ileftempty - Tumblr blog

[ileftempty]

being a girl is like thank you for the eating disorder

[ileftempty]

being a woman is just a constant cycle of [maybe if i was prettier] [maybe if i was prettier] [naybe if i was—]

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holy shit can i just look in the mirror and SEE myself for once instead of some random shape that my brain says "Bad!!!!!" to at all times im so tired

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It’s the end of August and we’re literally still trying to pick ourselves from the floor, huh

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feeling rly weird with how i see myself. im looking at pictures of when i weighed more than i do now and i think i look thinner then. didn't realize how drastic my ed got in the spring. hate that i want that again.

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omg WHAT is the point in me standing up and seeing stars like 5 times a day if im not losing weight !!!!! my stepmom is purposely feeding me more than anyone else in the family even though she's already made me gain almost all of it back :') and we're going to the beach on sunday and i don't get to be happy with my body at the beach like FOR ONCE!

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my dad saying "i don't want to have to take you to the hospital in three months because you're 80 pounds and dying. you need to eat" while i sobbed on the other end of the phone yea that was a classic that was a classic

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mitski + body image

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literally FUCK living at home. im barely in the 120s anymore bc my stepmom watches me eat like a hawk and makes sure i eat fucking everything. i was maintaining 123 before i came home jesus christ and now i have to lose it all over again. by the end of this week, I'll be 126. here we go. so frustrating.

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just threw up everything ive eaten today i think from drinking last night and anxiety. i was done eating for the day but im scared of pushing my body too far n i feel weak. might eat ice cream or something bc there's literally nothing in my stomach. ugh :(

[ileftempty]

got thru my plateau finally and hit 119.8 this morning!! really can't believe it, i never thought I'd actually get to the teens. every time i hit a new goal im so happy and so scared at the same time.

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update

weighed myself today and saw the number 122 and i literally never thought I'd ever actually see the low 120s and i wasn't even trying this past week. im realizing how different i look and it makes me happy and sad. I'll post pics soon bc i find it surreal lol.

[ileftempty]

i feel so proud! every Christmas my family buys my sister and me matching pajamas to wear christmas eve and they always bought me large and medium and i just opened mine and they were a size small :'))) im still about 15 pounds away from my goal (110 ish) but this just makes me so happy. merry christmas!

[ileftempty]

I don’t want to bond over my most traumatic experiences in order to be liked.

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i literally told myself that i would never see the 130s again and guess who just weighed in at 130.6? i hate this so much. i used to have so much control.

[ileftempty]

my main coping mechanism is pretending like I don’t care