icareaboutme - Tumblr blog

[icareaboutme]

[icareaboutme]

[icareaboutme]

i get everything i want cuz i attract it!

ariana grande-just like magic (via prettyprincess02)

[icareaboutme]

I just, I cant say I dont know

I just dont see the audience anymore. Before everything I though, “oh yeah my life is a sitcom or something and even tho I dont hear the laughing track, they are laughing” but now I dont even see the camera anymore and I dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing. I just I dont feel that lonely anymore and sad, but I also started thinking that maybe talking to myself is not good, so I dont really do it anymore. Its weird, its like maybe all that was my personality but also my illness. Maybe this is life, the way u live. Its that saying “u make ur own luck”? This silence is not the bad kind of silence, its the silence where u feel like u have a choice and things doesnt overwhelm you. I dont feel like crying all the time. I feel like Im sitting in a waiting room, waiting for life to begin and I dont know if I need to begin or a door will just magically open and a kind woman steps out leading me to my path. She will just say: This your thing, look how peaceful it is, queit and charming. I leave you to it and leaves me there alone and somehow as I go down that road, friends and happiness will gather around me. 

I was in surviving mode so long, I dont know how a person should live a life. Its not numb, its more like waiting

[icareaboutme]

Silly little me

Chameleon personality- what does this word actually mean?

I was a chameleon, through high school and at the beginning of university and you know what, fuck that. I want peace, I want to be silly little me. I want to care about my stuff. I don’t want to be well informed and ahead of everybody. I want to watch my silly little movies that has nothing to do do with artistic stuff, they are just funny and cute. I want to wear clothes I feel good in. I want to read silly little books with romance and cuteness in them. I want to go to parties and do the  “Britney finds out Ryan Seacrest is not gay live” face and just have fun. Sweet peace. Oh and also politics can suck it too. I had these weights on me so long and u know what, its over. Let my brain chill.

[icareaboutme]

I think you are *

Judgying people is not cool. Especially when you use stereotypes. My old best friend did that a lot, so I did it with him. Hand in hand we judged a community inside out. But when you decide to just try and dive in, your whole point of view can change and the outcome is a new you who realized that the things he said and did were bad. Important note: Information is something you can’t change, but can have an opinion about. So we judged people, our community and laughed, made fun of them. As a single guy living in the city for the first time, I had this wonderlust thing, so with open arms I secretly went underground without my friends knowledge that I befriended the human beings we so dearly hated. Because that was hate and hate is bad, you can have it but its not something you should be proud of. So I met with these people and have to tell you, the first couple of hours are crucial.They examine your personality, the way you hold your head and hands, your smile and your music taste (and sometimes your drink of choice). I was examined and I passed the test. So they welcomed me with open arms and it was something very different I was used to. The whole group of people is pure support and love. So I met with them as often as I could. While these events happened, my best friend became aware of my crime and even tho he tried to plant the seeds of acceptance in me, I knew he was mad. So after that part of summer just ended, our little talks became very feisty and he somehow mentioned that “He is happy, because those people are crazy and stupid and he was scared that I will become one of them”. This conversations should have rang a bell in my brain but at that time I was yet unaware of self-respect and free thinking. But now I see that he was wrong and had bad intentions. He wanted a friend who lives and free, but not to free so he wont be threatend. He wanted a friend because he knew, finding another guy to be friends with and judge from the inside is hard. (He was never on the inside, he was at the side line, being just as fucked up as the basic haters) So its a good lesson to know that if a person is not comfortable with another side of yours, ding-dong that somebody isnt your friend. So be proud of your openess and judge less, so people could reach you. Information is one thing, but believing in a rumor is another. 

[icareaboutme]

Cycle of old yous

I woke up today and realized I like keeping a loop in my brain about the old me-s. The old mes who did a bunch of stuff, from anger and from pride and from the idea that the actions will earn them love and respect. I think its hard to let go your old roads, the roads that gave you sadness and happiness and a better insight about yourself. I remember one of my old mes tried to earn himself respect and recognition. Every day he put effort into a project so then other might say things like: -Very well -you are really good -If you keep going like that these and these things can happen. So I tried but nothing happend and every day I felt further away. So I gave up and when nobody tries to stop you, you know your faith isn’t meant to be on that road. I still see them on stories and I see that the place where I was (yeah its a real place just to make sure Im not talking about my mind or some place on the edge of this head) is getting filled with new faces. I was one of the people who first went there and now they dont even remember me (I guess). So today while I was doing my unhealthy morning scroll through (yeah I should stop doing that) I saw some photos about them. I feel like even tho I had the chance to go back, I did the good thing to not go back. I am trying to be me, without shame. I wanna do things for me. I wanna look good for me. I wanna do things without the feeling Im not enough. 

I ordered some new clothes from a website so I can go to these parties we call  Techno in Europe. The people in these parties look scary and violent, but just like you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, you never know who they really are. They compliment you clothes and hug you, they support you and never make you do anything you don’t want to. I only went 1-2 times but it was fun and I hope that If as a depressed person I enjoyed it, as a much more good feeling person I will really really let go and feel the freedom. (ofc without alcohol, meds duh). So they wear chokers and fetish wear and dance to monotom music, but they supported me more than my own best friend. Looking back at the old me, I judged them not because I didnt like them but because I wanted to feel that kind of wild friendship. They know each other deeply and pose on pictures and loo out for each other and I want that. So maybe this year, the path Im gonna go will be a path where I become more like something I despised a year ago. I will wear fetish wear and a choker with a heart on it and walk around like Maddy in Euphoria in my black top and feel the old me slip away in the lake as Im walking into the wild.

[icareaboutme]

Lady Gaga performs onstage during the #Oscars 

[icareaboutme]

 All rights reserved  by hicks.07

[icareaboutme]

will wake up

I woke up seeing my friends partying in the city and I was comfortable with that. I didn’t feel anger and jealousy or anything bad. Before, I would have been very sad and probably would have thrown a tantrum. But Im happy for them, I slept and had a not so good night, bcs I was on a funeral yesterday. I think its a good excuse to not feel good. I saw a man go in the grave, my grandma cried and my thoughts were revolving around my memories, not about my memories with the person who died, but the memories about the city. The lights that I saw in the evening, the churches and summer. The water and the bridges and feeling just in this limbo. Weird. I slept a mediocre one, but its okay. I grew far from parties and I grow closer to myself every day. Lately Im listening to a bunch of indie music. It makes me feel hopeful, like a movie. Its slow and shines like a sun, yeah its like a sun, weird again. But good weird.

[icareaboutme]

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

— Mark Twain

[icareaboutme]

reblog to manifest for your life

[icareaboutme]

Go down on my feelings

Time to time my sexual side awakens and for a couple of minutes these intentions give me the moving power to go after the real thing. Unfortunately, I am really bad at it. My flirting skills are bad, I can’t make gestures to make the other guy know that Im interested in him, so the outcome is always failure. I only had 2 sexual experinece. The first one is with my first boyfriend, the first and the last time he slept at my dormroom, he wanted our first kiss to happen and now I see he also wanted more, like idk maybe a bj or something. So he kissed me but sooo badly, it was like a fish trying to swallow me. Deeply traumatizing and bad. So after that all our little kisses (that he wanted) were something I needed to do with all my life force. The sexual tension was nowhere, for me at least. The day we broke up, he gave off the feeling that he had strong feeling towards me sexually and tried to hold on to me strongly because other than me at that time, everybody knew, that Me and Him werent a match. I was much more (it feels bad to say it, even with low confidence) good looking and special. He wasn’t social and outgoing and I was just going around in the city feeling much more like a single boy than somebody in a relationship. So I guess first sexual trauma striked there. (I think he is in a new relationship now and I hope he is happier. He is a nice guy and I will always remember him, but sadly not as my first boyfriend, but much more like as a friend.) 

My second one was with this this guy-friends-something. We went on one date and it was much more like a friendly hangout than a date. We drank and watched the city lights. I talked about my inexperineced life, while he talked about going to parties and doing stuff since he was 16. I think its important to note that we were and still are the same age. I think to him, I was a strange boy. I feel like he though that a person like me would have already gone trough a couple of situationships (I hate this word) and breakups and one-night stands. After that (comes the good part, so read) 2 days later we went to a party, I met some of the friends of his and danced to lady gaga song. Even tho it was summer, the weather got slowly bad and we got soaking wet (not in a good way,) so he offered me the option to stay at his flat, because it was closer. So went with him, drunk, wet, anxiety on peak and tired. I slept in his bed even tho there was a couch too (he said I chose the bed bcs I wanted action too which is a lie, the bed is always better dumbass). So as I was sleeping he kissed me, went down on me. So..you know...drunkly and tired I couldnt even get it up bcs in my head I was lost. So he has stopped and we went to sleep. The next morning without any explonation, together, we traveled to the east central station and just like that everybody went on their ways.

Weird to think about that after this, we met again like 2 times, no sex, just hanging out. Couple of back and forth friendly messages. A bad party where his friends treated me shit  and I left. Got sexually harassed on a bus, cried like a baby till my dorm. Sat in front of my dorm, watched the sky and felt the pain of the bad actions. 

I think the whole sexual side of mine just slowly faded away and transformed into more like and idea in my brain than a thing thats part of life. So as Im sitting here wrinting this and seeing how my last year was just a big challenge, makes me think wow. I was pushing down this? I was traumatized and sad and thrown into a hole. I want to accept that fear can make us choose badly and do strange things. And friends of my friend arent my friends until they choose to reach out to me to be friends with them. I have to accept that my beauty comes from being me, open and open and open. 

Maybe there will be a better guy in my future or guyS, who will....me

[icareaboutme]

[icareaboutme]

Sides of the same coin

So dating was always hard for me. In high school as a gay guy I had zero chance. So I really hoped and worked hard to get into uni and move to the city. So life happend and it came true. So a whole world opened up to me...but stuff didnt happen as I planed. So dating was always hard for me because I never really liked how I look. Still to this day its hard but Im trying. When your friends or more like people who you thought were your friends, gossip about you and call you on names behind your back nd spread rumors, you cant help but slowly turn into those rumors. Moving to the city made it even harder. Here’s the thing, I went out a couple of times and to be honest I recognized that people looked at me, they checked me out from top to bottom. They saw something in me or on me. But couldnt help but still felt like the ugly duck. The fact that guys danced around me, tried to flirt with me, grab my ass, take me to a sex party or at least invite me to one, didnt change a thing. Some of my friends already had sex with around 24-25 people (maybe more, I stopped counting) and comparing yourself to other people is the act of killing happines, I know ,but cant help but wonder( yeah Carrie B for a minute) if my friends who looked a little bit less classy than me easly found partners, why couldnt I? A guy once said I look and feel like somebody who cant be reached and it made me think, maybe I am exactly that. I am somebody that just lives differently and it makes me think of my illness. Maybe all along it was just my dark cloud. I hope my life will change. I hope my meds help bcs in theory, bipolar can cause low self-esteem. So I hope things will change and love will found me. Even if I live somewhere in my mind, in an uncreachable land...

[icareaboutme]

@ itslizziecampbell