idkhtst
IDKHTST
"I Don't Know How To Survive This". / Secondary blog to share some thoughts cause I have no one to talk to... "Yaaay"...
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My mood swings are so crazy and it is so draining I have zero energy left...
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Damn, why do I always fall for the same traps 😭 When do I learn not to trust people?!?!?! Ugh...
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It is so hard when you have literally zero in common with people around you, let alone with your family or relatives... How on earth is this possible? If I wasn't that much look a like as my parents I'd be 100% sure I was adopted or something... It is so lonely and so fucking painful having to break yourself in front of them to fit "their picture perfect". I feel so ugly not being able to see the world as they are and not fitting into their picture and they see me as ugly because I'm just a black sheep of the family, they got lucky to have a kid, but was unfortunate to have someone like me. I love being alone and minding my own business, but when you're surrounded with a tight circle of people who always poke their noses and force you to change and find a way to make you drink their poison and you have no way to get out and have to interact with it - that's lonely and painful as hell.
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Just another day with drained energy... I hate being cornered and having zero options to say 'no' to energy sucking vampires. Or not being able to leave... And I'm tired feeling so much hate... And being lonely... Not alone, but lonely.
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It feels so good to lay in darkness and in complete silence... I wish nights were ten times longer...
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My chest hurts all the time and I’m homesick about places I’ve never been. I hate myself for not being able earn more money and just runaway. But running away, probably, won’t be enough, I’d be bonded by visa shit, you probably have to be a genious to be invited to another country to work for many years... Omg, I’m gonna live like this forever... Shhhhet. Oh, well...
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As my family says about me - “ who do you think you are, you are nobody and you have no name”. They’re probably not wrong, whole family can’t be wrong all together right? So... Nice to meet you, I’m nobody.
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When abuser verbally hits you in front of all the family and a guest, you chose to leave the room and then overhear them AGREE with him and making me sound like a crazy one and agreeing with him on treating me like that. WOW, that hurts.
And I must say that is some fucked up meaning of a “family” some people have, but what do I know, right? I’m the black sheep of this “family”.
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When I have a happy moment, which is so rare to me these days, it is so heartbreaking that I have literally ZERO people to share such moments with.
It’s not that ‘they’ don’t understand or even care to pretend, they’re like sooo don’t care, that they’ll bring you donw and make you feel worse or “skipped”.
So, in order to have my happy moments I usually pretend that nothing happens and do “crazy jumps and happy screams” silently inside my head. 😅
The crazy shit is - not being able to share happy moments with someone and shutting them up in my head makes me feel so lonely afteral that it makes me question does these happy moments worth the heartbreaking loneliness that comes after? Yeah, that’s the question.
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Everything is just too much... Thanks to pandemic for slowing lives around, otherwise, if life’d be going in full force, I’d be barely coping with everything being too much... Weird, but pandemic makes it easier...
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Back in 2015-2016-2017 I was going through one of the hardest times and it was so hard I was barely holding on, I was “roaring”, but getting up and fighting every single day. Well, I had hope and a dream of a lifetime to fight for, it was my light in the end of the tunnel and dark times wasn’t going to stop me.
But at some point it got so heavy on me that I decided to vent it all out in message. Purpose of this was to clear my head and to one day read this message and smile as it’d be just a memory without emotions, like I pulled through and I’m on the other side and this is just a history now.
So I wrote my first vent-it-out message back in 2015... Then in 2016... Then in 2017... Then I just stopped doing it, cause at some point I realised nothing is changing, no matter how hard I try. And if I’d go back in 10 years prior 2015 and write a vent-it-out message from each year - I’d see that NOTHING EVER CHANGED. I put so many energy into working hard, re-build myself, learned a lot... And all these wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough to make my dream come true.
I finally gave up. Coming to terms of giving up on your dreams especially when you never even had it in mind - was hard, it took me few years to swallow it down and I’m still in process of accepting such a thing.
But most crushing things are - these messages. They’re like last breaths of a drowning person who fights his way to make another breath, but at the same time wasting last energy with each fight between the breathes. Amd reading them is like witnessing this but not beimg able to help and then person is drowned and it’s too late and, somehow, you’re totally okay with this, cause you feel nothing.
It’s like being at your own funeral with no body. Every single day.
And I would think - why would I ever went through all the shit, does dreams matter that much? Why would anyone waste their last breathe on such a stupid thing? WHY? Cause it’s sooo stupid. And I was surprised to find out that it actually mattered, even being emotionally drained and dead I still felt like it was worth it and if I had the chance I’d go through this again and fight for my dream as hard as I can.
My life is ruined and worth nothing, but the fight and the trip along the way was worth it! Great times.
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You know you’re THAT lonely when you have no one to IMAGINE being by your side or supporting you. Like, you know, imaginary friend, or something...
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I am so full of hate towards myself and I'm so tired feeling this and so hopeless... How do you find your way out if you're the one who brought these to yourself and have no energy to get out cause you waste your energy on hating yourself not being able to get out and being so stupid... It's a neverending circle of spiraling down... I'm so tired...
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Where do you go when you have nowhere to go? How do you go through the tough times when you have no one by your side and barely holding on? Who do you talk to when you can't afford therapy session and "closest" people are the last ones to talk to...
I'm not even sure I'm going forward... Rather just holding on by spending last drops of energy... I wish I'll survive this and see a better times and will read this and smile...
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Everyone in diff rooms away, not because we keeping distance but because nobkdy wants to talk to each other, erryone scream angry or ignoring right in the face
I just need a good cry to release the tension but I better not make any sound
Also, should be taking my antibiotics right about now but my stomach hurts like hell after the pill, so will wait till doc visit to ask what to do
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Im more terrifyed of being with the angry member whoslike a ticking bomb than survivng a flu thing.
Not knowing what to expect of this unstable emotional mood, things can get hot easily. When anger is suppressed - rush adrenaline and hot tempo is twice hot.
Hope well be able to sleep a little and wont be losing much nerves i cant i just cant even
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