ilovegoats77 - Tumblr blog

[ilovegoats77]

so, i guess i should start with whatever started all of this fuckery, and why i want to do this.

i feel my mental health is at its worst, and i wish i could say this is all for attention and its faked, but everything in here is extremely raw. and why i chose tumblr? no one i know knows me here. i needed someplace to put my thoughts, so here they are.

i feel like my mental health is declining at its worst. i really think this is the lowest point in my life where i cannot stand my own body, mind, or anything like it. but im at an extremely high point in my life. amazing relationship, doing well in life, and amazing family connections. but, that being said i do feel that this is the first time in my life it hasnt been chaotic, and i cant stand it. i really, really cant.

its driving me crazy. and i do think thats why its so loud in my head. my thoughts range from hurting myself and showing off because thats well. thats how my head can get. i dont even want the attention? i dont think. but i dont really understand it myself.

ive been more angry, more aggressive, but i really have no clue why. i think im going under possible states of denial that i may have something severly wrong with me, but i also know i do. wether it be from my fucked up mom and what she gave me, to all of the sexual abuse i suffered constantly throughout my childhood years. i didnt have a childhood, and i wish i realized sooner before it was too late.

i guess it started from when one of my sexual abusers died.

thats alot to take in. a few months as of writing this my sexual abuser died. he got into a fight with his girlfriend late at night, and walked onto the highway drunk, and boom.

he was my brother.

well, step brother actually. but weve known each other for so long i used to consider us very close.

now, for context. my mom was always fucked up, and we all agree she should not have had kids. she isn not mentally well enough and never has been to have anything. think of a 15 year old nightmare in a 40 year old body. my grandma wont stop telling me how much she regrets not taking her to therapy, but i really dont blame anyone of how my mom is but herself. too stubborn enough to refuse her medications, but too pathetic to not rant on facebook about how her two boyfriends refused to take her out to dinner because they have their own lives.

total shitshow. weve got cps called on us many times from her screaming at me and my sister. (they could hear her two streets away) and luckily my grandma works with the police, so she never got in trouble. part of me wishes she did, but also doesnt. weird, i have so much sympathy for her but i dont.

i feel too bad to fully hate her, but i feel bad saying i do.

shes very mentally not okay, so i dont blame a lot on her. except her refusing therapy for some odd reason. whatever, its not my problem.

i cant tell you how many times as a young child i had to stop her from harming herself, seeing drugs around her, or how when she gets sad and mad she screams at us tellingnus its all our fault and how shes (in detail) going to kill herself, and how many fucking times ive had to comfort her as a child about her boyfriend leaving her because shes totally fucked. its helped me gain a sense of how to help people i guess, but no one needs to see that.

but anyways, totally fucked up. whatever, now. shes always had these millions of boyfriends, ive actually seen her single. huh.

i dont actually have a dad, and i really dont know if i have any issues resulting from that? but i dont think so. but yes, i cant tell you as a child how many random men ive called dad, and then once i do they leave my mom. but i only have my mom to blame for that one. one of them is my sisters dad.

i have two biological sisters, and they all have seperate dads.

the middle child, (im the youngest) ill call her AD. ads dad used to be in the military, and sold drugs in the military. now stay with me okay?

his mom is still a huge drug addict, and lost her husband due to it. one day while my mom and her boyfriend were gone, and AD’s dad was in the military, my mom had his mom watch me. i was maybe 1. once my mom and her boyfriend left town they had to get called back instantly because the pokice and emergecy vehicles were there to take the drugs out of their system, and they were doing it while i was sound asleep on their bed. her husband died while they both did the drugs from an overdose. they never went to jail for whatever reason, never really asked since its a sensitive subject i assume. but, ive been around drugs for a long while. and dont worry, i hate drugs with ever fiber in me.

now, my youngest sister, all call her SO. SO’s dad was awful. when i was in 5th grade i met her dad named Adam. he was your classic white trash. lived in a fucked up house, satanist, trashed house, you name it.

we lived in his house for a few months. beer cans everywhere, but he had two kids (this is before SO was born). a boy and a girl. ZAND was the brother and ZANDR was the sister. (nicknames). and they were my best friends. ZAND was the brother i spoke of when i first started this post.

we all grew up together, and when my mom heard she was pregnant with SO we moved into a house out in some orange groves. id love to find a picture of it, but its been condemned for black mold growing in it. but it was a very sketchy house. imagine a small house with fencing around with, (with barbed wire,) with trees surrounding it. a light blue i think? with three bedrooms, a basement and a tampoline in the back.

SOs dad was a peice of shit. he frequently raped my mother in their room at night. and she later on told me about a year ago that since she was a heavy christian lady, he threatened her with pretending to be satan and yelling demonic chanting at her in her ear. she was extremely terrified.

he would scream at us, and ill be honest when i say i really dont remember much of that house other than what ill tell you, and that we lived on a well. and when that well ran out no one came to our house to refill it. so we had to go to adams moms house to take a shower once a week since he wouldnt really let us leave the house unless absoloutely needed. and take a huge note, i got bullied before constantly. would come home with black eyes because i was a weak small kid who was a nerd, so i was an easy target. i didnt grow up with many friends, but only showering once a week? oh man. when i told you i got avoided and bullied constantly, i wouldnt lie to you. it was fucking awful.

i remember being laughed at constantly for whatever they find the need to laugh at me for. moved schools 3 months in because it got so bad.

now, this is when the sexual abuse took a play in. my brother, when i was 6-8? i dont exactly rember the age i was, but i know he was definitely a teenager. locked me in a closet pretending to play hide and seek with me.

he tormented me in that fucking closet.

it was pitch black, and hebhad previously told me someone hung themselves in it, i was terrified. he would slam and laugh at the door. sending me into a frantic shock, and i was in full fight or flight. then he shoved me in; and locked himself in there with me, and started rubbing his own dick against my back. i felt it. i, felt, it. i eventually got my mom called in the room, and she took us out. and gotbus in trouble.

there were other times where he also used me and took advantage of my niceness and naiveness to get sexual gratification. when he was playing minecraft and id ask to play? “show me yer bewbs lawl” and it would be constant so i never could play with him. and it was things like that.

funny story actually, he went into a huge court case four-three years ago for touching a child. he got off on probation, but it never sat right with me.

his sister ZANDR told me he had a few more cases just like that, that no one told me about. it was fucking insanity. that house is insanity, and that was just many crazy stories id rather forget.

im extremely tired, and ill update this sometime tommorrow. thank you for reading this far, it means a lot :).