ijumpedacrossforyou

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

Four months. I've felt slightly lighter on most days. Still on my mind, but I've been better able to focus.

I found a new song to put on repeat. He's not (always) my first or last thought. Time passes and the hole is beginning to fill. We're just living, and who knows if he misses me, but at least he's leaving me alone. It used to kill me, but not (quite) anymore.

I want the lyrics to be true. I spoke to the strawberry moon for gratitude for the love I have received, for forgiveness, for deeper understanding, and with the hope that I can accept my life as it is and move forward. I hope my mind will let me.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I came across more evidence of their relationship. Overwhelmed with anger and disappointment. This was after nearly having to sit with the child face-to-face in the same room last week. Apparently we both go to the same medical office. I made eye contact with her briefly as I went to the bathroom. She smiled at me. Unsure if she actually knows me (I assume she does after the bar incident), or if she would recognize me.

I don't understand how I can think about everything all day but nothing specific at the same time. I am so unbelievably tired of it.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

Three months no contact. Still thinking about it everyday. Some days it's good things. More days it's bad things. All days it's just HIM. Not anything in particular. Just him. On my mind for no reason all. Lingering in the deepest parts of it. Reminding me at any moment he's there. The big things that bring it all to the surface - like driving everyday past his brother's apartment and going to the gym; and the smaller things - like seeing it's 2:14 on the clock or any time I drive by a Kia.

And I wonder if he's actually thinking of me like he always said he did. If I have a small space in the dark corner of his thoughts, too. Does actually he wonder how I'm doing, who I'm with, what I'm doing, if I'm thinking of him.

I told him once I hoped he was as miserable as I was. I don't think he ever has been.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

It's his birthday right now. I'm on my way home from a concert, dozing off and I get text messages. I look at the time - exactly midnight. My heart skips a beat. It isn't him, but the timing. Why is my friend texting me this late?

Now I'm wide awake. I didn't want to be home this weekend. I didn't want to be doing nothing while thinking of him. I wanted to be away from here and just... I don't even know. All I can think about is him. I imagine he's with the child right now. I can't text him to find out. I can't even text him just to check in.

I keep telling myself he doesn't care, so why should I? I keep telling myself he's doing just fine without me, so why am I so miserable?

Happy Birthday, M.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I want to text him so badly right now, but this is all I have.

I want to scream (but I'm with friends). I want to cry (but I'm with friends). I want to find him right now and confront him. Ask him if he ever loved me. Like really loved me. How could he stop if he ever did?

------------

I started writing that a week ago. I'd had a miserable day. Work, the place I'm able to distract myself, is becoming the bigger stress in my life. I called out for the first time on purpose in nearly 13 years at that place. I went to a friend's house and drank too much, and something on TV triggered a flood of emotions that I had to bury considering the environment.

It's now been two months without him. These ebbs and flows are so difficult to manage. I never know when my day is going to be all about him. Weekends tend to be harder, but the weekdays are so unpredictable. I miss him then hate him, hate him then miss him. I imagine being with him then have to remind myself it's over. We are over.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

My mind is entirely consumed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to accept this. I truly felt at one point some time ago that everything was going to be okay. I was going to be okay. Without him. Now I feel so chaotic and unstable.

I keep attempting to rationalize it. What if we start talking again? How would I ever move forward? I saw something that talked about this kind of situation, starting over. Fresh. New. Because you can't be the same person, so you reintroduce yourself. How would we ever start over? Why do I even believe that's an option?

I envision these confrontations. Explosions of emotion, wondering if I would ever receive the truth. Wanting to scream everything I've ever wanted to say in his face. But all I have is this space.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

He didn't choose me.

He didn't choose me.

He didn't choose me.

He didn't choose me.

He didn't choose me.

And that's all I need to remind myself of.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

A whole month without him. Like I haven't been here before.

Some days I'm still so angry and disappointed. Some days I wake up feeling fine and like I overreacted. I wonder why it makes me so angry and upset. I then convince myself to feel that way so I don't miss him so much.

I was thinking during the blood moon last night, in my element. I don't have an addictive personality. Why I am so attached to this man? Our connection was inherent, intuitive, effortless. If I believed in anything like a soul, I believed he was my soulmate. I remember reading a response where someone explained soulmates scientifically as people whose atoms were together in the beginning. You know they've found their way back. He told me I was his person.

Part of me is waiting for a text. It's the cycle. The other part of me hopes he stays away forever.

I hate this.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I woke up this morning, nauseated but not angry. I forgot why I was so upset, actually. Why does it bother me so much that he's seeing her? We aren't together. It's the principle, though. It's the information he continues to regularly omit, alluding that he wasn't seeing anyone. It's her immaturity. Lord knows she's not innocent, not from the way he would describe her to me, but that dynamic... it's disturbing.

I wonder if he purposely introduced me to the idea of her to take off any suspicion of him being interested. If they were involved before we were over. The idea of him taking her after his brother is even more disturbing.

I think what makes me most frustrated is how he's just so casually wasted my time. Persistent in remaining in contact with me. Insistent on wanting to be with me. Telling me he could never give me what I deserve, that he had to figure out his home life in order to make me a priority of any kind. All I asked for was time. I didn't feel that was too much, but it was. So to find out he has time to give her makes me feel worthless.

What was the point if not to make him feel big and important? Feed his ego. Make him feel special. Drain myself to make him full.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I've managed my emotions for most of the day. I had to run an errand, and a friend decided to drive me to the store to get some pet food. Mind you, we've gotten over a foot of snow today. I checked the gym parking lot as we drove by, he wasn't there on the way to, but he was on the way back. I stifled the tears I so badly instantly wanted to shed.

I'm trying to figure out a way for this to hurt less. Not understanding how, as many times as he's let me down, it's never gotten any easier. Do I do it by making him out to be a bad person? I feel like I can't do that for my own sanity. How could I be so deeply in love with someone so horrible? Is it possible for him to be good at his core but flawed in his execution? And his flaws are significant. A week ago he was apologizing for being so selfish and taking me for granted. Yet here he is, continuing to be so damn selfish.

Without going through my previous ramblings, I can't remember if I've ever said that I don't think he ever loved me. He told me once, when I said we didn't feel the same way about one another, his response was "that's not necessarily true." I feel he was very intentional with his words. Never coming out to say it when directly prompted. "I'm a complicated man." "I like you." You know I adore you." I always felt that our chemistry told the truth. That he was just too scared to admit what it meant. What a story I sold myself.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I don't know how to feel today. I didn't sleep well. My stomach hurt most of the night. The deep pit in the middle of your gut when things are off kind of hurt. Makes you sick. I'm mad, but I'm mostly disappointed. I am struggling to believe how a 40-year-old MAN can spend a year and a half with a freshly legal GIRL. She's only NINE YEARS older than his son.

What I'm more confused about is why he never stopped texting me. Why he continued to tell me he missed me and wanted to be with me when he had this very perfect girl at his beck and call. And I mean that. She's perfect. She's beautiful, long flowy red hair (exactly his type), she's been weight lifting since high school (🤢) so her body has a gorgeous shape. Solid bottom, small waist. I can't lie, part of me is envious.

He told me about her. He told me she made him uncomfortable. He told me she'd follow him around the gym, spend the entire time staring at him, and he did so much to avoid her. He told me he switched gyms because she wouldn't leave him alone. He told me she followed him there. He told me his older brother was into her and he believed he was sleeping with her. He told me he thought his brother took her to NYC to celebrate her 18th birthday. We laughed about all of it.

My stomach is in knots again. I don't know how I'm going to get over this.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I had a dream about him that I can't recall now, panicked and unblocked his number. He texted me asking me how I was. I was doing okay that day. He seemed out of sorts, extra miserable, a little frantic or something. He was vague and apologized for everything he put me through. That was last Thursday.

Saturday I asked him if he was ready to tell me what was going on. He was still vague and a little defensive. He told me he was finally moving out, the kids were taking it hard and he was having a hard time dealing with that. I tried to cheer him up by telling him the truth - he's a good father. We talked about the gym and kind of agreed to meet up.

Sunday. I knew she was in Boston. I thought he was lying and was with her, so I was going to call his bluff. He ended up being there. It was awkward but not weird. He fist bumped me but I made him hug me. I missed that. When we pulled away, I had the strongest urge to kiss him. He said he would text me.

Fast forward to today. Valentine's Day. The day of love. It's her birthday. I went out to dinner with friends because I knew he wouldn't agree to go with me. I decided to go dancing afterward. I was by myself. I went outside to get some air. There was a guy from the gym there. He works at a local car dealership with the child. I overheard a conversation where she sold another guy a car but didn't fill the tank up, so he tried to call her. They agreed she was busy and she was with him. Him him. I almost kept my mouth shut but I asked if it was him him. It was.

I told him I was disgusted with him and was blocking his number. And then I blocked his number and will never unblock his number again.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

Had a conversation with myself this evening (as I always do). She's reposting a lot of desperate monologues. It all boils down to him being a liar, a cheater, he betrayed her, he's a narcissist, and she's deeply in love with him.

I tell him that, in this one-sided conversation. It's part of why I blocked him. I was not in a good space mentally and couldn't take the chance of hearing from him. Coupled with her insistence or delusion or whatever the fuck they did or did not have, and how he continued to say one thing and do another.

These first few days actually haven't felt any different because we haven't been talking anyway. I imagine, in my one-sided conversation, that there's no longer a point. Either he reaches out eventually on a new or borrowed number, and I tell him everything I told myself today and see where that goes, or we will never speak again.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I've gotten through the weekend. In one way, it feels normal since we haven't really been talking. In the other, I can't stop wondering if he has tried. There's no way for me to know, and it makes me a little anxious and sad. That anxiety is what's prevented me from me sticking to this plan time and time again. I just keep telling myself this is what's necessary. Convincing myself he wouldn't be texting me anyway, so what difference does it make? I can't keep crying over someone who just can't care.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

And seeing this immediately after posting that means I'm making the right choice.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I just blocked his number. I'm writing it here to hold myself accountable. To hopefully not convince myself to unblock it. I can't keep holding into my idea of who he is and what could happen.

He recently told me how much he misses me and wishes he could see me and how badly he wants to talk to me everyday. I stupidly gave him an opening and got absolutely nothing in return. I can't keep making excuses for why that is, waiting for the next rush of dopamine, clinging to a fantasy.

I hope he does move out. I hope she suffers immensely. I hope he finds happiness. I hope I find happiness.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I should've kept writing to keep everything in some kind of order. I'm sitting in the gym at one o'clock in the morning, mind fixated on ideas I haven't confirmed, truths I haven't confronted. In a small way I feel like a hypocrite, but in the biggest way, I know it was all very different.

In the month since my vacation, we've continued to chat here and there. We had a little... breakthrough? of sorts a couple weeks ago. He told me how difficult it was not to text me everyday, how he thinks about me everyday and misses me so much. He "felt so good" to get that off his chest. I replied with a novelette about how the things he says don't always align with the things he does. "Wow. I've been nothing but a piece of selfish shit to you and didn't even realize because I was so into you." This revelation despite me telling him this more than once already made me kinda want to punch something.

All of this and he has ceased texting me. He's out of state training for his new job. I would think he was bored and wanting the conversation, but it's been crickets. Which leaves me feeling a little stupid but not surprised. There's a chance I may see him in a couple of days, and I don't know how to feel. I'm not nervous yet because I'm not convinced he'll actually show. I have finally actually gotten used to not being with him and think I am okay without him. If I don't see him, I intend to cut contact with him for good. I'm too tired.