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[icherishyou]

13 feb 2024

I have had sleeping problems again lately. I'm not sure the cause. but I'm pretty sure, another Coldplay concert would be the cure heheheI think this is a job issue that I just had a few weeks ago. about the job I don't know whether I want it or not. I know it's not my dream job, but I'm brave enough to challenge myself. but Idk somehow there is something that still burdens me and it affects me in many ways. breakouts all over my face, my sleeping schedule now is a mess, and so is my awake time, and so is my productivity schedule to create media social contents. I have talked to the person who has the right. but why does it still feel heavy? what am I thinking of? am I thinking about him? about my-no-longer-crush who I thought loved me but it was just an empty hope for me. seeing his chat and his profile picture, as well as his gf's profile picture, I felt so angry yet sad because oh Allah I still love him, but his gf is waaaay more beautiful and perfect like there is no way I meet her standard yet comparison.

I feel like Elle Woods in the middle of Warner and Sarah, Emily in the middle of Gabriel and Camille, Hermione in the middle of Ron and Lavender, and who else who has the same shoes and feeling as I do. this feeling is somehow hard to process. I wanted to be off of everything. forget everything. going away somewhere to disappear. digging my graveyard. ah, these feelings are mixed up, like I miss him but I can't express it. I hate him but I have no reason for that since it is not his fault for loving his perfect gf. I love him the most, but he is now someone's boyfriend.

I thought this feeling would fade into dust and smoke and haze or something. but it stays and grows stronger. This is so unfair.

how stupid I was, thinking he may love or adore me, while he clearly saw my flaws and made fun of it. saying I'm a mess, making fun of my accent, noticing my dark skin, creating WhatsApp stickers using my face, ah ya Allah he really pushed up my insecurity. I have to let go. I'm scared this phase will come again.

[icherishyou]

wed, 17 jan 2024

finally I'm back to journaling.

it has been a week since I have mixed feelings, though the feeling is less than before, but I still want to pour it into this writing, who knows it could have completely evaporated.

so, last Wednesday, I was scheduled for the last stage of recruitment to become lecturer. days before the schedule, my mom didn't stop asking me whether I'm sure with my decision to be a lecturer or not. I totally understand why my mom asked me that, since I always complain about being in that track of career, yet I was signed for that position, my mom must be wondering. but those contant same questions lead me into doubt. on the way to the venue, I felt like there was something missing about me. so many times my mind and heart were arguing whether this is an opportunity or a trap. deep down in my heart, I know what I exactly want for my career path. I know what I am capable of: writing. that's the thing I always want to do in my life. but since I had no offers yet from that track and got called for the lecturer instead, my survival mode definitely accepted the offer. I mean, I need a job and I need money. but, do I take the opportunity or just give up on my dream? is this the best decision for me to take? what if I'm not happy? what if I repeat the same mistake I did while choosing a major and university a few years ago just because I want to survive, not to fight what I always dream about.

many friends of mine, who barely know my writing ability, support my decision to take this opportunity. they call this as an opportunity because it is indeed in this track. they are good academics, not content writers, content planners, let alone social media content creators. I'm asking the wrong person yet they are so right for pushing me out of my comfort zone. so many times I try to convince myself that this feeling is only something I will take out of my comfort zone after many years of being at home. but that feeling of being afraid of going out while I'm an adventurous typical person still haunts me. but I don't want to sink into that dilemma which leads me into nothing but fear. I try to get up, create content again and this time with a plan and schedule, in hopes I can get the best opportunity immediately. and it helps. I forget some of my sorrows, Alhamdulillah.

despite that career path dilemma, I have another dilemma. during that last stage of recruitment, there were 3 interviewers. one of them asking why I haven't been married yet? actually that's a very normal question for my age. I usually answer it with a joke, chill, and no offense-mode. another candidate also warned me about this question. but I don't know why that time I felt so gloomy and just emotional. I felt like I'm the happiest person lately because Alhamdulillah I'm living my life with all those miracles by Allah, but it turns out some people pity me because I haven't got married yet. I felt so sad. I was crying in that room in front of the interviewers. but then the interviewer who asked that question gave me tips of dua and worship I should do for facing it all, and I have applied it, in hopes I can feel better, be better, and find the one. because I hope the best for me for this side of life. Ameen.

no one wants to live alone. no one wants to spend their lives by loneliness. but also no one knows how this side of the universe works. I just hope to find the one as soon as possible, because looking at all of my friends and brothers who treat their girlfriend, I feel like I've been left behind. but I know I'm not. I believe in God speed. right now I want to be better and less insecure fyuh... I hope the best for this year in all aspects of my life. Ameen.

[icherishyou]

wed, 3 jan 2024

after 3 days transferring and backing up my 2023 photos, I finally made it. I separate them all based on month, and every month is divided between Xiaomi, iCloud, and WhatsApp pictures. what a work. because of that, I'm a bit late to write about my 2023 recap, to upload my 2023 recap video on TikTok, and haven't written anything to review my latest book I read. but that's fine, let's catch up now by starting writing my 2023 recap.

I will never feel tired saying my 2023 was full of blessings. every month I had at least one reason to be grateful for, a story to remember, and a lesson to learn.

january I remember my hand was full of dreams that day. I wanted to start writing again, productive again, online-selling again, looking for a full-time job again, and working on my thesis again. even on that first day of 2023 I spent many hours writing my first review about the book I currently read that month. I also had a long list of interviews ahead as well as started to create a catalog for my shop which was still clueless about the branding.

february one of my friends told me about a program from a local company which helps us to improve our hard skills. and for the first time I finally figured out what I want to be as my career: SEO writer. so I took that certification class (but also ambitious enough to dream about the final round even though I didn't make it). this month I was also too busy fitting outfits for my brother's wedding.

march this month was my brother's wedding but all of the needs had been completed last month, so no worries. I just felt this month so hectic because a lot of activity related to my thesis (a lot of revision) and maniac shopping for make ups and skin cares during surabayaXbeauty event (which was my first time, and I met local beauty influencer). I also found out that the product I tried to sell wasn't a big enough hit, so I decided to sell preloved books which were working! I did understand how hard it is to be a seller because I had to find the cheapest supplier to sell the product at a normal price but still with good profit. the SEO class I took was already on the edge and they gave us an examination AND I PASSED IT AT THE FIRST TRY! Alhamdulillah hehehe...

april I lost my grandma this month, right at ied day. I was totally fine about it since I saw my grandma had lost interest in living because his dear son had passed before her. and I totally get it. we had multiple trips (in-state destination only) for the rest of the month since there was a lot of holiday. and I stopped selling preloved books because I need to focus on my thesis.

may there wasn't a lot happening during this month, but I finally tried to lash-lift my eyelash which was so cool! and the end of this month, my supervisor told me to go for my first seminar which was the best feeling I was waiting for all this time!

june I DID MY FIRST SEMINAR and felt half of my burden had gone! I was so near the finish line! for self-rewarding, I went to the fish market and timezone with my brother.

july can you believe I did my second and third seminar this month back to back? everything felt so hard and fast and tired but Alhamdulillah all of my weight had been lifted. I unofficially finished my master degree. this month was also supposed to be a war for the Taylor Swift Eras concert in Singapore, but I didn't survive the great war. sad but never mind, at least I finished my degree hehehehe....

august I had my fourth seminar this month, a really international seminar with a lot of international students. because of this seminar, I almost left my pre-graduation activity because the schedule wasn't aligned. but I'm glad I made it both. AND THIS IS THE BEST PART! I think from that seminar, I finally had a crush, and he (with another boy) reached out to me right after the seminar! OMG it has been a long time since I have felt butterflies.

september one of my online friends came to Surabaya to visit me right before my graduation (YES MY GRADUATION IS THIS MONTH ALHAMDULILLAH!). I took her around Surabaya, and she kept complaining about how hot the weather of Surabaya is. I couldn't blame her. I also got my first nail art this month hehehe...

october I got a visitation from my international friend whom I met last august. so after I hung out with kak tika, I visited her in her hotel. I spent a lot of my social energy! last month, right after graduation I got an interview invitation for volunteering in a Coldplay Jakarta concert, and I just got accepted Alhamdulillah! I also got a wedding invitation from one of my friend I met during international seminar last august, and guess what, IT WAS MY OPPORTUNITY TO MEET MY CRUSH BECAUSE THEY ARE IN THE SAME CITY AND HE GOT INVITED OMG CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND FEW DAYS WITH HIM AAAA!!!!! I went to Bandung at the end of this month for my friend's graduation. actually my other international friend was visiting Bandung as well and we planned to meet, but I didn't make it since her schedule was different from my friend's graduation schedule.

november I went to Malang for my brother's graduation, and I just got sick, physically and mentally exhausted. I felt so tired and was thinking of canceling Coldplay Jakarta volunteering. BUT RIGHT AFTER I CANCEL EVERYTHING (train back and forth & room), another volunteer just told me we would get free entry and I had to rebook everything with doubled price SAD! this month was also my birthday, where I got a Taylor Swift Eras Tour movie ticket and a big cake as a gift from my brother. I'M BEYOND HAPPY AND GRATEFUL! I flew to Malay for the trip I had planned before. I met 2 guys from an international seminar last august. the first guy I met, he really knew how to treat girls like me. after 2 days in this 1st guy town, I flew to the second guy town which is my crush OMG OMG OMG!!!

december MY CRUSH HAS A GIRLFRIEND WTH WHY HE TOLD ME SHE IS HIS FRIEND AND I KNEW IT FROM OTHER PERSON! OMG MY FIRST HEARTBREAK THIS YEAR. this feels like Elle Woods' disappointment right after she figured out Warner had engaged while she was in Law School just for him. like, he was my crush yesterday but it faded now in a blink of an eye. but his gf is just so pretty, older than me, and just incomparable. OMG I WAS FEELING SO BLUE! but I still have a lot of things to be grateful for, I got accepted as a lecturer after a long process of recruitment for example. also, we had family trip for new year in another state hehehe... Alhamdulillah because Allah had given me a chance to be happy among the blues. 

see... there were a lot of things that happened during my 2023. and I have some list of people I'm grateful for during my 2023 because they have contributed themselves to my life.

-Casp, for telling me about Loklok -Darm, for telling me about Undercover game -Radh, for telling me to keep writing and journaling -Kak Tik for telling me about the job I am gaining now -Kak Ro for bringing me manicure pedicure for the first time -Kak Tiq who makes me realize beauty is to fight for -Akil & Kak Thir for telling me to see good side of everything -Akil (again) for making me feel so loved -Mand & Silv for giving me first nail art

I see a lot of chances I can do and gain for my 2024. I hope 2024 will be brighter and better. May Allah ease everything we have planned. Ameen... 

[icherishyou]

fri, 29 dec 2023

I have had problems with my skin lately. my body skin looks darker than ever even though I had worn gloves, long pants, and long sleeves to cover it during the day. my face skin also has a little streak at some points. I'm not sure what the cause is. I thought because my essence is expired, but I've checked the expiration date of all my skin care, they will expire in 2025 or something longer (luckily I keep the box).

I really have no clue why. then I remember I bought all those products from an unofficial store which gave a discount the other day. I remember telling Silvi & Manda about how the texture of my lotion from the same store is more fluid than the normal one. and I was wondering whether it was a fake product or something. but the problem is I have stocked many products since the store offered me the cheap price due to the e-commerce campaign. I'm so confused right now, and I just clean my face in the morning, apply the moisturizer and sunscreen (from the same store) and double cleansing during the night (both micellar water and facial wash from the official store). Alhamdulillah the problem doesn't get any worse.

I really hope it is just because the weather has changed a lot. IT IS SUMMER AGAIN!!! IN THE RAINY SEASON!!! I also suspect that the temperature changed the reaction formula of my skin care… I also suspect my eating schedule which is so wild lately could possibly affect my skin. oh Allah… I hope my skin gets better soon. Ameen...

[icherishyou]

thu, 28 dec 2023

it's 2 am, and I had awoken 2 hours before. after praying, I just wanna focus on doing something on my laptop. so I calculate my financial in-and-out, then look for something to buy on shopee for my Malay friends. there are a lot of things to consider: whether they will like it or not, is it better to choose a keychain over a magnet fridge, who is right to get what, etc. and when the payment method I choose is unavailable during improvement, I close the app then write this tumblr post while my background music just plays the 2017 music era which was a hot song during quarantine and somehow it hits differently now. 

I finished the Unsolved Mystery series on Netflix the other day. some of the mysteries are about homicide that is believed as suicide. the police decided some cases as suicide, while the family decided it as homicide. the family just can't take the fact that their family member has a tendency to do any harmful activities. most of the family said "she/he is the happiest person lately", "there is no way she/he did that", etc while we never know what people really feel and think of. I don't mean to invalidate the family's feelings. I believe there might be another conspiracy either. but it is not impossible for people to end their life right after laughing over something silly. some people may have huge mental problems that they can't take any longer and their physical appearance can cover it perfectly and show no sign to us. and to be underlined, telling how fragile they are is not that simple for some of them. I don't mean to generalize people, but I just look up upon myself a few years ago, when life felt so heavy and there was nothing I could do but cry every night. I had to be still cool and happy in front of everyone because that's what people want to see in me. I ever thought to harm myself, but I had a simple thought not to do: it will ruin my skin appearance. suicide? many thoughts had come across my mind that my life would be easy if we didn't need to take it, and could be the best as the last choice, but I had a simple thought not to do: I have not enough good deeds to lead me into heaven and too afraid to be in hell. damn, really reflected a phrase in my bahasa "mati segan, hidup tak mau".

so trust me, what people show in front of us may not be the truth. they will show their daily appearance in front of people who always see their daily appearance. it is possible they could be truthful about their feelings towards people they barely know because they will feel safe. but whatever it is, who am I to judge. so, for those who are in the Unsolved Mystery, may they rest in peace. May the truth be revealed sooner or later.

[icherishyou]

thu, 21 dec 2023

I really wanna do a lot of things. my to-do list was set a few days ago but I have no tendention to finish it. and now I want to watch Percy Jackson and read my Legally Blonde as well, but I want to write this journal first.

so, I just had morning prayers and tahajjud as well. after those prayers, I made dua, sad dua actually, and almost cried. I explained to Allah (though Allah has known it already) that my crush now has a girlfriend, I have no one to be mentioned in my dua again to make him close to me, or be the one for me. then I asked Allah to bring my soul mate closer. I continued with the question "is it ok if I still mention his name in my dua since I don't know who to mention?" hehe...

then I remembered how many boys tried to reach out to me, but I was too scared, too naive, too realistic, or too insecure to think "there is no way he likes me", so somehow I will always be in love with someone I can't have. but I'm too lovesick for him. he is the first person I ever mentioned his name in my dua.

that's why I try to let everyone in for now. I'm not gonna step aside even though I still have the same fear and insecurities. but just screw it. let's normalize being so close to our friends. let's normalize being jealous over someone who is not our boyfriend. let's normalize those feelings which felt unfair and impossible, but we still hang on to hope. we still have hopes and dua. we never know how Allah will answer it. we never know.

[icherishyou]

tue, 19 dec 2023

the day flies so fast... 11 more days to go, and we will be in 2024.

I'm still processing how far my 2023 has been running. I had nothing to dream about but to finish my master's degree on the first day of 2023. experiencing how much struggle I had during my master's degree, and I was at the edge of my semester, I just wished to finish it, and I fought it until my last breath. Alhamdulillah I fulfill one of my dreams in vision board.

actually, there were a lot of dreams I wrote on my vision board. but since my main goal is to finish my thesis, I just went for it half of the year, and the day I got it, it was the happiest day in my life for that year. like, all of the struggles, dramas, depressions, all paid off.

after that day, everything that happened was just happiness or lessons. I'm so thankful to Allah, to make my heart stronger than ever through this process, to learn from every person I met virtually, physically, and fictionally to be a better person.

I think I'm accepted as a lecturer. something that is out of my reach, like I've never dreamt to be a lecturer or involved in the world of education. just as many things happened during 2023 which were out of my plan and just happened, I believe this is the step Allah wants me to take. Allah has managed all of the universe to work the way he wants and aligned with me.

I thought, since I've graduated, I could choose a career path I want: a digital marketer. it's still crystal clear, whenever people say I'm suitable for a teacher role, I'd say in my heart "I know myself, and this is the chance I can choose my own path, not by my parents, not by people around me". but it turns out I will be a lecturer soon. very very very soon.

it began with, my friend informed me about the vacancy, I applied, I went for the test and interview, then one of the human resources said "this usually takes a long time to process, but you have everything done in a day". and for the fourth round of interview, I just found out that the interviewer is my mom's friend dad. we are basically neighbors. and there was nothing serious during the interview, but having fun. even the human resource had to pick me up because I had an almost 2 hours interview that I think everyone knows I would be 100% accepted.

there is little sadness inside my heart like, do I give up on my own dream? do I just fulfil my parent's dream again? just some thoughts that lead me into nothing but sadness. my parents are both extremely happy because this is what they really want. but I just want to take those thoughts aside because Allah has made everything easy for me. I know Allah gives this for a reason that I haven't discovered yet, and I am just out of my comfort zone.

there is one reason that I hyphotesiscally think why, may be because Allah wants me to use my full capacity of knowledge and ability. because previously I really considered working in an administration or writing field only which needs less capability of suffering (I don't mean to underestimate those jobs but I'm happy doing administration and writing).

I know I will survive even though the salary is not that big. I'm being naive here, but I have to handle this and I will find a way to earn more money. this is just how Sri Ningsih (a fictional character from the book I just finished reading) is supposed to think. we just need to be more recourfull.

may Allah always guide me to His way, and I hope this is a good decision I take. Amin...

[icherishyou]

sat, 16 dec 2023

it's been so exhausting lately. after I got a phone call from human resources on Tuesday that I will have a test and interviews on Thursday. somehow it affected my mental condition, because I was so nervous for the rest of the day until the day. and after a long day in KDR for the test and interviews, I was able to sleep all day on Friday, and to call Alf for 7 hours straight at night (telling her EVERYTHING that happened in Malay, asking her about career advice, gossiping about boys, planning about future wedding, as well as planning about our next year trip whether for Coldplay, Taylor Swift, or Bali).

the one thing that really caught my interest during my chat with Alf is, "boy still can ACT as if he loves you, while deep down inside his heart he has no feelings for you but pity"

Alf just told me about his friend, which was so close with one of his officemates, like everyone in the office know them as a couple. then he surprised everyone when once day he took an absence for getting married with another girl. some people cursed on him, judging him for leaving his officemate and married someone else. BUT TURNS OUT, his officemate was just his affair, and the other girl apparently was his long-distance girlfriend.

as the time goes by, Alf got one point that, the only reason he got married with his long-distance girlfriend is because he felt pity about her. he has no feelings at all towards her but keeping promise to her parents to take care of her daughter, so he just got on with life. his people-pleaser side drove him to another affair after marriage. he treats his wife so good in front of her but cheating on her behind her back. this thing somehow feels so unfair for both of them. we never know how long he could hold back his sympathy towards her until one day he will confess, or other witness will do. and how will his wife feel for the fact that his husband-material man is cheating on her, not because her inability to be a good wife, but because of his inability to love her since day one. I just can't relate to his ability to pretend and lie to his wife. if only he had more bravery to end their relationship since the beginning, everything will seem right even though unfair for her. these issues give me another new perspective about love which is combined by untruthful and honesty to yourself. thinking you can please everyone and make them all happy and take for granted of your own feelings. but we all do, don't we?

[icherishyou]

mon, 11 dec 2023

unbelievable!!! I haven't been journaling for 5 days.

I had to go to KDR on Friday and MDR-SBY on Sunday. somehow, I'm so tired right now. a lot to write but zero energy.

I have an interesting thing I found on Instagram this morning, related to my last question about why Allah put me in a condition where I have to deal with a guy who really wants me physically, mentally, and sexually (who calls me soft). on the other hand, my crush (who calls me weak) is in a relationship with someone else which still breaks my heart. then this certain post woke me up about how I was supposed to behave as a Muslimah.

I almost surrender towards #1 guy affection, but I'm falling into a condition where everything I see is a fine line where I don't get the edge between the good and bad ones. I really want to enjoy and explore everything while I'm young and free, as long as I don't break the core of the moral code I hold. but across to the side, my religious ass knows exactly that there is no such thing as 'not breaking moral code' while hanging out with a boy alone is already inappropriate in Islam. I have to choose, or sadly I wouldn't be able to choose because I'm just too naive.

sometimes I was just thinking maybe I'm just lonely, as what Hailey say in her song "we are not lover, we are just stranger, with the same damn hunger, to be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all", which affects my ability to choose something that obviously wrong, and blur me towards something that perfectly a sin. then I realized, is this how Allah put me on the right track, by giving me a 'study case' and letting me conclude by myself? will I lose my sanity and give up all of my religious side if I'm dating too soon?

for many people out there, my post would sound so silly because how couldn't I recognize any compromising act of service from a guy who exactly likes me since the beginning? trust me, just thank Allah if you can see anything so easy between the light and dark. because even though my brain can, my heart will deny. sounds like I need purification oh Allah... and since I realize this, I insert a small phrase to my dua, asking Allah to always put me in His track only, and to give me strength for staying in my religious side.

[icherishyou]

thu, 7 dec 2023

"everything happens for a reason" my mind speaks that phrase a lot more often than my own mouth. I really know everything happens for a reason, as I believe it as another phrase "Allah is the best of planners".

some moments in November just guide me these grateful mindset and non-stop thanking Allah for everything I experience right now. starting from my dilemma to attend a volunteering opportunity in Jakarta, to everything which leads me to Malay, I just believe Allah is trying to teach me something I need to think about. I remember my dad's "no" when I'm about to volunteer for Coldplay concert in Jakarta. I still remember his gaslighting and manipulative words instead of giving me pros and cons insights. but then after a long way of thinking, I decided to go. I usually said no to go during weekdays since I have a part-time job, but during the volunteer work, out of my plan, all of my students had other agendas which made them unable to meet the basic schedule. some of them just told me the d-day, so I imagined if I didn't go for the volunteer opportunity, I would just stay at home and regret the opportunity I took down. but Alhamdulillah the day I decided to go is the best decision I made so far. Not to mention a book I read the night before I decided to go just said "no matter people prohibit you from taking a certain decision, as long as you are happy with that decision, then go for it. you will be happier by believing what you want, because you know yourself better than anyone". Actually that is not what is really written, but that's the point hehe... and on my way back home from Jakarta, when a guy next to me said "you are so lucky and deserve the opportunity to volunteer in a Coldplay concert", I just realized, Allah has planned this for me, and makes the whole universe work the way it was to guide me to His plan. and I can't be more grateful. my Malay trip is just another different story. both my parents really want me to go, and they are the excited one. I just learned a new lesson from this trip which I believe Allah has planned for me, even during the trip I was wondering "what Allah tries to show me by these?" I'm facing two different realities which contradictive with my expectations all these times, and somehow confuse me in 1000 different languages. I met a guy who was supposed to be my best friend and turns out he treats me like both a princess and bitch (he said sorry for this already and begged for forgiveness over and over again). I met another guy who was supposed to be my crush for all these months and turns out he has a girlfriend and introduced her as his friend to me. I'm still figuring out what's Allah's plan for this, but I guess I keep making dua for everything that happens.

[icherishyou]

tue, 5 dec 2023

a random post in my reels just said something to start a new life by writing a journal. my friend, Radh, had told me this a few weeks ago, but I just think about it now "it could be fun to write something and read it the other year later". and then I don't know where to write it down since I don't have any random empty journal to write into. I was so in doubt to write it in this Tumblr since it would be so public while usually a journal should be so private. but screw it all... I can make all of these private later when I change my mind. so, today is actually a normal day since I came back from Malay last Saturday. my head keeps spinning around and I guess because I had less rest lately. I skipped my first hour of part-time for sleeping and eating my second lunch, but then I felt better. one of my students, Tal, texted me about her recent dilemma with his red-flag crush. she told me her crush might have fallen in love with another girl from his past, and so Tal felt so insecure because his crush chose his past instead of her (after a long process of love-bombing). I totally get it. her feeling is 100% valid. the fact that she is too young to feel this kind of messy feeling towards herself is just unfair. she has a long way to go, to move on, to enjoy her life as a normal teenager, or to take revenge. but I really know this type of feeling will make everyone just crumble down. I just want to hug her right now. if only Tal knows I have the same messy feeling, only in my case it's just me who is (was) in hopes, maybe it could make her feel better because she knows she is not alone. it's just hard to process that, Casp was my crush right a week ago, and I was just so excited to see him, discovering he will take care of me during my #2 Malay journey, but that journey just reveals a lot of things I was too stupid to understand, and too dumb to think that he may love me back since he is surrounded by those pretty girls, way more more more prettier than me. I'm just happy that he treats me as his little sister and just being a good big brother for me. I don't know whether to keep the same dua to Allah for making him the one or change my dua and just move on. on the other hand, Aki, the guy from my #1 Malay journey, just loves me so much. I actually don't know whether he really loves me or just for sex, since he had tried to fuck me right after we arrived at the hotel, I just don't want to be rude. I mean, he treated me like a princess, and he totally understands I can't love him back, but I can't hurt him by taking him for granted. so, I replied to him with a good word just to make him ok. by writing this, now I get it, Casp may be just being nice to me all this time because he is just nice, but I just misunderstand his nice move. I really need a 'real' holiday right now, like a single holiday to somewhere no one knows me. November feels so overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm so grateful for everything that happened during my November. I got a Taylor Swift movie ticket as my birthday gift, got a free pass to Coldplay concert, met Aki who really loves me, but it all feels so empty just because Casp is no longer my crush. it's just so unfair. I really hope my prayers and dua are keeping me sane. I only lean on them.

[icherishyou]

sat, 4 nov 2023

before the 4th november ends, I'd like to say something from a new me, who has been 17 for 10 years.

I've been the happiest person for these past few months since I finished my thesis' final defense (around end of july and early august). I

•make a lot of new friends •hang out a lot like a normal teenager •have graduated from master's degree •have part-time jobs •have great siblings, family, friends, and environment •etc

like I have everything... ummm okay, unless I have a boyfriend (but at least I have a crush now even though he is so far away). but I'm still so grateful for being loved by many people I couldn't imagine would love me this way and this big.

life could be so unfair yet so full of surprise (I like surprise). and in the meantime, I hate to admit it. for my whole life, I've spent a lot of time planning my life from the atomic schedule, just so my life is well-planned and running in the same order everyday. but just like the wise man said "we could plan, but Allah is the best planner" and I'm so thankful to Allah for everything I had. somehow I start thinking some parts that happen in my life do make sense now. Alhamdulillah...

I still have a lot of things to do, to achieve, to improve, to handle, and the most important thing is to catch up with everything I left behind. but at least I am so grateful for living my best life now.

when your love language is a "gift", and getting cake alongside a taylor swift movie tour for the gift can boost your serotonin (thank you vid and ical), it's hard to sleep now. I want to live in this moment forever (yet I haven't eaten my takoyaki yet and I want to continue the recent series I watch), but my skincare will cry if I ignore my sleeping schedule.

so, happy birthday to me...

I wish the best for me, my family, and my friends. I also wish for peace and a better place for the Palestinian. how could vampires live for centuries if it was just a war that appeared on the news.

[icherishyou]

sun, 1 jan 2023 

I really want to make this post as aesthetic as I can. But playing with my creativity of designing pictures, it will take some moments or hours, so I’d rather focus on what I want to write because I don’t want to make my writing schedule look harder than it should be.

Okay... I remember a tweet which said “do you know what’s crazy about 2022? it can be spelled as twenty twenty too (2020 as well)” at the end of 2021. And God, we are standing up in 2023 now!!!

So, before I move further to this great 2023, I’d like to flashback 4 moments which I consider as my best moments in 2022. I don’t want to be too confident here, I just want to appreciate myself for going through hard situations which change some aspects of my personality.

1. I finally earned my own money It started in the middle of September 2021, when I got a small part-time job with a small amount of salary, but enough to buy some needs of mine. I didn’t expect before that it could give me some amount which can afford my monthly spending, and thank God the amount of salary is raising so I am able to buy special food for my whole family every payday. And I’m so grateful for this. I hope to get a permanent job this 2023, but I will still hold this part-time job if I can.

2. I finally bought myself an iPhone This was actually a really hard decision, because I had to think many times whether I would financially recover from this or not. Buying an iPhone as a part-timer, with a lot of needs every month, no financial support from anyone, is an important decision making. After my friend convinced me to buy it, I finally bought the preloved one, but still in good condition and function, as well as price. And now I’m still trying to save again and recover my bank account ahahaha. Still, this was my best moment and decision because I need this on behalf of my job.

3. I finally found my passion back Back when I was a little younger, writing and reading were my passions, but I don’t know at the certain times they just disappeared. Thank God, they are still my passions, and will always be my passions (I really hope so). Thanks to my friends,  I feel so sure that my life will always be about writing and reading. So I encouraged myself to take a step on my writing-reading career, and join writing classes, writing practices, as well as set a target for how many books I should read, etc. I’m about to build my career with my passion as the bricks.

4. I finally became the girl that my grandma always wanted to be I used to be a prefect when I was 10. They who became a prefect were they who were smart and got the first parallel. I was smartest, I was in the first parallel for some few times, but I wasn’t the bravest. I wasn't a good prefect, I couldn’t lead my friends, I wouldn’t help my teacher to control the class because I didn’t know how, it was just not me. But lately, I volunteer to be a prefect, I am willing to help my professor to solve some problems, I control the class and situation, I am feeling good about managing, leading, and moderating the class. I feel like I am such a good leader and assistant. I just wish my grandma was still here, so I can tell her how happy I am to be this way. I even could imagine how she would have smiled because I could be that brave. 

I guess, so many lessons I learned during 2022. I lost so many things, but I found so many as well. Some parts of myself died, but some others grew. This proves how life is so much mystery, long come and go is just a matter of time. I still have many desires to learn which I couldn’t do last year. I want to learn how to cook, how to drive, how to help, how to be a housewife, etc. I wish I could catch up with them in 2023. But I just wish for the best for 2023, and I wish all of my vision boards come true.

[icherishyou]

tue, 2 mar 2021

Beberapa hari lalu dosenku tiba-tiba chat buat tanya kabarku dan beberapa hal terkait kuliahku.

Sejujurnya akhir-akhir ini aku males banget bales chat yang tanya "apa kabar?" karena aku udah capek bohong ke orang-orang dengan jawab "kabarku baik" padahal aku lagi nggak baik-baik aja. Dan aku juga nggak bisa cerita ke mereka kalau aku nggak baik-baik aja. Ketika beberapa orang marah-marah ketika temen mereka tanya tugas terus, aku adalah orang yang "kalau ke aku, mending kalian tanya tugas aja deh daripada tanya kabar!" karena aku bener-bener udah limit banget buat jawab "aku baik-baik aja"

Aku kaget waktu dosenku ini chat, karena dilihat dari historisku dengan dosen ini, hubungan kami nggak terlalu baik. Kami sering berselisih, ya masalah kecil khas dosen-mahasiswa gitu lah. Pas beliau tanya kabar, aku udah hampir "Nggak usah bales lah, bales yang terkait kuliah aja!" tapi karena aku sungkan, akhirnya aku jawab "kabar saya sedikit baik" dan aku tanya balik kabar beliau gimana.

Ya biasanya kan dosen tanya kabar cuma buat basa-basi aja ya, buat membuka percakapan terkait kuliah gitu. Tapi ternyata dosenku ini bales lagi terkait percakapan kabar tadi "kamu kurang baik kenapa? saya baik"

Dari sini aku udah muncul niat yang bener-bener belum pernah muncul sebelumnya. Mungkin efek aku udah lelah bohong dan pura-pura baik-baik aja selama ini, jadi munculah niat buat jujur ke dosenku tentang keadaanku yang bener-bener down, depresi, dan kehilangan motivasi.

Aku takut mau ketik langsung di chatbox, jadi aku rangkai dulu kata-kataku di note. Ketikanku jadi panjang banget karena aku bener-bener cerita semuanya, mulai dari kehilangan pertama, kedua, dan seterusnya. Dan sebenernya aku ragu mau kirim. Takut kalau misal dosenku tanya cuma karena kepo, bukan karena peduli. Aku sempat maju mundur, kirim enggak kirim enggak kirim enggak. Aku takut malah dijudge, atau beliau invalidating my feelings gitu, karena kebanyakan orang yang lebih dewasa kan kayak gitu. Tapi perasaanku bilang "udah, jujur dan kirim aja!"

Akhirnya aku kirim!

Dosen ini biasanya fast respon, tapi ada 30 menit dari aku bales, beliau baru bales. Dan balesannya bener-bener BAGUS. Jawaban yang bener-bener peduli. Biasanya juga beliau chat pendek dan penting-penting aja, tapi balesan beliau kali ini panjang banget. Beliau nggak ngejudge, bahkan beliau memaklumi hal yang udah terjadi ke aku. Beliau kasih banyak saran, dan bantu aku beberapa hal terkait kuliahku biar aku nggak terbebani lagi. Bahkan waktu beliau menganjurkan aku untuk fokus ke hal-hal terdekat karena itu biasanya healer paling cepat, aku jujur kalau keadaan terdekatku malah nggak begitu mendukung. Pokoknya aku bener-bener jujur semuanya, nggak ada yang aku tutupi, dan nggak ada lagi pura-pura buat baik-baik aja! Aku bener-bener menunjukkan my lowest point ke beliau.

Depresi adalah energi, dan penyaluran energi tersebut harus dikendalikan dengan baik.

Semoga lekas membaik dan sehat selalu.

Yang penting diniatkan untuk bangkit dan move on.

Pelihara silaturahmi dengan keluarga, karena keluarga adalah keluarga.

Aku merasa berterima kasih dan lega banget karena untuk pertama kalinya setelah sekian lama, aku bisa cerita jujur, walaupun ke orang yang nggak aku duga bakal aku ceritain. Aku juga bersyukur karena feedback yang aku dapet nggak bikin aku tambah sedih, malah bikin aku tambah seneng dan semangat lagi. Aku bener-bener merasa dimengerti dan astaga aku sendiri nggak tau gimana senengnya aku karena ada orang yang ngerti sama keadaanku gini.

Ya emang aku belum sepenuhnya pulih. Berani jujur cerita nggak akan semata-mata bikin pulih dan sembuh. Aku belum sepenuhnya bisa lepas dari semua masalah-masalah itu, tapi dengan cerita jujur dan dapat feedback yang baik, aku jadi merasa udah menapaki satu anak tangga menuju pemulihan.

[icherishyou]

sun, 3 jan 2021

Holy crap, it's 2021!

It feels like yesterday I celebrated 2020 new year by working so fucking hard in January, and then quarantine, and then the new year again! Where the hell are those days going? That damn quarantine makes the day shorter, I guess. Not gonna lie, 2020 was so damn hard and I'm glad to leave that year (let's act as if those shits left behind in 2020).

Oh god, I just wrote some words but my fingers couldn't stop swearing. I just want to be a good girl!

That's okay, let's move on! Life must go on! Even though 2020 was so rude to me, I wouldn't learn so many things if 2020 didn't happen. So, whether 2020 puts so much poison in my drink or my food, I can assure you that I am still alive and stronger!

I just want to write some lessons that I’ve learned in 2020 which may sound nonsense, but it does change my perspective of life.

1. Always be grateful for what you have, best or worst! As I said before, 2020 was a pandemic year, and we were in quarantine for almost a whole year. No activity outside, no physical meetings, no meet-up in your favorite restaurant, and no going outside for an unspecified reason. The point is to STAY HOME! Back in 2019 until January 2020 when I was so busy with my college and part-time, I always complained about my condition and situation which always made me so busy and tired. Wait, don't get me wrong! I like to be busy and tired. I like to come back to my room late at night, take a bath, and then have a deep sleep. I like it. BUT SOMETIMES, my college had an unspecified schedule about the assignments. Like suddenly we had to make a meeting with someone from a certain company, we had to go to another city to research about warehouses or something, etc. Let alone my part-time job. Before I took the part-time job, I had explained to them that I only can take the job at a certain time, but they suddenly called me to take the job outside of the time we had agreed before. Like dude, I have a social life as well. It was sad when sometimes my friend went to hangouts, but I had to do part-time, or I had to go home to meet my family, or I had been too tired to join them. Duh... And then the pandemic came. Me, who was an outsider, had to stay at home for the whole time, trust me, it drove me crazy. It made me feel so grateful for something I always complained about before. For the God's sake, I miss being busy and tired. I miss going everywhere with my friends doing great or shits. I miss sleeping when I'm physically tired. I miss everything. I even miss my irregular schedule which made me curse myself. Jeez.

2. Never wait for yourself to be ready, because you will never be! Besides the pandemic, I had other things that made my 2020 so stressful. I lost my grandma, my classmate, and my uncle (in terms of death, but not Covid19). My grandma (oh God, why did you do this to me?) was my support system. She would always say yes when the world said no. She was the one who backed me up when the world would like to beat me up. I have known my classmate since he came to Indonesia (he is an exchange student from Africa). We became so close because we had the same classes and group project lately. My uncle was my savior every time life got hard for me. He would calm me down when I had a fight with my mom or another family member. I lost them in a row and God... idk how was my feeling. I know this is fate. At the end of the day, we will lose someone we love the most whether we are ready or not. But seriously? 3 at once? I thought I was so sad because I wasn't ready to lose them at that time. And I thought, if only God took them away when I am a little bit mature, I would be ready. But until now, I realize that I will never be ready for losing someone I love the most. Whether I'm 18, 19, 20, or even 50 years old, I will never be ready. We have to agree on the way the universe works, whatever it takes. And that's the only way we can come to terms with the situation. This makes me understand the term sincere in life.

3. Love is not only having each other but also letting go Pandemic, losing people I love, and now heartbroken. How could life be so rude to me? Like, what I had done before which made the universe against me this cruel? But that's okay, let's see how far I will fight back! But don't listen to me seriously about this thing. I'm really bad at love. Two break-ups for less than a year dude, I can't make people stay. Tbh, I don't really know what to write in this section, because what I feel about this ‘thing’ is so complicated. I'm a too realistic person and feeling things like this makes me feel so confused to explain it in a word. Because that's what love should be, be felt and proven, not to be explained lol Okay. So, it sounds so bad for me to say that I can't make people stay while making them stay is not my responsibility. But indeed, I feel guilty every time people go. It makes me think "what mistake have I made this time?" I'm sure that I dated only good people in my life. I mean, they only needed nothing but time and love. And so did I. I only needed time and love from them. If you know what I mean, no parasite relationship here. So those are my responsibility, giving time and love (which can be in various ways). I have to do my best to spend time with him, listen to his story, laugh at his jokes, appreciate every simple love he gave, always be there for him, etc. Even though making him stay is not my responsibility, staying with him is my responsibility. And if he decides to go at the end of the day or the universe can’t make us both as one, at least I've tried to give my best. Well even though that "best" is only my opinion. Everything still can be so wrong although you have done everything so right. If he is happy and right for you, he will stay. So, if he is not staying, it means he is not happy enough to be with you even though you have given your best. Just let him go for his happiness. Don't waste your time and love to please him to stay while his heart is not for you anymore. You’ve done so well, and you deserve someone who will be happy with you, as happy as you with him. “I love you, but I let you go” I hear that clause everywhere and every time, but just at this age, I finally get the meaning.

4. It's okay not to be okay Maybe this was the simplest thing that I never noticed in my life. I also heard this clause so often, but I never knew the real meaning before. Or maybe because I just didn't have time to be not okay before. I was so busy with my life out there, chasing my ambitions, putting my emotions aside, and just focusing on my dreams. Because I thought, that’s the only thing that matters in my life. The only thing that people always want to see in me. If I felt sad, I would only spare a few hours to cry in my room. A few hours later, I went out of my room, and was facing a new day. Because I had so many things to do, and sadness would slow it down. Back in 2016 or 2017 (I forget the exact time), when one of my closest friends asked me about my ex, and I just told her that we had broken up a few days ago. And she was so surprised and said "WHAT? YOU JUST BROKE UP? AND NOW YOU JUST SIT DOWN IN FRONT OF ME AS IF NOTHING HAPPENS?". Indeed, I was so sad, who wasn't? But with those busy schedules, trust me, I looked so heartless. I had to be okay and no time to tear up my tears too much. But when this pandemic came, it felt like I had so much time to do nothing unless being sad because I had no busy schedules. With those many things in terms of death or break up, I cried a lot at night (sometimes without reason), I felt sad at day (sometimes without reason as well), sometimes I felt so desperate, and I wanted to give up. Jeez, I did feel sadness for real. I thought it was abnormal because I had never been that way before. Until I realized, I guess the universe just gave me time to mourn. I'm just a human, and it's normal to feel sad, crying, and okay not to be okay. I can cry as much as I can even if I have a lot of things to do. It's okay to stop some work just to heal my emotions. And I thought some people need to see me at my lowest point (but tbh this is not me lol I can't do this one, not to all people). So, whatever happens next in 2021, I guess I'm totally ready. Whether life will give me sugar or salt, I believe it happens for a reason. This life will give me only happiness or sadness. And from both, we need to be grateful.

[icherishyou]

wed, 9 may 2018

jadi aku lagi ngerjain penelitian tugas akhir di UTM. kalau beberapa hari kemarin aku ngerjain sama Dian dan pembimbing dari UTM (Indonesian), mulai hari ini aku ngerjain sendiri karena Dian udah balik ke Indo, dan pembimbingku juga lagi ada acara di Indo.

dari pagi aku udah ngerencanain ke lab naik bus kampus daripada Grab, lumayan hemat 10 Ringgit. selain itu, baterai hpku ternyata 0% karena semalam nggak ke-charge. akhirnya aku memutuskan untuk nggak bawa hp. fyi, kebiasaanku ini aneh banget, tapi temen deketku udah terbiasa sama tingkahku yang nggak peduli sama hp gini.

aku jalan ke halte depan asrama sebelum jam 8. biasanya bus lewat halte ini jam 8.10, jadi aku duduk manis di halte sambil nunggu bus lewat. hari ini jalanan sepi banget, dan entah kenapa aku ngerasa ada hal janggal dengan suasana yang sepi ini. mau berprasangka "mungkin karena sudah mendekati weekend" tapi belum dekat-dekat amat, mau berprasangka "mungkin masih terlalu pagi" tapi tiap hari jam segini jalanan selalu rame. akhirnya aku nggak peduli. fyi, hari ini Hari Rabu. di UTM, akhir pekannya Hari Jumat dan Sabtu, sedangkan Minggu masuk biasa.

belum lama nunggu, ada mobil sedan berhenti di depanku. aku takut kalau penculik, tapi ternyata dia mbak yang tinggal di asrama sebelahku (sebut aja Mawar). aku sempat ketemu Mawar tadi pagi pas jalan ke lift, tapi kami belum sempat kenalan.

Mawar: (bahasa Melayu) “where will you go?” Aku: (bahasa Indonesia) “to X research building” Mawar: “I'd like to go to Meranti, we are heading to the same direction, wanna join?” fyi, Meranti ini kantin pusat pemberhentian terakhir bus dari halte ini. jadi biasanya, dari Meranti aku sarapan dulu, lalu jalan ke gedung X karena jaraknya nggak jauh-jauh banget. karena Mawar baik, aku nggak bisa nolak, akhirnya aku iyain. masuklah aku ke mobil, di jok depan sama Mawar. melajulah mobil sedan itu ke arah Meranti, melewati hutan UTM yang kalau naik kendaraan kelihatan kecil, tapi kalau jalan baru kerasa luasnya.

Mawar: “what a good girl going to the lab during holiday” Aku: (kaget karena Mawar bilang aku rajin, tapi lebih kaget karena Mawar bilang hari ini hari libur) “hari ini libur?” Mawar: “what is 'libur'?” Aku: “umm... holiday. today is holiday?” Mawar: “so, were you waiting for the bus? don't you know today is national holiday because we have election, so will be tomorrow and the day after tomorrow" Aku: “HAH?” (sumpah aku kaget banget, yang aku pikirin adalah, aku nanti di lab sama siapa, dan aku pulangnya gimana?) Mawar: (ketawa, posisi kita udah di belokan deket Meranti) “then how will you go back to the dorm?” Aku: “that's what I am thinking of exactly!” Mawar: (ketawa lagi) “save my number, and contact me whenever you need a ride” Aku: “the problem is, I don't bring my phone” Mawar: (ketawa lagi, kayaknya dia bingung banget sama kebodohanku yang di abad 21 ini masih nggak bawa hp) posisi mobil udah di parkiran Meranti, dan aku masih bingung. karena nggak bawa hp, aku nggak akan bisa hubungi siapa-siapa, termasuk pesen Grab. tapi aku nggak bisa mikir karena terlalu laper.

Aku: “I'm so confused right now, will you sit with me while talking about this and eating?" Mawar: “I'm not gonna eat, I'm just parking my car since every parking lot is closed but here. so I have to go now” aku ngerasa nggak enak banget sama Mawar. dia udah anterin aku ke Meranti, masa aku suruh nemenin sarapan juga? akhirnya ya udah, karena aku laper banget mau makan dulu, sedangkan Mawar harus pergi, akhirnya kita berpisah. akhirnya aku makan di Meranti. “yang penting perut kenyang dulu lah ya” pikirku. beberapa kios banyak yang tutup hari itu, termasuk kios kesukaanku. jadi aku ke kios yang masih buka. habis sarapan, aku ke minimarket yang masih buka di Meranti, beli makanan instan, roti, dll buat persediaan Kamis, Jumat, sama Sabtu besok. selesai belanja, aku ke gedung X. “aku ke lab dulu sambil ngerjain, sekalian mikir pulangnya nanti gimana” pikirku.

DAN BENER AJA, GEDUNGNYA SEPI BANGET! ya ampun, sumpah sepi banget, ngeri! beda banget gedung pas rame kayak biasa dibanding kosong kayak gini. di luar terang, tapi nggak tau pas masuk rasanya gelap, serem banget kayak tempat angker dan berhantu. aku sempat mikir ini tempat bekas kuburan apa rumah sakit ya dulunya? aku nggak tenang banget pas buka laptop dan nyoba buat produktif. nggak fokus sama sekali. takut banget padahal itu masih pagi! 

akhirnya aku menyerah! aku udah nggak fokus! aku nggak bisa produktif karena aku ketakutan di gedung itu sendirian! akhirnya aku keluar ke balkon, mikir cara pulang gimana. aku sempet kepikiran jalan (capek bukan lagi masalah lah intinya) tapi aku takut tersesat karena aku belum hafal betul jalan ke asrama yang ngelewatin hutan dan banyak kelokan (aku pernah dikasih tau kalau di hutan ada babi hutan). trus aku baru kepikiran “kenapa tadi aku nggak minta email Mawar ya?" kan aku bisa hubungi lewat email.

akhirnya aku buka laptop lagi, connect wifi, buka gmail, tapi nggak tau mau hubungi siapa. aku lihat di Hangout, temenku Ayu lagi online. aku chat dia, tanya kalau pesen grab dari Indonesia buat di Malaysia bisa nggak sih? aku diketawain dong, “ya nggak bisa lah! harus sama-sama dari Malay” trus dia tanya kenapa, trus aku ceritain kan, eh dia malah ketawa! akhirnya aku buka tab baru di samping gmail. aku buka instagram nggak tau kenapa. lalu post pertama yang muncul di berandaku adalah post temenku, namanya Riana. Riana ini sahabat penaku dari London, tapi dia ada rumah di Johor Bahru dan Singapura (jadi sering bolak-balik 3 negara itu). sambil berdoa, aku komen postnya “are you at Johor Bahru rn?” berharap banget dia bales cepet dan jawabannya sesuai dengan ekspektasiku. DAN ALHAMDULILLAH DIA BALES CEPET DAN SESUAI EKSPEKTASI! Riana: “Hi love, yes I am. what happen?” Aku: “THANK GOD I NEED YOUR HELP!” Riana: “wow chill out. sure, what is that?” Aku: “my ass is in Johor Bahru bla bla bla” Riana: “WAIT WHAT? UR IN JB AND YOU JUST TELL ME RN? WE HAVE TO MEET UP!” Aku: “yes of course we have to, I’ll arrange our schedule later. but for now could you please order me a Grab?” aku sempet naik turun gedung buat buka laptop ngehubungi Riana, karena wifi cuma berfungsi di atas, dan Riana bilang kalau aku harus tunggu drivernya di depan gedung. setelah kurang lebih satu jam, karena drivernya bingung jalan di UTM yang berkelok-kelok dan muter-muter (bahkan sampai ada satpam yang nganterin drivernya ke lokasi gedung yang tepat), akhirnya aku duduk tenang di dalam mobil bagian jok belakang. drivernya ramah banget, cerita kalau tadi dia muter kesana kemari. bahkan dia udah lewat gedung ini tiga kali tapi nggak lihat ada aku di depan gedung, jadi dikira bukan ini gedungnya (mungkin aku pas di atas ngehubungi Riana). sampai akhirnya dia tanya satpam dan minta dianterin ke gedung yang bener. aku pun lega banget, minta maaf, dan jawab drivernya dengan suka cita juga. drivernya pakai bahasa Inggris btw. aku cerita ke drivernya pengalamanku hari ini, dan dia ketawa.

pas udah sampai depan gebang asrama, aku turun dan drivernya bilang “5 stars please!” dan aku jawab, “oh, I’d give you 10 stars if I could. you are so kind!” dan aku naik ke lantai 3, ke kamarku, bersyukur hari yang melelahkan ini berakhir juga.

[icherishyou]

Love is when you put someone else’s needs before your own. You know, like when Kristoff brought you back here and left you forever.

Olaf (Frozen)