on the phone. looked up a git video and didn't even pay attention. there was the baddest white girl in there omg her body was so popping. I slowly started getting ready to go home and when I got home I ate a ramen noodle and nothing else really. Didn't even take a shower just fell asleep but I did work out.

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ianscomajournal · 8 years

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1.3.17

Didn't sleep that good, woke up at around 7:40 and didn't get out of bed till about 8:20. I was dreading going to get the laundry for my aunt but it wasn't that bad it was in and out.

(I'm really happy that I deleted my social networks because it doesn't even tempt me to look and I get to plan so much of my day out. I'm starting to think this is the only way for me to be productive)

After getting ready for what my aunt thinks is "school" I head to Starbucks and ended up finishing this documentary Angela recommended called "13th". It was sooooo good. I loved it, it was about SJ issues coinciding with the mass incarceration and the whole crooked jail system. I told at least like 3-4 people about it. Super good!! I started writing out a plan to get my credit card balance down and it looks like if I can make a thousand in 6 weeks I'll be somewhat good. All of that depends on Kevin (manager at TJ Max) if he's gonna tell my aunt I'm working again since I'm not in school but since she's supposed to think I'm going to school this could potentially fuck me all the way up. I'm gonna beg him to help me out and just let me work here until I can get out of this huge debt. It's 2 pm and I'm waiting in the break room for him. Please God let him agree to not tell

It's lit boy!!!! He promised to not tell my aunt and they're gonna call me tomorrow with the schedule. I'm kinda of happy but also lowkey sus about it because I hope he doesn't tell. I know today I'm writing like an idiot but I'm just not feeling today besides getting the job back.

Currently, in Starbucks fake studying and just looking at grailed and random documentaries on minimalism. I can't seem to shake the feeling of shedding everyone I was friends with even though they care about me a lot I just feel like I’m trying to educate myself as much as I can and they’re being stagnant and still the same old same old “gonna be with mommy and daddy forever” and not wanting to explore. Its been on the back of my mind for the longest and I've asked about 3 people how to go about talking to Jay already and it seems like the best thing to do is wait till I see him in person. How he can have no ambition whatsoever and not want to do anything with his life but sit down watch ESPN, play PlayStation and stock sneakers at DICKS all day I’ll never understand. My thoughts right now are that we’re growing apart mentally and career-wise. Maybe I’m not being the best Christian I should be and maybe he's a better Christian than I am but I know that I’m now trying my best to accomplish my goals and get everything accomplished and its been too long for him to be doing the same thing over and over. I wanna see us grow together and still be cool because he’s one of the only people I can be myself around and act a complete fool and him won't judge me.

Ate grapes and a banana with some chips for dinner. For some reason, I’m not that hungry but I also did my nightly workout, posted some shoes and a sweater on gailed and I’m feeling good about today it was really productive. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about how no social media has been keeping me productive and I really hope I can find a medium where I can enjoy social media while being as productive as I am now.

One last thought before I fall asleep, I spoke to Yvonne today and she’s still on some lazy shit. Just buying groceries and cooking and I understand that can really help with her anxiety and depression but cmon get it together like do you think you’re just gonna jump into school and know anything if all you do is draw and cook and sleep every single day. It just pisses me off knowing Allison is way more productive than she and self-reflect so much I love it. Like if I tell her anything about herself she’ll fix it immediately. I just hope one day Yvonne will get out of this lazy ass slump because I’m getting annoyed having to motivate her ass and I don’t know if it’s simply about being from the south since Jay suffers from the same nonchalant attitude but damn. It pisses me off so much. But whatever I’m gonna try and watch this documentary “Minimalism” on Netflix before I fall asleep.

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ianscomajournal · 8 years

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1.2.17

Had to spend the night with my little cousin, Madison's room. When I woke up I felt overtly happy for some odd reason. I reached to go check my social networks then remembered I deleted them all. Need some time away from everyone, need time for people to miss me, need time to clear my head. So I'm going to try my best and not get on social media until march. After noticing my social media apps were gone, I went straight to my "pocket" app that saves articles that you see but don't have time to read at that moment. I read two articles, one named "Asian privilege" and "how to read more books". The read more books basically said download e-books which I refuse to do because I need a physical copy for the full experience of reading I just love be able to flip through pages and needing a bookmark. The other article about Asian privilege was probably the most racist article I've ever read which used to be the first article that comes up when you search "Asian privilege" it talked about basically Asians being more prominent in medical and engineering fields as well as them not getting profiled as much as latinx's or blacks but at the same time it insinuated that Asians cannot be victimized or experience racism. It was kind of sad especially if this was a POC. Every minority has its privileges and to basically argue about who has it worse is a waste of time. All minorities should come together and acknowledge and try and change the discrimination they face. Other than that I played 2K again all day while my cousin went on a job interview. And I know I said I see a lot of how I used to act in him but this nigga I a spoiled brat, by all means, he won't even show his parents his grades because I'm pretty sure he failed and he doesn't care at all. Man this nigga annoys me I really wanna slap some sense into him but his parents have enabled him so much that he's one of those people that will have to find out through experience.

Texting Yvonne all day about the whole Amanda dumb ass, that girl is kind of destroying us and I know Yvonne thinks something is up even though we never did anything and I don’t know how to convince her but I'm guessing she’ll get over it or stop thinking about it as much if she sees me and Amanda not contacting each other anymore. on the other hand, I really hope me and her work out but if my parents ever met her they would probably murder me and also disown me and I think about that at least once a day. Hopefully, she can move here and we can just be what we always should’ve been

Just got off the phone with my sister and it felt so good to talk to her I don’t know what it was but something just said call her while I was walking home from the train station. We talked about how Jordan is so spoiled and thinks he’s poppin’ and has a rude awakening coming his way but what I mostly took away from the conversation was how I have to pursue my dreams and what I know is good for me. We mostly talked about just explaining to my mom that I no longer want to stay in texas and how NYC is for me at the moment. it's a place where I see fit to forward my career and get where I need to be for the next couple years. Now that I know exactly what I need to do its all about execution and I'm ready for that. My mom will soon have to realize that I have to pursue what I feel is right and best for me. I know it’ll take very long for her to come to grips with me not being there anymore.

Texting Yvonne about her dad walking her down the aisle at her wedding and it made me think about how bad I really wish he was in her life as a supportive and helping dad. I know she has problems with her mom but if she's anything like her mom, I know her mom would follow the man's lead and if he's a good man everything would just work out for the better.

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ianscomajournal · 8 years

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1.1.17

Wanted to start this off because not only do I want to document my days to measure progression and growth but I need to write more about everyday things. Give some time to myself to reflect on how the day was and the people around me are but not only to reflect on them and the day but myself. I feel like I deserve this and owe it to myself and I'm not focusing on grammar just trying to get my thoughts out.

Besides waking up from a wax coma and feeling drowsy and groggy the whole day. Today was a typical New Year's Day, I stayed at my cousin Jordan's house all day and played video games. That might not seem like a lot and it wasn't but I enjoyed being with my family and I know they enjoyed my company. Earlier my aunt literally wanted me to clean a wild amount of dishes just because I ate one thing off the plate. I don't wanna be petty or irrational but she literally does this all the time. Like you really have two other children that you spoil to death and whenever I come over you want me to do some wild work like "if you're staying here you have to clean like the rest of us" it was one dish bro cmon I'm not gonna clean 30 dishes because your sink was dirty before I even made a plate. YOU'RE BUGGING!

Anyway, later that day we went out to eat at a pretty decent steakhouse. I was promising myself I would cut out the red meat but I couldn't keep my eyes off the steak and shrimp that my uncle recommended. So I'll start tomorrow haha. I and my uncle really talked about a lot of his trips to Europe and to the Caribbean. Out of all my family members he is the most cultured as far as traveling and being open to ideas is concerned even though he did mock this Asian man at the table across from us who was slightly loud speaking in his native tongue and it kinda rubbed me the wrong way but I realized he's still old and little racist remarks like that are inevitable with older immigrants. After that happened we went over our goals and my goal was simply to get out of where I'm staying now and have my own place while being financially stable by the end of the year. I thought that was a pretty big goal for me and then my uncle goes "I'm gonna try and make a million dollars this year"... He says he's never done it but he's gotten close and I'm like damn this guy literally makes so much money and he's also like really humble compared to the money he has. After that, my little cousin Jordan (who is 18 now) had one goal and it was "to live until 2018". I'm like nigga you can't be serious that's all you have? I guess I can't blame him because his parents are rich and he has 0 responsibility. I just wish he had more ambition but at his age, I didn't care about anything besides girls and parties. I just wish he wasn't like me when I was his age because I see every ounce of it, even from the attitude towards my parents and the nonchalant demeanor. My aunt was getting annoyed because my uncle looks like he belongs in the NFL (and he constantly gets asked if he does) and she was giving us stories about how he was hanging around all these NFL players in some wild island near Antigua because he's a really successful stock broker and I guess he just knows rich people lol. But she was talking about how he gets so geeked and almost even blushes when he's around them and she was just rolling her eyes the whole time looking at him while he was laughing and getting so happy just playing those memories in his head. This reminded me of how me and Yvonne are whenever I would talk cocky about what designer stuff I had on and how I thought I was so fly because even though my aunt or Yvonne might be annoyed in this situation, they kinda just let us have that little burst of happiness and let us shine while they smile, roll their eyes and say "omg you're so annoying".

Got back to my uncles' house later that night and everything went back to normal. Everyone went in their rooms and did their own thing. I personally went into my cousins' room just played 2k and talked to my friends all night.

#jan1

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