iimaginepeace-blog-blog

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Everything that I could say at this point in my life is cliche and repetitive. Be it positive, or negative. Life is just a cycle of happy, sad, easy, hard. Life in itself is cliche and repetitive. People are either good, or bad. We are not the ones to judge, all we can do is watch.

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CJ

I did my best, it wasn't much I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you And even though it all went wrong I'll stand before the Lord of Song With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

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People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.

Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted (via perfect)

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Tina here, from over the edge.

Whatever, why do you care?

Nosey Mother Fuckers.

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lets see

If I told you I wouldn't be here tomorrow, would you listen? Would you break down my walls to get in? Would you pick me up, before I let go? Never letting me fall because you dont want me to know..what its like to be that low? Would you remember the light I used to have, and forget the damage Ive left in my path? Would you set me free and take away all of my misery? Would you help me back to my feet, wiping the tears away from my cheek? Would you forgive me for all of my mistakes that Ive made since he was taken? Or will I always be forsaken.

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<3

Oh love of mine, Wont you lay by my side, And rest your weary eyes, Before were out of time. Give me one last kiss, For soon, such distance Will stretch between our lips. Now the days losing light. Bring me your love, tonight.

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Do you know what its like trying to breath life into your broken heart?

I do. Do you know what its like finding your soulmate lifeless? I do. Do you know what it feels like to wake up breathless from repeated nightmares of the things you saw? I do. Do you know how it feels to kiss cold lips? I do. Do you know how it feels to roll over in the night and find yourself searching for something that isnt there? I do. Do you know how it feels to be dead on the inside? I do. My passion for life was you. My drive to be good, to be strong, was you. I constantly feel like I’m forgetting something. Or like something is missing. You will forever be missing from my life, but never from my heart. Remember when I would lay over you and drape my hair all around our faces and you called it our secret cave and we would whisper secrets and giggle? The sun would break tbrough the cracks and kiss your cheeks and turn your eyes into the sweetest blue. I miss that. Sleep now my love, i’ll meet you in heaven in my dreams.

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On another note

I had a dream last night that CJ called me and said he’s doing great and that he's happy and he loves and misses me. It was releiving to hear his voice.

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To whom it may concern

I'm tired of being the bad Guy. I'm not the bad Guy. I'm the girl who spent every waking minute loving CJ for the last three years of his life. I'm the girl who cooked him dinner every night and made his lunches for work. I'm the girl who rubbed his feet and back when he came home from work. I'm the one he confided in. I'm the one who supported any and every decision he made. I'm the girl he held every night before he fell asleep. I'm the girl he loved waking up too every morning. I'm the girl he got down on one knee and gave a ring too. I'm the girl he was going to marry. I was his best friend.I'm the girl that tried to save his life. I've been pushed away and erased like I wasn't important. I was and am important. TO HIM. I was his life and he was mine. Those who want to try and say otherwise obviously weren't involved in our day to day lives. I'm not just gunna kick back anymore and let people talk shit about me and act like I wasn't a part of his life. Not only was I part of his life, I was a part of him. I knew him on a deeper level then anyone and I know for a fact that if he was here he wouldn't allow any of you treat me the way I have been treated. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, Im human but CJ loved every part of me. Good and bad. So with all due respect.. Leave me alone.

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Hope does not exist.

Andrew started kindergarten on monday. In class he had to draw a picture of his family, he drew me, CJ, lugi and him. Its CJ's birthday today. I dont think i'll leave my room.

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To remind me. And you. I refuse to let anyone else define the love we had.

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Cry

For help..

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My baby is turning five tomorrow. Love is all you need.

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Do you miss me? I miss you. I have a hard time putting into words the way that I feel. I have a hard time putting it onto paper. Looking at your pictures... I can't tell you what it does to me. Seeing your face... Its like looking at you the way I always have.... But you dont see me... Or atleast I dont know if you do. It seems like the world is against me, and maybe it really is. Isnt that the way its always been. Does it even matter? Its like going back to the beginning, before you... I never knew what it was like to feel whole, but with you, I forgot what it was like to feel empty. I remember now, except its worse because now I know what its like to have YOU. The way we were.....opposites...and both of us knew. It was incredible. The force that drove me to you and you to me was undeniable, like our souls already knew eachother. Old friends. I'm not sure what its like to die but I hope its not scary. I hope you're okay.

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Tears flood my eyes, they create pools of sorrow...where are my waves of joy? Do we choose our own destinies? Does god gives us some options and we pick one? If I picked this, I have to accept it. I know why I would have picked it...for you. To be with you, for even a glimpse. But you're gone now, and so am I. I'm not starting a new chapter, I'm writing a whole new book. New characters, new plot, the only thing that's the same is the setting.

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Everything was perfect until my Dad died. February 12, 2011. Then my Grandpa, who was my only active grandparent I've ever had, December 23rd 2011, and finally you. The love of my life. March 20th 2012. I lost all of the most important men in my life just over one year. The pain is unbearable, indescribable. Like a burning ache that's always there just reminding me, taunting me. What can anyone do to help? Thats the problem, I can't think of anything that would help, how can anyone else. I'm broken, I've tried to stay strong but I can't fake it anymore. I'm completely and utterly broken, taking advantage of any comfort I can get if it helps for even a little bit. Alcohol. People. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I need help so bad, I wish someone could help. I wish I could take it.