iceinmyheart - Tumblr blog

[iceinmyheart]

6:11 pm

28/12/23

js got off the phone w him,

i tried calling my mom right after

idk what’s wrong w me these days?

i’ve always believed myself to be some1 who’s extremely sensitive, deeply melancholic and ~slightly~ lonely but loneliness have been eating me out a lot lately

or maybe it’s another feeling that i fail to decipher

but what makes a human crave to be heard? seen? hugged?

i cried so violently in his arms last night, i couldn’t help it

i felt so emotionally naked, on a soul level

i js couldn’t stop myself, it was so painful to cry

but it was so hard to hold it in, not after it’s been held inside for so long and it feels like a prisoner inside a cage

it felt both comforting and terrifying to let him see me like that, see the real me, who’s so vulnerable and fragile

i never thought i’d be able to establish such a strong connection w anyone like that, to be able to unveil my true self w/o fearing to be judged or criticized or viewed negatively

i never thought i could love the way i do now

it’s so raw, feral, passionate, sweet, sad, protective, compassionate, selfless

it’s everything i thought could never be possible to exist in one person, but it exists in him

in both of us

we made it possible

the both of us

[iceinmyheart]

3:55am

22/11/23

it’s nearly 4am, and im losing sleep over everyth that happened

i want u to read this once u wake up, i want it to be the first thing that u see, i want u to reflect on it while taking ur first conscious morning breath

i love u, sash

i love u more than i’ve loved anyone in my entire life, my love for u knows no limit, it’s reaching so deep inside me that it’s almost tearing me apart

now that i’ve known what it feels like to love u and to be loved by u, i can’t live w/o it anymore

i sincerely can’t

death would be sweeter and more merciful on me

i want to apologize for not being there when u needed me, i truly do apologize for making u hurt

the truth is that it does make me hurt as well, not only the part where u were extremely agressive towards me, but the part where i failed at being there for u which has led to it

i never tried to deny how badly it affects u when im not there, ik it hurts, ik that im expected to never let it happen bc that’s what i expect of u

i may not show it as much as i feel it, but i need u

i need u, always, all the time, all of u

i’d break into pieces w/o u and i’d never be whole again

it hurts me to think that the core reason of this argument is "u don’t care enough abt me, u weren’t there for me" when it’s all i want to be

it’s all i exist for, it’s my only reason to exist

is to be there for u, to be around u

serious matters are worth arguing over, it shows that we’re ready to take bigger steps

but it saddens me that there had to be an argument abt this in the first place

i wish i’d appear by ur side whenever ur heart calls for me, i wish i’d js appear by pure magic and not let u endure the harshness of being alone

i feel fully responsible for meeting all ur needs as a partner, and i take full accountability for failing

im truly sorry,

i js can’t stop hurting

tears are sliding down my cheeks as im typing this

im sorry

that’s all i can whisper to u

[iceinmyheart]

u’re a manipulative piece of shit and i hate u so much!!!!!

ASSHOLE

[iceinmyheart]

Part 02

11:11 pm

me: “how would people be reminded of us?”

myself: “not through the people bearing our name, but through the walls telling our stories”

me: “but walls decay and houses get destroyed”

myself: “and people die, and the world will end”

[iceinmyheart]

a story of boy meets girl, or girl meets boy

on a random day, in a random place

everything that happened in between,

everything that followed made it true that

it was never a random day, nor a random place

do I want to walk down that path?

do I want to follow that melody that seems to want to take me somewhere,

somewhere far away from myself

from what I’ve known to be, love

what is love? what was it before you appear in front of me? how did it feel before your fingers dance on the edge of my lips?

your love feels like a renaissance, but also a slow death

you touch me and I melt like snow with a beam of sunlight

you look at me and I’m gone, I’m dissolved, I’m drowning into you, inside of you, inside of me

the first time you said my name; not the very first, but the first time I’ve decided to hear it

the first time you kissed me; not the very first but the first time I’ve decided to kiss you back

the first time you squeezed my heart; again; not the very first, you’ve done that a countless times

I’m walking out now through the sunrise,

a love like a hazy dream, you fear it’d disappear the moment you open your eyes; I never do

I’m eyes wide shut, an open heart

what is love?

the slaughter of my little bird

in your arms,

I’m a doll, a little girl, a gun

in your arms,

I’m me but sadder but happier but smaller

in your arms,

I’m everything but also nothing

your touch revives every dead cell in my body

your voice rings like a thousand bells in my ears

I want to tear your organs open, crawl inside your bones, crack up your skin

I want to make a room for myself, small enough to fit me and big enough to fit all my love

I want you,

I want you now, I want you tomorrow, I want you the day after tomorrow and probably three weeks from now

I will continue to want you, to want more of you each day

my hunger is immense and my appetite is unsatisfied

with every breath that you take near me,

with every breath that you take away from me

with every breath that you take for me

I will die a little

I will die a painful sweet death

I will die and get reborn

from the ashes of your love

on another summer day

~~~~

think of me when the three apples align on the table,

when the room is dark and the only light is the fading sunset in the horizon of my heart

think of me,

always

to a summer I’ll never forget,

to a summer that will live inside of me forever

I love you,

I love you forever

[iceinmyheart]

01/10

9:55am

I js woke up,

it’s somewhat of a heavy draining sad morning

I turned off all the lights last night,

the appartement looks drenched in darkness

a dune-like depressing color

I hate it…

idk what’s more depressing,

the way I feel rn or the way everyth around me looks?

i think it’s my energy affecting all my surroundings

like a venom spreading so fast

I should tell u the full story of how boi-meets-girl or girl-meets-boi which happened exactly 80days ago

so I’d delve more into details abt what happened and what’s happening or what’s abt to happen

it’d make more sense that way

[iceinmyheart]

list of pros and cons:

• pros :

• he made some unmatchable efforts to be able to see me and spend time w me

• he worries abt my well-being (a lot)

• he tries to understand even tho he fails most of the time but still (he tries) and ik it takes time and more clues for him to figure it out

• he has a great life/future vision

• he’s dedicated, smart, polite, well spoken and knows what he wants

• he prioritizes me all the time

• he’s emotional and sensitive, i love how he’s not afraid to show it most of the time

• he’s thoughtful, caring and giving (not to the right extent yet when it comes to giving BUT)

• he shares a lot of my interests and way of thinking, we never run out of innovative ideas or things to talk abt

• he’s always admiring the new things he discovers abt me, always taking notes of my likes and dislikes, always on the run to figure me out

• he always tries his best to be good enough, he reconsiders his bad actions and apologizes (unprompted)

• he thrives to be the best version of himself for the both of us and inspires me to do the same

• he seems to be quite srs abt me, and he values the relationship that we have a lot

• he alerts me whenever he’s abt to get busy during the day prob so i don’t overthink why he’s away (best thing imo)

• cons :

• he’s a deeply insecure and anxious person which pushes him to doubt how much I care

• he can be so impatient and quick to jump to bad conclusions/ and is hard to convince smtms (again due to insecurity /anxiety and fear of abandonment)

• he can conceal his emotions in order to preserve "peace" or bc he’s afraid of the outcome of his honesty

• he finds it okay to have his own space but when I demand space (maybe more than his) it makes him get anxious and leads him to overthink

• he expects things to work at his own pace

• he has a hard time acknowledging my struggles and that my depression is chronic and not ME EXAGGERATING!! (he can get it but then not the full extent)

• he tries to impose his own standards on me

[iceinmyheart]

saw him today lmfao and what the actual fuck

nah fr, what the fuck was wrong w me bro

how tf did I agree to date such a loser????

good thing I felt literally NOTHING ahaha

like 0 emotions

we did it boys, we won the war!!!

3:33 pm

25/10

[iceinmyheart]

“Wait for someone who will love you differently. One who can see the fire in your soul, and the child in your laugh, and the ocean in your heart.”

— JmStorm

[iceinmyheart]

It’s true that I’ve suffered a great deal of pain bc of u, but I’d never wish to have never met u

bc our encounter w each other, changed me

shaped me into someone else, someone better, stronger

created diff versions of me

It may have not served me the way I wanted, but it did serve another purpose

for both of us, ig

it had to happen, and then to end, and then for life to continue its way

it is what it is smh

23/10

2:54 am

[iceinmyheart]

I’ve rejected the truth for so long now, even when it was being thrown right in front of my eyes, screamed at me out loud

I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to see it

I didn’t want to acknowledge its truth

but today, today I’m open to the truth

he cheated on me, he did it

I wasn’t sure, I was never sure, but now I am

it’s a hard pill to swallow, it truly is

it made me sick to my core, I had to puke my guts out

but I didn’t cry and that says a lot

I’m not hurt nor sad, I’m disgusted, repulsed

it’s disgusting

he disgusts me

how can someone be that cruel? it’s not a joke

indecent, a liar, a cheater, a low-lifer

there’s noth good that links me to his memory ever again, it’s done

I’m done

I needed this pill to wake up from my delusional sleep, for once I was blind now I can see

goodbye, I’m never looking back again

only forward

[iceinmyheart]

I didn’t rly care, the reason why I endured all the pain, the reason why I stayed altho I knew I should leave is bc I wanted it to be him, I wanted him and no one else, him and noth else

it hurt so much, when my brain kept telling me over and over that he didn’t love me, yet my heart couldn’t take the truth…I’d cry myself to sleep waiting for him to come wipe my sad tears

I’d wait for that one notif from him and it’d both frighten me to death yet brighten my day

I knew this was no good sign, I knew it wasn’t right but I wanted it still

I wasn’t ready to let go of him, I was never ready

even when I’d convince myself that it was no good for me, when I swallow the reality pill and spit it out again

It just hurt to not be loved back, it hurt so much

I cared for him more than I ever did for anyone

I was never prepared for this type of deadly pain

I rly thought I meant sth for him, I rly thought he wouldn’t be able to let go of me the same

but he did it so easily, I envy him for that bc I truly wish I’d do the same

even if he comes back crawling, I wouldn’t take him altho part of me still wants him

but it’s a part I want to bury so deep within my heart and never let it escape to see the light

It’s a part that denies the love and respect I hold for myself, it’s a part that denies the harm that was directed at me

I shouldn’t let it escape

the fact that what we had is long gone, dead and to never be reborn but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to mourn it still

mourn the loss of myself but never of him bc he was no good for me,

we were no good for each other

[iceinmyheart]

sometimes I stay up at night and wonder if he ever feels sorry for what he did, if he ever wanted things to be different, if he still wants for things to be different even tho he knows he can’t change anything, he can’t erase the harm, he can never repair what’s been destroyed

I wonder,

if he misses me? if he still thinks abt me at night

if he still wishes he’d talk to me one more time

If he wants to say that he’s sorry, that he’s been dumb to let me go, that he’s never been the same ever since, that it’s been haunting him day and night, that he’s genuinely sorry for breaking my heart

I wonder

if he misses me at all

4:50 am

17/10

[iceinmyheart]

how is it possible to miss someone who has hurt us the most? how is it possible to long for someone who had little to no compassion for us? how is it possible to want someone who’s no good for us? I don’t understand, I wish I’d feel differently bc it’s so unfair to keep wishing/hoping for things to change, to mourn the lost opportunities who weren’t meant to happen anyways? I keep telling myself that if it were any good, it wouldn’t have fallen apart like that, it wouldn’t have faded away…it was no good and yet it still feels…wanted by my broken heart

[iceinmyheart]

12:02 am

14/10

my heart’s aching, I feel so terribly hurt, lonely

it’s like my wounds opened up again

and the pain is worse than ever

[iceinmyheart]

27/09

8:41 am

I feel stuck, nostalgic, lonely (emphasis on the lonely)

I feel so alone, it’s killing me

I barely feel any meaningful connection to anyone

my friendships are falling apart

I am falling apart

I keep trying to motivate myself, to go forward

but I keep looking back

Ik that there’s noth left for me there

it’s all gone

so what am I looking at? what do I miss?

an illusion? a fake feeling? a place that no longer exists?

[iceinmyheart]

wow, better than therapy fr

I love this place <3