illumeenating

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just a girl’s night routine

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just thinking of how our meaning or purpose in life is merely to experience. eating an orange segment, hoping for snow, being in love, returning over and over to one painting, stepping outside for the full moon, submersion in water, having a favourite colour, knowing beauty, feeling alone, feeling connected, feeling longing… it is enough. 

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That overwhelmingly safe feeling when you’re sitting in the back seat of the car at night while your parents drive. Maybe you’re on your way home, maybe you’ve just finished up a long day on the road during a family vacation and you drift in and out of sleep while the yellow street lights ebb in and out over your head. I wish that feeling lasted forever.

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i go to bed. i am consumed by overwhelming loneliness. i stare at the ceiling. i long for something i can’t name. i question if i’m real. i see a funny little meme on my phone and laugh hysterically for several minutes. i get too invested in an unrealistic fantasy. i pass out around three.

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how am i supposed to “major” in something and continue building my life around it when my interests completely change every 2 years and i am struck at unforseeable intervals by an inescapable need to make a fresh start

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sometimes the sound of the earth is so loud!!!!!!!!! sometimes i sit on the grass and feel like crying!!!!!! i feel like the grass is so close to me we are almost the same!!!!!! and then the wind blows over me and i could just live in this forever!!!!!!!!!

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growing up reading fantasy books was such a bust cause your whole life you’re left wanting more from life and like there’s something missing and you’re just waiting for that missing part to begin but it’s never gonna come

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makes a connection between disparate academic concepts: I am shakign very fast I am so intelligent and can see god

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it’s time to abandon the responsibilities of school and jobs and move into a Scottish castle to live as hermit witches.

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I don’t know how to explain it but my favorite very specific trope is ‘group of ragtag protagonists that have just been through surreal hell sit silently in a small town diner covered in dirt after an Experience and their waitress is just kind of staring at them while pouring them coffee but it doesn’t matter bc after that shit they went through before finding this place they are determined to eat 3 plates of fries and a burger’

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oh to be a rich person in the 1920s traveling by luxury steam train across europe

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People honestly didn’t go “mad” from seeing cosmic horror things in Lovecraft very often. That’s a modern thing, and honestly feels like modified “gorgon”

Usually its stress, paranoia or ptsd from near death experience.

The true terror was not really in seeing something horrifying and alien, but understanding the implications, or not being able to fit it into an existing mental framework.

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obsessed with those stone stairs and archways in the middle of the woods that remain standing after the rest of the building has fallen to ruin

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ahahaha thanks to you, too, for being absolutely lovely! ily 💜 also the clouds there look so beautiful ???

here’s some non matching pic’s of my journal and sky a few days ago 😬

2nd September - Are you looking forward to returning to school/university?

I’m. because I think I have gotten so lazy over this period but I don’t my school gonna open up soon

3rd September - How have you prepared to return to school/university?

I haven’t yet hehe

4th September - When you remember this summer, what three adjectives will you think of that define your summer?

work full, noisy, changes :)

5th September - What did you learn over the summer? (note: this doesn’t have to be academic-related)

I think I learn to accept things, abt myself abt my surroundings. many things doesn’t turn out the way you want even if you like it or not you just gotta accept it

6th September - What was your favourite memory from this summer?

my s/o wrote me poem and it’s really touchy :))

(shoutout to @illumeenating for all the love she have given me I will surely remember this summer w your cute faceu 💜)

p.s : Huge thanks to our beloved Sophie to keep making challenges for us and keeping us active, let’s just simply say THANK YOU SOPH FOR EXISTING!!💕💕💕

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my mom says she’s not a hugger. but when i put my arms around her on a gloomy day or after bad news she’s the last to let go. my dad says he doesn’t want gifts on his birthday, but i see the way his face light up when i get him a card with a nice message and a box full of chocolate anyway. he’s just a kid inside, still. it makes him giddy. my brother never says i love you. but when i tell him “i just need to finish the dishes before i vacuum!” he wordlessly goes to vacuum the entire house before i can, and if he sees me struggle with a wrapper or a jar or a bottle he mutters ‘c’mere’ and opens it for me without even sparing me a glance. the thing is, people love you quietly, and you love them quietly, and the air is buzzing with tiny but grand gestures & once you look for them, you find them everywhere. i think that’s really beautiful.

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If i ever spell something wrong I did it for comedic purposes. I know everything don't forget that