ijusdk

[ijusdk]

still after YEARS of being away from him, not having said a word he can still rip my heart out

[ijusdk]

I found an anonymous message from Ryan and its torn me apart, I fucking hate myself

[ijusdk]

a safe place by myself

only physical.

my mind must 

                             exist elsewhere

separation

                                                      me from me

time alone to think

                                          nothing

feel

                                                                             nothing

be truly alone

[ijusdk]

I have been having a lot of thought recently whether art is worth all the trouble I go through for it.

I feel like the pain it causes me is inexcusable and destroys me literally every day- my drive has gone, my creativeness has been crushed.

I can feel It reforming but I know when I go back to Leeds that it will happen again, and im not ready for that

[ijusdk]

I feel like I'm coming up to a huge breakdown,

although I'm unsure why.

moving has made me a lot more confident, mixed with the maybe placebo tablets I am taking for anxiety

Passion flower 

the delicacy

much like the human mind

[ijusdk]

 I never assumed myself to be one for trying to discover love-

but with not just a lack of attention

 but the longing to spend my day along side someone

I really need someone here

and its not because I've moved to another country

because I am happy I am on this adventure alone;

but even just someone to feel their breath

rather than caressing my duvet at night

so lifeless

I feel as if I don't know what the human touch is

the warmth

the heart beat

the breath

all qualities that people yearn for to make them feel safe 

and warm

and cared for

[ijusdk]

i cant find a reason to smile anymore

[ijusdk]

my friends mam’s funeral was today and i had to miss it because of the hospital and im sat here bawling my eyes out she was such an amazing woman i miss her so much i didnt get to say goodbye

[ijusdk]

its frustrating when you still think about your ex all the time. its been years. its just a very strange effect that wont go away. I kind of dont want it to, i want something that destroys me from the inside, which i can blame on my drug taking rather than just being a fuck up who does coke on a monday night 

[ijusdk]

time for another line

[ijusdk]

im ill agai. my  key doest work

[ijusdk]

cocaine is such a nice drug

[ijusdk]

i think out of the sex ive had in leeds last nights definitely was the best

[ijusdk]

i kinda dont know what to do any more life is very hard all i want to do is smoke and drink until i cant fucking remember anything

[ijusdk]

i have been here for one day and ive already been hit on by my housemate and my friends boyfriend ?? idk this place is weird i just wana get someone here who i can cuddle but idk anyone like that here ffs

[ijusdk]

fuck me im so lame

[ijusdk]

hey im a shit person and fuck everything up but im a loveable bundle of joy as long as you take me at face value n dont ask me anything ever