ilovekoalasforever20

[ilovekoalasforever20]

June 13, 2017 Boys?

Today i would like to talk about a few of my exes that meant the most to me and impacted my life greatly but i will be going over the amazing times and the not so great times. Since I only have one follower these are things I would like to express. Lets start with Josh my first love we met at camp when we were young and I thought at the time that he was attractive and I only saw him for a few weeks before he left for the summer. The following year I didn't see him at camp. Then I began 6th grade and he was in my health class but i no longer thought he was cute. We became really close friends and he began to have a crush on me and he would be adorable always running around to please me. But i went for the bad boys and didn't think about giving him a chance. The following year was one of those years where we all went through that suicidal phase and honestly i am a very drama filled person and well i might've taken the dramatic route. I was still looking for the bad boys and negative friends because they seemed like they were having fun and i loved feeling the thrill of doing dangerous things, but at the time those things didn't help. But eventually i dated him and it was the best we went for our first date which was the movies because it breaks the awkwardness. We went to see Ride Along and it was fun and from there we hung out so much and my mom absolutely loved him and then... it went down hill and one of my “friends” had a crush on him and he started being distant when i was going through my suicidal stage. And we broke up i was just getting out of the hospital when it happened and i was so utterly heart-broken. And let me tell you this relationship was before i was exposed to all this sexual stuff. 

        So i then passed time by “dating” other boys and did other sexual things it was a bad phase that i am still unfortunately going through but i will talk about that another day (don’t worry we will cover everything that goes on in my mind and life currently and in the past.) I had to move my school the following year due to being around negative people and failing in most of my subjects. Its a christian school with very few people, there are about  200 kinds from grades Preschool to 12th grade. Yeah i know small but  have adapted to it somewhat as much as i can i guess. My first year was kind of scar because everyone had there clique and i didn't want to disrupted that. But i wasn't fully “over “ josh until my freshmen year because i met someone new His name was Axel and he was so kind . He had the biggest heart well up to an extent. We used to go to church and i would do many tings but since being a good girl didn't work out with josh i guess i wanted to try a different style and get a little slutty so i did and we lasted almost a year and it was a crazy fucking year filled with crazy amounts of ups and downs. At my school there is a six inch rule but does anyone actually follow that rule? Not really and so we were part of that percent that didn't and we ended up getting talked to multiple times. One day i was worried because he didn't sow up for school and he always did and if by any chance he didn't he would inform me. I ended up getting a hold of him through my friends phone. My school also doesn't allow phones at school because of possible cheating. I snuck it though and i did a great job until gym when a little girl told on me about it and trust me i will never forgive that. Shortly after that we started to have complications with everything and we finally ended it. And even after we ended it we always came back to each other but not that time. I was yet again heart broken and it only got worse because we went from talking everyday about everything to talking to each other casually. Months later i heard that he was talking shit behind my back and making up some of t as well and i thought to myself after all the times crying over him that it was time to stop being a pussy and grow up. SO i did i went to school everyday with a (fake) smile on my face and acted like i was okay until i finally was and the whole time i did that i always caught him staring at me and with such a sorrow face. Funny i know. Now we are causal and we look at each other once and a while but definitely nothing further. 

          About two moths after that his best friend Enrique came out of nowhere and texted me asking if i am okay. We just started talking and started to like each other. We went on a date to the mall and we just hit it off. Axel was unaware of it at first until we ran into a few of kids from his church and we knew it was time to tell him and we did. He had no problem at first until i went to school and started getting picked on even more then before getting called a whore and all this shit came crumbling on me. And i don’t like dealing with this bullshit so i didn't i put whatever i was feeling away and moved on. And i was grateful at the time because i just had fun going to Enrique’s house and playing games cuddling. It was amazing. What people don’t know at least i hope not its that me and Enrique got involved deeply which only made it better. He made me feel happy like everything was worth living. And that lasted about two months. Because tings went bad again and i made a poor decision and went to my exes Josh's house party and ended up not only kissing him but sleeping over and almost sleeping together. But i was smart and didn't take it that far. What god thing happened was josh confessed that he never fully got over me and he likes me again and mind you we ended things 3 years ago and that’s why i did what i did and kissed him because he was my first love and i couldn't miss a chance again with loosing him. I feel like complete shit because i wanted things to work between me and Enrique. But it just doesn't work that way i guess. And that’s where i stand with boys single alone and  a whore. I blame myself completely and wish i could go back and fix all of this with the knowledge  know now...

[ilovekoalasforever20]

You know the stretches of time where you’re managing OK? Those long periods—you know—a day, a week, a month, a year, years. Those stretches? Sometimes they end. It happens. I want you to know that it does not make you a failure. You, like myself, sometimes torture yourself with guilt even though you shouldn’t. I want you to know that a lapse does not mean no other stretches will come. You can persevere. You can continue to more stretches of ‘managing OK.’ Heck, sometimes you can even manage well, excellent, fabulously, [insert your preferred, positive adjective here]. Your lapses do not define you.

Nik Wiles, “28 Keystrokes” (via twloha)

[ilovekoalasforever20]

June 12, 2017

Okay well this is my blog for the day and I think I will continue to blog about my life because none of you know me and I don't have many followers this half year has been crazy with school coming to a end and me and the personal things I absolutely need to change. Here's the basics that you need to know about me I pity myself a lot and I always blame everyone else about whatever's is going on but in reality that's my way of running away from my issues now I'm not saying I'm screwed up or anything on those lines but I am saying that I've made a lot of poor choices over the years and I need to fix them if I can. I've cheated on my boyfriends in the past I have lied to my parents to get what I want or to stay out of trouble honestly might be addicted to sex I don't know who I am anymore and I want to fix that. My parents used to think I was a perfect child and I hate how they think my poor decisions are there fault I know things need to change but at this point in my life I think I am too far deep to come back up and reveal that I've changed for the better and my attitude right no if positive but my mom thinks that I should be mad at myself for the things I've done and I don't want to be sad I want to leave it exactly how it is and move on but I also understand where she is coming from. and so I leave you with my goals fixing myself and how ever that may be I hope that I will find good friends to help me through it all because as of now I am alone I've ruined all relationships with everyone an I wish to apologize but I don't know if its too late I want to apologize to my (now) ex boyfriend for hurting him and saying somethings I shouldn't have he deserves better then me and I hope he gets that. I also hope to find out who I am and want to be because time is running out I am in my junior year and I will be heading off to college soon. My last goal is to find my spiritual path and maybe figure out if God is there for all of us... there are many mysteries to this world and only a selected amount of us find the answers to them I hope I'm one of them.

[ilovekoalasforever20]

"She didn't want me posting this"he said i love this picture i love him

[ilovekoalasforever20]

Aftermath

[ilovekoalasforever20]

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