ijustthinkfrogsarecool - Tumblr blog

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

today i had work as usual. i did some more repairs in my bathroom and it didn't go too bad. i also watched some tv and listened in on my friends' reading club.

i don't have a lot to say- every day feels packed with Routine Stuff that i do every day or every week. i have bad dreams, i'm always tired, i'm always busy. busy busy busy.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

today is my birthday!! i wanted to go on record and say that i am having a good day so far. i got up early and went on a long bike ride which i haven't done in many months, i got all my chores done, i helped a friend with their math homework, i talked to my gramma, i've been working on the comic, i played with the cats... i'm gonna go out for a nice dinner too in about an hour.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

i've been having a rough time the last few days.

it's like... how do i describe this. i left a big discord server last august, and one of my friends from that server just went through and removed herself from all the group chats we were in the other week. that dug all of the group chats back up and made it very real that i'm never going to speak to her again, or the other friend that left my comic server along with the group chats.

i realized that another friend blocked me recently and i don't know why. we haven't spoken in a while, and i tried to apologize, but he just brushed me off... and looking through our message history, i sent the first and last messages of the last half dozen conversations. i don't know why he thinks *i* left *him*.

and then of course the other day i saw that an ex-friend had gone through his blog and deleted everything he'd ever reblogged from me or made for me, or the things i'd made for him. like i was never there. just like my other crumbling relationships.

it's not that i miss any of these people... well, i do miss some of them. it's just putting a huge strain on my mental health lately to feel so... thrown away. every little thing feels like it sets me off- someone forgetting to thank me for doing them a favor, another person sounding nervous or uninterested when i talk to him, another person who tends to leave discord when something is wrong even if i didn't realize i'd *done* something wrong. i'm keenly aware that all of my friends are going to leave me at some point and there's nothing i can do about it. and it's a very heavy thought, makes it hard to connect with people while they're still here. i feel like no one can help me or reassure me and it's making it really difficult to try new things or meet new people or even make my normal art.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

i've been throwing myself into work at my job a little bit this last week. i feel like it helps pass the time. my friends in the group all seem kinda miserable too, but i'm not sure how to be there for them when all of us aren't online at the same time very much.

even in a group of like ten people i only feel close to three... maybe that's normal. i don't know what normal is.

i sound really depressed when i write these journal entries. i guess i am- i don't always feel terrible during the day at least. like... it's not all bad. i don't feel lonely in a stabbing, aching way the way i used to. it's more like well-defined points of heartbreak right now. in the meantime, i keep working on work, art. and i keep feeling so exhausted i can barely think outside of those "necessary" periods.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

i logged into facebook and saw that my gramma sent me an invite to the "middle aged grannies" group and it felt like a cruel punch line to everything i just said

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

i hate everything. i feel like i can't do anything right.

i always kind of assumed i would die alone, i'm not really worth people sticking around that long, but it's becoming harder and harder to live alone, with the friends around me disappearing one by one, and it feels like the only new people i can meet are scary and i don't know what they're going to do, i don't know what the long term consequences are going to be. none of my neighbors are my age, i feel like i'm taking care of more and more elderly people as i try to meet them instead of... being around people my age who have similar interests to me.

i'm so alone. i know i have like three friends, four, still around, i just... want to cry.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

never mind my brain is screaming again

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

wHOOF it's rough after such a triumphant/hard/busy day of working on the comic to have a post in the queue for that evening and it only gets 4 notes, even from friends

like. that's the same amount of attention it used to get early on. and it was a post going back to something earlier in the story a little bit. i guess if anything it shows that the popularity of the comic really does depend on if the fandom favorite is there or not.

that one took me days of work too, while i was out in alaska. feels bad lol

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

i'm doing a little better, the last few days, even though the situation hasn't improved at all or changed. actually, it's gotten worse.

my only remaining in-person friend is actually moving out before the end of summer, rather than sometime in the next year. so... in a month or less.

i won't have help anymore. i won't have someone to visit or get lunch with anymore.

i dunno. maybe i'm just numb at this point. but maybe it's acceptance. i can dream, can't i?

i keep remembering and thinking about all the times people have abandoned, ditched, or dropped me... it hurts a little bit, but at the same time, i keep thinking "well no WONDER i got so angry at the one friend". the anger's been building up my entire life, and it only had one place to go.

not that he's spoken to me at all in the meantime, just, all this was on my end.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

turns out it was something kind of subtle. this friend has been ignoring me for weeks, but another friend has also been quiet the last week especially, and my only in-person friend graduated recently and will be moving out of town soon, and i just feel like i've lost everyone slowly over the last year. everything i worked so hard to build up. and i don't have it in me right now to build up from nothing again. i really don't. i just want to work on my job and my art.

but it's interfering with my art especially, really bad. i barely have the energy to lift a pencil in the evenings. i feel lonely and understimulated and unoccupied and i end up clicking around the same web sites in circles hoping for some kind of update.

i feel very angry and sad, mixed in with the loneliness. abandoned, invisible, all that stuff i hate feeling like. i couldn't be fun enough to keep them around. i wasn't useful enough. i dunno. no good thoughts around here lately.

i know i'm not being terribly clear about like... what's actually going on in my life, with these recent journal entries. i feel like i'm being all vague and just focusing on my feelings. but i guess, my feelings are what i need to put down somewhere. my feelings are what i don't have anyone to talk to about anymore.

of course i still have friends, acquaintances. my therapist told me it's time to go out and look for new people to meet again. i just... am having trouble seeing the point in interacting with people right now. why even try, you know?

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

i slept for almost eleven hours total today, even with all the stuff i was up and doing. i'd like to have three more hours of my day on a weekend, but, you know, it is what it is i guess.

i can't figure out why i'm so miserable. i've got one friend ignoring me, but like... he usually ignores me anymore? it shouldn't be taking a wrecking ball to my mood like this. his behavior has soured my mood so many times that i shouldn't let it do that anymore. but i can't figure out what else might be bothering me. other than, i guess, the intense frustration about my energy level, and i guess... feeling invisible.

he makes me feel invisible. posting (not drawing, just posting) my comics makes me feel invisible. i hate feeling invisible.

i have lots of other friends. one shouldn't be able to ruin my mood so bad. it has to be something else. i just can't figure out what it is, and maybe that frustration is also bothering me.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

the frustration hasn't gone away, it's only gotten worse over the last ten days. i hate how sleepy i am all the time. i hate how much i have to sleep and it doesn't get any better. i hate that i keep getting nightmares that make me feel exhausted to wake up even when i get eight and a half hours of sleep consistently.

i spend so much time on social stuff... just with this discord group, a small one, since the big one fell through so bad. we do so much stuff several days a week, every week, and between that and work and living alone i feel like i don't have any time or energy to work on my project consistently. my pace has become glacial, even when i'm not *in* the bigger discord community anymore- i'm not metaphorically sticking my fingers into electrical sockets anymore. i feel like something's wrong with me.

it's hard to even love my project. like... i do love it, i love telling this story and i feel like it's important to tell. but at the same time, working on it has gotten grueling with how little energy i have. and it feels like there's no reward. even after five and a half years of posting consistently, high activity, production value going up, only three people outside of my friend group liked my latest story post. that's... even less than usual.

it's no one's fault. "thaaaat's showbiz babey" etc. i just feel despair about so many things, feeling abandoned, feeling invisible, feeling left behind, and that's adding to it.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

i was out in alaska for the last... almost two weeks? i got back home on friday. it's been a rough time. the trip was fine, i just didn't have any internet or cellular signal, and i don't have that much in common with my family, so i was very unoccupied.

i'm reading a book lately. an actual book, with like pages and stuff. that's kind of nice. i hope i can read more books as i catch up on feedback i want to give to club members and stuff.

i'm still so tired all the time. i get things done, i get up and go to work and have coffee or tea, i just don't get any more awake- or alert-ness. it's frustrating.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

between therapy and trying to be more open with my friends i still find it difficult to make time and mental space for journaling. i already talk about so much with, like, people who care? and respond? that it feels weird or redundant or even *difficult* to recount my day again in private.

that said, today was so long, man. i tried to go shopping on my own (didn't find what i was looking for, but i did pet a dog). my mom called and vented for forty minutes- my dad's mom is dying and making it very difficult for everyone the whole way out (just being... nasty to the nurses, stuff like that, choices she's making that only hurt everyone around her). i biked out to the movie theater and saw the new spooderman movie which was very good. i had a difficult conversation with a friend that didn't really resolve the stuff going on or satisfy me.

i'm burnt out with art right now and finding it difficult to draw little things... i think i just want to make finished pages right now and forcing myself to sketch isn't working very well. unsure- since i do WANT to sketch and set up new segments... maybe i just have a headache.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

i finished re-reading blue sky... it’s been ten years. it’s just as good as i remember. 

even now i find myself motivated to *go write, go create* now that i’ve read it and remembered everything. i want to take all that love i found in reading this story and pour it all over my own project and maybe give other people that same feeling of “oh yes, i couldn’t get enough of the characters through the source material and here they are, everything they could be to their fullest potential” that this story gives me about my favorite game ever. i can think of nothing more important than going to my sketchbook and making something that good. 

it’s brought up a lot of the feelings and thoughts i had when i was twenty, when i wasn’t doing so hot mentally. but this time... i dunno. i had a friend to gush about it with, i had a stable daily routine and i didn’t stay up late reading it (just made dinner late lol), paced myself with manageable chunks. the physical experience of reading it was drastically different even if the emotional experience just felt like... i dunno, home? everything i ever wanted in a story? i want to create more things that are everything i ever wanted. even if my creation is inherently darker and edgier, longer to tell, than the inspiration i took from.

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

[wakes up] ohhhhh i am suffering quite vigorously today...

[ijustthinkfrogsarecool]

today’s been another normal day. roll out of bed at 6:45, bike to work in the cold, work for 8 hours, bike home in the heat. slop myself across the floor for 15 minutes before i try to do chores and tasks. 

i tried walking the neighbor’s dog again and he got out of his collar and ran at a neighbor’s dog. that was humiliating and also dangerous. he did at least sit down and wait for me after a minute. i was rattled and grimy enough afterward from chasing him around and diving at the concrete that i needed a shower. 

then i read to my friend for a chapter. he’s trying to be more involved with friends’ projects, but seems to have trouble reading himself, so i read out loud to him. that’s also more tiring than reading quietly, but at least it’s stuff i haven’t seen either, so it’s progress toward catching up on friend projects.

then i had dinner, and i had too many carbs because now i can barely keep my eyes open but i still have half of my chores left to do for the day, not to mention i haven’t sat down to draw or anything. i don’t know when the comic is going to get done if i never have time or energy to sit down with it.