ii2enenhy

[ii2enenhy]

“It can be tough seeing a sprout 🌱 when you want to see a tree 🌳”

It can be tough seeing a sprout where you want to see a tree, but your growth is that much more impressive when you start as a sprout! 🌱 We’re constantly growing and cultivating new goals, so allow yourself to enjoy the journey!  

Chibird store | Positive Pin Club | Instagram

[ii2enenhy]

16 Sept

I was supposed to work today, but I took off just so I can join the public holiday. Anyway, today was fun and I had fun. Until, WP says that he was asking her, how is the trip and how was I. St that point onwards, I guess I couldn't concentrate much. On my way home, I kept telling myself. It was nothing, he choose to treat me differently when he had me. Please, Irene, making the same mistake twice is more than enough. You gotta be strong for yourself.

[ii2enenhy]

I am trying. Day by day, hour by hour, hopefully it'll stay a habit.

this is your chance to really learn to be alone with yourself and to genuinely start loving yourself.

dance alone to music in your socks, singing carelessly.

bake yourself something sweet and eat it while watching a good movie.

take a nap under a bunch of blankets.

go for a walk and let your mind wander to whatever it drifts to.

read a book like you used to when you had the time, get immersed in it until you can’t put it down.

take a cold shower and then warm the water up at the end.

[ii2enenhy]

“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.”

— Charlotte Eriksson, You’re Doing Just Fine

[ii2enenhy]

Its a long long journey on a bus going back to KL, I finished reading the book I intended to read, and with still lotsa time to spend. I just gonna journal down this. BTW, here are some of my fav photos, seriously now I see the value of investing in good camera phones. Haha.

So this time, WP and I stayed in another better established resort than the one we stayed last time. So which is better? When it comes to facilities wise, gilligan is better, but sebukang have more human touch. Oh by the way, we met Peggy there, a USM year 2 student, who worked there for a month in exchange for accommodation. She basically feels like the life and soul there, because she's warm and friendly. The rest of the staff, pretty much just staff. When she have free time, she draw on the walls, or wherever she likes. She is studying pure art. Super artsy gal.

Anyway, let me make that big announcement, we saw sea turtle up close and personal, WP and I. So we were snorkeling at the area close by to the resort, and just out of no where, it was right in front of me! When I saw it, I wave frantically at WP, signalling her to swim to my direction while trying to make sure the gentle creature doesn't swim away. This kind of encounter is really 可遇不可求。So, the both of us managed to see it, but maybe we're intruding her space, she swam off pretty fast...

And I made some good progress climbing up to pulau dayang, in the past, I get hyperventilation whenever I climb down. This time with improvement, because the guide doesn't 'carry' me down. He was just by my side watching... thought many times, I actually hoped he'd help. Another thing about sebukang is that the people are more helpful.

Anyway, will I still go back next year? Definitely. I've decided not to put up anything about this Island on my social media account, because this island is one of my "private" collection. I'd hope it'll continue to stay unpolished the way it should be.

[ii2enenhy]

I just gonna record it down first, before my tiny brain decides to wash it away. So I’ve been kind of imagining life after graduation, with all the weekend I have for myself. So, had this idea while I was in the shower just now.

Often, when I travelled, I always find myself trying to go to places that is not to touristy, preferably local neighbourhood area, straight into the living of locals. But I am not that lucky to find it every time, and I don’t know where to go. So here’s my concept:

I want to introduce my local neighbourhood to those like-minded traveller (or friend), who doesn’t mind to spend half a day just to experience local daily life. I want to be their friend for a day, get to know them, their stories, and I’ll show them the place I’ve been growing up in the past 20 + years. The only thing I would request in return is that they/she/he would send me a postcard, and try to host a traveller/ friend in the same concept at least once.

It is not a business, but I feel myself keep thinking what kind of place, that I can take these friends to explore. What kind of local food, etc...

Here’s would be a perfect day for my if I ever get to experience:

Start the day with market (I always love market, not the wet ones tho), then have local breakfast, go to a park or something, if possible attend local activities (could be volunteer/ events). Importantly, get to hang out with a trusted local who share the same travelling style. Then, maybe go for a yoga class or something in the evening.

[ii2enenhy]

i studied in Sweden 6 months and my favorite word I learnt was "efterklok." In Swedish, words often are composed by literally connecting two words. Efter & klok together means wise after the event. I got to this word by trying to explain "hindsight" to someone who was my friend at the time... but like that friendship & efterklok & hindsight, some things are only clear to you later on...

[ii2enenhy]

“Whatever excites you is connected to your purpose.”

— Answer to inbox question, “how do I find my purpose?” by India Ame’ye 

[ii2enenhy]

10 Aug

Yesterday, during my run. Once again, I have thoughts about him. Other than that night, when I decided it is time to put a stop, I cried, since then I didn’t dare to touch it. I was scared, and I been having sleeping problem, I scared if I venture to those feelings, I’ll go down the hill rock bottom. At least, right now, I can appear to be ok, maybe I can convince myself to be ok. 

I’ve been reaching out, to my friend trying to fill in the hole. What hole exactly it is? Loneliness? Heart break? Not having a person to talk with? But even if he is there, to be honest, the last few months, he doesn't really know what is going through with my mind anyway. Then, I realized, the person whom I can talk with on anything is long gone. Perhaps, I should start talking with myself, what I am feeling, trying to be a human again. I missed how I used to be, I missed feeling fully. 

I been living in fear unrealistically in the past, I was so scared that people would find out about him and I, so I closed down and build a high wall, so that people doesn't know what is going on. I was ashamed and with guilt and fear all the time, I am scared of people asking about him, scared that my family would find out and I am such a disgrace. I read it from a book yesterday, it says “we sin when we have our love out of order”. I’ve prioritize the feeling of finding the one true love, over my love for my family, for my friend, over anything else. 

During the years when I was with him, I choose to lied to my family. During the years when I was with him, I choose to shut down my connection with friends, so that they don’t stop me from what I am doing. During the years when I was with him, I choose to not create deep connection with my afi friend, so that they don’t find out, and ask me difficult question. During the years when I was with him, I choose to let him integrate so deeply in my life, so that I can continue to feel the feeling I have found the one. Also because of my choices, I find out that we aren't exactly who we want to be, because it took many sacrifice to keep this relationship. Deep down, I still do wish we can work it out, but in reality, we are no longer who we used to be, and this relationship is not nurturing where it should be. I am not a better person during the years when I was with him. 

[ii2enenhy]

Letting him go

There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you love something greater than yourself. A tender sacrifice. Like the pained silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina. It is in every considered step I am taking in the opposite direction of you.

Lang Leav

[ii2enenhy]

people don’t bring this up very much but a lot of people experience it.

sometimes we don’t know how to talk about heartbreak when we lose someone we were never officially in a relationship with.

your feelings are valid and the heartbreak is real. it can be difficult to mourn what you never truly had, but like all other heartbreaks, this one will pass with time.

[ii2enenhy]

6 Aug

Today, there is something worth celebrating, cause I did my mid year review session with the regional team smoothly. For the first time, I actually have the chance to present my own findings and action plan to my boss’s boss. How cool is that? Plus, I really enjoyed doing analysis work, not those kind of complex work done by statistician or mathematicians, but analysis work that can be apply in business case.

Been having this interest since I am with my previous company, but last time my work scope doesn’t cover much analysis work. I’m glad that I decided to venture into something and found my interest. ❤️

[ii2enenhy]

4 Aug 2020

Its already August. You know that feeling, that if you move then your muscle feel pain, so you ended up not moving at all? But from time to time, you feel the pinch when you move and you know the issue is still there. You just can’t do anything about it. 

It is the same with him. It kind of tear me apart especially at night time, when you have nothing else except for your own mind. That’s when the thoughts are the loudest. Most of time, I find myself goes back to the time when we met, those were the happiest time when we met. We would normally have breakfast together at BNM foodcourt, then walk to office together. Those were the time, I have no romantic feeling for him, it was pure friendship and mentorship. Those were the moment I treasured. 

Anyway, I know it is a process, that I need to go through. It is not going to be easy, so have I have to be easy on myself. 

[ii2enenhy]

31 July.

Today is a “odd” number day and month. I don’t know why I prefer even number than odd number. Anyway, that is just a random thought.

I wanted to post this for quite some time, but I never remember to do so when I was on tumblr. So here the story goes: I was jogging around YM’s housing area, I dont know why I suddenly have this realisation why my dad advise me to take leave to go to her dad’s 出殡日。When I realised that I actually have tears in my eyes because of the depth of love I experienced.

When I was home, my dad purposely ask me when is the 出殡, I told him the next day morning. Then he ask if I am going, I told him YM seems fine and asked us not to go, it is ok. He look at me and say “if there is no important task you have to attend to on that day, it is better to go. Give your friend some support.”. Back then I never think further, and thought ok I can take leave anyway so its ok. So i did.

A few months later, when I was jogging, I realised maybe he meant something that is deeper. Yes, although your friend looks fine on the surface, but being there, just being there makes a huge different. And one day, when my dad or my mom passed away, I would need to turn to my family and friend to get through this hard time. He was helping me to be a better person for my friend, whether they need help or not, just being there already has its own meaning.

[ii2enenhy]

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke, 1910-1926

[ii2enenhy]

27 July

So my post last week was about finding this perfect candidate - as in this candidate meet all the criteria - including age which I am comfortable to lead. But we decided to interview another 2 candidate - because of strict and rigid system of my organization... you know which org la... So this one particular candidate has much more years of direct experience than me... and to be honest, I think this person can take my role (if I am being honest). Anyhow, together as a panel, we decided to put forward this candidate as our top list - my boss push for it and I can completely understand... 

Now, why do I want to talk about this? Is because I don't know if I am capable enough to lead? whether I am good enough? of course, they can't (and won't be able) to get rid of me if my so-called “junior” is performing better. I don't know, I think I am thinking too much now. Regardless how, succession planning starts in the beginning, I hope this is the right decision. 

[ii2enenhy]

25 July

Well, the day is still young, but I can’t concentrate on my thesis anymore. So I just gonna put up my thoughts here. To be honest, like you said, sometimes I do push myself too hard to a point where I think it could be an internal me abusing myself. hahaha, that’s pretty scary to even imagine the scene, Irene is abusing another Irene. hahah Why, I suddenly realize that is because, my chapter 2 isn’t that bad actually, after I read my supervisor’s comment after a few times and after a long time. My initial thought is that OMG... I need to re-do everything cause I don't fulfil the criteria to “critically discussed” the existing literature. I was rather descriptive. But after reading the sample he gave, I realized there are only a few chapter that did not met this criteria. But I beaten myself up so horribly and unrealistically (inside my brain...) that I might failed my project. 

Anyway, I am still 1/4 reworking my chapter 2, I’ve given myself deadline until 9 August to finish chapter 2. Can’t wait to go pick up Pet and have a good Saturday night. Do I still think about him? Yes. Everyday.