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bruce: he’s killed people

damian [who’s heard stephanie say this at least 10x a day]: but have you considered that maybe he’s just a teenage girl?

jason: yeah! have you considered that bruce?!

bruce: jason, you’re 22 and a male

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Look at the smile on this guy!

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I don't like sidearms. Now if you'll kindly excuse me... I'm robbing this here train.

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uh oh dads are here party's over Blue Beetle: Graduation Day #5

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Tim in the wayne manor living room telling bruce he is bisexual.

Tim: So yeah im bisexual.

Bruce: Well im proud of you no matter what and thank you for telling me.

Tim: Thanks Bruce.

Bruce: *sighs* Im glad that went well. I practiced alot for this.

Tim: You knew?!

Bruce: Oh no. I just thought itd be someone else coming out to me.

Tim: You thought it was gonna be Dick right?

Bruce: Absolutely.

A scoff comes from across the room. As they see Dick with his head in Wallys lap in the couch.

Dick: "how dare you say something so slanderous against me! You know what i dont have to take this verbal abuse." * Gets up and grabs Wallys hand.* "Come on honey were leaving."

Tim: Yeah i don't get how I'm the first.

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Bruce: Has everyone gotten their emergency gas masks upgraded? It’s nearly October…

Jason: Only if you stop giving us ominous reasons. Out here like “a storm is approaching… make sure you take twelve and only twelve extra batarangs!”

Dick: what he means is rogues who like to use gas like the scarecrow get more active the closer it gets to Halloween.

Bruce: That’s what I said.

Tim: maybe we should be concerned about how fluent Dick is in ominous sounding bat-warnings.

Dick: Hey, I’ve just been here the longest!

Damian: EVERYONE CEASE YOUR INCESSANT BABBLING! ALFRED THE CAT IS MAKING BISCUITS!

Everyone: Awww 🥰

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Alfred: Injury report?

26-year-old Bruce: All the blood is on the inside?

Alfred:

Some years down the road

Bruce: Injury report?

Tim: I left no DNA behind.

Cass: I can still beat the rest of you.

Jason: Haven’t died again.

Dick: No bones are visible from the outside.

Damian: I won.

Duke: I think I discovered a new power.

Steph: You’re not my dad.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Alfred: And how *is* Karma doing today, Master Bruce?

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The gall of Bruce to say ‘they don’t know the dark like i do’ about Dick and Jason. Like, buddy, both of these adult men have been fighting for their lives on Gothams streets since before they hit double digits. You toured Asia in your twenties. One of them swallowed the literal embodiment of darkness. The other one crawled out of his own grave. They have both gotten their own training under specialist mentors besides you, after they learned everything you had to teach. The patronising bullshit of this man.

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HC: The Batfam’s secret identities keep nearly being exposed through dumb mistakes, and citizens all over Gotham are constantly signing NDAs printed on ridiculously formal Bat insignia letterhead.

Tim: Used his Coffee Club rewards card for a free espresso as Red Robin, forgetting it was linked to his civilian identity because it was 3am and he was running on 42 hours without sleep.

Steph: Used her personal phone to tap-and-pay at Batburger with Cass. Bruce got pissy but she’s like, “Who accepts cash in a post-pandemic world, Mr Out Of Touch?” Used the experience to bargain a work phone out of Bruce.

Dick: Poses the exact same way in selfies with fans as both Nightwing and Dick Grayson. “What? Is it a crime to know my angles? I’m not apologising for having a good side!”

Damian: Constantly threatening people in League dialect as Robin and at school. It’s like a super niche language. People notice.

Jason: Grabbed one of his Red Hood jackets because it was cold and accidentally pulled out two grenades and a gun when asked for ID at the bar.

Duke: Straight up used his Signal powers to find something at the back of his locker at school. Like just lit up the hallway. “I thought I was alone!”

Cass: Took out cash from the ATM as a civilian for Batburgers with Steph, and paid as Black Bat. Someone at the bank traced the serial number of the bill and ATM surveillance footage. Batman declared that this wasn’t Cass’s fault and gave her another $50.

Alfred: Outsourced some of the superhero suit laundering to a professional company because he’s ONLY ONE MAN for god’s sake, and sometimes he needs an afternoon off.

Bruce: Literally just keeps adopting kids who look exactly like all the new crimefighters who help Batman. Has a massive public profile and just. Keeps syncing up families with Batman? People are like uhhh is he expecting us not to notice, or?

And all of them have accidentally posted to the wrong social media account at some point.

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pov you adopted a kid but you forgot hes not usamerican

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to survive galas the batkids play drinking games, so possible topics of when they have to take a shot:

bruce fakes being wasted to cover up and injury and ends up breaking something

selina pickpockets bruce unnoticed

damian gets his cheeks pinched

dick gets swarmed by cougars

tim gets too into his fake socialite persona and forgets to turn it off with them

steph knocks over a tower or drinks

jason shows up in an unspeakably horrible disguise (ie. fake mustache, clark’s glasses, etc.)

cass scares the shit out of people by materializing next to them

jim gordon takes a shot

someone accuses bruce of fathering their secret love child

duke claims to not be related to them

damian and tim get into fisticuffs

tim get caught napping (in a closet, under tables, etc.)

someone tells jason he looks just like “that poor old wayne kid who passed”

jason responds with something equally horrific (ie. he was ugly don’t insult me like that, i’m his ghost back to haunt you, that’s what he said too, oh i know my surgeon is a miracle worker do you want his card, etc.)

tim and damian resort to psychological warfare

bruce is a casualty of said warefare

duke steph and jason spread outlandish rumors about gotham to scare rich socialites

barbara spitefully runs over someone’s foot with her wheelchair

damian is caught hiding under the table like a gremlin

dick attempts to perform circus tricks

a batkid tells the truth about an injury and isn’t believed (was trying to ride the cow on a skateboard, sibling threw them off the banister, etc.)

bruce causes an international incident

tim causes an international incident

any of them cause any kind of incident affecting the greater east coast area or larger

one of the rumors the kids started comes back to them full circle

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Snapchats from Nightwing

Dick Grayson being the annoying big brother everyone loves 🤣

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The Batfam dressing up for Halloween. Bruce lets them, under the condition that they still wear enough of their uniforms that people are able to recognize them

Nightwing- He owns a sexy maid outfit for this night only. Nobody believes he only wears it one night a year. Despite the fact that he does

Red Hood- His old Robin costume. Complete with cobwebs and smudges of dirt to make it look like he's a ghost. Yes, he's breaking Batman's rule, but he doesn't care

Orphan and Spoiler- They switch uniforms. The bright purple, snarky hero being silent and able to appear out of nowhere is almost as terrifying as the normally silent shadow speaking and giggling

Red Robin- He wanders Gotham covered in blood. Everyone preys it's fake blood. No one's had the guts to ask

Signal- He has a collection of slasher flick masks. He likes to go through the batcave and pick out weapons to match each mask

Robin- He doesn't want to dress up. At all. Dick convinces him to at least wear cat ears

Batman- He put large googly eyes over the lenses on his mask. The people he busts that night have never been more scared in their lives

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Do you think Tim holds things over his brothers' heads whenever he wants something?

Dick- Aw, there's only one piece of pizza left

Tim- Mine

Dick- Or, we could split it

Tim- Or, it's mine

Dick- You know, sharing is caring, Tim

Tim- You know what else is caring?

Dick- Hm?

Tim- Not gaslighting your sibling into thinking he's insane

Dick- ...

Tim- Not taking Robin from him

Dick- O-okay

Tim- Trusting that he's been right about enough things in the past that maybe, just maybe, he's right about your father being alive-,

Dick- You can have the pizza, dude. Jeez

Yyyyy

Jason, seeing Tim laying across the entire sofa he wanted to read on- You can either move or be sat on, little man

Tim, not even looking up- Today is not the day. I fucking dare you to try me

Jason- Tim, move. I am bigger than you. I am stronger than you. I will crush you

Tim- Bigger, maybe.

Jason- Tim-,

Tim, locking eyes with Jason- How long did you last with Joker? Half hour?

Jason- Excuse me?

Tim, holding up three fingers- I dealt with Joker AND Harley. For three WEEKS. And survived

Jason- o.o???

Tim, getting cozy again- Get on my level, bitch

Yyyyy

Damian- You're delusional if you think you can beat me, Drake. I was trained by the best of the best!

Tim- The best of the best?

Damian- That's right!

Tim- When's the last time you checked on those 'best of the best' teachers of yours?

Damian- What are you talking about?

Tim- I'm talking about the fact that you might have been trained by them

Tim, leaning down to Damian's level- But I took them out

Damian- Wh-what??

Tim- Still want to spar?

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reverse robins Damian meeting tiny Dick Grayson its a toy sword dont worry

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Bruce still does the tooth fairy thing for the kids.

The bats are constantly losing and having to replace their teeth. Because you don't get hit, kicked, and thrown on your face almost every other night and keep all your teeth.

So imagine early on when Duke first stays at the manor. He comes in saying how he was thrown into a car and lost a tooth on patrol.

They tell him to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy. He laughs it off like , "OkaY, the tOotH fAirY."

The next morning at breakfast

Dick: "How much did you get?"

Duke: "Get what?"

Dick: "From the tooth fairy?"

Duke: "Oh, haha, right."

Steph: "?...Wait...Bruce?!"

Jason: "Why didn't he get anything??"

Bruce: "Don't ask me. The tooth fairy probably couldn't find it."

Duke: "You're not joking? You were serious about leaving my tooth?"

Tim: "Yeah, B always leaves money."

Bruce: "Untrue. The tooth fairy leaves money to children who lose a tooth. Not me."

Jason: "Yeah, whatever, anyway, make sure you let him or Alfred know when you lose a tooth and leave it out when you go to bed.

Bruce: "Alfred and I have no say in the tooth fairy's actions."

Tim: "We've caught him on camera, but he insists to deny."

Bruce: "Or perhaps you caught a clever disguse made to trick you?"

Dick: "... Just leave it out tonight, Duke."

Duke: "Okay, I guess I'll leave it out then?"

Bruce: "Somewhere the tooth fairy can find it easily, Is what I assume they would want."

Steph: "Smooth."

Damian *walking in*: "Father, thank you for the extra cash. This will go to the new treats I wanted to try for Batcow."

Bruce: "It wasn't me, thank the tooth fairy."

Damian: "... Yes, the tooth fairy. Thank you tooth fairy."

Bruce: "I think the tooth fairy appreciates that, Damian."

Everyone: *sigh*

(Cass is there the whole time casually eating because only Bruce knows that she sometimes will sneak in the rooms first to wait for him.)

Cass when Bruce finds her in the darkness of her sibling's rooms: "😃"

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Bruce Wayne’s son privilege.