idekwidcfo

[idekwidcfo]

last night she said something about taking the process of officially being boyfriend and girlfriend again slowly

like we can fuck and go on dates and live with each other and be spending most our time together but the word and labeling it that's gonna take some serious thought and consideration ok

also the subtext of not being sure she wants to be my girlfriend again sucks

[idekwidcfo]

I just wanna slit my wrists open for no discernable rain it's fine and normal actually it's ok

[idekwidcfo]

my best friend is mad at me because I asked about my hey I don't think she's my ex anymore girlfriend coming to upcoming social plans. and I did fuck up. I said, "oh she has EBT and can get discounted tickets too if you're cool with her coming" and put my friend on the spot where it was suddenly their decision about whether or not my ex could come, when I hadn't communicated anything about it and my friend was operating under the assumption it would just be me.

but Jesus I just need someone who's in my corner unconditionally and idk. the break up but still living together and I guess getting back together tho we haven't officially spoken that aloud has been a fucking ride and I can't talk to anyone about it. I talked to my best friend about the break up and feel dumb we're back together and like I'll be judged for that. I didn't tell anyone else cuz my not-anymore ex is already judged hard enough by everyone fucking else.

I know I put other people first to my own detriment. I know it's a flaw I should work on. can't I get some fucking understanding from anyone except my roomie/bestie/not-quite-ex about it? maybe I wouldn't be so fucking codependent if I felt I had anyone else in my corner who was rooting for me whether or not I was with her.

I'll have people to pick me up if we ever actually break up, but what about helping me through the rough patches as we navigate me being the only fucking person she has in her corner? I'm not going to kick her to the streets, I never ever will, I promised to take care of her and always be there to help her out and I'm a fucking man of my goddamn word. fuck.

maybe this will turn into another post I look back at and sigh but I couldn't live with myself if I made a trans woman who I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH not some rando off the streets but someone I have deep, intimate feelings for sleep on the streets and deal with everything that comes with homelessness. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone, I really wouldn't want to do that to any trans woman, and I am NOT going to do that to the woman I'm in love with.

[idekwidcfo]

goddammit Mikayla with your "do you want it? beg for it." like okay just when I thought I'd never get a good fucking again

[idekwidcfo]

he replied and I need to stop while I'm ahead

TEY ESTROGEN! JOIN THE GENDER CULT AND BE MY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND!

he's straight so he'd either have to accept that he's attracted to a man (me) or transition into a woman and accept that she's bisexual

or I'll be batting 3/4 for "dating women who prefer women even tho I'm a man". hopefully 3/4 and not 4/4. I am somewhat troubled by the revelation that Katrina has only dated other women.

talking to my ex like hey if you're gonna be in town we should meet up :) but also secretly like hmmm we had some of the best sex I've ever had with each other haha just kidding .... unless??

then he doesn't fucking answer my texts like okay fine I won't suck your dick then

[idekwidcfo]

jeez only took us another 13 months

you know you're really in it now when you start imagining asking for relationship advice online and know the commenters would ask why the fuck you're even still together.

At the end of the day, I want my happily ever after and she wants that with a woman, which I am not, and we should just break up sooner rather than later so we can move on and find what we actually want.

[idekwidcfo]

the girl I'm talking to said she hasn't dated any men since transitioning

I swear to god if I found another relationship to hop skip trip right into and she prefers women I might scream

or download grindr

[idekwidcfo]

talking to my ex like hey if you're gonna be in town we should meet up :) but also secretly like hmmm we had some of the best sex I've ever had with each other haha just kidding .... unless??

then he doesn't fucking answer my texts like okay fine I won't suck your dick then

[idekwidcfo]

I fucken love trans women but it really feels like straight trans women prefer cis men and transbians... don't date men. what's a st4t man to do

[idekwidcfo]

Mikayla is a fucking NEET lmao

[idekwidcfo]

"oh yeah idk what my gender is but I'm definitely not a man??"

"I don't mind buying condoms but fuck buying tampons"

They’ve finally made a women’s condom. No, not a female condom—it’s a male condom … for women. Meika Hollender is teaming up with her father, Seventh Generation founder Jeffrey Hollender, to market a new line of condoms designed to be more alluring to female consumers than traditional brands. “Conventional condom…

um what do my women (both trans and cis) followers feel about this?

[idekwidcfo]

enter Nan

I successfully drank last night?

My memory is incredible fuzzy but I didn’t black out, I threw up but it was almost like an opiate vomiting in that it just felt good to get the icky out of my tummy, and I didn’t mack on any dudes. 

Unfortunately I didn’t mack on any ladies either but that’s okay. 

I bet I could mack on Nan heheheh

I saw my best friend I hardly ever see since we’re both so busy which was awesome. 

My friends distracted a dude who couldn’t seem to get over how attractive I am (cool, except for the creepy aspect of it). He ended up a part of our group. I don’t know if someone explained to him that I have a boyfriend, if he maybe had a partner or something and wasn’t trying to hook up with anyone, or if he just had no game. I vaguely remember that one of the last things we did was try to get rid of him. Due to it being my friends, the plan was to run away from him as fast as we all can. I don’t remember doing that and don’t think we did but we planned to because we’re silly. I do think he forgot to get anyone in the group’s number, which makes me come back to my ‘no game’ theory. 

but it was fun! I finally got Nan’s number and am looking forward to getting closer with her. She told me about Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality which I’ve already started. 

this is my fucking blog not a reflection  assignment idk what else to say so i’m pressing post and moving on with my life now. 

[idekwidcfo]

me in 2025: liking Harry Potter is cringe

me in 2014: the above post

what's the truth

say what you will about JK Rowling, the fact she made Hermoine Granger who is my number one inspiration for be a straight-A student speaks volumes. 

[idekwidcfo]

still good advice probably

Don’t ask yourself, “Is this normal?” Instead, ask yourself:

Is this healthy?

Is this good for me?

[idekwidcfo]

I still feel this way because of that fucking jackass

If you are aware that you’re a douchebag jackass before your morning coffee

GET A FUCKING COFFEE MAKER

That is NO excuse to be a douche bag to cashiers and tbh I wish it was punishable by law with a hefty fine.

[idekwidcfo]

low-key maybe high-key kinda feelin like Mikayla could relate to this

I really feel like I used up all my chances to have boyfriend be sensitive to the fact that I’m upset and I wish he had told me that it was only an 18-month trial with the sensitive and caring version before I got downgraded to the ‘get over it’ one. 

I think there was one time maybe a few months ago… I think. Maybe. where he was understanding and sweet instead of exasperated and selfish. 

fucking selfish

i don’t care how annoying it is to you your partner is

fucking crying don’t act like it’s annoying at all jfc

I mean it’s great that I don’t get upset as often because I’m not on fucking hormonal birth control but that doesn’t mean I don’t get upset ever. 

[idekwidcfo]

ALSO i forgot to make this complaint 

we have 7 people to keep our 24 hr 7-Eleven running. 

If one of us gets sick or takes a vacation, we have 6. 

That is three shifts a day with at least one of the shifts having two people working and the owner is all RABBLERABBLE NO OVERTIME RAWR 

which makes it really hard on the manager who makes the schedule. 

also my taking the day off means a lot of stuff isn’t going to get done

and I just wish that the owner wasn’t so fucking concerned about keeping payroll low– HERE’S AN IDEA, SELL YOUR FUCKING ESCALADE IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO PAY ONE MORE PERSON TO WORK A FEW FUCKING HOURS A WEEK AND EMERGENCIES LIKE TODAY

He’s nice and he and his wife really did start from “nothing” (being born middle class and white, at least… ‘nothing’ as defined by white people) but don’t complain how fucking expensive giving people a fucking paycheck is when you drive that gus-gazzling piece of shit and it’s one of two cars and a motorcycle. 

SELL SOME SHIT IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO KEEP YOUR STORE WELL-STAFFED. CONSIDERING WE'RE WHAT KEEPS THE STORE RUNNING AND PUTTING MONEY INTO YOUR POCKETS, WE'RE KIND OF IMPORTANT 

of course I’d never say this to him… sigh. 

I just wish I could take a day off without feeling terrible and like resting so I feel better for work tomorrow somehow makes me a terrible person. 

fuck.