ihopeyouaredoingokay

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

when there is a separation in my life i feel total rejection. i feel like my entire existence as a person has received a massive big red REJECT stamp across it. i feel fucking worthless and subhuman. even if i can rationalise said separation, if i am not in control of it i feel like my skin has been turned inside out. like in the back of my head theres this big catch that i am secretly really evil and inherently bad and when people leave it feels like thats the reason. like they saw a glimpse of it. it feels like no matter what i do and how much i grow as a person theres always gonna be this dirt on me that im terrified of people finding out. i dont know what it is. so when they leave it feels like they knew me so deeply (because it only hurts this much with meaningful relations) they found that bit of rot in me and it infected everything else. like im some sort of massive liar and puppet and host more than person or human. even if i initiated the separation if they dont fight for me i feel like i did something that was inevitable, took the reins from them before they could realise they needed to make that separation. abandonment feels like a total rejection. makes me dig my palms into my eyes and my critical thoughts into my thoughts and scream WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. and when i look for an answer im digging through the layers of my personhood like a livid parent digs through their teenagers messy room for proof of misdeamenour. throwing items and clothes everywhere. and then both me and the teenager are left breathless in the aftermath wondering what went wrong and how much we hate ourselves.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

central london - saturday, 19th july 2025

sometimes its nice to not think. yesterday was one of those moments. like i often say in other updates "i dont know what im doing". i cannot tell my friends about yesterday. not because im ashamed, but because it felt sacred. and yes, i dont know what im doing. we're doing. its messy, like they said, yet i just cant help myself. i felt guilty and it only fueled my sorrows.

yesterday i met up with an ex talking stage after ascertaining that perhaps the way it ended wasnt due to malice after all. i cannot give romance another chance with them though. but i missed them. so i texted them knowing theyd be in the area. i tried to think logically but with the possibility of meeting them as well as the remains of my recent episode still draining out of me, i simply couldnt think. why do i wanna meet someone who hurt me? the ways they did it were unintentional and yet? there was no room for logic in my mind, only emotions. and emotionally i wanted to see him. i asked myself in my head "is this a bad decision?" but all that came up was static. so i bit my tongue and sent the message. i smiled. he replied instantly, i was worried he would be upset with me or my presence would hurt him but it was fine and after a lone walk in the park i met him and his friend. he smelled good, and i liked his earrings. but eye contact was extremely minimal. i saw him watching me yet when i turned my head he looked away. almost like some sort of weeping angel. i knew he was playing from a distance. what did i expect? for the person that told me they loved me to go back to that easy flirt i knew before i rejected them? it felt unspoken but i figured itll always be like that if we continue to meet civilly amongst friends. we made some jokes throughout the day and yet she still wouldnt crack. but i was greedy enough. however... when their friend left and he stayed.

we walked around together. he bought some sweets for me earlier, said he "promised to buy me them before so". i dont know if ill be able to eat them. he told me to go on and talk like i always do. i corrected him and said "like i USED to". i asked him how he was. he smiled and said okay. i said the same. we both were lying. we talked about work. then it started raining. we both were trying to walk to less crowded streets, im glad we came to that unspoken decision. we laughed a lot. i was so overstimulated from the humidity. he offered his coat several times but i refused. we stood under a tree so i wouldnt have to embarass myself by holding a flannel over my head. then it started clearing up and i convinced him to buy some cheap wine. on the way a man drove past and told us to "have a great day guys". we found a park to sit in and passed the bottle between us. he excitedly told me about his family drama, said he didnt know who else to tell. i told him about my shitty day and how anxious ive been lately. i remember laughing trying to keep the bottle from him but when he grabbed it it was his with no fight. hes strong. he apologised for fucking up, for hurting me like he did. he apologised for being a coward, how he couldnt even make eye contact with me earlier. i told him i noticed. i think i mustve asked "can i have a hug?" and he paused for a second before grabbing me instantly. he held me like he couldnt get enough of me, like he wanted to cement my form into the palms of his hands. he always strokes my hair. we went back to the park by the LE like where we spoke last time. he could tell something was off about me, i didnt know what was the cause. i still dont. the retrogrades, anxiety, dysphoria, rejection from AF causing my dissociative episode? i dont know. all i knew was well. my foundation was shaky. we finished the bottle. i explained some astrology to him. he listened with no judgement. some drunken men walked past and we laughed at their friendship. one of them waved goodbye to us and wished us "good luck with your relationship" or "between you" i cant remember exactly i was drunk. we just smiled. he told me about his exfriendship and cried infront of me. i wanted to lean on him, my logic was static so i did. he instantly put his arm around me and hugged me, sighly fondly "we're so messy". i made a joke about making it messier. he gave me a look that was equal parts fond and lustful. i wanted to kiss him then, but even with static logic i knew not to. i pulled away. what was i doing? i was already so greedy. i wanted to milk this bubble of romance. he looks away and says its gonna repeat again. i tell him its not. i later tell him not to text me. we cant allow it to repeat. its just like this in person.

we walked around by the water. shared a cigarette. i think he made some unsavoury comment about me spitting in the river. i didnt tell him about my fears of intimacy, i tend to pull away when people make sexual jokes due to my fear of them lying to me to get me into bed, rendering any past nonsexual affection meaningless. we went to sit and got to talking. its easy when youre drunk. he told me he missed me. i told him i missed him back even though i shouldnt. he told me he went to look for me in the park before my text knowing id go there. i laughed and thought it was romantic but didnt tell him. i told him i was here because of the grey areas, that i understood his reasons for doing what he did, that some of it was my fault as well. i got anxious when we sat in silence thinking. i fidgeted a lot. he asked if i found it uncomfortable. i said i simply didnt know him enough to understand what goes through his head when hes silent. he told me for once it was peaceful so we continued to sit there.

i was already so anxious due to other things this was too much and it started to overflow. i felt guilty for coming out there to see him. i told him if i were to look at him id cry. he asked if i wanted a hug and i nodded and he held me. it was so surreal. to be held by someone who is on the same wavelength as you. who actually understands your complex identity. when i was with EK it felt nice but it still felt like performing. like i couldnt get close enough. here it was more than enough even through jackets and simply sitting next to each other. here it was raw and real. almost like homecoming. he rubbed my back and told me its okay, i cried harder. i had a lot of emotions built up. i havent been held like this in over a year. he asked if i was okay and i said no. i sat up a bit to talk to him and kept apologising i just felt so low. i feel so embarrassed. i told him i felt so guilty because it was like i was taking advantage of his feelings for me to get free emotional support. i dont think he took it that way at all and kept reassuring me. i felt bad and said hes probably only doing this because he loves me and not because of genuine care. he told me he cares. i just kept saying sorry and sorry. fuck man. he held me again, one hand on my knee to ground me. i almost told him that im really not as tough as i look, the toughness is a front to protect myself. that i need to have strong boundaries because inside im really so small. im glad i didnt tell him. it was already a lot. fuck im so embarrassed. i told him i couldnt help myself. that i knew it was greedy and selfish. he disagreed. i told him i couldnt help myself because even though he hurt me hes still the only one who understands me. he made a few jokes to cheer me up but also knew when to be quiet. with his gentle guidance i unnestled my head from his chest, he asked me to look at him but i couldnt meet his eyes. he wiped my tears and i asked him not to kiss me. he told me he wouldnt. i felt like he was solely focused on getting me up to shape instead of entertaining anything in his head. he laughed in an exasperated fond way. cupped my face in both palms, stroked my hair. called us messy so many times. laughed in this fond way that was different from the giggle he has when hes giddy. told me he hated seeing me cry like this. i knew it broke his heart. he told me that he'd been thinking and that he doesnt know if hes enough for me, that i know what i want and that i deserve better. he spoke to me with his hand on my knee. i tapped his other hand so he would hold me again half excused with me saying i was cold. i wouldve held his hand but it was already so much. he thinks he isnt sure hes what i deserve, that he lacks the maturity i think he said? "i dont think i can give you want you want but just know that i wouldve done my fucking hardest" that he understands i cant give him another chance romantically. we hugged again. i like him so much. i just wish for more alignment. i wish i could keep him in my life without it hurting both of us. i wish we could be friends. he apologises and says that unfortunately he cant be normal about anything, and hes still attracted to me.

it genuinely feels like right person wrong time. or maybe im just deluded and romanticising it because its me with another nonbinary person. we hug again and it feels like we're two broken pieces of china with the exact same soul. we hug for a long time. he tells me its the longest hug hes ever had with another person. i ask if he wants to stop and he says no. i realise here i really like his soft voice. his face is in my hair. i feel so fucking close to him like we're sharing a heart. its unlike anything ive ever experienced. im not sure if this was before or after the long hug but he stands to leave and puts his hand out for me to take and i look up at him and say "please just one more minute". he stares at me with an unreadable expression and i feel pathetic. "please" he cuts me off and takes my hand to pull me in again. my head already tucked into his chest. it feels scarily natural. he sighs again. this is so messy. saying that doesnt mean its bad. means its more interesting. a lot of a good things are messy. i laugh wetly and call him such an aquarius and he laughs softly in that fond laugh i like.

i tell him to not tell anyone. that it never happened. he told me that it happened to him. i think i told him that it didnt happen to me. i did. does he know? do i text him now? we walk to the station with his arm around me still warming me up and we lament when the bathrooms split us up. his hairs a total mess and i told him earlier it looked like shit. fondly. we take the escalator down and he pets my hair. i nag him and tell him how to do it so he doesnt frizz it up and then stand there like a spoiled cat. he takes my train and plays solitaire on his phone while i manifest that he gets home safe and on time. his train comes with no delays. we hug on the track. he hugs me again almost with desperation. his hand is in my hair pressing my head into his shoulder. i thank him again. i tell him see you later. i look back but the crowds fill the platform. i dont know if he looked back for me too.

notable jokes: when the paddington bear becomes free access he thinks they should make a film about an actual bear. ie a fat hairy gay man type of bear "halfway to heaven, thats as far as theyll get"

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. we have this deep connection that requires no words but at the same time i find myself having misspoken every time we meet. like at every meeting we need to regurgitate the past interaction. sighhhh. i do really like it. i see our differences though. i dont know what it is about him that draws me in. its insane. i need time. but i feel like ive fucked it again.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

its been a year and 2 days since. hm. i saw him two weeks ago when we went out together as a group. he was happy to see me. so was i. but there was just this weird feeling. almost like a ghost. hes the ghost of someone i loved now. how odd. to see someone you once imagined a live with and not feel that wonderful knock of your heart against your ribcage. its like hes no longer golden. he still glows, low with the memory of what was. and yet doesnt sparkle. its so weird. muted. i tripped over my words and looked him in the eyes and he nodded like he understood only to say something completely different. thats how it feels. almost a physical manifestation of the time apart. how strange. the visceral change. the same yet different. what? he sent me post months ago and said it was me. it wasnt. how strange. my heart aches tonight. but i think its because of another. i must stop thinking of possibilities, either accept what has happened or work towards something better. mm. i am unsure what the future holds. ive healed from it so much. ive cried my love out. grieved it. him. us. myself. i rise from the ashes of my past life. my arms are shaking from dragging myself here.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

i like being alone, ive figured. when i get to do things by myself and take things at my own pace. imagining creating a little life for myself. its quiet. i have time to think. and spiral. and then that goes too far as it always does and i feel so small i fall through the cracks. i really need a hug. but the type of hug i need is the one where youre choked up and heaving and you soak up some energy frim the person youre holding and i would just feel so guilty unless i wasnt alone by myself and actually a part of them. i hate being alone

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

every time I think about my gender I get confused so I simply stopped thinking about it. it is not my problem

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

i once again find myself contemplating the passage of time. im pmsing so i get a pass. im crying over him again. not sad, not exactly. bittersweet. i want to say im sorry. im sorry im sorry im sorry. “i shouldve known better” but no. i trusted you and took what you said at face value. i trusted youd tell me if you were struggling. but i think not even you did until the end. im so sorry if you felt abandoned. i dont think you did, i think you understood, you always did. i hope you dont resent me. i dont think you do. its not like you to be angry unless its your stepdad. thank you again. but i think i need to let you go. i think we need to be proud of how far we made it. how we kept the love going for years. how much it hurts because there was still more left to give. we did our best and did ourselves proud. im sorry for not holding your hand on the bus back that last time. i knew it would be the last time and i couldnt bear the thought of feeling that memory being carved. knowing how often id replay it. i wanted to make it less painful. less permanent. more casual. it only hit me a few days later how much this really meant. i wanted to be strong. for myself. im sorry if i felt distant. i really really really loved you. i really loved you. and id do it all over again even if i knew it would end like this, with me crying at 21 over the boy i dated at 17. thank you for growing with me. thank you for being my rock. i hope youve learnt to give the softness you offered me back to yourself. i still have so much love for you. but we have to let each other go. thank you for being world, if only for a moment.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

i am just so fucking tired. and i am sick. and i am due my period in 3 days.i feel so fuckingalone and disrespected. i feel so isolated. i am in a group of people in a group of friends who ive known for years and none of them even fucking notice that im breaking down. no one gives a fuck. is all i am just a jester. you have the girlfriend. the best friend and the fucking comedic relief. and why would you respect the comedic reliev right? i dont CARE if it doesnt matter much to you i donr CARE how you think i look i KNOW i cant control how you perceive me but you can at fucking least refer to me as i am. i swear to fucking god. all i do is make excuses and make excuses and make excuses and makes excyses and makes excuees and makes excuses if only you put a FRACTION of that fucking energy into how you refer to me it would make the world of a difference. and its not just db its fucking everyone im so TIRED IM SO FUCKING TIRED IT IS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. I CAN UNDERSTAND. I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU MESS UP SOMEtimes but you dont even fucjing correct yourself anymore jusy because u stopped calling it oit doesnt mean it doesnt fucking hurt me wvery fucking time. i truly feel like if i kill myseflf no one will come to my funeral. WHOOOO CARESSSSSSSS. who fucking cares. no one knows me no one bothers to know me because all i am is a hahahahahahah hehehehe idiot FOOL and when im not funny enough you move onto the next person no one fucking cares about MY feelings im just a fucking tool to be used apparently. even though im single my heart is broken all the time you keep breaking my heart just like you have all my life why cant you fucking know me you dont even seem like you care you dont notive qhen im deep in tjoihht you dont notice when ive bwwn crying you dont notice me at all im just some fucking ididor as alwaus. you dont even COREECF YOURSELF EVEN WHEN THERE ARE TWO PRONOUNS IN THE SENTENCE YOU CQN CHOOSE THE AEVKND ONE TO BE COREECF AND WHEN I CORRECT YOU YOU ACT FUCKING CONFUSED WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DOES NO ONE WLAE CARE ACTUALLY WHY DOES NO ONE WLAE HELP CORRECT IM JUST A FUCKING JOKE

why am i no ones first choice why wont anyone fight for me

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

happy full moon in scorpio to ME!!! my friends and i are planning on going on holiday together later this year which would be SO huge and fun. i really want to go to naples :3 but we are also considering croatia (it looks too much like poland to me..), lisbon/porto (good wine!!) and athens/crete!! (great hotels with pools!) i am so fucking excited. i love my friends. i wish they would talk to me more. i can almost feel the fluffy wind on my legs and face as i stand by a railing on the shore <3. currently drinking a very ginger-y tea to speedrun my cold. the window WILL be kept open because i like the breeze. it thundered and rained today alongside the sun and the sound was really beautiful. im glad it lasted as long as it did. i totally understand why my brother travels. feeling very very hopeful and excited for the future!!! da fewchaaa!!!! i have a first in biochem btw and all assignments are really simple and fun and straight forward to me :3

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

I like the idea that someone, somewhere, is made for you, forever.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

the thing about being nonbinary is that you really do start to forget that other people have such strict walls around what is and isn’t allowed for genders. i thought we all agreed that we made that up. could you climb out of the cave real quick and feel the sunshine for a minute.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

i wish to find someone who calls me pet names. i wish to be someones angel, someones sweetheart, someones beloved and someones darling. my angel. my sweetness. my sweet thing. my strange little thing. i love you. my little shrimp.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

there we go. thats me. that weird little thing neither here nor there. how strange. how terrifying. how beautiful.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

i cried over you today. i am crying over you today. my tears paint a warm and slow trail down my face, almost like a fingertips carress. a lovers. my own tears mock me. i dont understand why. i wonder if i cried infront of you would you wipe them? or would you hesitate like you used to? i dont understand. sometimes when i think of you i feel fond. other times i pull my heart out of my chest and the love overflows with the blood and trickles down my forearms and drips off my elbows. i dont understand. i cant tell if im nitpicking. i feel it was always meant to end. why cant you love me. do you still think of me? are you looking for others? im bleeding out for you again and i feel guilty. this misalignment. was it meant to happen? it feels like aligning two halves of an image but slipping by pixels. but not entirely. i feel i am a different colour. i would paint myself for you. i would. but i cant and wont. i dont understand. im meant to be strong. i dont understand if it was meant to happen. why wont you text me. i was fine. i dont understand. like a bowling ball thrown onto a frozen over lake. my certainty has shattered and i am no longer sure. i dont think i ever was. i dont know whats wrong. did i fuck up did i fuck up did i fuck up did i fuck up did i fuck up. tonight i want to wish we were meant to be. but i will wake up and remember why it happened. so i dont wish. but ill cry a little longer.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

i dont know what to think. am i a horrible person? did i underestimate his feelings? i thought he was just trying to sleep with me and he said it was nothing serious so i kept my distance. when he said he wanted to meet i honestly got scared because i didnt know what to think of it. i dont want any bad blood. and i always did miss him as a friend but i figured if he had something towards me me coming back would be misinterpreted as wanting him romantically and i didnt want that. i didnt want to hurt his feelings if they were genuine.

…nvm 😭

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

still struggling with my sense of identity. venus retrograde sure is fucking something. i think its because in those fundamental years where youre developing yourself i was in a relationship so i didnt care how i was seen. i could be the most vulnerable version of myself without fear because i knew he would be there for me. but now that im alone the only persons perception that matters is my own. and getting to know myself since i was 17 til now is proving to be very difficult. im always performing. i dont know who i am right now. i lose sense of myself easily and grasp it again every once in a while. i wish i was easy to digest. this is less confident than my previous entry. i feel low. and alone. and ive been thinking about him. and how i couldve done more. well. no. i did what was best at the time. could i have pushed the issue more? explained what breaking up meant? i didnt know that i would lose him like this. this is the issue with dating someone who is also your best friend. the time you spend together is wonderful but if separate you lose both a lover and your confidant. i miss my best friend. im scared. im so tired. ive never been 100% confident so imagining myself when i am is terrifying. a long time "friend" unfollowed me today. granted i didnt really want anything to do with him. but i panicked none the less. i have a fear of being misunderstood. which is horrible to have when i dont have a binary gender. it will get easily. it has to because i will it to be. i miss my best friend. im sorry.

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

Albert Camus

[ihopeyouaredoingokay]

mmmm im so used to therapy that i try to apply my resolution based thinking to dysphoria which unfortunately does not work as dysphoria isnt logical. at least not to me. i cant even tell if its dysphoria or just general anxiety causing me to dissociate and feel distant from my body. have i ever even felt at home in my body? is this an autism thing or a dysphoria thing. i think it was good to consider whether it went deeper than nb but its also causing me unneeded discomfort. like, i like myself and i dont want to change. if anything i think i need to work on better expressing myself through dress sense. being weirder. i think also because im (at my core) a very black and white thinker the nonbinary thing irks me because i just want to be either one or the other but thats not how people work. not how i work. not how i ever worked. ive always been outside of the mold in one way or another, if anything trying to put myself in a box has always caused me pain. so why. its because im intellectualising my dysphoria (?) instead of just accepting it. i feel it and then i panic because i think its a sign of deep denial or something. but i genuinely dont feel binary in either way. and i think me semi considering hrt is because i am in so many binary trans online spaces and i feel like i dont belong. like i need to prove my transness in one way or another. its exhausting. and ive felt like this in every aspect of my life. always trying to prove myself to others. i guess im still trying to learn that im enough as i am. im enough presently and i always have been. but its hard to accept when ive always known criticism. i need to stop caring how im perceived. i am me. masculinity and femininity are performances that should be fun. dont conform. be weird and undigestible. dont live for others. live for you.