ilovetheseattlemariners

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Processes

Hello good evening. Ran 7k today. Very proud of that. Mediated and it was on the verge of being something overwhelming. That felt very good. It felt very good to meditate and feel something from it. I feel like I took good care of myself today. I am returning to Be Here Now by Ram Dass. There is this great moment in the first portion of the book, where Dass describes his interaction with Maharaji, who has the ability to read Dass' mind and knows all of Dass' thoughts. Dass realizes, though, that this must mean that Maharaij can read all of his bad, impure thoughts; yet, if that's the case, how does Maharaji still view Dass with total and absolute love? The answer?: acknowledging these bads would do no good for Dass in his spiritual work, Maharaji only wants to do the things that'd help him. I'm rereading Now Be Here. I think I wasn't attentive enough, capable enough of understanding what it prescribed. I feel a lot more compassionate, a lot more at ease. I still suffer under the weight of my actions occasionally, but I want to view this all with compassion someday. I view this struggle with compassion at least: I know I am someone trying to heal, to become better. I understand that struggle and want to be there for myself.

I am also trying to rehabilitate my writing. I have not written at all in a very long time, and I need to regain my facilities. It'll be slow. I notice that my writing before contained a lot of negative energy. A lot of loathing and hate, an inability to communicate pure love. This was reflections of myself. I want to sort of refocus my works. I want openness in my writing. Perhaps some pain. Whatever I am, I want that to be channelled in my work.

I will be seeing a friend tomorrow and I'll be doing a bit of weed. I think that I'll be capable of managing myself. I realize that I wasn't in the right mental state to be doing drugs. I was doing drugs not for the sake of enjoying drugs, but as a means of escape, or having something spiritual like ego death. I can do those things while sober. I want to be able to appreciate the experience I am going to have for what it is, not for what it could emulate. Yeah. Anyways. Love you.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

The heart can shatter and be alright

It doesn’t have to be. Nothing could ever be. There is a small world that simple things nurture and it is everything. I think of my mom looking after the small garden in my backyard and there is so much precious love like that everywhere. The heart seems to be after this, can accept this to be all there is. This is the reality. Love and care for the self. The heart can shatter and be alright, because there is still a heart to recover from that and when it is rekindled it is much more, much sweeter and softer and quicker to resume love with more intensity.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Current moods

Pain and anger. I’ve felt pain and anger for a very long time. Be it that anger is a consequence of pain, I’ve been in pain for a very long time. And unhappiness. Friendship brings me happiness. Jams do. It keeps me down to earth. I’ve been very isolated. Home makes me very unhappy too. Having strife at home is awful, because where do you return to? I need some independence. I need money for that though, obviously. But this is good. Addressing what gives me pain and just talking about it. Knowing it’s there, but that there’s more to life. I remember once being disenchanted by all of this meditative stuff, because I though pain was necessary. It isn’t. It is just present. We should strive for constant happiness and hopefulness and goodness. I read back on some of these old posts and I cringe. I was pessimistic. I wasn’t taking care of myself, is what it is. I decide now that I should. Our body loves itself, and we have to reciprocate. That is the first reciprocal exchange we have to care about.

Admittedly, I am fearful. I’m asking myself for these dramatic changes in my life and I don’t know if I’m capable of them. But even right now, with one day of this reembracing of mindfulness, I can occasionally look at my past mistakes without that lens of prejudice, without those large clouds of hate which weigh down on the heart, and that feels good; of course, there are plenty of moments where those clouds exist and they hurt, but I feel capable of monitoring my response, of responding healthily. And the idea of simplicity, of focusing on nothing but creating art and nurturing the self, feels good. It’s something that brings me joy, something I want to pursue. Looking back on that day, some good came out of it. It’s okay to admit that. Yes I suffered and brought about suffering, but that was simply a cause of my pain. I felt myself open up to my own self, to what I wanted and what always felt good to me. I would love to be a guru, I would love to focus more on this. Sabbatical even. My heart feels good writing about this, is singing in response to a feeling that I really haven’t felt in a very long time. This is what life is all about! Love, compassion, caring for yourself.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

I’m grateful for the sun

It is sunny and i feel a bit better because of that. Because I like the sun, it’s bright and brings warmth and reminds me that life is good. I’m grateful for pain since it reminds me of happiness, of memories with people that I can’t return to, since at one point those things brought me love and happiness and it is still possible to have such responses to those memories still. And those memories often occurred during this period of sun. Summer might be the happiest period of life. Maybe that’s why I want to return to the Philippines so often. Summer, constant summer. Though I need only to think about this summer. I don’t need to return to the past or anything. This, this here is all that’s real and has to be nurtured right now. Me, myself, and the present.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Start again

Hi. I haven’t talked to you in so long it hurts in a way. I’ve needed you a lot. It’s been tough. I destroyed a friendship yesterday probably in the worst way possible, and I want forgiveness to follow but it’s not coming right now, and I don’t know when it ever will. I haven’t been taking care of myself. It’s been awful. I relapsed. I no longer write or read. I seldom create art in general. And I’ve been very destructive. I’ve been lacking an incredible amount of compassion for myself and others. I’ve been careless, unloving. I’ve been needing love and I’ve looked for it from others and material things, when the only true source is myself. I need to choose happiness. I’ve been choosing to allow unhappiness in my life constantly, when I don’t have to. And I realize that I’ve always loved spirituality and have always wanted to nurture my spirituality, but haven’t. I’ve been doing drugs hoping that it would manifest in that way, but it hasn’t. I’ve been looking everywhere except where I have to be looking. The present. The self. It feels good to embrace yourself. It feels good to watch your breathing, your body take care of itself. Your body naturally takes care of itself, tells you what it wants. You have to listen, allow yourself to listen and follow what it asks of you. Your own body is capable of so much love and loves you so much, yet so often we listen to vice and capital. We go to something easy which emulates a serotonin response. Art nurtures the body. Nature nurtures the body. I want to focus on the self more. Self healing. Exploring forgiveness. Compassion. Love for others.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Letter i send with every second of my life

Hey, yeah. I still wanna talk. It's been awhile. It's practically nothing. I'm incredibly sorry. I love the past. All of you merge into one individual and I'm the same old lover, failingly. You probably get it now. You probably don't care at all. None of us do. This isn't me talking right now, despite it. I don't wanna be with another. The present is a perpetual degrading of what was innocent, pleasurable, sweet. Stay.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

This will be a bit more insincere since its coming off my phone

Life is still undecided. I’m at a pause rigjt now. I’m doing a lot of waiting to be quite frank. And the past continues to retreat. You’re walking from me, the bouqet of flowers upset in your hands. I perpetuate the question why as time runs backwards continuously, this world so unfortunately vivid and sharp. From now on i’ll hug every person 10x longer in case that may be the last embrace we get. Oh life is just the familiarizing of oneself with sufferimg

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Natakot aq

Gusto ko lang sabihin mo sakin nang mahal mo aq. Kahit yun. O kahit kailangan mo sabihin "hindi kita mahal", kaya sige. Sabihin mo yun lang. Ayaw ko itong walang sagot naman. Wala talagang expression. Pak. Naku sabihin ko masyadong sakit. Pleeeaseeee tapusin mo itong dusa!

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Life is so so amazing and you have to be here for this

You. You. You. I don't even know who you are. I don't even know if these words will make it from the deep place of my heart that I've been storing them, but here. I'm trying. I wish you could be here for all of this. I don't even know who you are: you're too many people too close to me all at once, people I love with so much silence because to say it would be to take it from the holy world those feelings come from and to put it on our temporal plane. I wish you could be here for all of this, though. This is something so immaculate and beyond existence and holy there are poems out there so real I want to kiss them. I want to kiss you! I love you! You're greater than a poem because you're you and I feel the weight of your existence in every ounce of my body, and I know that if I never met you in this life that I'd still spend lives, lifetimes, galaxies, looking for you across the room.

Oh put a Marias song on and lets just hold hands and dance silently and, if we're brave enough or if we lose track of time, our lips will touch and it'll be irreversible, exactly how the present always is.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Jover ba?

Di q siguro kung anyari. Tungkol sa babae mang-aawit. Kasi alam q meron syang mga exams, at kailangan nya magaral sa kanila. Pero masyadong dry nman ang dms namin. Parang, oo maintindihan q meron sya ang buhay rin at mga responsibilidad din, pero normal b ganyan na nagdadry-up ang convo? Natatakot q ang baka di intresado na sya sakin — baka nawala q ang intresado sa kanya.... Baka cooked nako. Kasi makasarili ako nman. Sabi nya sakin ang plano nya sa itong linggo ikakakama nya ang fwb nya, at di q alam pero dimamdam q ang sabi nya. Kasi una di q alam kung anung ginagawa namin, kung anong gusto namin, kung katulad ang mga ibig namin. Gayundin minsan minsan iparamdam nya akong balewala, pero siguro hindi nagbalak sya yun. Di koooo alam pakshit tangina q nman. Siguro nagpumble . Lol

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Goodbye

I mean. But also hello? This life is fascinating. The year is over, and I will mourn the loss of classes. I will once more mourn our temporality, the finiteness of experiences which beg to be everlasting. We have words for things that don't exist because we want to use them regardless and we want to believe that they can be right. I might be falling in love with the singer. It's too late. We might both be incredibly immature and this might be incredibly wrong. I don't know. I want to protect and care for you. Type shit

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Slow days

Its been a minute hasn’t it. A lot has happened. I’m talking to this singer now. We talked again last night about a lot. I think that this is exciting. I think that maybe you were talking to a different person before because I have new perceptions now and what is even a daffodil in this life, so much can change in an instant and suddenly there are unutterable things that become are greetings and gesticulations. I've been incredibly tired lately and this week is going to beat my ass more to the ground like a pulp but that'll be okay. I think that I'm the greatest to ever do it

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

im so incredibly depressed

I want to do nothing but lie down and die. I want to do nothing, the thought can end there. I'm so incredibly tired and everything is incredibly meaningless. I'm suffering. I feel awful. Fuck this shit to hell let me jump into a large body of water and never resurface and nobody will ask why. I'm so miserable. I should just do drugs again. I'm over this sober shit. Life is so awful it makes me want to cry. I want to give up. I wish I was never born at all

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Between races

Started raining. Maybe even hail. Sounds like hail. They share an umbrella

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

I'm sorry

I'm really sorry. I don't know why. I don't know to who. Maybe myself. God, I really let myself go. God when will I ever have it in myself to forgive me. I didn't have to do any of this. And now i must suffer. Maybe even die. God. Will there ever be a force capable of ending this. I'm sorry G. You didn't deserve that. God. Life is terrible. None of us should go on living. There's no point. It started being pointless the instance I left for Kelowna, because it was then that it all became at its most meaningful. I tried. God, you know I tried. I try being better every day and I just can't. I'm really sorry. I'll never do any better. I miss you so much whenever we say goodbye I can't handle it I can't handle not seeing you every day and love is really so meaningless because I fall in love with a new person every day. To hell with it all man. To hell with this expensive, unaffordable, unworthwhile life. Fuck men

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

I love you a lot

Ummm. What am i to donwith myself. I fuck. Umm. I smoked for the first time in a good while today. God bless. I needed that shit lwk. But also do i? I miss being sober. I couldve said no. My pookie broke up with her ex today. Ive not been tracking my mood at all today. Ive done seldom anything today. The world’s so depressing. This is so depressing. I need to give up trying. I don’t know. I want love. Happiness. You. A lot of unattainable things. I tried. I really love you so much ugh. Fuck

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Toiling toiling toiling in misery nothing at all is right in this world this horrible horrible horrible world where I should die and deserve and need death badly god damn is this shit the fucking worst i fucking hate it all wow wow wow fuck fuck fuck fuck me wow damn god everything is shit i should relapse