igottabitch-blog

[igottabitch-blog]

Ain’t no great kind of wound openage until you go back to what you immediately left after a sexual assault. I interviewed for the same position I had before my assault and when it happened. This was the first time trying to interview since I walked out. I calmly explained that I had a life emergency. My new manager understood. He said promising words that I don’t want to repeat out of fear of jynxing it. I just feel that I might have blown it by staying in the restaurant for three hours after. Idk man I was Fucking hungry for bomb ass food and I wasn’t sure if I’d be coming back again because my General Manager didn’t think too fondly of me and he’s probably going to say the final no. I just saw people and heard about people who let me down when I was assaulted and ghosted me as friends because it’s easier to avoid tragedy then acknowledge that it happened. I was there for those bitches all the time but the moment I needed my crew, they backed out. I’m not even sure why I want to be a team with them again. I just want practice working with people I don’t like and being able to handle it. Not everyone there sucks, I just tend to let a few bad apples ruin it. I look forward to maybe getting the chance to try and be a better person.

[igottabitch-blog]

Ain’t no great kind of wound openage until you go back to what you immediately left after a sexual assault. I interviewed for the same position I had before my assault and when it happened. This was the first time trying to interview since I walked out. I calmly explained that I had a life emergency. My new manager understood. He said promising words that I don’t want to repeat out of fear of jynxing it. I just feel that I might have blown it by staying in the restaurant for three hours after. Idk man I was Fucking hungry for bomb ass food and I wasn’t sure if I’d be coming back again because my General Manager didn’t think too fondly of me and he’s probably going to say the final no. I just saw people and heard about people who let me down when I was assaulted and ghosted me as friends because it’s easier to avoid tragedy then acknowledge that it happened. I was there for those bitches all the time but the moment I needed my crew, they backed out. I’m not even sure why I want to be a team with them again. I just want practice working with people I don’t like and being able to handle it. Not everyone there sucks, I just tend to let a few bad apples ruin it. I look forward to maybe getting the chance to try and be a better person.

[igottabitch-blog]

must not forget how words get twisted.

she first asked me “so do you still want to do that program”  and I was like “no I changed my mind for the millionth time and want to be an astronaut now”

and when I told her she asked me if I still wanted to do said program, she said “no, I asked if you were as excited about the program as you were last week” either way, I still feel like my family is probing me or attempting to get me to not do this program at all.  

[igottabitch-blog]

Her dog acts just like her.  Her dog will spend all day with me and be quiet and mostly good, but the moment she comes home her dog will start barking and getting mad at her because she’s not paying full attention to her.  

Was asked to walk her again today, as she stood in front of me on healthy legs and a somewhat sound mind, pawning off her dog onto me as often as I get spam popups on this virus infected computer.  

Her deceased therapist thought it was the greatest idea in the world, as I would then tell her therapist when she was alive, “You know I’m the one that takes care of the dog all day”.  She hasn’t even taken her to the vet in months and her nails need to be clipped, they’re that bad.  

I’m just not a dog person and I know that’s forever the unpopular opinion of a lifetime as everyone seems to love dogs.  I can’t stand most of them.  Dogs don’t like you because of you, they just like you because they’re predispositioned to.  A cat chooses to like you.  That’s why cats will alway be better.  

[igottabitch-blog]

I spent the whole time at my godparent’s house gushing about the program I was going into, the one I had chosen.  I’ve noticed that I and a few friends are the only one that’s excited about my new direction in life.  Everyone else hasn’t been that supportive or cared to hear about it.  Makes me wonder if my over excessive search for the perfect career has left them burntout.  But regardless, when you find something you love, you don’t need others to tell you that what you’re doing is okay.

So my godparents emailed me and asked me if I “had any ideas about classes I want to register for”.  WTF you guys, I spent an hour talking about how excited I was for said program.  I felt that as a personal nudge to try and get me to enroll in something more “suitable” for me.  Such as Art or Writing.  Just because someone is good at Art doesn’t mean they should be an artist, along with writing.  I don’t have the creative drive anymore and to be honest I want to be guided and told what to do when it comes to my career.  Only by the instructors themselves, not the people in my life who think they know me better than me.  I’m probably also pissed at my gparents as well because over the years they stopped inviting me to their family gatherings and I know that my mom would talk a lot of shit to them about me, painting an ill picture in their eye.  Yet they can still hang pictures of their sex offender grandson on their fridge.  Yup.  I WAS SO BAD because I smoked weed and was “Addicted” to it, yet a sex offender still gets included in the family.  Where I come from, which is my own set of rules I have made myself to get out of my family’s grasp, is that we don’t talk to sex offenders.  Just sayin.

It’s funny how adults can spend years telling you to get back into college and encourage you to do so and to be yourself completely, but the moment you pick a career, it’s not the right one for you in their eyes.  Or that they have access to cars when yours is broken and they have free time to be able to take you to said college and cannot help you with rides when you’re actually trying to do school.  

On another note I have to email this asshole’s parole officer regarding a PPO I have on him.  Kinda not wanting to do that but it needs to be done.  I’m afraid he is going to try and shoot up my school.  I hope he doesn’t.  I also hope that he stops raping women.  But that’s probably not going to happen sadly.  he’s making PTSD monsters out of all us.

And then my mom today asked me when I was going to throw out the fly traps from her fly infestation that she refused to acknowledge until today when she asked me that.  I told her, “whenever the flies are gone”.  I made some pretty good traps but in this life I’ve had to learn how to catch vermin when my parent didn’t want to.  Gotta love cats for this exact reason.   She’s starting to pick fights with me again although she’s been calm the past two days.  Knock on wood.  She doesn’t want me to move out, and my other friend made a good point that I’m saving a lot of money at home.  But I entered a contest to get a new home and also applied for a scholarship, to which I find out in ten days if I got it or not.  I’m not expecting them to happen but I need to shoot for the stars these days.  She mentioned to me that she doesn’t want me to move out because I help out with so much cleaning and taking care of the dog.  I offered to come back once a week and clean the house and take care of her dog for her, only if she paid me a little bit for it and lol funny how quickly someone can say no when money is involved in that sense.  I may only pay 200$ in rent but I provide free bratty puppy care and clean up messes before they’re almost mold.  My psyche is starting to pay in ways that I’m only caring about now because it interferes with my studying.  And if I don’t study hard enough, I might miss a detail that could save someone’s life and then lose my license.  So yeah, I’m not putting myself on the line anymore just to save 350$ in rent money a month.  I’d rather be poor and working hard at school then saving money and cheating myself out of my newly found sanity.   I’m not really that nervous for school anymore as I see it as a way out of the abuse I live in.  When I get that career, I’ll be free to live wherever I want and I won’t need anyone’s financial support but my own.  

I could possibly have found a new roommate but two problems, 1) I wouldn’t be able to bring my cats and 2)she has a roommate already who is a total asshat and unappreciative of how good he has it there.  He’s a passive aggressive dick to me because he doesn’t want to stick his dick in me and it boils my blood.  I’m learning how to shut off emotions when it comes to woman users like that and passive aggression but it’s fucking hard.  

[igottabitch-blog]

Welcome welcome my fellow reader.  Do you happen to have a narcissist in your life?  Are you just waking up and realizing that you in fact have done nothing wrong and are actually not the bad guy?  Or are you still stuck in the neverending cycle?  Here are 11 signs below that you’re involved in narcissistic abuse.   1.  You dissociate as a survival mechanism.     -Dissociation is the state of disconnecting to deal with said problems.  You might not often know that you are doing it but most say that they feel like they are in a fog and looking through a screen or film as if they are watching a movie.   -Dissociation is a way we protect ourselves from getting more hurt by the abuse. 2.  You walk on Eggshells.    -Most of my life I was always told by my Nparent that she had to “walk on eggshells around me”.  Which ended up being a form of projection which I will explain later.  For those that don’t want to wait, projection is a form of simply projecting their issues onto us and being told that we are doing certain behaviors for example that actually they are the persons committing said actions instead. - Walking on eggshells includes being overly careful while talking to said N, making sure that your tone of voice is just right and being overly careful with what you say because you know that anything you can say can be taken out of context and you don’t want them to blow up on you.  This is not normal . Normal people (well no one is normal but you get where I’m going) will not blow up on you for not saying the wrong thing and they also won’t hold it against you for years. 

3.  You put aside your basic needs for them to please them.   -Notice how you could practically save their life with a kidney donation and they’d still mention how your kidney wasn’t good enough for them.  I’m using this as an example scenario although I’m sure some of you have actually experienced this sadly.  Never give a narcissist what they ask for because they will never be happy with what you give them. 4.  You’re dealing with health issues as a side effect to the abuse -Most common are high blood pressure and a weakened immune system.  Heck, I even heard of someone who had constant UTI’s her whole life until she moved out of her parent’s house.  If you see that your symptoms are getting worse and festering, or that you just have any to begin with; plan your exit strategy right now even if it might take a couple of years.  The hope of being able to leave might lessen what you are going through physically and emotionally. 5.  You’ve developed a sense of mistrust in others.   -It’s hard to trust others when the people closest to us flip personalities on a whim.  How are we supposed to trust someone when we know that one minute they hate us and the next we happen to be the greatest thing since sliced bread?  Narcissists will play you up, then play you down, then play you all the way up again.   6.  You’ve experienced suicidal tendencies and/or self harm.   -It’s a way of coping with the N-abuse from sense of hopelessness and helplessness.    7.  Self Isolation   -Many abusers teach their victims how to self isolate by getting rid of the friends and anyone close in their life that can see through the abuse.  Narcissists are good at seeing these people before the people themselves can see them. 8.  You find yourself comparing yourself to others, often blaming yourself for the abuse.   -For example, in grade school at Parent day I would spend it alone often watching other parents lovingly interact with my classmates and I would think to myself “why isn’t my mom like that?”, therefor leading me to believe what many of us believe that we are the ones who cause our parents to act this way, not the other way around. 9.  You self sabotage and Self destruct   -After all, when we are used to everything crashing down no matter how good it gets, we get caught in a vicious pattern of not trusting our hopes and dreams and often fall in the pit of self shame caused by years, months or even weeks of insults. 10.  You protect your abuser and even gas light yourself.    -Gas lighting is basically telling yourself or being told that you’re something or doing something when you’re not.  Or being told that something is the way it is when it really isn’t.  The term comes from a play where the cheating husband would turn the attic light on to go through hidden belongings he didn’t want his wife knowing existed.  When the attic light would go on, the lights in the house would dim.  The wife caught onto this and confronted him about the dimming lights to which he told her, “you’re just imagining it, I don’t see any dim lights”.  And she believed it at first until she woke up from the abuse that started and continued to happen. -You find yourself making excuses to friends about said N-abuser’s behaviour. 11.  You fear doing what you love and achieving success.    -You walk on the eggshells of your own dreams because in your mind you feel that you have a higher chance at failure than success.   If any of these rang true to you, you might be involved in narcissistic abuse.  The only way out is to slowly wake up and realize what is going on.  That is the first step to getting out of the vicious cycle.  Once you start to wake up and face the music, you’ll find that your narcissist might even call you out on being “different” then you were the other day.  My narcissist constantly tells me that I have an attitude, which most of the time I don’t.  The only time it comes out is when I’ve had it with her and from this I have learned to just shut my mouth and choose my battles.  I will talk more about my experience in the blogs to follow.  Any stories to share?  Send them to nuttynarcissist@gmail.com to be featured on this blog (you will remain anonymous).   If you happen to be a Narcissist who belittles and demeans others, you are not welcome here and will be blocked if you happen to cause trouble on this page.  We don’t have time for people like you.

[igottabitch-blog]

introduction

Welcome to my new blog.  I have dabbled a bit in the blogging industry, though that was when myspace was still alive and booming if that says anything about my age.  I’m almost 30 and I’m just understanding the narcissistic abuse that I have been under my whole life. 

I’m here to share my stories and dialogue with said narcissists to help you understand that you are anything but the problem.  It’s not you, it’s them and it’s time you see it.  

If you would like to send me stories of your experience that will be featured on here, please email nuttynarcissist@gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous.  

-Nutty Nut