iliterallyhatethis

[iliterallyhatethis]

breathe

you had a good productive talk where you established common ground

it's ok to not have convinced him of anything

you didn't get upset

you can have a layered understanding of this

and also understand that it's good to make space for those who need it

and also not meet him with hostility

you don't do any good that way

establish common ground it's ok to do that

hell it's ok to lie a little to appeal to his empathy for others by using his empathy for you

you're safe

he doesn't want you to die and he doesn't think you don't deserve rights

consciously lmaoo

but yk yk yk

he doesn't think about the consequences of things for other people and you can't make him

[iliterallyhatethis]

buddy just slow down and try not to be pissed all the time you're stressing yourself out and being an ass about it

[iliterallyhatethis]

ik it's not bad it just is like

does this mean I'm just as weird as everyone ever told me or made me feel

can everyone tell. has everyone always been able to tell. is this what Ive always felt like everyone knew except me.

it just. recontextualizes my whole fucking life and I feel so stupid for not knowing or seeing it

[iliterallyhatethis]

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

[iliterallyhatethis]

You’re valid if your trauma made you sex-repulsed or hypersexual.

You’re valid if it made you both or you switch between the two.

I also want to add that it doesn’t have to be a result of sexual trauma. And you aren’t dirty or anything like that.

[iliterallyhatethis]

[iliterallyhatethis]

Growing.

[iliterallyhatethis]

The myth I think that annoys me the most is “you have to forgive them in order to heal” and when people push back you get “oh no no! You forgive them for you not them”.

Still, a no from me. I didn’t forgive him for me. So many wanted me to to make things easier for them. Me not forgiving was my way of standing up for myself and saying “enough”. I wasn’t going to do things to make myself small. To make things easier for others. Not forgiving was me making my journey about me.

I think it’s so valid if forgiveness is a part of someone’s journey. (Just please make sure it’s because it is for you and not what others say you should do).

But for me? Not forgiving was a part of it.

I just want you to know that you’re valid if you forgive and you’re valid if you don’t. Both are okay.

[iliterallyhatethis]

it's not worth it it's not worth it it's not worth it it's not worth it it's not worth it

[iliterallyhatethis]

ik ur poor but I'm ALSO poor I want to be able to help pay bc im thankful that yall are supporting this for me rn but the reason yall are supporting this for me rn is bc I explicitly cannot afford it I do not make hardly any money and I have bills ik sisters don't understand how much bills are but that shit is already like a paycheck and a quarter for me and the rest goes to food/gas/necessities I spend so little money on myself but I really cannot be spending less bc I need to be able to be okay I can't just survive here

[iliterallyhatethis]

Brianna Albers, "The Audre Lorde Questionnaire to Oneself" // Anne Carson, Glass and God // Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood // @iasoup-deactivated20190921 // @puppy__problems on Instagram // p.d., "Rest Achilles, the world will wait" // Lyra Wren // @pencap // Latin phrase translations // Emily Berry, Dear Boy

[iliterallyhatethis]

one of the most important things i’ve learned in therapy is that when you’ve experienced prolonged trauma in your childhood, pleasure feels uncomfortable. like, not that you don’t feel it, but that when you do feel it there’s an impulse to make it stop, because it’s extremely unfamiliar. and pleasure can mean many things, as simple as feeling cozy, and as complex as feeling loved. the neural pathways for feeling good have not had a chance to develop, and the neural pathways for feeling bad are quite practiced. feeling good, too, takes conscious practice.

[iliterallyhatethis]

i think "oh my childhood doesn't even impact me that much" & then im Afraid To Sit in The Living Room

[iliterallyhatethis]

dude Erich texted me in the middle of the night while I was asleep if he could ask me a question "between us, please" and I didn't reply til this morning bc I was SLEEPING and now I'm waiting with my stomach in knots bc what the fuck could he possibly need to ask me. that I can't tell aika about. bc that's what this is

it's my partners best friend who I don't regularly talk to at ALL cryptically asking if he can ask me something but not tell my partner about it. which is especially frustrating when I've got so much fucking anxiety

I don't know he could possibly be asking me. I don't want to have a conversation that u feels like an attack on anyone

they didn't hang out last night like they usually do and aika was sad. but like. God idk

[iliterallyhatethis]

that's not. their fault it's. something to think and journal about probably.

also you don't need to pick this apart, it's okay that it happened, and it's none of your business. sometimes we overstep

[iliterallyhatethis]

sometimes I think I react to feeling smothered (with love) by lashing out with contempt and resentment

[iliterallyhatethis]

you went a little too hard into manager mode

you tried to control or change how they were feeling, you went into "I'm handling the situation" mode instead of

sit and listen mode

sometimes you have a hard time doing that when you kinda disagree with a line of thought, and you think you have to be 10000% honest, you CAN'T support, you have to push back

there's appropriate times and inappropriate times to push back

and you're not in charge of how they interact with their family!!!!!!! you can't fix it, it's not your place to. you wouldn't like it if he has stepped in that way about your sisters

you're not a bad person for it! you just messed up, it's totally normal -- you apologized well, you meant it, they forgave you

and you can have messed up and still not entirely agree with their reaction to what's happening

but you don't have to express that second part, it's not helpful rn, or necessary

we just gotta remember it's okay for our loved ones to feel hard feelings, even when they maybe feel a tad triggering for us

you also do kind of tend to think they're overreacting to things, we should examine that bc idk if. that's good. like I want to get back to a place at least where I can be a little more instinctively respectful of his reactions. being in a relationship is hard