icantfailanymore

[icantfailanymore]

I was looking at an old video of a bp video and damn i looked good tbh. I was peobably only lile 113lbs but still i looked alot slimmer. Cant wait to be back at that weight. I forgot to bring my scale to my new place and i havnt checked my weight in some time and a lil scared honestly, i hope im not over 120 at least. Its kinda sad cause i use to be afraid of going over 115 and now here i am :/ its only 5lbs but it feels like a ton more...haha no pun intended. Heres the vid btw its probably just a really good angle but still i dont think ide look the same if i took the same video at the same angle

[icantfailanymore]

7-14-19

So today I started moving into one of my best freinds place ans it really feels like a fresh start im a lil on edge cause usually things dont work for me. Like 95% of the time actually :/ but so far so good and things are looking up. My bf left the saturday at 2am for alaska for a week which sucks but im glad i have all these postive changes and distractions c: i think i can do better with my eating now too. Saturday I had matcha (310cals) for breakfast then at dinner i had Gatorade(340cals) 2 drumstcks (200cals) corn muffin (175cals) brownie (135cals) baked potato(180cals) which was hefty dinner but i had a looong day at work i was starving and sad about my bf but even still i only ate 1340 cals. Then today was even better. I had matcha (310cals) and then half of a turkey blta (310cals) and caffe latte (160cals) and chips (170cals) from panera now im going to bed so i only had 950cals i almost cant belive it. Tomorrow im unpacking and maybe goin to the store with my roommate so I'm hyped but tuesday i have work😒 not hyped about that but in october apparently were being switched a smaller location thank god so itll be easier to run. Low key might try and find a new job though. Theres alot i want to write about kinda unrelated so i think ima start journaling again. Not sure if i should get a new journal or use my old one

[icantfailanymore]

things that made me stop wanting to die that require no effort whatsoever

change the color used to highlight text on your laptop

move the pictures on your wall

stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all

slightly vary your commute, even just by one street

change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed

drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real

shower with the lights off, without music

buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room

start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing

wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night

listen to the entirety of your favorite album from 2015

[icantfailanymore]

I was feelin kinda cute today but i had to go to the mall to grab something i left at my job and today was like the 2nd time i noticed some fuckin girl with an amazing model perfect body. Like i try to tell myself i shouldnt compare myself to fuckin instagram models and magazines but then i just see everyday people having these thin tan but still curvey bodies with perfect flawless skin and its so fuckin discouraging, just knowing that ill only ever be below average. When my bf compliments me saying i have a nice body and that he loves it i just think like "really? Have you seen every other girl?" Whenever i start to feel good about myself like "you know what i have a p nice body actually" i just see some average girl with an amazing figure and think , ya nm if my bf thinks this is a good body he should see hers. These are some pics from today, i took alot but these were my most flattering ones and i need to see myself from good angles atm :,/

[icantfailanymore]

anyone else get really self conscious when someone else eats less than you?

[icantfailanymore]

[icantfailanymore]

“I don’t get this aesthetic?��

Then you’re lucky

[icantfailanymore]

1-24-19: 1200 cals

I couldnt eat all day from my tummy cramps i could barely even sleep last night, all i could manage was a banana and a small glass of milk, i might eat more today but idk. Also my last weight freakout when i was 127lbs the scale wasnt working and so i took out the batteries and put them back in amf thats when it read 127lbs well after barely eating for 2 day i went to check and the same thing happened and the scale read 124lbs and i got super upset but then decided to recheck and it read 119.9 which is still a big fucking sucky but i think last time my weight was actually probably like 123 or somethin. EDIT: I had sushi n still stayed in my limit uwu

[icantfailanymore]

1-23-19: 1200

So i hecked up yesterday by not eating until after my workout at lile 6 or 7pm and then inhaled mac n cheese and turkey dog mix, my stomach has been cramping for 2 days now and i can barely walk. Not much of an apitite but im worried i fucked and fucked up my metabolism

[icantfailanymore]

6-22-19: 1650cals

Today was a nicer day, my bf makes bad days good days alot. Ive never had such a shitty day and still be able to smile and laugh by the end of it. Today i slept in a bit but woke up and had a turkey dog. Then my bf got off work hella early so we had extra time to hang out before he had to go to his other job. He came home and said he wanted to swim or just do something so we snuck into an apartment complex to use their pool which was fun we played games and jokes around then we went back ate cheese cake with strawberries and watched friends naked cause our cloths were wet from swimming and then we fucked, which is like the 4th or 5th day in a row which is crazy even with my ex who i dated for 2 years i had more self control with but idk i just love my bf so much and i have so much lust for him i just lose control. After that he had to go i think he almost was running a few minutes late. I took a long ass nap and now I'm here, its almost 8:30 and i imagine he wont be home til 11ish, im just waiting for him now hoping i dont eat before or after he gets home cause i could be content with 1250cals.

[icantfailanymore]

Yesterday was such a shit day,.i didnt even bother gollowing my diet after, ill try to do beyter but fuck man, i was gonna recycle cans cause im broke af and we hurried to get there fore they closed, traffic was suuper bad and bug stressy, we got there 15min before they closed and the guy just said they're outta money, so then i went to pick up my car from my bfs work AND IT WAS FUCKING TOWED just because it was a fucking foot out of the parking space in a parking lot "the car was blocking "traffic"" it was absolute bs and we went to go pick it up and the PD was closing so i struggled to get ahold of my mom cause she knew the licence and we got ahold of her less then 15min before they closed, so the lady confirmed was towed and that tge only way we could get it is to cime back when tgey arnt closing with my moms bf cause he techinically still owns the car and then she informed us itll be $203 charge PLUS up to $250 for the fucking tow, oh and then my brother let me know my dad was taking me off his phone plan and didnt even bother letting me know, im so fucking broke rn and my bf has been covering for me through all this bullshit so i feel guilt as shit

[icantfailanymore]

6-21-19: 1700cals

Bad day ate mucho much idec