ifyoudidntknowme-blog

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Dear Fear.

You no longer have the upper hand. I jumped into the deep end even when you said that I can’t.

With this new mission I’m surely out to get you, not only in my own but in others lives too. It’s OVER and DONE - I will not let you grow. Thank God for Pastor Asif’s Message on you REAP what you SEW. 

I am sewing seeds of LOVE to overcome FEAR, so I’m sorry if it hurts but I’m done with you dear...

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Dear God.

Please oh please, I need my mind to be free. As I get older, this disorder is really affecting me. Anxiety, depression, and all my chronic obsessions; if this is for a season, I’m pretty sure I’ve learned my lesson. The message, the story, that I’m supposed to tell. How can I speak of freedom if I’m not permanently well? I try so hard to keep the faith and walk in my victory; if the battle isn’t mine then why do I feel constant misery? I've gone for deliverance time and time again - I've rebuked and cancelled the works of satan. I know you live in me and I AM FREE indeed.. I just need to see the fruit birthed in my mentality. I’m abandoning myself to walk in your ways; PLEASE God, YOU SAID... so I MUST….see….BETTER days.

[ifyoudidntknowme-blog]

End of summer. #TheThirstForMore #Summer16

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Dear Self.

Stop being so selfish. You have a gift that’s hidden inside of you and you have an obligation to birth it so that it can take its form and perform its reason to be born. Stop being torn; this is the Lords, not yours, so release it and you will no longer mourn. Rest in Peace to Self because I’m putting it on the shelf - and I'm picking up the book that will heal my spiritual, physical, emotional and mental health.

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Dear BabyGirl.

I don’t know if I have ever said that I am sorry. I am sorry for being immature. It was extremely selfish of me to bring you in only to take you out before you could have a chance in this world. Today I feel a bit sick to my stomach as I thank God for receiving you in Heaven and having mercy on the innocent children of this world. I have no idea who He had called you to be but I know you would have been beautiful, strong, hilarious, bold, intelligent and a fighter. It’s kind of strange because last night I had a dream about your dad. Almost falling into the same immature temptations that brought me to the immature and selfish decision that I made 6 years ago. Yep. You were a fighter. I know this because you didn’t fully let go and it hurt. It hurt to see pieces of you still left in me bleeding to be released in your full value. I felt I deserved it and was being punished - perhaps I was. Perhaps you needed me and the only way you could be with me is if you took me with you. But I was selfish. I discarded every piece physically but spiritually you are tied to my womb. I haven’t forgotten about you. I cry for you. I love you. I can only pray that God allows me the grace and mercy to unite with you in heaven when my time comes. Sorry is not enough. As if I fell more in love with children after I gave up my own? Maybe it’s the guilt. Six years feels like yesterday.

[ifyoudidntknowme-blog]

Starting to drill this in my head. Boy is it hard. Perhaps I make it a poster?

[ifyoudidntknowme-blog]

I care not for who you were. Who are you right now? More importantly, who do you strive to be?

Theinfjchristian (via theinfjchristian)

[ifyoudidntknowme-blog]

Dear Summer.

You're coming to an end but I am going to enjoy you. I am going to soak up the sun and spend more time outdoors than indoors. Patios. Cottage. Rooftops. Beach. All the things you provide within reach. I love you. I appreciate you. Stay a bit longer. Please?

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Dear 26.

You are more serious than I thought. Thank you. I need you to keep whipping me into shape and reminding me that every little thing is going to be okay. Anxiety will be gone. Depression will not linger. You are teaching me to be courageous. Teaching me to be creative. Teaching me to not quit just because I may not always like my job. Teaching me not to give up on friendships and most importantly, giving me hope to believe that God loves and will bring me love........

Okay I still do find that topic awkward. But we’ll get there.

[ifyoudidntknowme-blog]

Dear 25.

You fought the good fight. I look back and I am super proud of you. You chose to face your demons. You didn’t throw in the towel just because you were disappointed by christians, church or yourself. You took a huge step in the direction of getting help and trying to straighten things out. Because of you, I am still here today fighting the good fight. Because of you, I realized I am still young and I don’t have to act like I am 30 years old pushing 50. Because of you I realize I still have a life to live. Because of you I learned there is life past suicidal thoughts. Because of you I learned that God wants me to write. Hello 25. You helped me realize that. You were one of the greatest things that happened to me. 26 is great - but 25 was so necessary for me to realize my future has purpose. That God DOES want to use me for His Glory even though it doesn’t FEEL like it. You made changes that you wanted and I will reap the goodness of what you started and sowed. Thank you for keeping strong. Thank you for keeping on.

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Dear Nobody.

Sometimes I feel too overwhelming for people. Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too deep. Too different. Too African. Too spiritual. Too much. 

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Dear Me.

What a journey it has been. The strength I feel is unexplainable. In a way though, I feel numb. I feel like nobody understands but the Father, but I am still learning to freely access and hear from the Father. Sometimes it sucks not having siblings to talk to. I have learned the art of surviving and I am thankful for those who are close like a sibling; but there is something about blood. Blood is strong. I mean Jesus didn’t just shed His blood as if blood is a joke. There is a thickness. A realness. A depth. Something more beyond just regular bonds. So yeah. It SUCKS sometimes. But hey. This strength is unexplainable. The numbness is just apart of the process to learning how to feel and be real with the Father. Learning how to shed off my old identity and walk in the newness. I’ve known about Christ in a deeper way since 2011 but there is something deeper happening. My tears are coming from a deeper place. Not necessarily pain, but from a deep well within me that was dry for a long time. I don’t know. Thank God for this blog. I can literally just write whatever. 

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Dear God.

Thank you for your transforming power. Thank you for taking me out of dark places. Just like I told my friend JB; the psychologist was great but I needed much more than going in circles about my issues. I needed HEALING. I needed GRACE. I needed CHANGE. And you GAVE it to me. You keep giving it to me and now I am going to tell the world about the power of your son Jesus. The power that you want us ALL to walk in as your children, just like your first born son.

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Dear God.

I’m finally understanding. The soul is separate from the spirit. Although I am born again by your spirit, my soul is still filled with junk. The funky smell from it is what clouds my senses from following your message. And if I continue to push past the clouds by faith, I soon will find myself in a victorious sunny place. My mistake; for not taking the time to understand. Or perhaps it’s what I have been doing all along, but in fear. After all....if I didn’t keep going, how else would I have gotten here?

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Dear Self.

Do you know how many times you change your mind? It’s no wonder you need God to direct you. But yet you follow God until your soul is too weak. Why?

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Dear Soul.

I’m trying to clean you up, it’s quite obvious that you have been filled with junk. However, every time I get a little closer, it’s like I so easily take a couple steps back right after. I know it’s a process and it takes time, but this perfectionism inside of me needs to die. 

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Dear School.

I don’t miss you hehehehe.