iintotheocean-blog - Tumblr blog

[iintotheocean-blog]

Swimming in an ocean

I feel paralyzed by change and choice. It seems like I’m stuck, but really there is just so much to choose from. 

I graduated last month and started full time at my new gig. I’m raking in so much money now that I can finally pay off my debts and afford to live on my own. I even have money to buy things I want! I got a new monitor, some network gear, some clothes, and of course gifts for all of my friends.

I have a girlfriend now, too. Val. She’s a pretty cool girl. She’s my best friend’s wife’s best friend, so that’s cool. She’s into weed and memes and enjoys plenty of the things I enjoy. She obviously cares a lot about me, and goes out of her way to make me happy. The sex life gets better every time I see her as we learn each others’ bodies and become more comfortable.

The thing is... Since I’m being honest here... I’m still on the fence. Granted, I’m leaning a lot more towards just sticking with it and seeing where it goes. However, I can’t help but to feel like I’m settling. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with Val. She’s incredible. But, I still can’t get Kaylee out of my mind. She and I talk all of the time and every time we do, we just fucking click. We click so well and just go forever. We get each other. We would be great together. Her and her boyfriend broke up after graduation, and we have been talking a lot since. I saw her last weekend for Margaritas and we spent 2.5 hours talking. I could have easily spent another 2-3 with her, but I didn’t want Kyle to get suspicious. :/ She even made me the cutest little triceratops crochet as a gift. I love it.

The thing is, Kaylee lives far away. And she has a son. So, she’s anchored. She’s anchored hard, which means I’d have to move down there if there was to be any hope for us. But, I can’t do it. I have a good thing going on up here, and I’m not giving it up for something that MIGHT work out. I’m not making these mistakes again. No. For now, we will stick with what we have and ride it out.

I know this sounds shallow, and honestly this whole post is kind of gross, but I’m excited that Val is losing weight. I mean, she’s not fat. However, she’s pretty close to where Amanda was when we got together and I’m just not really a fan of the body type. It’s O.K., but I would be ALL over her if she was thinner... I’ve never been with a small girl despite that being my type, so I think that is also something that’s bothering me. Maybe starting a relationship in long distance has something to do with my being on the fence.

I’m being a fucking asshole by saying all of this. I hope this blog is never discovered by those close to me. But I have to vent this somehow and this is the sort of shit I would rather spit out into the void than discuss with someone.

So, in other news. I’m off both adderall and zoloft. The only reason is because I’m no longer a student so I had to get my own insurance. It just kicked in last week, so I suppose I should go look for a doctor. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been noticing a decline in my attitude over the last couple of weeks. I went through almost a month of brain zaps since I couldn’t taper off. :/ I just don’t want to spend the money. I’m still in saving mode, even if I’ve been buying a few things here and there. 

I am, however, looking for an apartment. That is what I am saving for. I put together a short list of places to go look at. I should go look at them tomorrow, and I probably will if I get the will to actually get the fuck up off my ass and drive. I’ve left the house once in the last 3 days lol. I really want to, but I’m still trapped in my current lease. I’m waiting for someone to take over, otherwise that’s $640/month that’s going down the tubes. I’ve been getting pressured to both get an apartment and not get an apartment. It’s getting annoying, and now with all of these internet issues and with a hammer breaking my windshield a couple of weeks ago, I’m getting sick of living at home and commuting. It’s stressing me the fuck out. So, I’m going to go tomorrow and hopefully I can move into a new place in the next few weeks.

[iintotheocean-blog]

Yay

Today marked the first step towards the rest of my life. I finished my giant ABET group project and presented it this morning. I also heard the news that I passed one of my independent studies. That means all I have to worry about now is final exams next week. My other independent study professor wants me to come into his office tomorrow, so we will see what happens there... I really hope it goes well because I have a fucking ton of shit riding on this. I have been working non-stop between school and work for the last month. I’ve barely had room to breathe. Over the Thanksgiving break, I probably spent 20+ hours on that ABET project. So, I’ve been putting in the effort. Will I reap the rewards? We’ll find out.

So I’m a little fucked up right now. I took adderall much earlier in the day, but this one beer and bowl has me spinning. :(

So... I know this sounds crazy... but I’ve been thinking it for a while now and talking to Jamie today finally made me realize that I’m falling in love with her. I just... We’re such a good match. We are like two peas in a pod. We talk almost every day and have a collection of inside jokes. We’ve shared so many personal details of our lives, things I haven’t shared with anyone other than Kyle and Jamie. I just feel like I can fly when I stand next to her. Today, before the presentation, she told me she was anxious about it and her goal was to not faint. Right before her part, she looked at me. I smiled and nodded at her, and she smiled back. After her part, she looked at me again and we shared a smile for a second. It felt like a while, I wonder if anyone in the class saw that lol. 

To be fair, the idea of us just being friends is solidifying in my mind. I’m no longer freaking out about the situation. I’m just disappointed that things are the way they are and am kinda sad at losing this amazing new friend once I move back home... I know I’ve fallen for her, but it will come to pass. We will slowly drift apart. One day she will get engaged. One day I’ll find someone else. 

[iintotheocean-blog]

Holy cow it’s been a while

Judging by my last post about Concerta, it’s been over a year since I’ve written in this little diary of mine. So, so much has happened during that time that I’m not even sure where to begin. So, I’ll just start at about the time I stopped taking Concerta.

In October of 2017, I started to become depressed again. I was prescribed concerta through December, but stopped taking it a few months after starting it. The stuff made me feel all... agitated during the day and tired and depressed at night. In fact, it may have been the catalyst for what happened. During this time, my depression got bad. Really bad. Worse than it has ever been, in fact. The combined stress of school, finances, social commitments, and loneliness finally got to me. I ended up failing a class. I came very close to dropping out of school. I came very close to killing myself. 

However, in the world’s wildest coincidence, Amanda texted me out of the blue in early December. I hadn’t talked to her in almost 4 years by that point, so it caught me very off-guard. We caught up quickly and I finally got the opportunity to get some closure from our messy breakup. After so many years and months of feeling alone, it was intoxicating to talk to her. She knows me better than I know myself in some ways, and it felt so natural and comfortable talking to her (once we got past the initial awkwardness). In some ways, I think she saved my life that night. 

Of course, it was only a matter of time until things got messy again. About 2 weeks after we started talking again, she got engaged to her boyfriend. She tried to hide it from me for fear that I would be hurt. On one hand, I was hurt. On the other hand, I was relieved because I thought it meant that she wouldn’t try anything. We slowed down on the talking for the next couple of months until Valentine’s day 2018. 

I got a text from her early in the morning, asking me if I had any plans for the day. Although it was a seemingly innocuous question, I immediately knew the subtext. You see, my ex is a master of manipulation. She knows how to push my buttons, gaslight me, and trick me into doing/believing things. Naturally, over time, I was able to process these things she did and am now able to recognize it. This was one of those times. She had broken off her engagement, then proceeded to spend the next 4 hours trying to trick me into inviting her to my place to spend the night. I say trick, because she never came out and said that’s what she wanted. It was pretty damn obvious though. My friends convinced me to ghost her, and I did. I still feel terrible about it, but what’s done is done. 

Skipping back to January now...

Upon return to school in the Spring, I told my psychiatrist about my depression and the terrible thoughts that I couldn’t get out of my head. She immediately prescribed me Zoloft and worked with me to create a plan for when things go sideways. I didn’t have much hope at the time, but I figured it was worth a shot.

Turns out, the Zoloft worked wonders. Absolute wonders. For the first time in years, I began to feel alive again. I was beginning to feel hopeful about my future, I was coming out of my shell, I was getting things done, I lost a lot of weight, and I was in control of my thoughts and actions. It was a nice change of pace, and I felt my confidence increasing every day.

I decided to take advantage of this new-found confidence and try to put myself out there. I started talking to a lot of girls. I started hanging out with Kyle and the group regularly. I went on a couple of dates and rejected a couple of girls. I landed another internship at that company and wound up with a full-time offer with an amazing starting salary. I made some new friends, and life was good. I was still a little too anxious to talk to the girl I was crushing on in class, but that is because I built her up in my head before even talking to her.

___

Now for the big one. I’ll call her K to protect her privacy in the off chance that someone stumbles upon this blog. 

I met her during the Spring semester, during the time of high confidence. I was crushing on someone else at the time, so I didn’t really have any trouble starting a conversation with her. We ended up clicking really well and I wound up with a huge crush on her. Unfortunately, I didn’t move fast enough to get her contact info before the semester ended. I was really bummed, but we were to have 2 classes together in the Fall so I was still hopeful. I prayed and prayed (figuratively) that she wouldn’t get into a relationship over the summer.

Once I returned in the fall, she and I hit it off right away. We got into the same project group, so I knew I would have plenty of time to talk to her. We ended up talking and laughing together every day after class. Everything new I learned about her was just one more reason why I had to have her. She and I were so similar in so many ways, it was uncanny.

It took about 3 weeks for me to find out that she had a boyfriend. She just casually mentioned him in passing during one of our conversations. I was devastated. Like, really devastated. I had actually planned on asking her out that day.

Over the next month, I would begin to wonder if she really DID have a boyfriend or if I misheard her. She doesn’t have him on Facebook, she never brings him up, and everything she tells me about her life outside of school made it sound like she was single. So, after a lot of ups and downs, I decided to just fuck it and ask her out. Only one way to find out right?

Well, she did have a boyfriend. A boyfriend of 3 years, in fact. She rejected me gracefully, and I took the rejection gracefully. Although, I did end up drinking myself to sleep that night. Healthy, I know. 

I really don’t have much else to say about it other than I’ve been struggling with it ever since. I can’t get away from her seeing as we have class together, so I started skipping class so I wouldn’t have to see her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see her, I absolutely did with every fiber of my being. But, it’s not healthy and I had to face reality.

Fuck reality.

[iintotheocean-blog]

The price of doing business

I switched from Ritalin over to Concerta. The difference is surprisingly noticeable. With this extended release, I feel much less “high” and much more productive. It lasts a lot longer too.

The only downside is that it makes me depressed. Over the last week, I’ve thought about suicide multiple times. I felt like ramming the parking enforcement vehicle after I got a ticket. I felt worthless and hopeless. It only seems to come to light when I’m peaking with Concerta. I discussed this with my doctor, and she wants me to go 6 more weeks, and if it does not get better then she will consider anti-depressants as well.

To be honest, anti-depressants are probably what I’ve needed most this whole time. When I was younger, I felt this way a lot. I was put on anti-depressants, and within 4 months I was normal again. I eventually got off of them. I figured I no longer needed them.

Well, here I am now. Just looking back on all the years since I stopped taking them to now is astounding. Especially the last 3 years. I cannot believe I never considered getting back on those meds. Hopefully, they can help again.

I’m in this weird juxtaposition of wanting to make friends and date, but also not wanting to make friends and date. I feel so alone, yet thinking of the effort needed to maintain relationships is just exhausting in itself. 

I really hope things get better. I really do.

[iintotheocean-blog]

The world is so much bigger than any of us

I'm watching a classic Great Plains lightning show tonight. The constant streaks of light across the sky accompanied by a cacophony of rolling thunder is one of the most humbling and exciting things in life. It reminds me that my wants, my needs, my problems, my ambitions, and everything else mean nothing. The world is so much bigger than you or me. No matter how things turn out, the world will continue to spin. The storms will continue to roll. Anyway. I've been kind of depressed lately. Honestly, I think it's because of 3 things. 1. I went against my values and did something dangerous and stupid. I did it on a whim. I should have slept on it and thought it out while my meds were in my system. But I didn't. And now I have to live with the fact that I walked down a path I promised myself I would never even consider. I make it sound dramatic, but I really never thought I would do the things I do today. Just a few years ago I was righteous, straight edge, and my moral compass was true. Now... not so much. But I want to get back to that. I want to get my compass working again and I want to return to my former values. 2. I haven't been exercising. I've been watching this house for some folks I know. It pays well, but there is no gym here. I would have to have driven 30 minutes each way each day to work out. I'm not in the best financial situation right now, so I opted to take a week off. I'm excited to start going again tomorrow. Nothing has helped me regulate my emotions better than consistent exercise. Nothing. Without it, I find myself slipping back into my old frame of mind. Apathetic, depressed, anxious, and not feeling to well. 3. Boredom. I have no school right now. I have no work. There is very little pressure in my life right now. I thought I wanted a vacation, but quite frankly it's driving me insane. Without purpose, without pressure, my mind is free to wander. I feel useless. I feel bored. Boredom leads to complacency. Complacency leads to stupid decisions. I'll be applying for work tomorrow and likely moving back to my college town. I don't want to move back to my college town. My roommate, the new one, is one of the most idiotic people I've ever known. He's loud, annoying, completely unaware, and a knowitall. Thankfully I'll be moving into a 2 bed 2 bath with Casey in a couple of months. Anyway... yeah. I've been thinking a lot about my love life (or lack thereof) lately. Honestly, I don't think I'm in the right place for a relationship right now. My financial situation isn't great, and I've been so wrapped up in my mind lately that it's hard to imagine dedicating time and effort to a relationship. Perhaps this fall I'll be ready.

[iintotheocean-blog]

Are you feeling it Mr krabs

So, I'm on week 3 of Ritalin. Day 18 today. So far, it's been interesting. I started at 5mg, then 10mg, and now I'm at 15mg. I plan to stay at 15 until my follow up in a couple of weeks. The lower dosages didn't have much of an effect on me. I found my appetite was lower, and I was feeling sleepy all the time. This could be directly caused by the medicine, or indirectly due to lack of sleep that I was never really aware of. Other than that, and perhaps a bit of zombie like trances, it didn't do much for me. Once I reached 15mg, however, I started noticing a difference. I've done 3 days so far, so it's a bit early to tell, but it is more promising than 10mg. I no longer get a rough comedown. My appetite is still suppressed, but I'm no longer tired while taking it. I feel the need to do productive things and strangely enough, the need to be social. I actually experienced the whole "dog lifted from my brain" deal I've heard others talk about. I'm still not 100% sure this medicine is for me though. Firstly, it's so short acting that it's kind of annoying. Secondly, while it gives me a boost, it doesn't seem to actually MAKE me more productive. I still haven't spent much time getting things done that I need to. I'll be discussing all this with my doctor during the follow up. I think an extended release or perhaps a different medication may be worth a try. The good news is that it does not increase my anxiety. At all. So, perhaps I'm still to low. Anyway. In other news. Since starting the medication, I'm finding myself not so bothered with being single. Sure, I'm still lonely and I would like a partner, but I don't find myself obsessing over it or getting depressed anymore. So that's nice. I've been having dreams about Kim lately. Probably about once per week on average. It's weird. I haven't talked to her in years. Last time we had a conversation, she totally blew me off. She stood me up. So I don't know why I keep dreaming about her. She actually moved across the nation, so it's not like I can really even do anything towards that anyway. I've also been trying shrooms lately. I've eaten them twice. Neither time really gave me any revelations, but they were a lot of fun. I was doing it with other people around, though, and was not in control of my setting so that probably had an effect. I plan on doing them again soon, but alone so I can be in control. Then maybe I can get introspective and hopefully find some of the answers I need. I don't know what questions to ask, but that's the beautiful thing about shrooms, they'll give you the questions. They unlock your mind and as long as you go along with whatever it's trying to tell you, you'll find the answers you need.

[iintotheocean-blog]

The worst part about being an introvert right now is that I just want to be left alone for a day, but all of my friends are hardcore extroverts and won't take no for an answer. I mean, is it really that hard to understand that I have assignments to do and 3 finals back to back on Monday? Is it weird that I want to study so I don't fail my finals and therefor my classes? Is it weird that after 3 straight days of binge drinking and hanging out with people I need some time to myself? Cause apparently these are all foreign concepts to my friends.

[iintotheocean-blog]

Sure be cool if you did

Well the school year is almost over. Can you believe it? I made it through an entire year of college. Again. I didn’t accomplish many things I wanted to, though. But I guess thats what next year will be for.

I’m moving home next week. Back to my parents’ house for the summer. I’ll be working at the security gig again, but back at the bottom. None of this $18/hr crap, now I’m making $10.50/hr. Isn’t that great. But at least I’ll be back with my old buddies and we can have a good time for the next few months.

Kim moved away. To Seattle. She’s been on the road for the last 2 days. Probably got there by now. I’m kinda sad about that. If there was ever a chance (there wasn’t) it’s gone now. Then again, I may be moving to Seattle in a few years anyway. I want a condo with a nice view. Hopefully this degree will help with that.

I’ve been doing better in school. The first half of this semester was a disaster. I fell down into a depression again. I could barely get anything done. I couldn’t concentrate, and I was just miserable. I started seeing a counselor, and eventually a psychiatrist. We think I may have ADHD-PI, which may be the base cause of a lot of my issues. The concentration, procrastination, forgetfulness, social isolation, anxiety, etc. I’m supposed to receive a ritalin prescription this week or next. Hopefully it will come in before next Friday, because I have to move to start working. Anyway, I have a lot of hope.

Lol, the above paragraph is pretty common of my ADHD. I was going to describe how my semester has gotten better lately, but turned into something else. Anyway, my semester got better. Not socially or mentally, mind you, but academically. I’ve been keeping myself busy with schoolwork to avoid boredom. I get bored so easily, it sucks. But it’s good for schoolwork sometimes I guess. 

I had to make a virtual stack machine in Java as a semester project. I was anxious about it and putting it off all semester. Yesterday, I opened it up and took a crack at it. And finished it. In one day. I’m really good at programming, I’ll give myself that one. I’m really proud of that stack machine too, because it really goes to show how far I’ve come since coming here. It often feels like I’m not learning anything (anything useful anyway), but I now intricately understand stacks, callstacks, assembly, processor architecture, databases, and a variety of other things. This fall, I’ll be taking one of the most difficult classes in the course, Data Structures and Algorithms. Hopefully with my programming skills and the help of the ritalin, I’ll do well.

So, I’ve been losing weight as well. Like, a lot. I’ve lost 25 pounds since I started working at it last fall. Granted, that’s not as much as it could be, but its still good. I’m at 171 right now. I’ve actually been losing fat, even though I’ve been platueued at the same weight for the last 3 months. I’ve been hitting the gym consistently. I think it really helps manage a lot of the depression and anxiety I feel. I’m gaining muscle mass and have upped weight on most sets. Hopefully by this fall I’ll have shaved off the rest of this fat and have a beach bod.

I was feeling pretty down about my looks for a while. Feeling fat and ugly and undesirable. Short. I don’t know. I posted some pictures on /r/amiugly and the response was an overwhelming NO. In fact, I received over 20 comments telling me I’m attractive. One girl even gave me a 7.5/10, one said I was “really freakin cute” and another said “I’d date you.” So, I’ve actually been feeling better about my looks lately. Which is good, because thats always been one of the big things that keeps me socially isolated.

So, social isolation. I’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately. Ha. It’s funny. I remember starting this blog in 2015 and I had just started feeling lonely. Before I started this blog, I was actually quite happy with being single. I had been in that messy relationship for 2 years, and being free and unchained was a huge boon to my mental health. I felt confident back then too, like I could easily get girls. I mean, when I was in a relationship I could barely keep them off of me. Lol, not really. But it felt that way sometimes. I was very confident and easily talked to girls. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I left Amanda was because I felt like I could do so much better. Who knew I’d end up where I am now?

It’s been 3 years since I’ve been in a relationship. It’s been over 6 months since I last got laid. just over 7 I think, actually. And that was a fluke. She only slept with me to get back at Casey. I tried to woo her again a bit over a month ago, but even with a bottle of wine and an evening spent at her apartment, nothing happened. I just have no game anymore. I should be able to woo girls. I mean, we’ve already slept together, I’m attractive, we had alcohol in our systems, and we spent at least an hour on the topic of sex. And yet...? Nada. I don’t know.

That’s what really bothers me. I don’t even try anymore. Before, I tried and failed. That sucked, but at least I tried. I mean, think about it. Christina, Amanda, Courtney, Tiffany Judy, TCU chick, Kim, exchange program chick, Hannah. I may even include Lauren in that list. I mean, most of those led to nothing, but at least I made an effort. Now, I don’t even try. I don’t know why not. Let’s try a thought experiment.

I see a gorgeous girl sitting alone who I feel is in my league. I want to talk to her. What happens? I should talk to her. I just walk away. Nothing goes through my mind, no feelings occur other than shame. Why do I walk away? If I start to approach, I get nervous. The more I approach, the more nervous I get. Some thoughts run through my head, like “What do I say?” or possible openers. My heart starts racing. I start feeling nauseous. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. If I give it an attempt, I come off as very nervous and kind of weird. I can’t think of anything to say other than general small talk. Either she gets up and leaves or I do. I spend the rest of the day feeling like COMPLETE shit, replaying the embarrassment in my head, playing alternate conversations in my head, and may even consider suicide.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like social anxiety to me. Thats just ridiculous. The weird thing is that its only when it’s in that context. Need to talk about academics? work? Ask to borrow something? No problem. Hmm. Maybe that should be my opener then. Hey, do you have a stapler I can borrow? Then while I use it, just talk about what I’m doing, ask her what shes doing, etc.

Alright. Lets try another thought experiment. You’re at the bar. You see a girl you would like to talk to sitting alone, or is obviously the only one in the group w/o a boyfriend. You’ve been scoping her out and she’s available to talk to. You’re slightly drunk. She’s drinking too. A good dance song is on. What do you do?

I think about it. I tell Casey. He encourages me to go over there. I say no and laugh it off. Then feel shame. Alright what happens if you decide to walk over. I walk over, drink in hand. I approach from the front-side so she doesn’t get spooked. I stop next to her, and say hi. She says hi. Assuming she doesn’t ignore me, look at me weird, or tell me to fuck off, I ask if she would like to dance. If she says no, thank her for her time and leave. Feel dejected. Start drinking heavier. Go home and hate myself. If she says yes, tell her, “I gotta warn you though, I’m new to two-stepping.” If still yes, then take her hand and walk onto the dance floor. Get her name, ask her if she goes to school here. Eventually take the conversation off of the dance floor. Try to get her number.

Ugh. See. It’s not that hard. It’s all in my head. ITS ALL IN MY HEAD. Why?? Why can’t I make it stop. Fuck. Well. Fuck. I hope the Ritalin solves this somewhat. I read online that it can help immensely with confidence. I believe it. When I popped molly I was very social and not anxious at all. Same with shrooms, kind of. Well, I guess we will find out. 

I just hope this social isolation ends soon. I’m driving myself crazy. I’m actually just typing this because I have no one to talk to right now and I just need to get some of these thoughts out of my head so I can relax. They won’t leave until I start letting them out in some way or another. I can’t handle being alone anymore though. I find myself pretending I have a girlfriend when I’m alone. Grabbing at the air, closing my eyes and imagining I’m cuddling, having pretend conversations with the chair next to me. Talking about my day to the only thing that will listen. I’ve actually written more on this post than I wrote for my semester essay. Lol. Fuck.

Anyway. It’s going to be really awkward if anyone ever finds this blog. They’ll think I’m insane or something. Pretending to talk to someone. They probably just don’t know what it’s like to be so isolated by your own mind. It’s terrible. It’s a living hell that I wouldn’t wish upon anybody.

[iintotheocean-blog]

A bit of good news

Well I may as well do a full update.

ADHD:

For the past few months, I have been looking into ADHD. I had never considered that it might be a real thing that adults could have. I just assumed I was shitty, lazy, unconfident person. Which I am. But now I know why. Yesterday morning, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD-PI. It explains so much. Why I can never finish what I start. Why I held 8 jobs by the time I was 22. Why I’m so far behind when it comes to socializing. Why I struggle to do mundane tasks and finish assignments in classes I’m not interested in. Why I failed out of my dreams. Why I forget seemingly everything I’m supposed to remember.

I don’t start medication for a while, though. Unfortunately, the psychiatrist doesn’t have her script pads right now and I have to wait until our next appointment before she can prescribe any treatments. I’ll be trying ritalin and aderrall in 5 weeks. In time for finals. Hopefully I can manage until then. This semester has been kicking my ass.

School:

I’ve been doing okay in school. Not as well as I could be doing, but good enough. My computer science classes are very interesting, and the information just seems to click with me. Especially anything with practical programming applications. 

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for my other classes. I’m barely making it through Calculus it feels like. I spend upwards of 4 hours on every homework assignment. It’s not that I don’t understand what I’m doing, but that I keep forgetting how to do it. It seems like I have to go back and relearn everything every single time I start a homework assignment. The simple formulas and rules keep getting mixed up in my head and it makes it difficult to finish things in a timely manner. This is no doubt due to my ADHD. I guess I’ll have to talk to the mentoring center about that. I bet the medicine will help with math immensely, though. We will see.

Chem class is a fucking nightmare. It’s like nails on a chalkboard when I’m learning equations. It’s like I’m having to learn mathematical systems for CS, math, and chem and all of them are slightly different. It’s frustrating. Not only that, but I completely forgot about an assignment in that class and received 2 zeros. Fuck. Once again, ADHD. Luckily, I found out that if I stay at my current school, I don’t have to take Chem 2. I can take Geology instead. Or any other science. So, fuck transferring. If I transfer, I’ll have to add an additional 2 math classes and 2 science classes on top of repeating half the CS courses I did here that won’t transfer. It will set me back an entire year, or more.

Mental well-being:

Here’s where things take a poor turn. I’ve been feeling depressed lately. A lot. It seems like whenever I find myself alone without anything to do, the racing thoughts in my mind turn to my loneliness. I try to fend it off with weed, or working out, or trying contacts, or doing any combination of things to make myself forget or feel more confident. Nothing seems to work. I’m coming down off of a high right now, and I just feel like shit. I really can’t stand being alone. It’s terrible. I enjoy the perks of being single, sure, but what I really miss is that connection with another person. I have someone who wants to see me as much as possible. Someone who I can share my day with and they can share theirs. Someone who can pick me up when I’m down and make me feel like I matter. Someone to cuddle with and watch movie marathons. Someone to take on my travels.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know its me. I know its all in my head. I know that I’m a semi attractive guy who has a good head on his shoulders, is intelligent, driven, and has dreams. I know I can be fun and interesting. I know I can hang out, act normal, drink, smoke, whatever. I’m a normal fucking guy, but I convince myself that I’m not. That I’m an outcast. I’m afraid to approach girls. I’m afraid that I won’t know what to say, what to do, or how to do it. 

I have always felt one step behind everyone else socially. I’m talking since kindergarten I started noticing this. It really hit hard when Marc stopped being my friend to hang out with the soccer kids. I’ve never managed to catch up. Don’t get me wrong, I have come a long, long way. I’m miles better than I was in highschool. However, I’m still behind. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I just feel that way. Fuck.

I just... I really wish I had someone. 

[iintotheocean-blog]

Lonely

I’m feeling lonely tonight. I went out to the bar with Chad and Kevin. I walked around with them a lot and tried to make some friends. I kept seeing girls I wanted to dance with, but I just couldn’t work up the courage. By the end of the night I was really pissed off. Now I’m at home, just looking through old pictures of Christina and Amanda, missing what I once had. I really need a girlfriend. I just don’t want to go through the silly games anymore, you know? I’m too old.

I’ve been really angry lately. I don’t know why. I guess I’m on my man period. Road rage, frustration, and quick to anger. Today, I’m pretty sure I threw at least 3 different things at 3 different times. Hopefully I can funnel this anger into working out. I’ve been losing a lot of weight lately, down 22 pounds as of today. The other day I started back up in the gym on a PPLPP routine. Tomorrow is P. Haha. Pull day.

Also, on Thursday, I’m going to see a psychologist. I’ve been obsessed with the idea that I have ADHD lately. I meet a lot of the criteria, and honestly it would explain basically the entire mess that is my life. So, we will see what happens. Maybe I’ll get diagnosed and it will turn my life around. Maybe I wont get diagnosed and I’ll just have to settle with the fact that I’m a lazy, impulsive, inattentive person. 

Anyway. I really want to text Christina. Or Amanda. Or even Kim. I don’t know. It’s 3 in the morning and I know they’ll know I’m drunk. I’d have to wait until tomorrow evening, but then I won’t feel this way. Fuck. I need to go to bed. I have class at 10 tomorrow and I don’t want to miss it again. But I can’t go to bed. Once again, ADHD. I know what I need to do, but I get so wrapped up in irrelevant bullshit that it doesn’t happen. 

[iintotheocean-blog]

Yay

I'm doing much better now. This last semester was crazy. I'll sum it up in a list: - I got good roommates - I lost 20 pounds - I broke my 2.5 year dry spell - I single handedly completed a group project, learning oodles of stuff along the way - I was approached by and danced with two beautiful girls at the bar (like 8/10 both easy) - I popped molly and it really changed my view on my social anxiety - I finished the semester with 3 As and a B - I got financial help from my family I mean, yeah I'm still lonely and I get a little depressed here and there. Yeah my anxiety is ever present and I feel like I'm going to fail at everything. Yeah I still can't focus on things for more than 10 minutes at a time. But overall, things are going well. I finally updated my wardrobe, and I lost weight. I grew out my beard then cut it so it's decent looking. I've bonded with my father in ways I never thought I would. I've been watching a lot of stand up and so my story telling abilities and humor have improved. I'm trying new experiences all the time and really I just have to say that things aren't so bad. I just have to remind myself that all these insecurities stem from my anxiety and thus it's all in my head. I've been considering going to the university's counseling center and possibly getting medicated for the ADD and the anxiety. Sure, it's not a guarantee. But if I could just put that stuff away, even a little bit, imagine the possibilities. Not being afraid of new things. Not being afraid of rejection. Not constantly worried about how my future will play out. Not always getting distracted from the things I'm supposed to be doing. Just imagine.

[iintotheocean-blog]

Today I thought about killing myself.

[iintotheocean-blog]

Sigh

Am I lonely? Yes I asked Kendra out on a date last Saturday. I asked her if she wanted to join me seeing a movie. She immediately asked if Lauren could come. I conceded and said sure. Then it was about money. Then later in the night she told me she couldn't because she had to make the drive to Dallas the next day. Which was bullshit. Her entire snap story was her and Lauren in Houston. Whatever. So Bronson came to visit me. We went out tonight on Thursday. Of course the girls were there. They were much more excited to see me than vice Versa. I didn't chill with them tonight for the most part. I decided to stay my distance and Bronson and I played pool. At one point Lauren came by and hugged the fuck out of me. Idk. I like Lauren. I really do. I mean I'm drunk right now. But whatever. Anyway. It's hard to watch the girls across the bar with their new guys. I know I got friend zoned. Which sucks cause lauren is all about FWB. I mean, she was going to do that with Casey, but apparently I'm just not good enough for the same deal. Whatever though. IDGAF is playing right now so I'm going to get into it. (The next morning) so Lauren ended up coming by again and dragging me and Bronson over to their table. Kendra and Dylan are 100% together. I watched them make out and listened to Kendra complain about lauren because she wanted to leave and go cuddle with Dylan. Lauren was on about Dakota the entire time, but still danced with me a bit. At the end of the night, lauren and Kendra got into a fight and lauren ended up leaving with some random ass guy who asked if she wanted to go to whataburger. Kendra just stormed off to her car. I'm just standing there like, "bye???" Bronson and I decided we wanted whataburger too. At whataburger I caught up with Becca and crazy black chick so that wasn't so bad. Lauren found me and hugged me (of course) and went on to remind me that the two of us had sex. I should have come up with a clever line right there, and I had one, but instead I just smiled and made eye contact. Not too terrible but still. Idk. She was with that guy and his group now and I wasn't about to wait around for the POSSIBILITY that she would ditch him and come with me so I just left once I got my food. I went home, drunk as fuck, pissed off, and tired. I told them I'm not going out next week. They laughed and called me a liar. I'm serious. The only reason I wanted to go out was because I liked both of them. Kendra is off the table and fucking lauren is just throwing her pussy all over the place. It's not even fun anymore. It's just aggravating. Anyway. I went home alone. I'm tired of being alone. Not all is bad though. There's a girl at the shuttle stop on MWF. She's cute, nerdy, within my league. I'm going to try to talk to her today and see if I can make anything come of it. If not, or if she has a boyfriend, then I have my excuse to get fucking baked and sleep all weekend. Why do I even care about girls? Since when do I care about girls? Oh yeah, since I got laid and cuddled for hours with one.

[iintotheocean-blog]

Fuck it

I texted Lauren the other day just to talk. Kendra replied on Lauren's phone. Lauren killed the conversation pretty quickly. Maybe only 5 messages actually went between the two of us. I texted Kendra to be playful. We joked a bit about some stuff and then she sent a text which was wide open. I made a move. She said, "No Christopher" and that was that. She stopped talking after that. I texted her happy birthday yesterday, and I got a thank you. Earlier today, Casey makes a quip about talking to 3 girls at once. One of whom was Kendra. And I was like, Kendra? And Casey is like yeah she started talking to me again today. So both her and Lauren don't talk to me, but they will talk to Casey? The guy they both swore off as an ass? Damn. Feels cold. But you know how it is. Bitches be bitches. Fuck bitches get money. My roommates and I are going out tomorrow night and I guarantee that we will run into Kendra and Lauren. I have no idea how its going to play out. Is Kendra going to magnetize to Casey? Is Lauren going to stop being fun and friendly towards me cause of last week? Is casey's ex going to cause a lot of drama? If I don't get laid tomorrow, or at least have a good time, then I'm going to stop going out for a few weeks. I need to concentrate on my homework more anyway... it just sucks because I know that getting laid last week and meeting those girls was sheer 100% luck. Like, seriously. Chad approached them, Casey charmed them, I was only there because I was their roommate. I picked up the sloppy seconds. I'm not going to get another shot at this stuff for a while. Not until I have the looks. I've been going to the gym every other day for 2 weeks. Haven't missed one yet I don't think. Hopefully I can add abs and cardio soon and really kickstart this weight loss. My goal is 160 pounds by winter. Anyway. I'm just tired of this stupid game. I just don't want to be alone. Maybe not a relationship, but a friend with benefits you know? We can cuddle and fuck and hang out and see movies, but at the end of the day we're not in a relationship, so I can have all the space I need and be allowed to try to pick up other girls. What am I talking about? The other day, the morning after, I remember cuddling with Lauren. I remember her digging her face into the pillow and giving me coy looks with her eyes. The way she giggled and smiled and pulled me close just made me melt. I didn't want to leave. If it were not for that exam, I would have stayed. I just miss that. I miss waking up next to someone beautiful. Someone who is interested in you and isn't afraid to show it. Sigh

[iintotheocean-blog]

Shit

I started college last month and got hooked up with some pretty cool roommates. 3 weeks ago we went out to the bar where we met a couple of girls. One of my roommates ended up sleeping with this girl Lauren. I kind of liked the other girl, Kendra. The next week, we went out again and ran into them. They came back to our place and Kendra made out with Casey. Big fight ensued between Kendra and Lauren due to Casey being Lauren's score. Kendra slept in my bed with me, but nothing happened. To be honest, I didn't make any moves cause I was sort of pissed that she made out with Casey and I was just so fucking tired with it being 0600 and after 3 hours of drama between her and her friend. When we got up in the morning, Kendra was showing me this firefighter guy she was talking to and honestly seemed to hold no interest in me whatsoever. The next few days I felt really down because I wanted to get with Kendra, but I didn't think she was into me. By this last Thursday, I had pretty much gotten over the whole thing. Well we went out again Thursday and lo and behold both of them are there again. Neither Casey nor me are too happy to see them, but it ended up being a fun night. I got pretty fucking smashed and Lauren invited me to come back to her place along with Kendra. I was starting to think that maybe Kendra was into me because it seemed like Lauren was trying to hook us up. Kendra denied everything Lauren was saying though so I didn't really know what to think. I went over to their place and we smoked and drank a bit and talked for a couple of hours. When Kendra decided she was heading out, she offered to take me home. The past few hours had been spent with her and Lauren swiping on so many tinder guys and discussing who they think is hot, so I was pretty bored and bummed. I thought about going with Kendra. I figured there was the slight possibility that she was into me, but by that point I really doubted it. She hadn't shown any signs of interest other than a playful flirt here and there. I figured she was going to drop me off and then leave and that was that until the next time I ran into them at the bar. To be completely honest, I just didn't want to be alone that night. You know how it is. Enough socializing and enough getting close that you just start to be down about yourself. So I chose to stay with Lauren, if anything just for the company. Well, after getting into bed, things ended up frisky. She was drunk (I think), I was smashed to hell (6 beers 2 shots and a bowl of kiefy weed). I didn't think we were going to fuck. I didn't think that was even a remote possibility cause just an hour ago it seemed like the 3 of us were all just going to be friends. I thought she was just being playful with the incessant poking. Yet before I know it, we're making out. One thing leads to the next and there you go. I was so drunk and tired and feeling shitty about myself for banging Lauren after everything she had opened up to me with that I couldn't even finish, I just stopped. The next morning, Lauren was very cuddly. I was caught up in the moment and started wondering if I actually liked her. Honestly, I don't think I do. I like the idea of her. Someone to wake up next to, to cuddle with, to smile and kiss and make cute faces with... I miss that. The past few days have been tough. Lauren undoubtedly told Kendra about the other night. So, I think my shot with Kendra is out the window now. Which wouldn't bother me so much, but I really enjoy hanging out with those two. So now I'm in this conundrum about whether or not to hit up Lauren to hang out outside of the bar. I mean, I'm not going to write everything the two of us talks about on here, but I know it's the right thing to do. And I don't want to ruin Thursday night fun. Seriously, finding those girls and flirting and drinking and having fun has practically become a staple of my existence at this place. Maybe I'm just too nice of a guy. Maybe I just feel guilty. I've never done the one night stand thing. The only other girl I've ever been with was Amanda, and we were in a relationship. Fuck. I need to go to bed. I think I'm going to ask Lauren if she wants to see a movie tomorrow with me. I mean, no matter what she says, it will take all of the pressure off of me. If she says yes, I'll have to worry about making sure we just stay friends (I am NOT looking for a relationship right now). If she says no, then I can move on and get over it. If she wants to invite Kendra, then all the better cause then we can all be friends and just have a good time and put all of this behind us. :)

[iintotheocean-blog]

Where’d she go?

Well I ended up talking to her a few times. We talked for like 2 hours, though that was because we were stuck in the same room. She was fucking sexy man. Licking a lollipop, showing me her belly button piercing, leaning over the counter and showing off her ass. Damn son. 

Well, I never got her number, and now she is gone. I don’t know where. Her Twitter is gone, and she hasn’t been into work in like 3 weeks. I don’t know what happened. Sucks. She was nice.

[iintotheocean-blog]

Ah shit

So, it's been a while since I've been with a girl. Almost 2 years since I broke it off with my ex of 2 years. I've been getting lonely, despite pouring myself into work. I literally dreamt that I got back together with my ex the other night. I resent her, and I dreamt of getting back together. That's how you know I'm feeling low. So maybe it was just coincidental, but this girl at my work has been really nice to me lately. Like, really nice. Like she goes out of her way to say hi. She always makes eye contact and always smile. I find myself walking by her store more often, looking out for her. We've talked a few times, but only briefly. The other night I was sitting in the common area on my phone. She was walking to the deposit box, and adjusted her path so she came by me. Even though I was on the phone, she said hi. I was like, hey cool, and said hi back. On her way back, she came by me again and said to have a good night. I returned the notion. She kept looking back at me and smiling. She's into me right? So I found out her name and looked her up. I kind of wish I hadn't, cause I found her Twitter. She is FUCKING FINE. Like, holy shit fine. She works part time at twin peaks and good god those are some peaks. Now all the confidence I built up to go talk to her tomorrow is gone. Just gone. Well, not totally gone, but still. I mean for some reason this feels like it changes everything. I know it doesn't, and I just need to do this, but I have been out of the game for so long. And I haven't gotten butterflies from a girl in YEARS. I mean, I'm talking like 3 years. This feels so new and foreign. I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn't realize how long it had been and how much it would affect me. Well.... Tomorrow or Sunday I'm going in. I'm going to find a reason to talk to her, I'm going to "learn her name", and I'm going to get her number. I'm doing this. I am doing this. Wew lad