icanthearit-blog

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But, Why?

I think I’ve reached a startling new point in my life where I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing matters. Your location, your circumstances it all comes down to yourself. And if you’re a shitty person then. Well. Kudos my friend. Nothing but changing your entire existence is going to help you. No ones going to want to be around a negative person. And if positivity makes you negative. What are you going to do. Nothings fun. Nobody talks to you because you don’t talk to them. Living with the delusion that things could be; no will be better if you lived elsewhere, had more money, had more freedom. It changes nothing. At the end of the the day you don’t know why you’re doing anything. You don’t understand people. People don’t get along with you. Noone has a shared interest. There isn’t much of a reason to anything. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean you have to go to the bother of killing yourself but really, whats the point of doing anything. You go out. Supposedly to have fun. You don’t. So why. You don’t do anything wrong. To be a good person. Why? You’re not getting anything out of not doing something that’s arbitrarily but not morally wrong. It all puts you in a subset. A subset of a subset of a subset that effectively means fuck you. I literally don’t have much to look forward to. And I couldn’t care anymore. Just putting it here for this record of progression into mental decline.

[icanthearit-blog]

Yes and No

Life is where you get to say yes and no to things. In a fair world you get to say yes and no. It might not be fair for most people but it is a just and fair world for me. I am given all the opportunities in the world. I squander but that's the beauty of free choice. But then there's the insignificant choices that you stay up at night thinking about. Those little things where you could've said yes to your friends. That's what comes back to me the rest of the 4 months of my life when I'm not living. Those months were its just existing. Free choice becomes none for lack of offers. I'm obliged to say yes. Because what if's are naggy things when you have too much time

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Daydreaming

We’re back here again. Here. It’s not been the best of days. Not for a long time. I ask why. And I don’t have an answer. I don’t know. It just feels. Futile. But the last 2 days haven’t felt like that. Somethings different. I hope its the turning tide. But I wish I could go back. Go back to when living in my head with all the possibilities was the best time. Because sure, it might not happen now but who knows, someday. Someday I’ll get that band of friends together and make the music I’ve always wanted to make. Someday I’ll not have to make up those conversations I’ve always wanted to have about the things that I love dearly and hear something impressive and endearingly adorable. Someday every useless forray into culture and knowledge would come to fruition. That someday I’ll be just that bit smarter than I am instead of getting duller as the sunsets. Up in the skies I lived. Unbelievably implausible. Yes. Until I got out into the world. I no longer believe in daydreams. Until tonight where I did it unbeknownst to my batshit nutcase of a mind, I did feel much happier. Pulling stories to the faces I see. Making them say what could possibly be interesting. Entire conversations. Clearly. Delusions. But for the longest time I did that to fall asleep. The what ifs, let me pass the day. Never in the what if’s would I have thought any one of those things would happen. And it has. It’s just. I messed it up so bad that I don’t believe in Daydreams. This has rambled too much.

[icanthearit-blog]

Dimension Zero

The past month has been rough. Rationalizations have been tested. Many have been crumbled down. I’ve identified key flaws in my constructs. The repetitive patterns. I say that I made progress but clearly it’s just forgetting a vicious cycle of mental resolve. I’m unlikely to break that mold. It’s not that I won’t try. I’ll just forget and then it’s back to square one. I need to change myself to the point where it’s impossible to recognize the psyche that has constantly managed to build up fantasies that never are fulfilled. The disappointments for these are irrational and frankly idiotic. The self pity needs to stop. The thoughts need to stop. The ideologies, or lack thereof that determine my world view needs to change. Optimism. The will to succeed. All things I need to find. To give up cynicism. To give up everything I hold dear to this point in life. Everything I’ve found interesting and wanted to replicate. That needs to stop. By the act of trying to replicate it. I’ve fucked myself over. I need to stop doing this too. Coming here and writing a post so that I can feel better. Clearly this is not working. Something done at night isn’t going to change anything. You have to stop. You have to come to terms with who you are. Why play guitar when you don’t know what you’re doing, when you don’t enjoy it anymore. Sure you have nothing better to do with your life at all. No one wants anything to do with someone who has no grasp of reality. Time is a commodity. Not something to have ad infinitum. I don’t have much use for it. It always comes back to that. Life isn’t fair but if I had less time i’d complain about not having enough time. So let’s change something that’s been a very present part of my life. Something I decided to foster even after the numerous disappearances. With varying personas. I only remembered this a few nights ago. If I hadn’t deleted that interaction, I’d have more proof. Proof of the evolution of the habit. Old habits die hard. I haven’t changed a day in 4 years besides get darker. But I think it’s better if it dies. Atleast till I can try to figure out what I have to work with. Truly being who I am. No reprieve. Being forced to reach out. Grow a fucking pair and reach out. Sure no one likes a person that begs. But it’s not begging if you’re just reaching out. Is it okay if I disappear for a while?

[icanthearit-blog]

Experience.

Things are changing. Life is different from what it used to be. Adult life. No, just life. Everything needs experience these days. The older you get the more important that is. Being young and not having any experience is fine. But getting older everyday and having nothing done that you can write down as experience is the worst thing I can think about right now because even if I get through this point in life, I can’t progress any further and secure any  concrete sense of value in it just because of that little link in the chain that I lack. It gets harder since I’m not even in the game yet. People are starting this well before I even gave a passing glance at my own future. How in the good golly gosh goodness am I going to compete with that while I’m not coming in with the best capacity. Not being blessed with the grace of sheer talent to cover my posh rearend in a cut-throat world with nothing to show anyone of what I can bring to the table is combustion in the coolant.

[icanthearit-blog]

Blank Space

You're not going to figure anything out. You're not going to realise dreams you've never had. Just keep going. Day in. Day out. It's all a converging vector field. Get through it. Piece by piece. Don't rely on people. Don't talk about it. It won't help. Faith could get you a long way. Finding it is hard. Find it. Maybe. Getting through the hypocrisy or just simply finding your own way of coming to terms with it.

[icanthearit-blog]

2014

Hey. Its the last day of the year. I haven't studied at all for the exams that start in a week. Poor sod. He'll fail miserably. Very miserably. But that's neither here nor there. What is relevant here is a summation of my year.

One thing I must admit now is that I am not sure of where exactly my year started. The beginnings of lethargy, or was I already completely in its claws. To be honest I don't know and I don't care. Because in retrospect the year itself has been a massive waste. I have obtained no life skills. Nothing that could go toward making me a better person. Nor has it made me a more employable individual. In fact its done more to make me a worse human being. I went and looked on Twitter. What I did on New Years Eve was hang out with some friends that I'd not seen in a long time. And after that I spent the beginning of the year with what could be considered my best friend. The guys been with me a long way, we don't talk about feelings and ilk. We do share alot of interests and that's just it. 2014 has fewer moments of him because he left that month. This month saw me do more social things than I did in the next 6 months. Mostly it was saying yes to things. Anything. I think I was bum depressed. I definitely was. On-wards with the year and I don't remember much. Other than the things that I've tweeted about I don't have any triggers that bring out any other things I've done in the year. Nothing. At all.

This makes me realise how exactly important twitter has been in my life the past year. The things I put there or the things I take pictures of are the things that I will remember by myself. That they are the only things I could remember. Even without this. Twitter has been my constant companion. A constant output for madness and witticisms. It doesn't have everything. Definitely not the sad bits. But just enough to supplement my jittery memories to filling the gaps. It's not enough but you can piece the things together somehow.  This post is not going how I expected it to go. I haven't talked about any disappointment specifically. I haven't gone into details of each month as I started with January. The fact is. As uneventful as this year has been. So much has happened. You can't share everything with a person you meet after the fact can you. I've never given thought to this. You want to but you can't. It's the same thing with telling someone who you are and what you love. It's hard. Things I'm Proud of Doing this Year -Being less bitter about things. Sure I'll miss out on a lot of things that by divine providence will never happen again. But I've come to terms with some of it and I'm really proud of that. - Discovering what "Just hanging out for no reason other than the joy of their company" is.  Finding friends that I can do this with. Or maybe it was getting the independence to do so. This has made me happy. -Understanding how everything leads to something good. For one thing I think its worked for the past 3 months. I have been the happiest I've been in the entire year this last month. Other people might have been quantitatively happier. After all, happiness is a competition. -Trying to have a relationship. I asked someone out on a date. In typical fashion I have no idea what happened. Was it a date?  I wound up hanging with her and her friend who tagged along for a pretty fun day and I missed a huge cue later on apparently. I see her and her friends treat me like I've been inducted into their circle. I have to wait till next semester to find out what exactly is up there. -Putting the finger on this long series of odd conversations I've been having on and off all the time with this one person. I think this one is the one defining thing I've done the whole year. I've kept talking to an absolute stranger for 7 years. And in the 7 years. She's changed. I've changed. In the beginning I don't remember what we talked about.  After a minor year long disappearing act, it was about anything. Absolutely anything. Not about ourselves though. Just anything about anything. Then it was about books. She got me into reading good books. Not that I didn't read anything good on my own. In zero gravity a little push can set you careening off into infinity. That's a general setter on how impressionable I was and still am.  Another disappearing act later its completely about movies and TV. My tastes have never been more warped than this. That was the entirety of this year. Great TV and movies. This time around we started talking about things. About things in our lives. Little things. Its gotten more and more to the point that a day we don't talk at all has been rarer and rarer. And now its just everyday things. Nothing fancy and philosophical. Stupid things. Its become a chronicle of day to day life. We haven't talked in person in 7 years. And that wasn't much beyond an introduction I think. But then this year she came to town and literally invited me to things. A game night with her family. Who were suprised she had friends. Lunch. A weekend on a Yatch. None of these things were things I've done. The yatch thing I didn't get to do. Unfortunately due to parental constraints. The weird thing was that it wasnt weird. It was just normal. Pleasant. As a non-entity I am an ever present personality. And that. THAT. Is what I've put my finger on. No definitions. Just people that talk alot. No need to answer who is she to you. A friend. Just like everyone else. And that. Has been 2014. A year in conversations chronicling the highs of my year in complaints and excitement. A year that would have been unbearably dull without that. So this is thank you where it won't ever be seen. What a sad miserable year this was. But judging by the end of it, with good friends that I hope to keep till the end of the new year, 2015 should be one of the better years of my life. I won't ever have the freedom I have in the next year ever in the rest of my life. Responsibilities. It will all catch up to me. Here's me hoping to make the mistakes others have made so much earlier in their lives in 2015. Wanting to catch up to everyone on the lessons they've learnt isn't a bad thing is it.

[icanthearit-blog]

Today I am a little bit pissed off at people and the internet for not keeping me ignorant to things I need not know

[icanthearit-blog]

Left Behind

Do you ever feel like every single person around you is growing up and leaving you for the adult world? Marriage. Jobs. Relationships. Sex. Drugs. Whatever. They all complain about how bad things are. On the other hand they do also rave about how the good times are the best things that’s happened to them. Here I’ll sit listening to all of that feeling good that I don’t have this drama in my life but at the same time curious as to what drives people to do this. For the longest while they’re just happy for a friendly face that listens to their stories. Their problems without judgement. Then it turns to frustration at the lack of empathy and understanding to these same problems. Later on it becomes futile to converse on these matters and the topics are just wildly avoided. The older you get, the more prominent all of this becomes. Less of some obviously and more of others. It will eventually reach that point that you are grasping at straws to maintain a conversation, just because the friendship IS important to you. After this the facade is over. You just fade out as a person that you meant well to and remember fondly. I fear this might become my life at one point. Its quite possibly already happening. Might be today, might be tomorrow. But one day I will wake up one day and realise I only have conversations about the weather. As they say. It’ll happen when it happens. I don’t look forward to this happening

[icanthearit-blog]

Camera I blew alot of money so I can take pictures of things to remember places, people and days by. So far it's been pretty great. I don't use it as much as I hoped to but what do I use to my quite lofty expectations. Things have settled down and it's those days that I have pictures of. And it's those days that will get pedestalised. I'm perfectly fine with that. The selective memory of the human is a marvel. The camera itself is tiny compared to a DSLR. I like that. It's nice. You don't look like a monkey with a camera. You look like a tourist. The one thing I'd never have expected to be but exactly what I am right now. A tourist in life. Bad financial choices. Friendly and docile to a fault. Complete pushovers just happy to be alive traveling through wherever. This is a picture. With a buttload of filters. Which I've stopped using. Till now.

[icanthearit-blog]

I'm too young to be bitter and miserable. But apparently I'm just about right on time to be a monumental fuck up

[icanthearit-blog]

Am I Okay?

I found out that being asked that means so much. I'm great at rationalising so I never know for sure. Sure I have problems and feel down alot about things completely out of my control but there are people out there that are in worse circumstances. Me not feeling peppy is nothing compared to their hardships. That's what I'm not okay about. Why can't you feel better about 'it could be worse'. I should stop this.

[icanthearit-blog]

Eventually

Eventually. That's one word to describe my life. The more I talk to people, the more I discover how little I've experienced in life. How I've, as your average YA author would put it, not lived a single day in my whole life. But worry not. You will do all these things. And more. Just not today. Or any day in the next few years. When you're older. You'll do it all. Eventually. Eventually. You'll go adventuring. Discover the world. Find out why the hell people come from all over the world to your little country; spending buttloads just to see the country. Dream big they say. I am dreaming big. Most dream to travel the world. I just want to see what all the fuss is about in my figurative back yard. Why people who've made it out of here comeback willingly and say I miss it all with pictures of the sea and sand and the occasional "Bliss" caption. It sure as hell isn't the loving caring nature of the people here. Nor is it the great cities here. I just want to know why. Feel why. Right now its too much to ask but eventually. I'll get there. Eventually. You'll get to experience friends. Find out why everyone is always going on about how they "miss" people. How they spend ages on the phone just talking. Sharing problems and expecting comfort. Sitting around and reminiscing memories of escapades and crossroads in life. Shared memories. Adventures. Life lessons. Grievances. Just hanging out for no reason other than the joy of their company. No one cherishes that till its gone as they say. If you don't have it maybe you could couldn't you? Eventually There's one eventually that doesn't even warrant a thought to. Love. Its a construct utterly corrupted by the fantasies the collective minds of our species spew forth. Expressions of undying love. The indelible infatuation with the concept of forever. The unbridled exasperation of the masses to find love. It's all a fallacy. We all have expectations of what we should get in love. Digestive systems full of fragile flying insects. Insurmountable feelings of compassion and sacrifice. If that's not your cuppa, there's all flavours. Made just for you. I don't expect this eventuality. After all, such passion is a young man's game. Forever. Forever and Ever. Forever and Always. Life and death. The fact is that we will die. Not just that we'll all die due to the mortality of the human condition. That we die a little every day. The mentality of our perceptions will die. When the moments gone its gone. Will we feel the same things when we experience the same things in vastly different periods of our lives. The things that meant so much to you today won't the next day. By losing the opportunity to experience that today, you lose the memory of tomorrow. That tale you get to tell of the time that you experienced something fun, profound, or life changing won't exist. This is my qualm with eventually. That eventually will be too late and never will be infinitely favourable. The human imagination is frivolous. Everything created by it is a byproduct of similar stimuli. By that logic is it possible that every single utterance is an amalgamation? Not only of the truths of their emotions but also their expectations on how to feel. What they feel that the other wants to hear. How they should pretend to be overjoyed when in reality it was merely satisfactory and not in the least impressive. Or is it just me perceiving something that's not there and hoping that someday I'll get to that point. Eventually.

[icanthearit-blog]

Life isn't going to get any shitter. It will always be shit. You just can't smell it when you're happy. I just want to not smell it for longer than a few hours a day.

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I like things girls do for fun a lot more than what guys do for fun and this makes me just suck at life.

[icanthearit-blog]

Credit

Today I'm giving myself credit. Because its about time I did. I went out on a limb and dropped in on a tradition of people who I don't know that were much older than I am, all because I was invited by a friend who I've not spoken a single audible word to in 7 years and it wasn't awkward or weird in any single way. It was normal. I'm giving myself credit for being socially acceptable. Regular albeit a bit eccentric. I've gotten past being the awkward guy that can't talk coherently without context. In utter strangers I've managed to hold my own. Not be weirded out by the fact that you're talking to a person you've conversed with so much online over 7 years and not really be talking. Maybe you can do this whole life and people thing. And actually being comfortable with not talking too much. That's such a different feeling. Older people. That's where the funs at. Life might not be as bad as I keep thinking it is.

[icanthearit-blog]

I spend so much time being such a bitch about everything about my life that when something that's actually bad happens, I meltdown. I shudder to even think how utterly shattering it would be if one of my parents died.