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the absolute best quotes from bdylanhollis's vintage baking tiktoks

• "thought this was a joke. turns out im the joke."

• "you can use a mixer, i just do this to feel something"

• "fold in sauerkraut carefully. or what? im going to ruin your disaster?"

• "can a cake be tried for treason?"

• "either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy"

• *disgusted chewing noises* "DEMON BABY!!!"

• "before pumpkin pie became king people ate this....now they're dead."

• "combine all ingredients except for pie shell. were you rEALLY WORRIED I WAS GOING TO PUT A F U L L Y C O N S T R U C T E D PIE SHELL INTO THIS?"

• "im a fool, not an idiot."

• "its like reading directions to purgatory"

• "now we have carbonated mayonnaise lime water"

• "MARSHMALLOWS!! with the m a y o??"

• "chop up your dehydrated cow"

• "it tastes like it's insulting me"

• "and its not just a little bit. no. its a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise."

• "honey you cant dilute a war crime"

• "you know its horrible now but i hope it turns out okay. like children."

• *beans boiling over in a pot* "ahhhhHH BEAN REBELLION!!"

• "eggie!! how many? i don't know. it just says EGGS."

• "did you just kill my blender?" *broken blender noises* "hello?" *insane maniacal laughter* "this is personal now. you swung first!!"

• "why are you good? yOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!!"

• "one of the many questionable substances people experimented with in the 70s...pistachio pudding."

• "smells like a palm springs retirement home"

• "nixon wished it was this easy."

• "this was the cold war after all. fear of communist bananas was at an all time high."

• "the 70s. sponsored by the color beige."

• "its uncomfortably appetizing"

• "meat and desserts was quite common back then. so was botulism."

• "'honey would you like earl gray or pork?' 'ill take a divorce'"

• "sweet, bitter and meaty. like my ex."

• "don't say it dylan" *2 seconds later* "CIMMANIMM!!"

• "350 for two and a half hours! i suppose any less and it might gain consciousness."

• "its a little late in the century for war crimes."

• "are you just making things up? who are you??"

• *opening a can of spam* "you know ive never been particularly religious. but today might be the day."

• "a cup of evaporated milk?! have you lost the plot?!"

• "i feel like if i do this correctly im going to invoke the spirit of richard nixon"

• "this aint food honey this is a bioweapon"

• "sir your phone number is 4 digits"

• "well i don't have sorghum because i don't have a life expectancy of twelve"

• "thats the power of pine sol baby!"

• "bake to your liking. sweetie none of this is to my liking."

• "this is what id imagine a toilet brush to taste like"

• "this is why we don't perform lobotomies anymore."

• "should be a pale white." *holds butter up to arm for comparison*

• "i bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."

• "smells like dentures."

• "not bad dead people"

• "its incredible. and im mad about it."

• "sift your flour three times. lady your cake has tomato soup in it, this is thE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!"

• "'911 whats your emergency?' 'yeah that lady carol is at the barbecue again.'"

• "careful not to over mix. sorry im just trying to kill it."

• "now i know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey sOURED B A D MILK!"

• "disgusting wasnt enough for you?!"

• "call the U.N."

• "bake until done. you're a piece of work."

• *plays accordion on his kitchen floor*

• "tastes like a shower drain or a bunion"

• "this recipe was sent to me by herbert hoover feet pics. theres something for everybody"

• "are you nine inches yet?? said 14 year old me."

• "i suppose its better than eating your offspring"

• "oh betty crocker WHAT ARE YOU UP TO??"

• "you could just use canned pineapple. if you were a communist."

• "can you bake a pie with four ingredients? yes! i could also eat my mattress."

• "add three gils of water. was this written for a fish?"

• "i think this qualifies as a preexisting condition"

• "unconstitutional!"

• "its a breast implant"

• *clunking from the cabinets* "i think ive summoned something"

• "it seems to have collapsed. like the south."

• "the slogan for this cookbook is 'it's digestible'"

• "remember kids the main ingredient in pie pastry is self doubt"

• "fry in two tablespoons of crisco. on this episode of dead white people."

• "i didnt know tuberculosis had a color scheme"

• "ive baked a toilet."

• "how am i supposed to know how big your teacups are, ira?"

• "why do dead people like dates?"

• "easy does it. wouldn't want to ruin a disaster."

• "'ira honey i'm going to war.' 'over what?' 'your cooking'"

• "tastes like a boot. like a size 10 boot."

• "why just live in the great depression when you could also have chronic diarrhea"

• "it wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. well i won't be plumping my prunes in just anything. buy me dinner first."

• "it looks like a failed grave robbery"

• "walnuts aint gonna save this recipe sweetie"

• "you know its not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony."

• "'where you goin with that tuna dylan?' 'oh you know just making jello"

• "this recipe is making me cry, not the onions"

• "are we sure this recipe wasnt written by a cat?"

• "it already looks like the great depression"

• "bake in a moderate oven. no need to get political"

•"don't tell gordon ramsey"

• "it tastes like a question mark. but a good question mark"

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CAUSE EVERY TIME WE TOUCH I GET THIS FEELING

EVERY TIME WE KISS I SWEAR I COULD FLY

CAN’T U FEEL MY HEART BEAT FAST, I WANT THIS TO LAST

NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

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Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) dir. George Miller

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Portrait of a Young Woman, Jean-Etienne Liotard 

Girl with a Pearl Earring, Johannes Vermeer 

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Sometimes I wish I was grown up gay famous comedian Richie Tozier when he came back to Derry simply because the joke material is so good

To Pennywise: “What are you gonna do eat me? I would say I taste bad but the groupies that suck me off after my shows tell me otherwise”

To Bowers after straight up murdering him: “say hi to your daddy for me I’m sure he’d appreciate it considering how much he loved hearing me back in ‘88”

To Ben: “Are we back here because you sold your fucking soul to the clown demon to be hot?” “I mean- you made the right choice but still”

To Eddie: “Risk analyst, huh? Well people call me a risk all the time,, analyze me” 😏

To Bill: “Awh shit this is gonna end worse than one of your books”

As Stanley’s spider head attacks him: “Is this because I read your diary in 6th grade? Because we all already knew you had sexual fantasies about fucking birds, so no big deal right!?”

In the sewers hiding from Pennywise: “I haven’t ran this fast since I took speed in college, and even then I got to promptly pass the hell out”

When Paul Bunyan attacked him: “Shit! When I tweeted I wanted a big bear to step on me this is not what I meant”

Leaving Jade of the Orient after the fortune cookie monstrosities: “Still not my worse experience in a Chinese restaurant”

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right

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can i have an au where famous comedian richie tozier starts playfully beefing with this random guy named eddie on twitter bc he called richie unfunny and they have this sort of rivalry going on for a few weeks until one day this guy eddie posts a selfie and richie sees it and he’s just like what the fuck he’s HOT ???!?!!!? the guy i’ve been publicly roasting on twitter for three weeks is actually hot what the fuck oh god i’ve fucked up

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why does everyone say eddie and stan die? where's the information from?

I’m as confused as you are, anon. It’s not even in the book!

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something to show you

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One of those fandom things that I love is when there’s new characters around and, with the unwavering confidence of an old farmer appraising cattle, fanfic authors take one good look at them, tilt their imaginary hat, and go “Aye. Praise kink, that one. Mighty case of praise kink if I ever saw one.” And everyone else just “aye.”

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quick question, w hat are you rodents doing to my cat? 

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RAT MAN MERCH

Because the People asked for it. Here it is.

For one week only he’s available at my Redbubble shop. (https://www.redbubble.com/people/og-reynaruina/works/62459481-dibs-bath-water?asc=u)

Here some further examples of stuff he’s on: 

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⭐ A collection of Benverly-Reddie Parallels ⭐ It: Chapter One (2017) | It: Chapter Two (2019) Dir. Andy Muschietti

based on @matuk-art ‘s videos (link in notes) 

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Guys. Ok...ok .ok WAIT. WAIT.

Eddie. Puts his hand. On Richie's shoulder. To comfort him. In the carpark. When he's upset.

I. Am HAVING a MELTDOWN oohhhh myyy GOooddddddd SEND HELP

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aNnOyInG