ilovehimsosomuchjk

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

her kurta taunts me when she wipes that tear in her eye. As if she can’t believe it I’m in front of her. She disappears in my arms, her touch lingers a little longer on my arm.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

the tear you wiped on your kurta stares at me. My skin burns where you touched me for moments longer. I see you disappear in my arms. My heart aches when you look at me like that, as if I just might leave you and never come back. It’s too soon, you plead. It’s late, I hold your hand. I will come back, I reason. You stare at the road I disappeared in, you don’t see me wave my hand. I see you stand under the streetlight and wish I could run back to you. You don’t meet my eyes when I say goodbye. almost as if you can’t see me leave anymore. I leave, but your eyes haunt me on the way back. I will come back, I promise the stars.

Abhi kaise jau chodh kar? Ki dil abhi bhara nahi.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

I saw you wipe that tear in your eye. I saw it in the way you smiled at me. Your eyes disappeared when you smiled at me. I saw it in the way you held onto my hand a little longer, how you disappeared in my arms. How do I leave you so early? How can you leave me so early? I saw the look on his face when I told him I’m leaving. It isn’t forever, I wanted to plead. It’s late, I wanted to reason. I’m here with you, I wanted to hug him. I didn’t forget you, I’m not leaving for forever, I love you. I will come back for you. I love you.

Abhi kaise chali jau chodh kar? Abhi toh dil bhara bhi nahi.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Just kill me if you must, but spare me the hurt and broke i hear in the voice of my loved ones. It haunts me everytime i close my eyes. It haunts me at the height of day and dead of night

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Im haunted. Im so haunted by the throught that ill never be enough. Im so haunted by the fact i am so immature. When i look around at girls my age, they’re too grown up and im too behind. Ahat am i doing wrong? What sin have i committed to be so cursed? I try not to grow up ahead of time but it seems as thought everyone matured by me and im terrified of this feeling. Feeling as if I’ll never be enough and never be what other people like. Craving for male validation sucks the life out of me even when i do it being aware. I yearn and yearn with no purpose. I’ll forever be behind i feel. And im haunted. So haunted. Have been haunted for so long. Will be hainted for longer to come i feel. Someone help me. Who do i talk to? Save me from myself. Save me from these feelings i allowed myself to feel again. Why did i beg to feel again?

Maybe because to feel something is to be alive, a numb feeling less me is as good as dead

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

When will i stop licking my own wounds? When will I stop staring at them? When now, its been so long. They sting like I got them yesterday. How long until they heal. How long until i walk and remember the path i used to take? When will the trees grow again that awaited my presence? How long until i can go back to me? Will i ever go back to me? Is there a me left anymore? Where is home, this don’t feel like home anymore. Where is home?

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Where is home now? How long will i sit and stare at my wounds? How long now till i stop remnescing a time with no wounds? How foolish. I talk as if there weren’t different wounds and worse pain i endured everyday. What a foolish little thing this mind is.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Everything that i ever lost because of my carelessness haunts me and whispers over my shoulder. Who was I when they were with me? I can’t seem to remember

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

And I don’t wanna touch someone if i have to say goodbye to them when the sun rises tomorrow. Since i know the way you shudder when i kiss the nape of your neck with my lips softly, I don’t want anyone else to know it too. This information is mine to keep. So don’t leave when the sun shows up at my doorstep. I won’t give him you.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

I suck on the cut that has by far stopped bleeding. Yet it stings. I should not do that again.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

And maybe for a second there i thought i was worth getting to know when i don’t even know myself. Its a wound that stabs me every time i take my eyes off the knife. I thought if i loved them enough they would love me back… maybe thats not how things really work huh

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Like the static enclosed in the thick protruding dumb TV screens, im caged, watching life happen, as the audience, frustrated and grumbling. It was one hell of a drama i dont want to relive

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Im so… sick to my stomach i could puke. I bloched both tushar and gagan. Even gagan. I want NOTHING to do with either of them. I have ddr blocked. And i removed ahaan. You know what I found out? That fuxker UNFOLLOWED ME but did not remove ME from HIS following. I- goddamnit. I hate boys. To a passion if i dont kid you. He again asked me what i am drinkinh. Then he sent me a reel of girls doinh cocaine- myblast fuxking straw. No bro keep uour drugs to YOURSELF. FUCK OFF MOTHERFUCKERS. Stop spreadinh negativity in my life. Fuck my mental health and me for allowinh these guys into my life and TOLERATING them. That was.. so fuxking true. Toxic people are in everyone’s life, they’re common flies- but? You TOLDERATE them and thats why they stay and fuxk you up.

Also just a while ago i asked chatgpt for advice. On what was going on between us- and it told me- i need to work on how to communicate my feelings without overexplaining and guilt. I didn’t know chatgpt was a therapist- holy fuck. Atleast i made one good decision today. Life rolled by when there was no ddr gagan ahaan tushar. It will roll by again even if difficult. But you made the right choice love. And im proud of uou for fighting your demons. 🫂

Im so fuxking proud of you for finally removing things that suffocate you.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

The price of regret is too high. How can I count the amount of times regret has graced my doorstep asking back its debt. I’m penniless, don’t ask of me what I cannot give you back. I didn’t take it by choice but I’m forced to dwell for days on how to pay it back. Regret is cumbersome, how do I go a moment without forgetting what events led me here in the first place. But I’m a prisoner of debt. The more I collect to pay back the more regret I acquire. Im stuck in an endless loop, and I don’t know how to get out. What is debt if not the fruit of my sown seeds and what is regret if not poison masked as nectar in the plant I grew in my own garden, among my own trees.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Do I like rain? I don’t know. I like puddles. Of all kinds. The ones that have big ripples, all round. The small ones- not enough water but fill the small depths in the earth. The ones on the side walk I look my reflection in. The huge ones where I need to lay bricks to cross. I don’t like how they splash though. How the cars that pass stain me in grease and dirt. The puddles shudder ever so softly, I’m sorry. Why do the things I love stain me in love and leave when the sun shows up?

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

And sometimes the loneliness in me claws at me from the inside. I do everything by the book. I acknowledge it. I let it in. I let it overflow me. i let it spill. But i get soaked. And i rot while it spills on the polished floor.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

I opened the door I never could.

rust on my hand had never felt prettier. It glitters in the sun that burns my neck. It smells of the old things I loved, in the haze of hatred did i ever see it for what it was? This door is falling, its hinges hanging on by a fine line, is that how i felt everyday each day back then? But it’s painted in pastels and crayons and oils and acrylics, it’s brushed with so much love it still opens. It’s oiled and buttered up with so much love, it still, does open. What of the water that lurks on the pavement? Are those my tears that never fully dried in this blazing sun? I’m sunburnt but you say I’m not just because you can’t see me. Did you ever really.. see me? If I open this door just a little wider, will you see me?