illogarithmil

[illogarithmil]

we need more terrestrial molluscs. Snails and slugs are obviously a great starting point but we could definitely do more

[illogarithmil]

And what do you think constitutes such an experience?

[illogarithmil]

I have once aqain writ a blog post. (Actual blog) This one concerneð political critique and a Mage: the Ascension faction based upon Federico Campagna's goodishselling 2018 book Technic & Magic: the Reconstruction of Reality.

I have also written several others since last I advertised them on tumblr, because I took a mental health break. Backish now.

[illogarithmil]

I have once aqain writ a blog post. (Actual blog) This one concerneð political critique and a Mage: the Ascension faction based upon Federico Campagna's goodishselling 2018 book Technic & Magic: the Reconstruction of Reality.

I have also written several others since last I advertised them on tumblr, because I took a mental health break. Backish now.

[illogarithmil]

oops

(Comm for birb site fella again)

Previous ones 1 | 2

[illogarithmil]

"the purpose of even 'good' therapists under capitalism is to make you a more effective member of the workforce"

couldn't this be said about just about anything under capitalism? is it not true for doctors treating body illness so you can go back to work? or grocers selling you food so you convert calories into labor?

sure! & i mean this is also why we should be highly skeptical of doctors and of retailers. it's called ruthless criticism of all that exists innit

[illogarithmil]

Unironic question, tumblr longtimers perhaps you can explain this to me: how do you express a sense that you vibe with a fellow hellsite denizen who you would like to cultivate further connection with when you A) do not like any individual thing they post and B) do not wish to be constantly shown things they post

[illogarithmil]

You can't just casually mention garlic cock man and not tell the story that's against the law

Are you sure you know what you’re asking of me? Are you sure? Well, okay. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. This post is long and contains description of genital injury.

So as you’ll know, I worked three and a half long, hilarious years at an NHS sexual health and contraception clinic. I loved that job, and packed it in because the Tory cuts to the service meant running it became hideously untenably stressful, but that’s a story for another time. 

One of my duties at the clinic was to take phone calls. Patients liked me on the phone because I have a nice voice and I’m basically completely unflappable, and they felt happy to tell me things. A vital skill in the wang biz.

One day, a man called. This was not unusual.  “Hello,” he said. “I need to see one of your nurses about my, er, my chap.”

“Righty-oh sir,” I said, “are you experiencing any symptoms that you’re concerned about? It’s just a yes or no kind of question.”

“Well,” he said, and I instantly felt a dark and terrible energy pulsate down the phone.  “Well… sort of. But, uh, it’s not symptoms of anything, it’s just…”

I would come to regret what I said next. “Is everything all right, sir?”

“Well.”  There was a pause. I heard fidgeting.  “I got a yeast infection.”

Phew, easy peasy. Yeasties are easy to fix. I sounded reassuring and buoyant. “Well that’s nothing to worry about, sir - if you don’t want to get anything over the counter from the chemist, we can-”

“No, no, that’s not the problem. Listen -” he sounded serious. “Listen, I’ll just tell you what’s the matter, and you’ll see what I mean.”

This is where, whenever I tell this story, I like to ask the listener to play a little game with me. The game is “Where Would You Tap Out?”  I’d have already tapped out by going to the chemist and getting some Canestan.

“I didn’t want any chemicals on my chap, so I decided to go for a home remedy.  Internet said garlic was good for yeast infections, and I’ve got a lot of garlic, so I figured that’d be all right.”

I made sympathetic noises.  Home remedies for yeast infections are normal, and garlic is actually quite effective.  “Oh good,” I said.

“I wasn’t sure how much to use, but I figured, I have a lot of garlic usually, so I minced a whole bulb.”

The dark energy wafting down the phone intensified.

“I packed it all over my, you know, knob, made a poultice.  Packed it all over the head, like a hat.  But, uh, I wasn’t sure how to keep it on..”

I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to scare him off by sounding judgemental.

“..so I just duct taped it all on. Wrapped duct tape all round it.”

Still with us?  Tapped out yet?

“So er, that worked, kept it on nice and tight, and I left it on over night.”

Over night. All night with your cock mummified in garlic paste like some sort of fiendish chicken kiev.

“But, uh, when I took it off the next morning, well… garlic is…”

“Caustic,” I said, before I could stop myself. “Garlic is caustic.”

“Yeah! Yeah, it is!” he said, sounding cheerful that I, too, understood the Way of Garlic.  “So I unwrapped my dick and, well, it looked kind of like… melted.”

I sat, silent, on the phone. Already I’d missed 6 other calls, watching them sail by on the other line while this saga unfolded. 

“So I figured,” he continued, the terrible juggernaut barrelling unstoppably through this phallic disaster, “I should probably exfoliate it.”

“Exfoliate,” I echoed weakly.

“Yeah,” said this abject human disaster, misinterpreting my echolalic expression of horror as hearty encouragement.  “So I had a look around the kitchen -” he was in the kitchen for all this “- for anything I could use and got my brillo pad-”

For anyone not in the UK, that’s what we call one of these:

I must have betrayed myself and given a gasp of horror at that point, because he quickly reassured me - “No, no, no, it’s okay - it was a new one!” before going on to describe scrubbing the affected area to remove the alkaline chemical burn that he’d inflicted on his poor, blameless cock.

“So you want to come in because of… this?” I said, assuming he would want a new dick by this point.

“Oh no, no -” he said, jovial again. “No, it’s all fine - it just, my knob’s gone all… well, it kind of looks camo print now.  I was wondering if you could do anything about it looking camo print.”

No, sir. No, neither we nor anyone else can do anything about your camo print garlic cock mistake.

[illogarithmil]

[illogarithmil]

should I get a masters or jump into a river and swim away forever. vote now

[illogarithmil]

The answer to "who owns lough neagh?" Is crazier and more evil than you could possibly imagine

[illogarithmil]

I hate when you catch yourself having a thought that hints at deeper insanities than previously imagined

[illogarithmil]

watch out bourgeois pigs

[illogarithmil]

I love that opera sits in this limbo where it's extremely well-known but not really beyond a surface level recognition, so you get commercials for makeup or whatever to the tune of the I Hate Women So Much It's Unreal aria

[illogarithmil]

Sylvia Kanytjupai Ken (Australian: Pitjantjatjara, born 1965)

Seven Sisters Dreaming, 2020

Acrylic on linen

200 x 240 cm

Private collection

[illogarithmil]

it's kinda funny that the constant monitoring of ordinary citizens by the state which was once used to mark out east germany as an especially repressive regime is now child's play compared to the reams of data held by every state about everyone.not "ha ha" funny though

[illogarithmil]

Sydney Laurence - “Going to the Potlatch”