ilovetheseattlemariners

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

I am, it turns out, nostalgic and desirous

Yeah. I mean, no surprise. I really need to snuff it out of my system. Desire feels weird and I don't like it, but I still fall victim to it like a bad habit. I don't know. This trip was feeling so easy awhile ago. But now I feel like I've just regrasped everything, and have undone all my progress. I'll keep going though, I guess. Maybe I need to cut out more unnecessary things, or maybe this too shall pass. I know I'll be fine at least.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

quick check in

It's late, and I have work tomorrow, but I remember promising to write to you more, and so I should do that. Gig today was alright. I felt really interwoven with my ego, though. I need to stop doing that. I think that I can play jazz without ego, but it's yet to be done by me. I was too concerned with the perception of others and wanting to impress that I ended up playing really bad. And I recognize that and feel compassion for myself, but also understand the need to better.

List of things to work on:

letting go of ego

ending addictions/desire

writing more

learn to drive

create more

get better at meditation and mindfulness

be a better person

be there for others more

be there for me more

Can't think of anything else really.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

a state of great difficulty

maybe i'll write all of this in lowercase — like this. maybe this will do. i am in a moment of great difficulty. the zen thing is great. i love it. meditation is amazing and it's changed my life. i guess today was just difficult and it's hard to put that into words. sometimes zen gets tiring. sometimes i feel as though i'm ready to enter a monastery, or do the cliché cave thing. i might just end up doing that. the thought of this bliss taking over my life is so appealing — the thought might have already taken over, i might be living that thought over now as we speak. but also i don't know, i've been awfully crooked and desirous. i can't get over lust, even love. and it's weird, because i want to be over it. i want to just be content with who i am, where i am. but then something inexplicable drags me back, and holds me back. and ego. i still have an ego. i'm still silently nurturing it. when i'm without desire it's just incredible. and i'm just in the present moment and lost in the bliss of it all. i've gotten good enough at meditation where there are occasional moments, even somewhat long time spans, where i'm lost in that euphoria. but i've yet to really master it. i need to let go of hate more, i need to let go of my instinct of resorting to hate. love. i need more love for myself and others. i love myself, now i have to act it out constantly.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

writing again hopefully, and some work

Yes. About a 2nd generation immigrant narrator, his white fag fwb, and the FOB girl he's after at work. Symbolism, a lot of symbolism. Experimental prose maybe? I have this long reading to read, but I'd rather read Hemingway and write a draft on this. Jumping around kind of plot. 2nd person for the fob.

I think the narrator and his friend meet in school, probably like this.

We met in school. This was back when I was still in school, obviously, my first year, to be specific. When you're in Creative Writing first year, you'll encounter a bunch of random, old ass fuckers who stick out egregiously, who're just there to get some credits and get the hell out of there. Those people also tend to be the ones that haven't yet soulsearched enough, who'll only realize that they've wasted a lot of their life when it's too late and the lights are all already off. I didn't know any of this yet. He was just this somewhat old looking guy who I had a nice chat with regarding starting post-secondary, and he gave me a lot of good advice with soft genuineness. And then he opened his laptop and there were two buff guys, rubbing each others' cocks and wearing chef's hats on his screen.

Nice. Basically, the protagonist wants to get with the girl but can't seem to. Can't seem to understand. Also he might be a fag. Meanwhile this white guy seems to be both indifferent but extremely protective of the protagonist in a way that the protagonist can't seem to decipher. Tears him apart. Nice.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Am i mindful?

Been very difficult meditating lately. Think that’s just because my life in general is not mindful at all. I realize with shock how much thought overlords me. I lose track of reality. I forget reality even, crazily enough. And desire. Oh desire. I need to move away from sexual desire and get on that plane of just compassion. And just letting go. Whenever I’m mindful I notice it and lose it. Just keep going man. You’re doing great.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Expressions of desire

Desire is the killer man. I need to let go more. I could let go so much more. Dass writes that when people choose to go on this trip, they have two options: merely bettering their body, or going onto something higher. I want to go onto something higher. Which means letting go so much more. Thought rules my mind, desire rules my thought. It’s all too tied together. Undo the chains. Let go. Be here.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Feel more embodying of hate somehow

Dog.

Yeah, I don’t know why. It’s gotten harder for sure. I realize that parts of me refuse to let go. That’s really funny to think about honestly. Desire is managing to stay put, and I really want it to go. I think I could do that. Now be here.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Mindlessness and desire

These have been my vibe lately. Huh. Felt myself nearly burst into rage at times yesterday. It was the stress. I get very stressed and overwhelmed a lot now. I don’t know why. I think it’s that I don’t really live out this. Like, once I leave meditation, I’m outside of it. I just need to work harder, and that’s okay. I’m excited to work harder for this. And still feel so much more compassion and love for life.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

With summer in my ears, and the open trainwindows blanketing me in air, Infeel so much love and compassion for myself

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Mabigat ng puso

Kamakailan, pakiramdam ko parang nawala kong lahat ng progreso. Ngayon, palagi ako’y nagiisip tungkol sa noon. Di nakakalipat ang isip ko galing sa yun. Gayundin, palagi ko pakiramdam ang hiya at poot. Nakakahawak ako pa sa mundo, hindi ako pa’y bumitaw. Lapit na, mabagal na.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Return of ego

It's been tough. I feel like this is the first somewhat slump in my trip so far. Just ego. I'm feeding it too, is what's the thing. That's my problem. I need to let go more. I'm so attached to desire, and feeding desire. Simply put, I'm nowhere near as zen as I thought I was. And that's okay. I just need to get there soon. I'll see you there

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Nothingness

There is such an incredible exalting feeling to nothingness. Letting go of everything. Feeling the ego go away. Returning to nothingness and feeling that become your everything. What a trip

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

I gaf

Quite bizarrely. I’m incredibly overattentive of other peoples’ business, and seeing how other people act towards each other can be very upsetting for me at times. Why! It doesn’t matter. It’s very silly to imagine any and all of that to matter. In truth, we all show each other unbearable compassion. In truth, I’m nowhere near ready to love. I felt myself really let go last night when I meditated and it was visceral. I want nothing more than to be nothing more, to be wanting nothing at all.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Habag

Kamakalian iniisip ko sa habag. Kay hirap naman maging mahabigin! Pakiramdam ko parang hindi kasinghabigin ang mga tao. Pero namalayan ko nang pag iniisip ko ganyan, hindi mahabigin ko rin. Sabi ni Ram Dass, tayong lahat ay tao ng pagibig. Gayundin, kung hindi ko nakakaramdam ang habag sa ibang tao, kasi hindi ko nakakaramdam ang habag sa sarili. Dahil hindi ako kumikilala ng marapat ako ng respeto. Nagsisimula ang lahat sa sarili

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Don’t know, nothing

Hmm. I feel full of negative energy and ego. It doesn’t help that I’ve been meditating a lot less. I want to focus on music. And the self. I feel like i need to reevaluate my life. Am I doing the right things right now? I just need to focus on work. Like, lock in. I’m a very talented musician, not to boast, I just don’t use that talent anywhere for some reason. And writing. I’ve talked to you enough about that.

I need to take care of myself more. I need to begin showing myself unbearable compassion before it can emanate and be shown to others. Yeah. Let’s begin.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

No BFA

Oh well. I’m grateful to myself for trying. I’m contemplating what went wrong, how I didn’t get in. Mind of course goes to quality first. Objectively the works were rushed. The portfolio was probably even oversaturated. I picked quantity over quality and paid the price for it certainly. Mentality, too. I think that I wrote a lot of those poems from a place of hurt, and now that I feel myself distancing from that I wonder what my writing will be like now.

I wonder what the future will even entail. I’ll probably focus more on music. Get my license. Find a better job. I’ll need to ask Eva what the housing plan is too. Hmm.

My heart feels filled with strife. Unbearable compassion, return.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Certain feelings, certain feelings

Constantly I return to Ram Dass describing how the falls during this trip towards — what is this trip leading towards? Well, he talks about how the falls get worse and worse, and that it becomes much, much harder to come up each time. My point being, I feel things. Specifically, I feel my ego get hurt, and I respond in an egotist way. It’s mainly love. I still desire love. This desire for love often leads me to many wrong places. I don’t know what to do with it! Love is great. This desire consumes me. Meditation is also great, and at times the desire to remain in meditation is equally consuming. It just pains me when I act not like myself. Today we kept on taking photos and I could barely even smile. Only later did the compassion kick in, and it made me feel so weak. I feel so much love when I see my parents some times. Oh that my love would be unending, and my compassion unbearable.