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Never got to Stage 2

18/2/2017

I need to use this blog as a vent again, and as a record. And honestly as I write this I have no idea how the final product will turn out because so many thoughts and feelings keep running through my mind and I can’t seem to grab any of them or hold them down.

It’s over. Maybe for now, maybe forever.

I’ve told this story 2 times already and thanks to the practice I guess I’m going to find writing it here pretty easy. The beginning is in the 2 previous posts. 

So somewhere around December I started getting unsatisfied with how the relationship was going. I mean we weren’t officially in a relationship but what else could you call it. I was starting all the texting again, and she didn’t seem to really want to spend time together. I guess I was needy, and I really did want affirmation that she liked me and I wasn’t getting it. And one week before the exams, it got really bad and I was stupid and I asked about it. We ended up agreeing to not see each other until after exams, or talking too much about it. Easier said than done though. I was such a wreck, it took real effort to not get distracted every time I studied. Thank goodness for the studying I did before that. 

After the exams, we somehow agreed to try again, and to be open to being closer. But we weren’t communicating as well as before, and I didn’t want to be the one to ask for things, like to study together, and I didn’t want to be the one initiating all our contact again. It was futile. 

We went out twice during Christmas, and once during CNY. I was happy, but inevitably I’d feel the same way after a short while. Some weeks we wouldn’t talk at all, and some weeks she’d reply really short replies. I missed her, I got annoyed, we’d somehow talk again properly, and I’d tell myself it was fine, then it’d happen over and over again. 

Along the way, she’d started coming to my church, and somehow finding it comfortable there. Coincidentally my church youth started a programme for all of us that would be really useful for her. So now if we messed up the risk was magnified, because if there was some huge change then there would be a chance she wouldn’t want to even try church for awhile. Firstly I didn’t want to be someone who ended pushing her away from church because I was being emotional, and secondly if she didn’t end up becoming Christian I wasn’t going to get together with her anyways. Think of this as consideration 1.

But here comes consideration 2. Through our entire friendship, I could never figure our properly if she liked me, and even when she was honest she couldn’t say it for sure. I’m not sure if you’re meant to be that unsure of whether you like someone, but it seems pretty clear to me honestly. I could reason that she’s never had this kind of experience before, but if after all we’ve done, she still couldn’t tell, it’s a fair bet that she didn’t actually have feelings for me. Maybe a really good friend, and I cannot deny that the friendship was really good at some points in time, but not to the point of actually wanting to be with me. In that case, as difficult as it is for me to admit it, she doesn’t like me.

Consideration 3: I have to study, she has to study (and is quite stressed about it), I have training 3 times a week, I have other people to care for and support and it’s just frankly emotionally draining all round.

It was eating away at me, and the Saturday before valentine’s I asked her out to see if she was going to say yes, and if there was still anything left. And she said yes. And I was confused, because after everything I’ve reasoned out there’s no reason for her to say yes, or at least she’d be pretty conflicted about it. But the yes came out more or less immediately. The issues were still eating away at me though and I didn’t want to go out on valentine’s day and not be able to enjoy it properly. 

So I met her the day before to ask, probably for the last time. She still couldn’t say for sure that she had feelings. And I guess I did most of the talking because I’d also done most of the thinking. And there’s only one real conclusion. I don’t want this to end in flames, and the only way to do that right now without killing me is to just be friends, and to keep it that way until something changes again. We decided to go out anyways the next day, and enjoy it, because it is possible.

Enjoy it we did, and I went to her room the night after to watch some videos as well. But there is an air of finality about it now. We haven’t talked properly since then or talked at length at all, and that’s probably the way it’s going to be for some time. 

Sometimes it feels like someone played a colossal joke on me. I wish she wasn’t someone so good that I can’t even get properly angry at her to get over her. I know that what I’m doing is for the better but honestly it kills me to be so close and yet so far. Whatever it is I don’t want to have to avoid her for months to get over her. 

Don’t get me wrong though, it hasn’t always been downhill. There have been high points, and high periods, and things that I am very grateful for. But again it’s a pity that it has to end here. And chances are that it will end, because if something ever changes for her I have no idea how I’d know, and I highly doubt she’ll say it. So while we’ve done this amicably and we’re once again, just friends, I hope that the day she finds someone else, I’ll have someone else too, because if not that would hurt even worse. 

What a first experience.

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Stage 1.5 - Support

3/12/2016 - This will be really short compared to how much I actually feel, but it can be summarized pretty quickly.

It’s been a bit more than 2 weeks since the last post. And God has really blessed us in how things have started to work out. I told her not too long after the last post about the initiation issue, and she actually really started to change :’). It’s something I’m really thankful for, and it’s really also provided me with a sense of security these past few weeks.

We talk more than ever, we managed to do quite a bit of studying together, and we solve problems pretty well as a team too. It has been a really really blessed time we’ve managed to spend together and I am grateful for every moment.

However some issues do remain. I feel like I am holding her back sometimes, in terms of studies. And I definitely need to buck up to match up to her for forms. My laziness is really holding me back and I need to find the determination to push for the two weeks remaining. There’s no way I can support her if I can’t support myself.

And in our talks I find that she does feel she is lacking in some ways that I either do not agree with or am not concerned by. However just like I feel I am lacking she does too. And I hope we find a way to support each other through this! I’m still doing the lion’s share of the talking. But she’s a good listener, and spending time with her gives me a lot of joy. It’s been good. Thank God. :)

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Stage 1 Reflections: Choosing a Speed

It’s the 15th of November, 2016. I went to see the supermoon with her yesterday night. The first talk on the field happened on the 20th of October, and the day I first confessed properly to anyone was the 21st. It’s been nearly 4 weeks, of uncertainty, longing, and yet joy and comfort. And whatever happens after this I never want to look back on it and wish it never happened. This will be its documentation.

After the field conversation, and the situation it escalated into, we agreed to be friends, with room to get closer. I wasn’t sure if I really liked her or if it was a passing crush. She wasn’t sure either. She was scared of hurting me, and I was scared that I would lose her in her efforts to distance herself. So we agreed, that I would be emotionally mature enough, to not be in over my head. And we agreed to be honest with each other about what we were comfortable with, that if we decided it wasn’t going to work out, we would communicate. At that point, I was still very much in control of myself. I didn’t feel an overwhelming need to spend time with her, or to be her best friend, or to share things with her. I was what I’d promised to be.

Cut to nearly a month later, I cannot look back and truthfully say that I am fully in control of my emotions. I feel a sense of longing to spend time with her when I’m not with her. I feel an immense sense of emotional happiness when I do get to spend time with her. I feel jealousy when I see someone else making her happy. I feel pride when I see her doing well, and I cannot but notice how beautiful she is in her existence. I look at my phone sometimes to see if she’s texted, and I wish that she’d be the one to ask to spend time together, instead of me. Her sadness turns me sombre and her happiness gives me a sense of pure elation.

I was able to distance myself earlier, because I didn’t know what she felt about me. I would have been happy, sad but joyful if she’d gotten together with any of the other options. But somehow, and some way she chose me. And this gave rise to an interesting problem.

In knowing that she wanted to spend time with me, I felt okay with asking for more. We’d said that we would keep on doing what we had already been doing, and let things escalate naturally. But with the knowledge that my feelings were not unreciprocated, I felt emboldened. It was easier to ask if she wanted to study, it was easier to ask if she wanted to run or play sports. This wasn’t a natural escalation. From possibly spending weeks getting closer before confessing, the timeline got shortened to a confession and a really really short period of intense escalation.

I talked to her nearly every night, and on the nights that I decided not to text her, I ended up losing my self-control and texting her anyways the next day. It was really rare for her to initiate any of it, but I got the feeling that she enjoyed it anyways. I felt vulnerable, but joyfully so. She stayed up to times she’d never stayed up before. Maybe it was in person, maybe on skype, maybe texting. I became a distraction for her, and she was the greatest distraction I’ve ever had. Is. The greatest distraction I have as I type this.

I told myself I wouldn’t make the same mistakes as I did previously. I wouldn’t base our conversations on just jokes and meaningless talk, and keep a good balance of humour and yet meaningful sharing. I wouldn’t take her lack of initiation as a problem, and end up distancing us in a passive aggressive back and forth of “I want you to want me”.

But it’s ironic, because if I want what she doesn’t want, then the whole premise that we started our interaction on is flawed. Our agreement to be honest and to have self-control fails. And the side that is failing is me. I feel a sense of immense happiness when I’m with her, but I also feel sad when she doesn’t take steps to escalate what we do, that she doesn’t feel as emotionally invested as I do, that she doesn’t long for me as I long for her. I cannot be honest without putting pressure on her to do something she may not want to do. Things as simple as staying up later, or going to the field to talk. 

In feeling these emotions I am unable to naturally start a happy conversation. I feel melancholy and longing, and she does not understand that I am simultaneously happy. I understand that this will eventually put a strain on our relationship, but I am unable to be genuinely bright and bubbly. I do fake it though, and when we do something, instead of just talk, it gives me material to sustain a conversation.

At this point in time, the greatest issue is that I don’t know what she wants, and she definitely wants a lot less than I do. (I made this clear last night.) She is more adept at distancing herself and being in control, and also wary to initiate anything. It could be because she really feels like it would inconvenience me, or it could also be a way to preserve deniability, that she was going along and not actually invested. (I can’t explain the 2nd point very well and I’ll probably edit it when I find better words.) But I cannot say that I blame her for feeling either of those emotions.

Today is one of those days I’ll do nothing unless she initiates it. And if she does not I will spend time studying, and reflecting, and talking with God. In everything I believe He has a plan. And I probably do need to wrestle with my lack of self-control.

The most important thing right now is to decide on a good pace to continue at. The current stress and uncertainty burns me out, and hits me at the most unexpected of times. In all though, I am joyful for this first experience, and I really hope that it works out in the end. We’ll see how it goes. :)

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Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Manon, Ballerina (via thequotejournals)

I have seen this happen in my life as a pastor over the years again and again and again. I would be on my way to the hospital when I didn’t feel like it. And some saint is in trouble, and I repent to God. “God, I wish I had more compassion. I wish I felt more affection. I wish you were more fully in charge of my heart right now. Please, restore to me the joy of loving my people.” And how many times have I walked into that room and, either before I get to the bed or as I put my hand on some dear saint’s arm, God awakens gladness in being there, gladness in being able to share the word, gladness in being an instrument of their hope, gladness in hoping that some of my gladness in the Lord would sustain them in their trial.

The duty of love always includes more than willpower behavior. It includes the gladness in God that overflows in the hope of including others in it. When the behavior and the gladness are both there, the duty is being performed. And when the gladness is not there and we confess it and repent and pray for forgiveness and act in hope that God will restore it, that, too, is our duty.

Taken from http://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/is-it-love-if-i-don-t-feel-it

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A Lesson

There’s a girl who smiles all the time, to show the world that she is fine.

A boy who surrounds himself with friends, wishes that his life would end.

For those who say they never knew, the saddest leave the least of clues.

-Lang Leav, A Lesson

I used to think I knew this so well. But time and time again God reminds me of my pride. And until now I still am not sure of what the past 2 days were supposed to mean. I’m so confused. There’s an aching feeling inside of my chest and I just can’t get rid of it.

I have a friend who I thought was secure in his faith. Someone who was upright and mature and logical in the way he acts. Someone who would be able to think about a situation logically and keep his emotions in check. But suddenly he’s in over his head and he breaks. And I realize again that sometimes the people that seem so secure, with so many avenues for support, really actually do require the support to function. 

I know this girl who wears one of the brightest smiles I could imagine. Someone who was mature enough to be able to support friends, and to bear the burden of their emotions while appearing fine on the surface. But faced with guilt that shouldn’t have been hers she becomes scared of what she is capable of doing, to take a heart by storm, and then break it. She fears that she is fickle, and immature, and feels the need to push everyone away.

I used to think I could be a calming presence, a provider of joy to people who were lost in their sadness. Solace to people who were grieving, and order to a chaotic mind. But I don’t know if I care enough to do it anymore. In my selfishness I don’t think I care enough to properly empathize. In my pride I assume I’ve seen it before and I know the solution. In my stupidity I assumed I would be a welcome consciousness. 

I’m tired. And I want to be a blessing, a source of joy, but I’m not sure I can be anymore, and I just don’t know how.

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This is pretty dang nice

[zen pencils]

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Reason Enough :)

So I’ve started med school! After all that time just not doing much, the past few weeks have been really eventful. And I’ll post this stuff just for the memories, hopefully with more to follow in the future. :) This thing is next to incoherent I have no idea why or what I want to say.

So I got a really awesome OG, with people who were not douchey and were actually fun.

A really cool house family which is always ready to meet up and have fun. And celebrate birthdays! It was very very cute. AND WE WENT TO JB AND HAD FUN TOO. Still amazes me how the seniors who are younger than me really feel like seniors despite their age.

An unexpectedly insane TBL group with people who make a lot of sense and very little sense at the same time.

And I went overseas with these people! To be honest I don’t know why I did it, or how exactly I managed to spend 3 days doing nothing but talking and walking and eating, but IT HAPPENED. It really intrigues me how mature and immature we can all be at the same time, and how really experience is the defining factor. Reasoning doesn’t really translate exactly from one area of life to another, and while I’ve been blessed to have seen what I’ve seen, I look forward to seeing much more of the world on this part of my journey. Happy to have gotten to know these people that bit better, and now I’m that much more determined to save up money for a good next trip. 

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Photos aside, I guess there are a few things that I want to remember at this point in time.

1) I am really thankful to be where I am now, to have gone through what I went through, and to be absolutely absurdly joyful about my future although I have no idea what could happen.

2) God made my path straight, no matter the mistakes I made. Every single time he has brought me out, and taught me a lesson through each and every painful experience. I really hope to be able to use these experiences to bless others. And to be open to new experiences and opinions, to succumb less to pride and to be humble and wise.

3) True to form each season in my life has been complemented with different friends. As the people that I’ve known for the past few months begin to grow distant, I hope I keep remembering why I treasure them as friends. And I really hope someday God teaches me how to keep people for longer.

4) I need to study harder nowadays. Med school so far hasn’t been taxing, or I haven’t been pushing myself. I’ve been given the opportunity I’ve earned for for so long, and I cannot waste this. 

5) It confuses me sometimes what exactly I’m looking for in a partner, and how exactly I’m going to go about getting one. However I think I trust in God’s timing, and right now it doesn’t feel like he’s said go. The past 2 years if anything have taught me faith, and I will follow what he says in faith. 

6) I need to read the BIble more.

7) I finally might properly play a competitive sport, and I want to be the best. In everything I hope I will be a proper sportsman, and a good friend and teammate. Can’t lose sight of the person I want to be.

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I’ve always found small reasons here and there to make it through each period in life. In school there were friends, and my aspiration to be a doctor. In the army there was my recruits. I don’t know if now it’s because I believe there is a plan for me to use what I’ll learn to serve God’s kingdom, or how long I’ll need to stick to this form of motivation. I hope that whatever it is I’ll be able to stay the course. In each season, somehow God shows me reason enough to carry on. One day I’m sure I’ll find a reason that extends to more than just a passing phase in life. Until then, my faith is reason enough. :)

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Quiet Parting Words

So I posted part of this on facebook, but decided to leave out the more personal opinions so it wouldn’t offend anyone. Had a picture to go with it too!

Romans 5:3-5 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the holy spirit, whom he has given us.

I pinned this verse on the corkboard in my room a few months ago. There were many moments of difficulty while training. Motivation was hard to come by most of the time, and it was really only by God's grace that I pulled through these past 9 months. There's so much to say, and words really cannot wield the matter. But that won't stop me from trying.

There are a few groups of people to thank for making this journey possible, in their unique ways. To my family, for driving me to safti every single time I needed to book in, for feeding me great food whenever they had the chance, for being concerned and for supporting me through the tough times. To the friends that I met up with outside of the army, be it for basketball, frisbee, or just to talk about life in general, you made each day I spent out a day well spent. Thanks for keeping in contact despite your own busy schedules and personal commitments. To the instructors that guided me through the 9 months, from CLM to service term to pro term and then to joint term. Thank you for being some of the best people that I have met, for putting in the effort to train us not only to be soldiers, but to be men of character, and for not giving up on us no matter how dismal our performance was. It takes a great instructor to train a good cadet, and I have definitely learnt important lessons, and more importantly, values from all of you. And last, but definitely not least, to my fellow cadets. It's been a rollercoaster ride and it's only because all of you put in the effort, that we stood on that parade square saturday evening and threw our caps into that beautiful sky. We wouldn't have made it if not for all the mutual support, through JCC, while fighting homerun and finale, tanking that backbreaking load pantherstrike required and running our hearts out because we wanted with all our hearts to win PAC as a platoon. And I cannot forget to mention the people from service term in sierra, through centipede and scorpion king, I forged bonds and made memories with some of you that I will never let go of.

There are some things that I have to share as well, thoughts that really struck me as important. Firstly, it's amazing how privileged, and plain lucky we are to have made it to that parade square. There are so many people, that were not given the chance to even try, for a myriad of reasons, and so many deserving cadets that were waylaid by injury and other unfortunate events. We cannot take lightly what we have been blessed with, and we have to carry out our duties to the best of our ability. Secondly, we have to take on fully the responsibility of the appointment that we have been given. No matter where we'll be posted, we will have to make decisions, and these decisions will affect our men, as well as the people around us. Not everything will be clear cut, and grey areas will always exist. I want to make each choice knowing that I would have made the same choice given the chance do it all over again. I believe that we should be fully accountable to our own conscience and values, and things will eventually fall into place. Lastly, we should treat everyone you meet, regardless of rank and age, with respect. We must try to empathise and find out more before making judgements about another person. Something that has remained true for me is this; Nurture and care for the people you meet, and your journey will have been that much more fulfilling when you finally complete it.

No words can describe clearly the surreal feeling of finally graduating from OCS. Thank you Sierra Platoon 1, Golf Platoon 2, and all the other people in between who took this journey with me. Keep in touch and keep the memories we've made close to your heart. I'll see you when I see you. :')

In Word and Deed. From Good to Great. To Lead, To Excel, To Overcome. To God Be The Glory, The Best Is Yet To Be. COMMISSION LOH

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I really hope that I life by the words that I wrote above.

And comms ball was a pretty good time to catch up too. Although there was next to no followup.

I’m a bit too lazy to write anything else. This one is just for the memories. BYE.

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IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

So tomorrow's your birthday, and sad to say I haven't gotten anything for it. AGAIN. :( I'll try and find something next week though, cos we have so many holidays, but no guarantees I don't even know what you'd want for a birthday. Alcohol? A video of keith AND alcohol? Nope no idea.

SO ALL YOU GET IS THIS MEASLY BLOG POST FOR A SHORT WHILE. MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

But really. I can't let this birthday go without saying a few things first. It's your 18th. YOU ARE LEGAL. That and it kinda marks your progress into a partial adulthood? But more than that, this year is the last year of our lives that we'll be spending time together on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. It's the last time we'll get to see each other around in school and maybe even talk at a bench once every 2 months or so. It'll be the last year that I'll be able to say "See you in school tomorrow!" or yell to you across great divide between the classes.

We'll take the exam, go our seperate ways. Different army companies, different universities. We may not even serve NS at the same times if I manage to defer it for medicine. Maybe meet up sometimes for someone's birthday, maybe even meet up to talk at an obscure cafe somewhere. But our main methods of communication would be our blogs and our facebook, that and wc3. ALWAYS wc3.

So as you have your birthday tomorrow. I'd like you to know that I'll never regret anything that has happened so far between us. I'm so so so happy that we got to know each other relatively well in sec 2, over coursework that we did at the last minute because I was an idiot. (Remember the headache you got over the geog coursework?) Going to your house to "do work" and ending up playing for most of the time. Going to your house to play and actually having the time of my life screwing around with your absolutely gigantic collection of toys. 

And it continued all the way till now. Sure we don't meet up much, but the rare times that we do talk for a long period of time, I get that feeling of security and the feeling of a connection between us, a feeling that doesn't make any sense. I have no idea if you feel the same way but I'm really thankful for our friendship. For having a friend like you that I could pour my thoughts out to when the going gets tough. And I really treasure the times when you consider me important enough, that you'd share your thoughts with me. So even as you go through this birthday, go through it realizing that you've made a difference in someone's life, no matter how insignificant that someone is. :) Thanks for everything, really. And sorry for that $200 phone bill because I was addicted to mousehunt during Year 2 OEP.

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FAST FORWARD EDIT. And yes this is late. VERY LATE.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA :D I really don't know how you managed to not notice all of us behind you when you were meeting TKC. My card says "I'm sure they didn't plan anything", and you have no idea how long they planned it for.

Don't ever ever ever EVER worry about whether people will remember you. You matter to people, y'know. You really do. I wasn't even the one that started the planning. Keith had started planning it before I even remembered. 

You have friends, SO THERE'S NO NEED TO BE INSECURE. I mean, you're not a douchebag, or an arrogant stuck up piece of crap. At most, you're quiet-ish. But look at the friends you have. Really please NEVER NEVER put me through the whole "nobody remembered my birthday" thing again, because I swear you're the last person that it'll happen to.

Let me post the evidence. You know one fine day, if you'd checked wc3, you'd have seen a lot of deleted messages. Something like this:

Cos you were offline. So we could afford to speak and then delete the messages. Then it progressed to this:

And of course you know the result.

So I hope you have had a satisfactory birthday. And I know this is really REALLY late. 2 weeks late in fact. But thanks. And know that you matter. Really never ever ever think that you don't matter to people. :)

Happy really really belated birthday to you. MAH BFF.

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100 Days More

So there's a 100 days more. Or is it 99. I don't know. (EDIT 29th July: It's 97 dang)

Anyways, I did dismally for my exams, and coming home my parents did nothing to help, even in terms of work. So well it was painful to say the least. Can't really manage to type it out here, and maybe if we get to talk sometime we could talk about it, but I could end up crying.

Anglolympics sucked that day too. That day just sucked so bad. I don't even know how many friends I have left.

But anyways. Target for prelims, even with parental interference: 41 points.

Time to stop screwing around. Btw don't tell anyone else about the target. I'm going to hustle the shit out of some classmates.

And if I don't hit the target it's less embarrassment for me. :)

Gah I was rolling around the idea of doing something stupid during prom. Weighing the pros and cons, confessing (privately not publicly) to a girl who another friend likes. YAY DOUCHEBAG.

It's the same old problem I guess. Time to buck up. For all of us.

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AHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA THIS IS GOLD

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So much to say, So little meaning.

The past weekend has been a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts. I have gone through so much, from emotional highs and lows, to reflecting on what I am, what I've gone through and the world around me. It won't be easy to capture everything here, but I have to try.

So we'll start with the (relatively) shorter part: 

ACNOW on Friday.

I didn't go for ACNOW last year. My parents didn't let me go, and around this time last year, I decided for myself that I wouldn't be asking them to let me go the next time. I'd find my own excuse, make my own opportunity. It's really ironic considering the whole "Honour your father and mother" thing, but then again I'm used to this. Not that it's right, but whatever guilt I have from lying to them isn't very strong.

I went with my OG mates, a few of them at least. It was definitely more comfortable than sitting beside my classmates, where I would be eternally judged, and then judged again. But again, it wasn't easy. I was sitting beside this girl, probably the girl that I'm closest to in my OG, and I was singing my heart out. 

Honestly I don't know if it was the right decision. Throughout the entire ACNOW, I was distracted. Distracted because I didn't know what she'd think of my singing, distracted because during these type of events I'd really like to hug the person next to me, and she was definitely not going to let me hug her and I wanted to so much. Distracted because I was thinking about being distracted and trying to get my head on course. There was this part where they told us to pray for the person beside us, and I just found that it was too awkward for me to just pray for her. I had nothing to say, so I went behind to my class and helped to pray for someone I thought I needed to. But yes it was awkward.

The music was good. The speaking was good. And they had the right focus. As I posted before, I'd never actually thought about the song in that way, but it was so beautiful. I actually think that they had the right focus, in not taking worship as just the singing of songs, because that's exactly what so many people don't realize. Worship is so much more than just singing, it's an everyday thing. It's more than just a superficial tune. 

Then they called us to go up, kneel down in front, if we wanted our lives to be changed, if we wanted to make the change in our lives. To worship with all our lives. It's not like this hasn't happened before, that I haven't gone through this whole thing about how if I want to change my life, go up and let the pastor pray for you and go back (hopefully) changed in the sense that I'll have enough determination to make the change in my life.

It's twofold I guess: 1) I declared that I want to make the change, so I'm accountable to myself. 2) I'm accountable to everyone else that saw me go up, not that people really notice.

But the problem within is that while I sorely want to make the decision, I know I'm not willing to give up the stuff that I have to give up, in order to be the good christian, to be the testimony that I keep on praying I'll become.

So I didn't go up, when everyone else in my OG went, besides the girl beside me. I just sat there, like an idiot, half crying, wondering what to do, whether maybe I could get the courage and the perseverance to go up and do the right thing from then on. But I didn't go up, and that kinda sums it all up. I'm not ready yet and I need to become much more mature, to become much more accountable for myself. 

Oh and yes, after the entire thing ended, she just daoed me. Not that she was the main thing on my mind, but still, it's like double the pain. The music was good though, and I needed it.

Gah you know what? ACYLC can wait. I'll post it another day.

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This was a really beautiful song that I heard at ACNOW, and I have never thought of it as a religious song, even after hearing it for a year at assembly. I used to sing it to random people as a joke, like "I SEE YOUR FACE, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL." But now I know better.

It's beautiful really, and I really thank God for Friday and ACNOW and all the things that have happened these past two days. 

As for my full thoughts on ACYLC and ACNOW, I'll post them sometime soon, maybe tomorrow, once I have a nice rest :) I'm really happy now. I don't know why but life just seems right.

Lyrics:

I see Your face in every sunrise The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes The world awakens in the light of the day I look up to the sky and say You're beautiful I see Your power in the moonlit night Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright We are amazed in the light of the stars It's all proclaiming who You are You're beautiful, You're beautiful I see You there hanging on a tree You bled and then You died and then You rose again for me Now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne Soon we will be coming home You're beautiful, You're beautiful When we arrive at eternity's shore Where death is just a memory and tears are no more We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring Your bride will come together and we'll sing You're beautiful (x2)  I see Your face,  You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful I see Your face,  You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful I see Your face,  I see Your face I see Your face,  You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

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Leading me on

I've had many opportunities for leadership in my life. I've turned down many, and I've screwed up the ones that I got. It's been this crazy stupid thing. 

Like the last time when I turned down the promotion to SPL in year 3, deciding to become an ASPL instead, because I was just too scared to have to compete with the rest. Or the time when I screwed up my speech for ventures exco, assuming that I'd be able to impromptu it out. 

And with the positions I have taken, from an ASPL to a venture PL to all those random things I've taken charge of. Camp IC, Camp 2 IC, Quartermaster, Group Leader, Project Leader, all that random crap. 

Have I ever, ever made a good leader? I mean I did do the right things, in one sense, I had the goal in mind when I planned camps, when I brought things to fruition. People followed because I was good, and for no other reason. But they also left because I wasn't able to keep them with me. I wasn't able to be the shining light that people wanted to follow. My plans were hardly ever flawed, but my ability to get people to follow these plans was, because I didn't have the charisma that a leader is supposed to show, and that was very much my downfall, because in the end, the only people I lead are the people that have known me for some time, and know what I can do. But if you are going to lead a bunch of people that you don't know at all, how exactly are you going to get them to know you that fast?

So after year 4, after I gave up the leadership. I decided that maybe I'm not cut out to be a leader, because maybe I'm just a skilled follower. This could still very much be true. I don't take any kind of lead in class projects anymore. I used to have to take the lead in scouts because if I didn't something would go wrong, but now that they were just simple projects, I found that it would be good to sit back, and maybe see how other leaders worked. And there were many more around me in class. Sword-of-honour recipient, parade commander, head of GB unit, captain of some sport, prefect, student council, venture exco even.

But all in all, I didn't see much in them. A leader that just points to his past achievements is nothing. How is it that you can be so inadequate, yet be able to speak out and assume to tell people what to do. From student councillors, to CSMs. How much will you smoke through before people realize that there's hardly anything inside?

I've put aside the part of me that was a leader in class, because there was nobody to lead, nothing to lead for. From Year 3 to Year 4 to Year 5. Not that I'd have succeeded much, considering the lack of ability to get people to take me seriously. Because getting people to take me seriously would take so much more of a toll on me, than to just go with the flow and have fun.

Now it's come to possibly the last chance to lead that I'll have in ACSI. Honestly I have no idea how I'll do. Will I screw up my group members' experience by being a shitty leader, or will I be able to make it worthwhile for them, to use what I have to show them what they have. I have no idea who I'll meet, whether it be people who are better leaders than me, to people who have no idea what exactly they're doing wrong. I honestly don't know. 

All I can do this time, is to be honest, to be myself, and to do as much right as I can for them. Maybe, just maybe, I'll succeed this time.

Or maybe I'm just leading myself on...

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A Land Far, Far Away...

We're pretty distant now, aren't we. Not just you, but you and you. All of you.

It's not going to end this way. I'm not going to let it.

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Have you ever felt like you were the only one on the road? Have you ever wondered, "Where has everybody gone?" Have you ever felt abandoned? Have you ever felt alone? Have you ever felt like just crying out for help? And then did you wonder "Will they even understand?" Have you ever felt a pain you could not bear? But the world, it goes around just fine anyway. Well I, I hear your cry, And I, I feel your pain; I know you try so hard To make things right, To overcome This endless fight-- Just don't give up. Have you ever felt like you just stepped over the line? And then, did you just pretend that everything was fine? Have you ever felt nobody knows who you are? Have you ever felt like a failure in disguise? Well I, I hear your cry, And I, I feel your pain; I know you try so hard To make things right, To overcome This endless fight-- Just don't give up; Just don't give up; Just don't give up; I won't give up.

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Betrayal?

I guess sometimes I decide to trust too much in the good of human nature.

Sometimes I just think that someone is chatting with me because he or she enjoys it, and not because I happen to be the only one left for them to talk with.

Sometimes, I'm just not as important to somebody as I want to be and it hurts when you find out that you don't mean all that much. How can you prevent yourself from becoming apathetic when you meet with it all the time? Really it's not easy. 

And something else. Is it their fault? Did they really betray you, or did you just have a naive belief that there was something more than just acquaintanceship. It hurts when you think you've made a friend, only to realize that there actually isn't much there.

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Oh and a pretty funny awkward moment on Sunday.

I was at the front of the church for holy communion, and suddenly someone walked up to me to stand beside me from another pew. My first ever crush back to haunt me.

I just stared ahead AND DAOED HER OMG WHY DID I DO THAT. I mean I could have nodded and acknowledged her presence but goodness me I just had to awkward turtle. I guess it meant more concentration on God anyways (excuses).

Why oh why is life so weird. All these little things.